I'm having one of those days. It's the kind of day where you wake up too sensitive for anything really and I had to delete one of the blogs I follow. I've found that this happens too often for me..when their dreams have come true and I can't stand to read it because deep inside my chest there is a little voice that speaks the truth too loudly, that tells me most likely, this dream will not be mine. Is this pessimistic? I think more realistic.. In truth my brutal honesty is a way I both protect myself and slowly torture myself...the feeling that if I don't build up the hope it'll hurt less but really, I've found that the feeling is still devastating..whether you expected it or not. So today, one more blog got hidden for lack of my capability to figure out how to delete it entirely. It's weird really; there are some people who have a baby and it doesn't bother me at all..in fact I follow a blog where they had a little boy and nothing but joy there in my heart..really. But some people, who didn't struggle or appeared not to, not so much. I even had to get rid of one chick who struggled like a mother effer, had a preemie and actually blogged about how upsetting it is to have missed the last few months of pregnancy. I get it, I get that you didn't get the whole thing and your baby is sick but that you missed the last few months of pregnancy...but listen, let's get our shit straight and focus on the half full.
I have a friend on facebook. I met her as she was/is trying to conceive with donor sperm, though she's married. She has only done ICSI and has to space it out until her and her hubby can save up the pennies for each try. I would never dare bitch to anyone how my insurance sucks and poor me that I only got to try ICSI 3 times and IVF 4 times on my insurance's dime....I'll bitch there's not baby for me, no husband or partner for me, that I'll bitch about, but let's get a little perspective on what people miss out on...a few months of pregnancy and your baby is struggling to live...I'd bitch about the struggling to live part..not the missed months of pregnancy. Shit. But that's me and how I feel, and she feels what she feels, and really, who the fuck am I? Nobody...but I delete them so they don't aggravate the crap out of me.
I've been obsessing lately about what other people got, what I didn't get, shit at work and all kinds of stuff. I think it's because my period is coming and this was the last week of work for the layed off people (Asshole) who I promised myself I would not obsess about, ask about, talk about, et cetera but...and this is not one of those "everything after but is bullshit"...this is a legitimate but...Diana came over and told me Asshole information. Asshole will be working where my sibling D spends D's day. Not only did Diana mention this but yesterday while speaking to a friend she mentioned him, him losing the job, where he was going, and how he and Pface had a baby...said it 3 times to me as if I was old and deaf and then asked me if I heard her, and no I wasn't asking any questions...she was more or less going down a list....it's like he haunts me I swear. So...I'm putting these few words about it here and then I have to stop. No more! No more as it's just too hard and it's too hard for me to realize the extent of my obsessive thoughts and to know that, like any other woman, I'm human to falling prey to the wiles of a man and the fantasies we make up in our heads. In truth, I know it would have never worked out. I have a penchant for losers and perhaps it's a blessing that I'm single..Who knows. Only God I suppose.
So that's it for now. It's raining like hell here and I'd originally had plans to go to Jersey for a barbecue but that's out the window. Fine, fine. Didn't want to go any ol' way.
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