Someday(s) are harder than others...

It's been a while and in truth I wasn't sure I'd come back but alas here I am with my heart full of emotions just spilling out of me. Right now really I'm just feeling tired; tired and depressed if truth be told. They say the fastest way to clear out a room is to put someone who's depressed in it. Alas, I really don't have to worry about that as few people come here but me and the crazies that lie within me.

Anyhow, where to begin. Really so many things have happened and by the same token nothing. There was an investigation at D's program after D reported that my mom hit them...it was not good. The police were called and I thought I was going to have a stroke. The police refused to investigate... This was so troubling for me on so many levels. First off I felt like I was torn between two lovers; I thought at this point my mother should know better but was caught up in feeling bad for her as she was freaked. The program suggested I press charges...Oh okay...right. D wasn't hurt except for the emotional aspect of it all and I pointed out to the program that this is about the 5th year that goes by without a residential placement for D that I've been requesting as my mother isn't able to properly care for D...hello people. Anyway, long story short, exhausting, almost had a heart attack complete with taking an anti anxiety pill for my heart palpitations and of course nothing came of it and in truth...THANK GOD!!! Nothing like an arrest for a mother who is not only a snob but also suffering from dementia....I would say more about it and try and take side but the truth is...for what? I'm clinging, clinging, to my sanity and reason so I can't take on any more.

My father is in the hospital again....not good. We've also been having problems with both my mother and father's business so I spent most of this morning with my mother in court. Now, if I was ever suicidal I'd spend the whole day with her and I'd surely die of frustration...she is beyond difficult. My plan had been to go to court and go to work afterwards but I found myself unraveling as I drove my mother home so instead I called out, bought myself something to eat, and came home. I then went to the hospital for a little while and then picked up my sib from the bus stop.

I decided to write, or more accurately, what propelled me to write, was my obsession with P face and Asshole which hasn't surfaced in a while but tonight while doing a google search I found out they had a little girl. You want to kill me Universe?! It just wrenched a hole in my heart. I guess a part of me feels that is the life I wish I was living and he's the one that got away and it's my fault because I didn't have the courage or so it seems to make it happen. That's the crazy me talking. The realistic me realizes that it would have never worked as I would have had to be the man and take the reins and that's just not my style and furthermore the dude was immature and in the end we would have been two fatties eating our way through life. His wife seems much more motivated to do shit, make shit happen, and take the bull by the horns...she's also much younger than myself...good for you Asshole (ha...)..! Oh well. That's the healthy me...not really that healthy but better than nothing. The bottom line is I realize perhaps a little late in the game that I want love, I want a man in my life....maybe not a husband but something like it....a support where I have his back and he's got mine and we're a fucking team who kicks ass together and gets through shit together and maybe it's all just a fairy tale we're sold and the actual relationship might be harder than I imagine but I want to have love in my life and that's that.

Speaking of healthy vs. unhealthy me, last week I went to go see the shrink lady and we had a serious talk about why I thought I was nuts. She said to me (again as I seem to be hard to convince), Gem, you are not crazy. Your family is crazy, the shit you  go through is ridiculously difficult and overwhelming and anybody would feel crazy having to take care of all of that. I felt better leaving. Still not 100% convince but I don't think I ever will be. You know, when the whole hitting thing happened with D it kind of shocked me but it didn't. I was hit growing up and really most of my friends were. Truth be told I'm not against corporal punishment but there is a time and a place and I don't believe in hitting when you are out of control. A spanking yes, absolutely, hot wild going crazy no wire hangers shit...no. I've had the no wire hangers shit many times...all of my siblings except for D have...shit happens and believe me that didn't stay with me as much as some of the emotional shit that haunts me til this day. It's funny that my mother was the big hitter though it's my father who caused the most emotional scars and he prided himself on never hitting the kids....my father really did a trip on me and it'll never be resolved. I told this to the shrink lady how this will never be resolved between us; not because he can no longer carry a conversation but because we never had a relationship where we could talk...neither one of my parents did with any of us though I'm sure that's the case for a lot of people. Kay at work talk to her mom every day...and used to speak to her dad every day too until his dementia got too bad. They have what she calls an awesome relationship and I hope, if I ever have children, to have even half the relationship she has with her mother. The shrink lady and I spoke about this...about how I worried that I might not as I have no personal frame of reference of a tight relationship with a parent. I don't know if she was blowing smoke up my ass but she said the fact that it was a goal and something I was striving for would set me on the right path....made me feel better.

Anyhow, there is apparently no rest for the weary as I'm on call and just got a call from the local police...
Will try to document more often...if for no other reason than it's a rare day that I blog and don't feel better after. It really is more of a personal journal than a blog but oh well.....

Shit

I've been feeling more emotional lately. I actually broke down at the Korean food market in front of one of my sibs which is so unlike me I can't even tell you. My mom's old neighbor was there. She is like a grandmother to us or more to D really and I love her though I could probably do a better job showing it. She looks terrible. I looked at her and actually saw what she would like look in her casket; that's what she looked like. I broke down...I had trouble just speaking to her as it broke my heart too much really. I keep her savings in an account in my name and I just told her to stop saving any more money as she has too much in there (about 20K). She told me it's just in case something happens...code for in case I die. I told her it's more than enough for what she would need. She told me okay that she wouldn't put more away. Heartbreaking talk. Just heartbreaking. A kinder soul you'd never meet and she's been through too much in her life, lost her 3 little girls when they were all young...I don't know how she's not still howling at the moon in pain and agony really.

Today is my father's birthday. He is in the hospital. Also saddens me. He's not who he once was. It seems everyone is falling apart and pretty soon there'll be no family left except for the sibs as they're all just falling apart.

Looming in the background of all of this is my babies that don't exist. Yesterday someone came to my job with a 2 week old little baby who was just precious. The woman, who probably thought I was a complete loon, let me hold him. He was beyond sweet and I held him for as long as didn't appear crazy. She had 3 other kids and had stabbed the baby's father the day before. Awesome. This is my life. I get to see all the crack head criminals with their babies that they will ultimately introduce into the system, and I stand to the side and get bupkis. Awesome. But that's life I suppose and who the fuck am I?

So I'm feeling a bit sad and tomorrow I leave to visit my family and confirm my cousin's daughter in Puerto Rico. I'm half Puerto Rican on my mother's side. I'm there for 5 days with my older sib and with D. D is having a hard time with all of this and I'm scared of what will actually happen when my mom's neighbor dies (D calls them every morning) or when my father goes though I don't think my father will go in the immediate future, or when my mother goes as I have the feeling that she will go suddenly...just a hunch....what the frick do I know really?

I read a quote today about people not realizing that there's not that much time and it so resonated with me. My old therapist used to say that I was living the unlived life and though I don't completely agree with her it's haunted me always. The thing I keep thinking is that I spent so much time feeling shy, insecure, not good enough, not woman enough that I did neglect large parts of my life. The part where you throw some caution to the wind and try out some guys and the baby part. I should have done all of this when I was younger. Even now I don't try with men. It's the not feeling woman enough, or good enough. Mattie at work made me a feel a bit better this week. One of the guards at work has a crush on me and every time I see him he says something to me. He's gross btw. I tell Mattie and ask her if I'm being too pick and I know she'll shoot straight as she's from the complete hood and she says, "What!? You're out of his league. What is he thinking?" Made me feel better. Sometimes I worry that I've been too picky and hence ended up with nothing but in truth I think that the people who were interested in me weren't good enough and I knew it...except for asshole but asshole too really. Oh well. I could deal with no man, it's the no baby thing that is just killing me. Shit.

Anyhow, that's my life in a nutshell. Lexie will be staying with Tess here at the condo which I hope works out...hope Lexi loves Tess enough as she's used to a million hugs a day. I'm a typical insane dog owner but it's all I have really. So that's that. I'm hoping my trip is fun at least a little. Hope I get to sit by the hotel pool with a cocktail at least once. Just need a little peace...just a little.

You feel what you feel

I'm having one of those days. It's the kind of day where you wake up too sensitive for anything really and I had to delete one of the blogs I follow. I've found that this happens too often for me..when their dreams have come true and I can't stand to read it because deep inside my chest there is a little voice that speaks the truth too loudly, that tells me most likely, this dream will not be mine. Is this pessimistic? I think more realistic.. In truth my brutal honesty is a way I both protect myself and slowly torture myself...the feeling that if I don't build up the hope it'll hurt less but really, I've found that the feeling is still devastating..whether you expected it or not. So today, one more blog got hidden for lack of my capability to figure out how to delete it entirely. It's weird really; there are some people who have a baby and it doesn't bother me at all..in fact I follow a blog where they had a little boy and nothing but joy there in my heart..really. But some people, who didn't struggle or appeared not to, not so much. I even had to get rid of one chick who struggled like a mother effer, had a preemie and actually blogged about how upsetting it is to have missed the last few months of pregnancy. I get it, I get that you didn't get the whole thing and your baby is sick but that you missed the last few months of pregnancy...but listen, let's get our shit straight and focus on the half full.

I have a friend on facebook. I met her as she was/is trying to conceive with donor sperm, though she's married. She has only done ICSI and has to space it out until her and her hubby can save up the pennies for each try. I would never dare bitch to anyone how my insurance sucks and poor me that I only got to try ICSI 3 times and IVF 4 times on my insurance's dime....I'll bitch there's not baby for me, no husband or partner for me, that I'll bitch about, but let's get a little perspective on what people miss out on...a few months of pregnancy and your baby is struggling to live...I'd bitch about the struggling to live part..not the missed months of pregnancy. Shit. But that's me and how I feel, and she feels what she feels, and really, who the fuck am I? Nobody...but I delete them so they don't aggravate the crap out of me.

I've been obsessing lately about what other people got, what I didn't get, shit at work and all kinds of stuff. I think it's because my period is coming and this was the last week of work for the layed off people (Asshole) who I promised myself I would not obsess about, ask about, talk about, et cetera but...and this is not one of those "everything after but is bullshit"...this is a legitimate but...Diana came over and told me Asshole information. Asshole will be working where my sibling D spends D's day. Not only did Diana mention this but yesterday while speaking to a friend she mentioned him, him losing the job, where he was going, and how he and Pface had a baby...said it 3 times to me as if I was old and deaf and then asked me if I heard her, and no I wasn't asking any questions...she was more or less going down a list....it's like he haunts me I swear. So...I'm putting these few words about it here and then I have to stop. No more! No more as it's just too hard and it's too hard for me to realize the extent of my obsessive thoughts and to know that, like any other woman, I'm human to falling prey to the wiles of a man and the fantasies we make up in our heads. In truth, I know it would have never worked out. I have a penchant for losers and perhaps it's a blessing that I'm single..Who knows. Only God I suppose.

So that's it for now. It's raining like hell here and I'd originally had plans to go to Jersey for a barbecue but that's out the window. Fine, fine. Didn't want to go any ol' way.

Adoption

Just wanted to write a little blurb on adoption. I have a sort of connection to adopt from Haiti though I hadn't seen the chick in a while. Today she came into my office and we had an opportunity to talk. The process is difficult and it would entail a trip to Haiti...something I really don't want to do. I love Haitian people, I actually speak some Creole which always shocks people as it's not a typical language to learn but it's always intrigued me... I know that it's very dangerous there, very poor, and very dangerous, and though I won't explain how I know so much about it, suffice is to say that I do, even though I've never been there nor am I Haitian. I always wanted to visit until I learned so much about it. It is now a place that even thinking about it scares the shit out of me. We'll see what happens. I gave her some of my personal information and she gave me hers and we'll see where this leads. The one positive is that I meet all of Haiti's requirements for adoption; they ask that you be over 35, you can be single (woohoo!!), and it seems that although not absolutely necessary, they prefer that you don't have other children. This is not an absolute for me, and I'm unsure of the cost but at least I have a start to some info. I haven't given up on the egg donor thing and as a matter of fact, go next Monday to have my second HSG..fun fun. Just wanted to update.

On the food front:

I have been hesitant to write about dieting, food, compulsive overeating, et cetera, on here because it is such a sensitive subject for me and I find that too often, people have simple answers for a complicated problem. By the same token, I have to deal with my food issues so here it is. Kay has a bowl of candy in her office and she won't get rid of it. It tortures me and I can hardly resist it. It's like leaving a glass of vodka available at any time when you have a drinker in the office but alas, I know this is not Kay's problem, it's mine. I find myself eating to assuage my stress and anxiety. I have been obsessing over Asshole and I thought I had washed the thoughts of him out of my head but apparently I haven't. I gotta get over it. I have to move on with my life and I know I will. I'm not sure which came first the chicken or the egg; if it's that thinking of him is giving me the anxiety or it's the anxiety making me think of him....crazy. And though I find that I am having trouble controlling my food, I did begin to journal my food again and I also weighed myself (not as bad as I had thought). I am loosely following the WW program though I'm not going to meetings..will start these, God willing, on Sunday. Will continue with OA but if nobody shows up tomorrow...that's it...I'm done. I'm not doing this shit again where I go and nobody else is there..that's bullshit.

Anyhow, that's it. I'm tired and frustrated tonight and want to drink and smoke and can't write. That's where I am in this life. Just taking one step at a time trying not to walk off that proverbial bridge and just realize that this too shall pass, and that there is always a better day on the horizon. I have to believe this even when I don't believe it. Gotta keep on keeping on (though I hate that saying it fits).

Ebb and Flow of a Slow regroup

I have periods of time where I'm feeling fine and periods that I feel I'm back down on my knees asking for some mercy. I have a lot to be thankful for. They are laying off left and right where I work and at this point I'm safe. Safe and grateful as I know there won't be another job coming along in some time that comes with this salary...not with a degree in something related to human services anyway. Asshole is getting laid off. Am I happy? Satisfied? Smug? None of the above. I feel a deep sadness at the things I am lacking in my life compared to what I have. I guess it all evens out as some of us have these huge luscious families and others have these huge fucked up careers...very rarely do we get both at least not where I come from. I'm grateful and I hate to say but...buttttttt...Today I was minding my business, doing some grocery shopping as Diana and Z are coming over. I'm on line and I hear someone say, "Gemma? Gemma So-and-So?" I turn around and search the person's face. That this happens to me a lot is an understatement as I live in a small area and I've been around for a while and most people have either met me or heard of me and rarely do I ever remember their names...fucked up but true and really, on a regular basis, I meet an average of about 10 people so... Anyhow, I remembered her...grade school. And there she is pretty as a picture with her red hair and her baby with flaming red hair and it was nice to see her but she asked the dreaded.."Kids"? ..."No, no kids, I wish" I say, and then the awkward.."You can have mine" comment/joke/what the fuck do I respond to that. In my head I think, ..really? Can I really have yours? Because I might just take you up on it. But of course I say the polite, "Oh is that your little girl?.. She's lovely. Too cute really". And I do all I can to bag all my shit and haul ass before I start crying. I make it to my car, feel the tears well and manage to pull it all together and finish my crazy lunch break itinerary of running from the grocery, to the bank, to the post office, to the gas station, and finally find my way back to the office. God is good and puts my neighbor, who also went to graduate school with me and interned with me in the office and I bring her in and we shoot the shit til just about time for me to hightail it out of there and I'm home to vacuum and wash out the wine glasses, pack up the groceries and wait for Diana and Z.
I haven't written in a bit as really, what was there to say? I'm waiting as we speak for my period and there's a part of me that doesn't want it...doesn't want it to come. I need to just get on with my life and I can't seem to manage that feeling like I'm constantly in limbo with this fertility thing. I'm just exhausted by it, emotionally and even physically exhausted by it,  and I secretly think it's just not going to happen but the thought of that is so painful, so agonizingly painful that I can't fully allow it to play out in my head. You know what I mean? I can't think outside of the simpleness of just that statement "maybe it won't happen"...outside of that I need to shut out any other thought on the topic. So for now...I wait. As soon as I get it I have to call the lab to schedule an HSG test and then call my doctor to tell her when it's scheduled...as I write it my body goes numb..that's how much I hate the thought...the thought that I'm getting closer and closer to perhaps the biggest disappointment or the biggest joy in my life. Fuck.

Yeah, this will work..

I'm supposed to be staying stress free and zen but I believe I mentioned I promised my Godmother to take her dog to the groomer. So I call her tonight and tell her it's going to be earlier than planned and please be dressed in case you have to go with and the dogs aren't getting along (they've never met). She tells me she has other plans with her neighbor to take her other dog and yes, she is 81 with 2 dogs less than a year old each ..one of which is a pit bull...only my Godmother...anyhow, I understand but I have to handle these two dogs and get to the doctor...she tells me her dog is black with dirt. Hmmmm...trying to figure out how not to be totally gross by the time I get to the doctor. So the plan is pick up her dog, it's some kind of cockapoo or labapoo or something..fairly large curly haired white dog, keep my tiny Tess from killing her dog and drive to East Jabib where my groomer is located than go across the county to my doctor's appointment..try to fit in either some shopping (as I desperately need new pants) or a massage (as I just received a million gift certificates for my birthday - actually I got 5 of them..woo hoo for me). After that pick the dogs back up, drop off my Godmom's, run home and change to go to dinner for my mother's birthday which is also happening in East Jabib..next state over (not my idea obviously). Today was also a run run run day. Did work. Got a call to trigger tonight at 9...really 9? That's smack in the middle of my night chaos. And will be going into the clinic at 8:30 on Sunday. So of course I get a call to pick up one of my siblings tonight at 7:30 p.m. which is the usual time. Sibling wants to run into the pharmacy. We are now looking at 8:30 p.m. and thankfully I threw in the HCG shot into my laundry bag just in case I didn't make it home in time which obviously was not going to happen. Get to my mother's to drop sibling off and at precisely 9:01 p.m. as it has to be on the dot..I inject myself in my mother's powder room...gross..I hate my mother's house...but in it went. So I ran today, will be running around tomorrow and Sunday will have to get up at the crack of ass to drop Tess off, come back home, and have Kay pick me up at 7:40 a.m. giving us just the right amount of time to get to the Doctor's by 8:30 a.m. Marathon weekend as usual but it is what it is and I'm more relaxed than I've been in a while so that's that. I've been trying to not focus on the things that I don't have and trying not to be jealous of others. Trying not to think about PFace and Asshole and the fact that their baby is here by now...the same month I had calculated mine would come had the first try worked..weird how shit like that happens. It's okay really...hurts but it's okay though please God and I know I've said this before, but please God, just send me my baby...don't make me lust after everything. Maybe this is sick..not sure but it's how I feel and really I think it's normal so...

Money

Tess was sick today. Sick that she wouldn't eat and this isn't the first time this has happened. Last time I believe the grand total for a weekend of vet bills was about $4K..yes that's $4,000..so today when Tess ignored her food, ignored her favorite..peanut butter and other faves..I began to sweat...no peeing, no pooping, no eating and I thought to myself.. please Tess, please don't get sick right now when I have the car repair guaranteed to be at least $2,400 and I've got medical bills coming and I almost emptied my savings..please Tess. At around 8:30 I gave her a pill that helps with nausea and stimulates her appetite..the last of the pills left over from when she was sick...she ate..thank God. She is now happily chewing on a bully stick and acting normal. The worst part of having a teeny tiny dog is that they're so fragile...I didn't know she'd be teeny tiny when I got her...figured she'd be about 10 pounds...nope...half of that with a super sensitive stomach and an allergy to certian meat..can you imagine!? Ugh...that was another $6k to figure out..I've in total spent approximately $12k just getting this dog healthy and she's not even healthy she's just okay for now...but I love her so..what's a girl to do and she's all I've got for now so..
I took my other baby..my truck ..to the shop tonight and dropped her off..had the "check blah blah blah" light go on last night on top of whatever is wrong with her and the signal also just broke...the poor thing is falling apart but alas I've ridden her hard. She's been my sad car...a car I purchased getting over asshole; a poor attempt to cheer myself up and one I couldn't quite afford at the time...a car that saw me through all my cancer treatments, and going back and forth to graduate school when I should have been laying in bed, and getting lost when my memory was affected and all the trauma with "D" and now this..my long drives to the fertility clinics in the morning at the crack of ass ..the car has seen me through some of the worst parts of my life as an adult and it's taken a licking and kept on ticking..a good rough truck..who by the way my sibling informed me last night I was too "old" to be driving...yeah yeah so says the person who's never purchased their own car in their life and still drives one purchased by their Pappy! please. Anyhow, am hoping they can really fix it and that I don't have to buy another car..I can't buy another car right now..just want to focus on getting pregnant and I need all my pennies for that. Just read somewhere tonight that I can deduct the sperm purchases on my taxes though I think it's only if it equals a certain amount of what you earn per year...I'm going to try and look into it though as every bit counts.
Anyhow, in for a long day tomorrow as there are a slew of interviews we are doing back to back tomorrow...fun fun...and whoever gets the job will probably still be employed while the lot of us hauling ass get lay offs..hope not but time will tell. Truthfully, there's a part of me that doesn't even care about that..just give me my baby..I'll work at Mickey Dees and make it work just give me my baby..

1,001 ways to torture yourself

Okay, here we go again with my obsessiveness and craziness. I did something last night that I shouldn't have. It deterred me from falling asleep and from staying asleep. I looked up pface and asshole's baby registry and there it was. They are due next month!!! Next month!! and really, it's none of my business but it hurt any way. To me it was the closest thing to the one that got away...and the fact that he ended up with her...someone he knew I could not stand made it all that more painful. But there it is..and they're having a baby. And here I am..not having a baby next month...having a birthday instead..a torturous 41st biological clock robbing birthday. Why do I do this to myself? I don't know. It's the crazy in me. Just call me crazy. But I had to get some of it out before I go to work and have to act semi-normal. How I go on I'm not sure as it seems like too many things hurt right now. Hope is what keeps me going...hope that this ain't over..that some dreams can still come true and make this all worthwhile.

Later that sleep deprived day...

I've made a promise to myself today that I'll allow myself to obsess over this for the next few days and then it's done. I'm not going to refer to Pface and Asshole anymore, no more looking their shit up. It's immature and unhealthy, and though I know too many women, and I'm sure some men, tend to do this obsessing over someone thing..for me it's gone on way too long and really..it's not who I am anymore. I'm not that quivering young woman that needed a man in my life and sacrificed personality for the benefit. Though I'd still like someone in my life that person better walk in strong and with a set on him..if you know what I mean as I can't take another weak man in my life..won't make sacrifices like that. You come in whole and strong..all grown up and no exceptions because that is what I need today though at times I'll admit I myself still have my moments of weakness....this morning was one of those moments...it happens to the best of us and I'm at a vulnerable point in my life. I accept this about myself. I'm a woman living her life alone for too long having gone through my share of shit...I'm deserving of the (sometimes more than occasional) meltdown..Not that anyone is bitching but it's hard for me to cut myself a break sometimes. Shit happens.

Crazy for feeling so lonely?

I had a dream about asshole last night..actually this morning as I think it was the last dream of the night so I awoke with it fresh in my head. In my dream: Kay was with me and Asshole was sitting to the right of me, though I was refusing to look at him, and Kay kept talking to him and asking him questions and pissing me off. I took her outside to tell her to cut it out and then I asked her, ..."how does he look"? Different she says, just weird and different. We go back in and lo and behold his face is weird..it's him but his face is weird..distorted. I wake up...get my shit together and I go to work and the shit is slamming us left and right..it's crazy busy. I find a second to tell Kay about my dream which she agrees is bizarre, and says maybe the universe is trying to tell you something. A client needs help. I go help the client and who do I see? Asshole...looks straight at me and at first, I'm confused..don't recognize him..something is different, though it's been a few years since I saw him last...a full beard...Maybe it's me but that is too freaky. Too close to the fucking dream..eerily close. I tell Kay..she says she's got chills..it's just plain weird in an eerie way. I call my friend Diana..she doesn't flinch..aren't you shocked? I ask her...no, you have that weird thing you do. We laugh. It's freaky. I tell Kay that I'm glad I told her as otherwise I would have thought my memory was playing tricks on me..that I was totally losing it on a road to crazyville. She says Gem, if you hadn't told me I wouldn't have believed you if you'd told me the dream after. Yes, strange and freaky..I laugh at the thought of my "psychic abilities" when I think of it as the day goes on.... and I think, I'm okay with the Asshole sighting..that I'm over everything..everything that was really nothing but it hurt like a mother effer. But I'm not okay. It fucks up my whole day. The whole day I think about him and his pregnant wife, and how maybe he was toying with me and how I blow things up in my head, and how I'm alone. 40 and counting and definitely alone.

Thanksgiving

I woke up today around 6:30 a.m. feeling grateful and thankful for all that I have; A family, friends, a good job, my Tess...and too many blessings to really count. This week one of my coworkers let me in to the fact that she had nowhere to go for Thanksgivng..this is a real crazy lady and she really doesn't work for us per se but near us and so she comes in daily to water my plants, get a little free therapy as she is going through something, help me with my mail, and just shoot the shit. People stay away from her but all in all she's not terrible though I've had my share of bad experiences with her. So she's got nowhere to go and reluctantly I invited her to visit the disfunction junction though she declined and it made me think how lucky I was to have a family to spend the holiday with. Onward moved the day, I finished making what I was bringing with and for whatever reason I terrible sense of sadness has come in to swoop over me. Thinking about Pussyface and Asshole...not having my own family..my own baby..a partner of any kind...just made me sad. So here I am putting this down here before I had out to face la familia and try not to destroy a holiday with my craziness. I don't know what it'll take to make me feel some sort of serenity in my life...not happiness per se but just serenity..always feeling like I am not enough in some way or harping on the past. Have to move forward in a more positive light. I have faith that this is possible but I have to make some changes in my life beginning with myself to see this happen...beginning with feeling more grateful...more glass half full.

IVF

The trek to the RE's office was quite an adventure as we got lost in a very bad, and I mean very bad, town.There were too many roads closed due to the snow storm and Kay was freaking out and screaming and yelling and I finally said to her "Kay, you gotta stop. You're making me nervous and I need to be calm". She did and apologized. In retrospect she probably wasn't the best decision for the ride there as she is a big worry wart and complainer but I love her to pieces any ol' way. A better friend, a girl couldn't have..we got there. They took me right away and the procedure went better than expected retrieving an unbelievable 21 eggs. I couldn't believe it..couldn't get the smile off my face though the pain was incredible. They gave me something intravenously and gave me more orally when that didn't quite relieve the pain. All in all a painful though lucrative experience that I'm hoping I don't have to repeat. Just hoping 12 get fertilized..that's enough for 3 tries if I implant 4 each time. It was so weird as Kay is nowhere nears shy..she has an uncanny confidence and maybe it's a growing up with tons of support thing or I don't know what, but she went through the whole waiting area and found these albums I had never noticed before. They showed all of the babies born and I couldn't believe the amount of twins and triplets and even quads born to people..most people had multiple births. I would like twins but not more than that..twins would be perfect..preferably one of each..does that sound like something you say at 16 or what?? I'll be happy with healthy.

So that's it. I thought of PFace and A-hole briefly on my way there but feel like I'm back on track emotionally..I can't live in someone's shadow or feeling like I don't have it all. What does "all" mean anyway? Too many people with it all show up at my job all fucked up by the person who swore to love them..too many divorces..too much heartache..too many children caught in the crossfire. I'll be good..just gotta get my emotional self together, keep it together, and keep my perspective straight..

3a.m. and all's well (for lack of something catchier)

So tomorrow I go for IVF..shitting a little hence the 3 a.m. blog. Anyhow, my friend Kay is taking me of course as who the hell else would do it. I'm supposed to have stopped eating and drinking at midnight and of course,,thirsty as all hell..ridiculous. I'm not sure why I'm nervous..I guess it all started Friday when I couldn't pick out a new donor and then found out I needed to order ASAP or I'd be fucked. Kay called me this morning to tell me the road to the RE's office is closed on account of this freak snow storm we had yesterday so I had to pull an alternate route up on mapquest so I'm pretty set. Gonna get up at about 7:15 and Kay is coming at about 9..gotta be there at 10. Scared..not scared more that I'm not looking forward to this whole thing..I'm really not. After the big C I just kinda feel like please stop poking me people and I don't like being under..makes me feel too vulnerable..feel like they'll be talking about my disgusting body..they will..oh well.

So I have a good feeling about this. I had a hunch and I could be wrong, that when I changed donors it would happen. I picked a donor I'm not thrilled with and after the fact I realized too late, that it was an Asshole lookalike..I didn't mean to do that. It must have been subconscious or maybe just coincidence but I"m not happy about it but at this point there's nothing I can do.

I'll be straight and say I've been thinking about them a ton lately and I say them because it's not him, it's them, it's an obsession that comes and goes in my life..I hate it and pray that it goes away all the time but it pops into my head and I can't seem to shake it. I'm trying to just focus on my own life..the reality of what it is..sometimes it seems so insignificant and that I'm grasping at straws here trying to make a life for myself against the flow here. My family. I don't even know what to say about them..you'd think they'd be like..how's it going, any news, so exciting, are you worried..instead..nothing..absolutely nothing. It hurts but I decided I'm not bringing it up again at all even if I get pregnant I'm not bringing it up. I think sometimes it's my fault that they're like this as I haven't exactly been a great sister or daughter..I've pushed them away. It's too painful for me and perhaps I'm a coward but that's how I feel..like it's just too much. I love them but it's a defensive love..you have to be careful because that love will kill you. It will emotionally kill you.

Jabs to the Gut

I sat in my RE's office this morning at about 7 a.m. watching all the beautiful people and not so beautiful people sit with their significant others. A lesbian couple, a black woman with her red headed white husband (who bTw was cuuuute..I'm not dead), the pretty couple who I thought were already finished with this as it'd been a while since they'd been there, and the hispanic couple with the husband who is quite obviously a controlling dick.. I sat there thinking shit Gem, what the heck are you doing? You're alone..you're doing this alone..how can you possibly pull this off emotionally..the pain of being alone has been magnified for whatever reason after finding out about Asshole and Pface..I've prayed on it and prayed on it, to liberate me from these thoughts and really, I don't even think it's jealousy as the thought of him repulses me now as much as the thought of her..too gross to even consider but not alone..though to me a lonely life any ol' how. I don't know what it is I want or what I'm looking for. Well maybe I do. I explained it pretty well to my friend Kay last night on the phone..I want someone in my life who can make me feel like a woman..just look at me like I'm a woman as at times I feel so discounted in this way. I don't even think marriage is something that I would want..but someone to take me out once in a while, treat me like a lady, and love me the same way once in a while. I don't think I could handle more than this but to find someone I can trust..I don't know..that's the hard part.

I went today to a conference that was talking about trauma, victimization, re-victimization by agencies, et cetera...and the incident from work popped into my head and I got so angry....just so fucking angry that my boss didn't protect me but instead protected herself and that fucking asshole..the fact that they twisted the story in a way that made me look like I was nuts..I take my share of the blame..I do, as I shouldn't have gotten angry..but to be manhandled..too much..I didn't deserve that..traumatized by that still today and that's all I'll say on that though I get flashbacks and I'll share that as well. Reinforced my distrust of men even more..made me weak in a way I didn't even know I was..fucked me up. I hate that fucking bitch and I don't want to feel any different about it..I feel the need to hang on to that in order to protect myself..fucking coward of a woman..coward of a man too..fucking cowards.

Just feeling hurt and vulnerable these days. I picked a new donor though I'm not happy with him. I'll admit to my superficiality as the reason I don't like him is he's not cute enough..he'll take though I have a feeling. Feeling on the edge of wild or edge of something..not insanity but of some deep sadness that's not depression just an exhaustion from all the emotions in my life. It hasn't been easy but it's been easier than a starving man's and many others.

All of these things, are little jabs to my gut and to my heart..trying to break me and I hang on to what's around me..been hanging onto Kay for dear life..Kay who is always my faithful friend..a gift I tell you. A blessing.

Run run running from the Pussy (cat) and the (Jack) Ass

I didn't know where to go with this. I really didn't. Talking to Kay and Diana didn't help much..really it didn't. I knew one day it was coming and so here it is..the day I found out Pussy face and Asshole were pregnant. Not quite as painful as finding out they were dating..or that they were engaged..or that they got married ..but painful nonetheless. So here I am with this information and really feeling nothing but shocked, confused, and I won't lie, in some pain. Not pain like I would have felt 5 or 6 years ago but pain. Wondering what did I do in my life that was so fucking terrible that I didn't deserve to meet someone too. I know asshole wasn't for me really though at one point I did think we'd end up together (delusional thinking), but in restrospect, I can see he's not healthy and it wouldn't have been good, but isn't unhealthy better than nothing? Is it? I'm really asking because I'm not sure. So no husband, or even significant someone, and no baby..yet. I want to scream with the unfairness of it all but the truth is, I know it's plenty fair. The reality of it is, that she did things, like the song says, that I wouldn't or couldn't do. And the forces that be kept us apart. He wasn't strong enough for me, strong enough to be the person I needed/need in my life and that's just the fact of it all. I needed a person who would fight for me and be a man for me and that's not who he is..so he's there and I'm here fighting for my baby..but not fighting for my man (whoever that may be)because like Asshole, that's something I can't seem to do either..too alike the both of us I guess, in that way anyway.

Speaking of babies, I went to the RE today but didn't see my regular chick, I had to see the gay guy Dr. L...I really like him and feel comfortable with him..it's the gay thing..makes me feel comfortable and taken care of..(past experiences) so it was good. He found about 14, count them, 14 follicles!!...good huh?

Bitter sweet getting pregnant this way I tell you. It's so precious but it makes not having a partner so crystal clear..magnifies any feelings of loneliness...but not trying is not an option here. It really isn't.

One thing I learned from having cancer and from realizing late in life that you really have to make an effort to attain your goals and dreams, is that life is very short. Now, I know people say this all the time but it really is the truth in terms of time. I do this thing every once in a while when I'm doing something mundane like climbing the stairs or sitting in a diner with my family or friends where I consciously remember the scene and think to myself, one day you'll look back and remember this. I remember doing this in high school all the time and let me tell you..it feels like that was just a year or two ago the scenes are so clear..white moccasins climbing the stairs up to the second floor. Life really is very brief so every day has to really count. I'm not saying I do fantastical things daily but I'm always, every single day, moving towards bettering myself in some way, or moving towards a goal. I feel at 40 that I'm running out of time..I know it may sound silly but I'm half way through and it doesn't seem like it'll be enough.It's the reason I go to bed late and wake up early on the weekends..don't want to miss anything..yes, yes, it's not good for me I know..constant sleep deprivation.

Anyhow, I'm sure I'll cry again today, peruse the registrant section of babies-r-us to see if there's a pussy face registered..but today is really the end of something for me. Why it took me so long to get here I'm not sure but I'm here.

Sanity

Sometimes, no,... most of the time, I think there is no such thing as sanity.I'm sitting here at 2 a.m. upset over something that I'd like to mention but don't for fear that I'll look crazy, not only to those reading here, but to those writing here; myself that is. So as I sit in my shit feeling miserable over another imaginary Asshole and PFace situation, thinking should I write or should I go, I come across a post from another blogger talking about the turmoils of their sanity and think to myself, Shit! we are all soooooo putting up a front. It's the shit that people don't say but want to say, that's their true self but I think,most of us hold back for fear of looking crazy, angry, stupid, et cetera. So I say, Gem, you're a little crazy but not by much my friend, and at least you know it. So I'll dare to talk a little bit about Asshole and PFace, two characters I've mentioned in a post in the past. Asshole broke my heart even though we had nothing together he broke my friggin heart and PFace, well, she was just there, an accessory to the crime so to speak. Anyhow, I found out tonight that they bought a house. A real pretty house and I'll put it out there not only for you but mostly for me,.. I'm jealous. Now..that's a hard one for me as I'm not a materialist person and jealousy is not something that I usually feel. I had to think about this really. I guess the jealousy comes from not having what I expressed in the first post I wrote here ever some time ago; the white pickett fence, the 2.5 kids, cars, dog, the husband...the whole shit and caboodle. I'm jealous, and trust me, I recognize that most of the time, the grass is always greener until you walk on that shit and realize that it's all a fucked up illusion, a facade, but still..... I'd like to live there for a minute...in that world that looks so pink..a world I've rarely visited but have seen countless times from afar. It makes me sad you know? I don't know...don't know if I'll ever be over that loss. When I first thought about starting a family, I bought a book on single motherhood and the author expressed the need to grieve over the loss of that picture book family. For me, that is so true, so real, so my life. This experience has proven to be a bitter sweet one for me as though it's a journey towards a dream, this isn't exactly how the dream should go you know? It scares me being a single mother in that I am in essence alone in this. Scares me.I look at people sometimes who have everything, pickett fence and all, and I think, why not me God? Why didn't I get a chance at that? I know for me there may be other plans He has in store, but it hurts a little. Makes me feel not good enough sometimes for love..from a man that is; though in truth, I'm scared as hell of them and what they can do to me..pain-wise that is..physically, emotionally, et cetera. But still,I'd like some romance in my life..maybe I couldn't do the living together or marriage thing but I could do the love thing..... Men... They have so fucked me up. And women too. It's all been so much at times though I don't usually dwell on that..it slips in sometimes..my little demons mostly from childhood/adolescents.

Nights

I was thinking about this guy that I used to work with that I used to more than have a crush on. I think back to that time as it's been quite a while as to how it all ended. Someone spread a rumor that I was involved with another coworker and this guy called me and confronted me and that was the end of that. I was crazy about him and it killed me..it killed me more that he ended up marrying one of my other coworkers. But that was a long time ago..I was someone else then...still fucked up but life hadn't killed me like now. I immaturely have code names for them;Asshole and P#$@face..did I say immaturely? Anyhow, I was looking at some baby clothes wondering if I'll ever need it and I ran a search for this guy's girl at a popular baby item registry just to see if perhaps they were expecting. I do this every few months..check up, see what I'm missing. I see him every once in a blue moon...we don't speak any more, and last time I saw him he had aged horribly, had gained an enormous amount of weight, had gone gray, and appeared to have trouble walking. It was so surreal to see him that way. Anyhow, tonight I thought of him as I'm looking through all these things wondering what it might have been like with him, or with anyone for that matter, to plan for a child. I've been having these days where I'm eccstatically happy during the day and crash with loneliness at night and fear that perhaps I can't do this alone. I know I can, but I get this niggling doubt creeping into my brain each night haunting me. I told you the other night I woke up screaming? Haven't woken up screaming in a while..The clomid also seems to be making me more sensitive I feel. It could be the med or the fact that this is alot. I'm happy and over the moon I'm doing it but it cements the fact that I am doing this alone. I have supports in friends, don't get me wrong, but ultimately it'll be me.

I felt weird today with my friend Diana. I think I mentioned that I would elaborate about her some time. Diana has been my very great friend for many years now and we've actually known each other since we were both 19 however became tight about 12-13 years ago when we worked together tied at the hip. She's going through something right now that's so bad, there aint nothing good about it. Close to two years ago, her husband lost his job due to an immature idiotic prank he pulled on a coworker. It was so bad (and racist/discriminatory) that it effected his license to do what he does and nobody would hire him. Diana has been married to him for about 15 years and she has always been his biggest cheerleader, and always expressed immense love and attraction for him. A few months back, after being forced to return to the workforce to help support her family she received a phone call from the hubby telling her to come quick as he was being arrested. Diana almost died from the shock to learn her husband had committed a very bad crime while working at his previous job. She was devestated...the news made the paper...her coworkers were aware...and more upsetting her family wanted nothing to do with him and was angry at her for not leaving immediately. About a month after this happened Diane's brother discovered he had terminal cancer. Needless to say Diana has been going through more than hard times. They have two very young children..one a toddler. Her husband will be going to prison this month. The weird part of today's conversation with her had to do with her moving in with me. I had earlier this year, tried to list my condo for sale and was looking to buy a bigger place so I could get Tess a little friend. Anyhow, I told Diana that if it worked out she could move in with me and the kids..and I meant it however, my plans changed. The baby thing happened and I realized not only was moving going to be near to impossible in this market, selling while trying to reproduce was just too much. Anyhow, Diana mentioned feeling I had given up on the "plan" of having a place for both of us. It was weird but I know she is wild with worry and fear so I'm just trying to be supportive and not think too much into this. I just explained that I wouldn't be able to sell and though her moving in with her mom was going to be less than ideal for her, time would settle some of the shit she was going through. I mean really, what do you say in this type of situation? It's so surreal as I always thought of her husband as being on the up and up...bad with their finances but on the up and up. Who really knows anybody? Diana was so freaked by the whole incident. I think it must have been a great shock to realize you're living with someone you really don't know..capable of shit you'd never think someone you'd be with would be capable of. The piece of shit has taken to making not so veiled threats against her and the kids. I think she should get out fast but who am I? I expressed this to her, offered to help her with a restraining order, and that's pretty much all I can do.. When she's working late and scared, I have called to check up on him and make sure the kids aren't hurt or he hasn't flown off the deep end. I think really, he's just scared too..who the fuck knows. It's such a fucked up situation really.

It seems everyone right now is going through something and I have to say, other than the baby project, my life (knock on wood) has been relatively quiet right now..trying to keep on the down low at work and trying to make myself as invisible as possible...just need to be left alone there in order to survive. My nights though have been haunting me..a time for reflecting on the scary things that go bump in my head keeping me awake, giving me anxiety. It's hard to share this with anybody or find relief from these feelings when everybody seems to be in such a place of distress and my therapist is out for a month. I miss having that relief but next week she's back so... Just have to make it through these nights for now.