Healthy to survive by or something like that

I'm not posting regularly anymore and I'm okay with this. The fact of the matter is I've come to the realization that I have been pushing myself too hard in all aspects of my life for too long and frankly I have to give myself a fricking break already.

I started a new weight loss whatever. One of the ladies form overeaters anonymous recommended someone to me and I'm on day 5 and I really feel like this is something I can do..for the first time in a long time. The gist of the first plan (she changes them as we go) is carb protein fruit and dairy for breakfast, protein, grain, one raw and one cooked veg for lunch, same for dinner, and fruit and dairy for a night snack. Nothing in between and no breaking up a meal. The lady is also an OA-er and told me to pray for help getting through and as wonky as it sounds I did and it helped.

My next ivf was postponed due to zika virus..can you imagine?! Anyhow, at first I was upset but it's giving me a push to get shit done. Aside from the trying to lose weight thing, I signed up for my licensing prep course. I believe I mentioned this before how I have a degree that would enable me to work as a therapist but I never got my license..how silly is that? Well, not so silly is you were me me at the time. It was cancer and family crisis time at the time and I couldn't handle not one more little thing..not one and so I didn't...really I couldn't. Well, it's never too late though I'm terrified that I will fail and the truth is, I might. I haven't been in school in 10 years so it's not like the subject is fresh but I'm taking the prep course and hopefully they'll have a suggestion. It's embarrassing not to have it and plus, I want it as my backup career and also my dream career eventually...we'll see.

Anyhow, that is it. I'd like to say that I will log in here and keep track of my weight loss like a good little captain but that probably won't happen. I will promise that if this sticks, and if I lose, I will at some point post my losses..not consistently I'm sure but I will.

Today as I drove home from my OA meeting this morning, I thought of The Promises stated in The Big Book of AA, which OA also follows. I had been told if I hung in there they would eventually happen and today for the first time I felt like it was possible.

They state:   

If we are painstaking about this phase of our development, we will be amazed before we are half way through. We are going to know a new freedom and a new happiness. We will not regret the past nor wish to shut the door on it. We will comprehend the word serenity and we will know peace. No matter how far down the scale we have gone, we will see how our experience can benefit others. That feeling of uselessness and self pity will disappear. We will lose interest in selfish things and gain interest in our fellows. Self-seeking will slip away. Our whole attitude and outlook upon life will change. Fear of people and of economic insecurity will leave us. We will intuitively know how to handle situations which used to baffle us. We will suddenly realize that God is doing for us what we could not do for ourselves. 

Are these extravagant promises? We think not. They are being fulfilled among us—sometimes quickly, sometimes slowly. They will always materialize if we work for them.

I feel at peace in many areas of my life for the first time.  Not stress free because that's just not my life, at least not today, but I feel at peace about the food at least. I feel like it is possible to get off this fucking merry go round that I've been on my whole life and maybe this is only a temporary feeling, after all, it's not my first go at this, but I feel like this is different. I feel like this is emotional and I'm not freaked and it's a relief to feel that. 

My name is Gem and I'm a COmpulsivesive overeater

Don't know if I mentioned, that I'd been going to oa for a few years and was working with a sponsor until she dropped me... I'll get further into this at some other time as I just wanted to drop a quick post. I went back to weight watchers today and I havens been there in a few weeks. I thought I had lost as for the most part, I had tracked but the weekend I'll admit was a complete bust. Anyhow I gained..2 pounds. Had a long talk with one of the workers promised myself I'd do better, came home and ate the house. What the fuck is wrong with me...I don't want to but for whatever fucking reason I do it.. I go back to oa on  Saturday..I don't know anymore. It feels like I'll never get it but the other people in oa say, I'm not special or different and therefore if they could, I can. I keep hanging in. I am going to elaborate on this in the future and the shot going through my mind but it's 130 a.m. So..

Hard boiled eggs

I just thought I'd post an update because I need to get it out and sort it out and just regroup. There has been so much going on and I just feel a little overwhelmed...more than overwhelmed really. This month should end a two year long fight to refinance a mortgage that got all fucked up because of one of my siblings although we don't acknowledge this is why, this is why. Anyhow, that really doesn't matter...what does is that it's been stressful and hopefully at the end of this month we'll be finishing this mess...God willing that is. I'm tired of it to the point that I don't care anymore and if you know that feeling, then you know that feeling it's a go through the motions because who gives a good fuck at this point...I'm just going through the motions as I'm exhausted and too exhausted to think but not too exhausted to react. I have to watch myself as my tendency to get mouthy with people might end up being the death of me or at least burn a bridge I might need.

The real reason I'm here today after so long is as an update to what is going on with the whole fertility thing. I had a donor, the donor backed out. Ended up with another donor who seemed awesome and I had my bill paid for ($25K to start..ugh) and everything and I got a phone call with some bad news today...because of the Zika virus my donor cannot donate until August because she had traveled to Columbia last month. I initially froze and wanted to cry but went in to talk to Kay at work and managed to just pull myself together. My option was to wait or choose someone else and really, who the fuck wants to go through all of that again. First off my clinic is in NYC...I live about 45 minutes away but it's a trek and I drive a very old wrangler...not a city vehicle by any stretch...it gets there but it's a little scary sometimes..whatever...really though I don't want to agonize over the dos and don'ts and what ifs and who the fuck of picking someone else. So I'm opting to wait. In the meantime I have several things that I would like to work on; First and foremost..my weight..I would like to lost at least 20 lbs and really more but lets not go crazy..20 is going to be an accomplishment as I can't seem to stop eating as of late and I've been going to weight watchers and OA and if I see that stupid ass commercial with Oprah saying she can eat fucking bread...sigh. Anyhow, aside from that, I want to get my kitchen refinished, my carpeting replaced and my guest room cleaned out and painted. I also, and this is a big one, want to get my License for social work. I have an MSW but never got the license that would allow me to practice therapy under someone else's LCSW license... I ultimately wanted to be a therapist but ended up getting into the legal field because Life happens but I do want to do that. They are giving a prep course in May and so... Am I sad about having to wait another 4 to 5 months or more to try? Yes, to the point that my heart broke a little but you know, it's not the first time my heart has broken and like anything else that happens more than once in your life, you get used to it. You do. So this little twinge in my heart that makes me feel like I'm choking is must sitting there and I"m not letting it grow or get out of hand. I'm going to acknowledge that this more than sucks and isn't fair but life is definitely not fair. I'm going to be so old when I have a kid..it's so crazy. I started this shit when I was 39 and here I have going to be 40 fucking 5..but I'm lucky I can try. I'm borrowing the money against my pension and it'll automatically be withdrawn from my pay for the next 5 years.. that's how I'm doing it. I also am using 10K from my savings leaving me with a small lump of money for emergencies.

I'm hoping to be able to jump back in here more than I have. I'm using a lap top which I hate hate hate but my desk top is too slow to type on..don't even ask. It's actually a big reason I haven't written because I hate writing like this. It is what it is.

So that's my story. I'm just praying about it and trying to accept life on life's terms because, well because what else is there.

Out of the blue

Today, Friday ( though it's technically Saturday now), I left work and for the first time in a while I was feeling pretty good with no hurt feelings from a fucked up staff hurting my oh so delicate soul and no work I was worried about having left undone; just walked out like a regular happy human being on a Friday night. D had asked me to pick them up from the group home late that day so I had time before I picked them, and my other sibling up from the bus stop. I went home and everything was fine...at about 8:30 I get up to go get D, a 30 minute ride in the pitch black tree lined road, and boom! Sadness! Not just a little ad but this overwhelming feeling of just effed up melancholy...just completely overwhelmed me and brought me to tears with no accompanying thought really...just effing sad as all hell.. It's still here with me at 2 a.m. Sitting on my chest like a beast, just killing me softly. 

Frigging sad..hurts too and I can't remember feeling this way as it feels like a strange strange kind of sad.. Man. I really hope it goes away.

A Donor

I just want to shoot out a real quick post and although I'm not regularly posting anymore, I hope to and this is also something big..... They found a donor. On this week of all weeks where I felt the sadness and agony coming back after my sister's crap this past weekend, I got a call yesterday from the clinic. As soon as I saw the area code I knew..I knew something was coming. They told me she is Puerto Rican (I'm mixed and  half PRican),ca-ca-curly hair! which they had told me was extremely difficult to find (woot woot), on the Dean's list in Grad school, and beautiful. She's 30 which is older than they prefer but they told me her levels were excellent. They are waiting for the last of her tests to come back and for my Dr., who they explained is super picky, to look at her herself. I wanted to cry and scream because even though this isn't 100 % certain, it's hope and I haven't had that, at least a strong feeling of that in a while. After the call I went into Kay's office and we screamed and hugged like fools who'd won the lotto. I feel like God and my dad, and everyone else who is out there and up there looking down, is just giving me a break and telling me to hold on. Am I scared shitless? Yes, yes I am. For a million different reasons I'm scared but I'm also very thankful to have the opportunity to try.

I'm going to my OA meeting this morning and though I feel very comforted by this Saturday morning group, I don't think I'm going to share this with anyone. I shared it with Kay and I think I'm good with just that.

No where to go

It's been a long time since I've written but I have nowhere to go with this so here I am. It's not that I haven't wanted to written but the truth of the matter is I haven't felt the emotional need...until today.

Today would have been my dad's 80th birthday. It's been a little over two years since he's passed and that may seem like a good bit of time, it's like it has gone in slow motion as we have been in and out of court regarding the will and all of the property and the problems with the property. The problems are a story for another day.

All the siblings got together today to eat tacos (my dad's favorite) and to stop by the cemetery which is local. It all was fine. On our way out of there someone got the idea to go get frozen yogurt and off we went and thank God this was also very local. My younger sister was driving with me as the passenger, the rest of the clan in the back. In the course of conversation, I mentioned I had been in Jersey yesterday and she  inquired what I was doing in Jersey. When I said, nothing important as I was at an OA meeting and really who the fuck cares..she says, I think I know why you were there..I'm going to...I"m trying. Now, truth be told, I kinda knew she was trying which bothered me but that's life. I say to her, "No, I don't go to Jersey and if that's where you're going you may want to check their stats, and if you'd told me, I would have helped you...I can help you if you want". Now, right after I say that, I feel something. Something I've felt only once before on the day I was diagnosed with cancer and was driving home. It was just a little different and I realize now it was shock...and I wanted to cry but not soft cry, I wanted to really cry. You want to know why? Because I was never allowed to talk about my experience with fertility treatment. Had I been able to she would have known that I wasn't going to Jersey anymore and hadn't been for almost 3 years. The fact that she can talk about it, feels free to talk about it, like because it's her it's okay now, is the ass kicker. I broke my own heart with my offering to help her because that is my way. I'm no fucking saint and that's for damn fucking straight, but if you know me just a little you know that any time someone needs help I'm there...I may resent it but I show up, physically or emotionally and most of the time both.

So in that moment, after I say that to her that I can help her, I add that she should check the stats, that I"m not in Jersey and am in NYC and as soon as all this info is out I regret it. I know that I will not be there for her throughout her pregnancy for any reason. I think I have had enough. I want to howl at the moon. And we pull into my mom's driveway and in my head I'm organizing the fastest way to get the fuck out of there. I grab my two dogs, my laundry, my fro yo (of course) and haul ass out. And I cry the short ride home and don't know what else to do with myself and I think of this and this little spot which I'm pretty sure my older sister had at one point discovered and here I am.

I have to stop letting things hurt me so much but the truth is, how do you stop the only family you have from hurting you over and over and over because it's all you have. So you put up with it because otherwise, it's just you and two dogs and one or two close friends who have their own lives. But I'm so tired of it all really but there's nowhere to run from it. On this day..where I started off crying for the people of Paris, for my dad, and finally I end it crying for myself like a big fucking baby... but you feel what you feel and I feel pain and there's nowhere to go with it because it's all right here. I may have coated over all the pain I felt when my sister's abandoned me and they did, no doubt about it through all of those fertility treatments, the surgery and the point where I thought life had given me so much pain and had so forgotten me that I wanted to die. And though I don't feel some of that any more, I don't feel that crazy bordering on wanting to die pain, the pain from my family remains. I buried it deep but it's still right there and I hate it, I hate them a little I really do.

Time

It's been what seems like a million years since I've written anything here, in what used to seem like a part of me. So much has happened since after my dads death that it would take a million posts and I still think I wouldn't be able to describe it all. I'm feeling some kind of way today and with nowhere else to go with it, or at least nowhere satisfying, here I am. I've wanted to write so many times but for various reasons...

Today, one of the girls I met at the fertility center is pregnant with twins girls. Out of the three of us, I am the last to have nothing. I am thrilled for her but quite naturally so sad for me. If that is self indulgent, babyish or what have you...fine..I accept. It hurts me and I don't want it to and I'm genuinely happy for her as she by no means had it easy...she struggled as much as the rest of us who have undergone countless ivf cycles. I keep in the forefront of my mind the fact that I'm so lucky to have had the opportunity to even try the ivf. I'm doing ivf one more time and I'm doing donor eggs. I'm keeping that on the down low generally..for now. All my money will be going towards this and I don't care..it's my last try. I've gotta give this my best shot. I met with the doctor last month who told me it was a 50/50 shot...better odds by tons than if I used my own eggs. I've saved enough that I can cover   most of it and I am grateful to God, I really am. I'm just feeling tired of it all. Of all these babies everywhere and none for me...no husband, not even a significant other, and no babies.. I'm feeling sorry for myself, I am, but I'm entitled a little.

The past year has been very difficult but that is nothing new. If you've been reading along it'll come as no surprise as life has never been easy for me, for anyone really and this fact is fine. I still believe life is good...maybe unfair at times but overall good and I've been luckier in many respects than most. I say this also for myself, as I need to always remember this.

 My mom was diagnosed with stage 4 cancer early last year , actually about 10 months after my dad passed and shortly after my sibling D moved into a group home. One of the women who worked as an aide for my dad moved in with my mom to just keep an eye on her and so she wouldn't be alone..it really worked out thankfully. The group home thing happened fast too as I pressured the case manager to hustle it up...shit was getting bad at my moms and it was not a healthy place for D. D is living 1/2 hour from me in a gorgeous house and although it has not been perfect, D more or less likes it though there has been some things that weren't great..we're working with what we have.

On the weight thing, I finally, finally, finally, got an OA sponsor and began "working the program" starting with completely giving up,sugar. If you've never given it up take it from me...holy shit its hard.I went through very bad withdrawals and had to call out one day like a typical junkie! It was no joke. I've lost 20 lbs and I would love to lose 50 more...more if I could but I'm grateful for what I've done so far...it's been 4 months and maybe 20 isn't much for that time but I haven't gone up and for me that's good enough. My sponsor is a self described bitch and exactly what I need. She calls it like she sees it and so far so good.

I'm going to try and stay writing and I also plan to go back to art. It's been years but this is my year. I feel it in my bones. The reality of it is, I'm not the same person that I once was and this isn't new for me. It seems every few years I have an awakening of sorts and life takes me in a new direction or motivates me to move in a new direction and here I am again...onward.

So Life Goes On

I'm back at work and its the same shit different day though I certainly don't feel like the same person.

My relatives from my moms side are visiting and it's bittersweet as they're still grieving over my uncles death but the trip had been planned for a while , my aunt hasn't been to the U.S. in over 20 years and so the visit happened and I'm glad as I know we still have our lives to live so we're doing some fun things for my cousin who is here and young and her and I actually took a cake decorating class (that's her thing) and because I used to be a sculptor (not sure if I ever mentioned..) it wasn't such a stretch...it was fun...made me miss art so much though I now know cake decorating, the icing part, is not for me.... whatever... I digress.

Today I received a message from my friend Ollie about his wedding in November. I've known him since I was 15 or so and he knew my father well....My father actually invited him to live with him when Ollie was down and out.....I got one line from him when my dad died...not a call not a card and for every tragedy in his life I've flown out to help him. It bothers me and I'm not replying to his stupid wedding bullshit. I'm pissed. But that's it...life goes on and nobody seems to stop when it feels like your life has stopped...it's natural I suppose.

It's hard.

My fairy Godmother

I went to go visit with my fairy Godmother on Wednesday. She was completely unresponsive and had been so since the previous day when she'd been admitted by ambulance. I cried the whole time there...I've been strong but really how much can someone take. The nurse was eager to speak to me as she said they had no info as no family had stopped by. Heartbreaking. Two nuns had stopped by earlier and I explained that she'd been a nun for over 20 years. I gave them what information I knew and stayed for about 2 hours just talking to someone who appeared to be in a deep sleep. Thursday morning I called the hospital and they explained she'd finally awoken but could not speak though at times could not yes. I went to see her later that day and it was not good. Better than Wednesday but still a far cry from my usually feisty Godmother. I felt awful as I couldn't stop crying and she just stared at me but really, it was the straw that broke the camel's back...just way to much and even as I write this I can't help but feel a deep and guttural sorrow in my chest; feeling too much loss in such a short time.

It's been hard. My younger sib is having a very difficult time. They also had the awful experience of having a long time love who'd they recently broke up with find a new person and tell them it was serious. My sib is very close to a breakdown and I'm seriously worried.

At times it feels as if there's a curse over our family though there have been many blessings there seems to be just a bit too much heartache and troubles throughout our lives. I don't get it but have to think it's some kind of test from God or the fates or what have you.

Just trying to hang in.

I spoke to the girls who are trying. R just had a disappointment and J is going for a retrieval today. I'm hoping to get my application for the donor thing filled out sometime this coming month.

Sadness and heartache

On Sunday Father's Day I got a call saying that there had been a tragic car accident and my uncle had passed away. We were all beside ourselves with grief. My sister and my mother were planning to fly out on Tuesday for the services and I had D with me from Monday to Tuesday morning staying at my apartment for the week. At about 4:45am Tuesday morning I got a call from one of the aides to say my dad wasn't feeling well. I called the hospice nurse.....got into an argument with her of course..and when she finally agreed to go To his apartment she called me back to say he had very little time left to live. Needless to say I got on the horn with my sister at the airport and told her not to get on the plane and long story short my father died Wednesday morning with all of us around him in the middle so a prayer. I was okay through all of the arrangements....through all the vulturing that inevitably happens but tonight I got a phone call that my fairy godmother has had a very bad stroke and in truth it feels like just a bit too much....just a little bit like they're trying to kill me here. Hurting like hell and breaking my heart.

Sometimes this world is just a teensy bit too cruel...