Someday(s) are harder than others...

It's been a while and in truth I wasn't sure I'd come back but alas here I am with my heart full of emotions just spilling out of me. Right now really I'm just feeling tired; tired and depressed if truth be told. They say the fastest way to clear out a room is to put someone who's depressed in it. Alas, I really don't have to worry about that as few people come here but me and the crazies that lie within me.

Anyhow, where to begin. Really so many things have happened and by the same token nothing. There was an investigation at D's program after D reported that my mom hit them...it was not good. The police were called and I thought I was going to have a stroke. The police refused to investigate... This was so troubling for me on so many levels. First off I felt like I was torn between two lovers; I thought at this point my mother should know better but was caught up in feeling bad for her as she was freaked. The program suggested I press charges...Oh okay...right. D wasn't hurt except for the emotional aspect of it all and I pointed out to the program that this is about the 5th year that goes by without a residential placement for D that I've been requesting as my mother isn't able to properly care for D...hello people. Anyway, long story short, exhausting, almost had a heart attack complete with taking an anti anxiety pill for my heart palpitations and of course nothing came of it and in truth...THANK GOD!!! Nothing like an arrest for a mother who is not only a snob but also suffering from dementia....I would say more about it and try and take side but the truth is...for what? I'm clinging, clinging, to my sanity and reason so I can't take on any more.

My father is in the hospital again....not good. We've also been having problems with both my mother and father's business so I spent most of this morning with my mother in court. Now, if I was ever suicidal I'd spend the whole day with her and I'd surely die of frustration...she is beyond difficult. My plan had been to go to court and go to work afterwards but I found myself unraveling as I drove my mother home so instead I called out, bought myself something to eat, and came home. I then went to the hospital for a little while and then picked up my sib from the bus stop.

I decided to write, or more accurately, what propelled me to write, was my obsession with P face and Asshole which hasn't surfaced in a while but tonight while doing a google search I found out they had a little girl. You want to kill me Universe?! It just wrenched a hole in my heart. I guess a part of me feels that is the life I wish I was living and he's the one that got away and it's my fault because I didn't have the courage or so it seems to make it happen. That's the crazy me talking. The realistic me realizes that it would have never worked as I would have had to be the man and take the reins and that's just not my style and furthermore the dude was immature and in the end we would have been two fatties eating our way through life. His wife seems much more motivated to do shit, make shit happen, and take the bull by the horns...she's also much younger than myself...good for you Asshole (ha...)..! Oh well. That's the healthy me...not really that healthy but better than nothing. The bottom line is I realize perhaps a little late in the game that I want love, I want a man in my life....maybe not a husband but something like it....a support where I have his back and he's got mine and we're a fucking team who kicks ass together and gets through shit together and maybe it's all just a fairy tale we're sold and the actual relationship might be harder than I imagine but I want to have love in my life and that's that.

Speaking of healthy vs. unhealthy me, last week I went to go see the shrink lady and we had a serious talk about why I thought I was nuts. She said to me (again as I seem to be hard to convince), Gem, you are not crazy. Your family is crazy, the shit you  go through is ridiculously difficult and overwhelming and anybody would feel crazy having to take care of all of that. I felt better leaving. Still not 100% convince but I don't think I ever will be. You know, when the whole hitting thing happened with D it kind of shocked me but it didn't. I was hit growing up and really most of my friends were. Truth be told I'm not against corporal punishment but there is a time and a place and I don't believe in hitting when you are out of control. A spanking yes, absolutely, hot wild going crazy no wire hangers shit...no. I've had the no wire hangers shit many times...all of my siblings except for D have...shit happens and believe me that didn't stay with me as much as some of the emotional shit that haunts me til this day. It's funny that my mother was the big hitter though it's my father who caused the most emotional scars and he prided himself on never hitting the kids....my father really did a trip on me and it'll never be resolved. I told this to the shrink lady how this will never be resolved between us; not because he can no longer carry a conversation but because we never had a relationship where we could talk...neither one of my parents did with any of us though I'm sure that's the case for a lot of people. Kay at work talk to her mom every day...and used to speak to her dad every day too until his dementia got too bad. They have what she calls an awesome relationship and I hope, if I ever have children, to have even half the relationship she has with her mother. The shrink lady and I spoke about this...about how I worried that I might not as I have no personal frame of reference of a tight relationship with a parent. I don't know if she was blowing smoke up my ass but she said the fact that it was a goal and something I was striving for would set me on the right path....made me feel better.

Anyhow, there is apparently no rest for the weary as I'm on call and just got a call from the local police...
Will try to document more often...if for no other reason than it's a rare day that I blog and don't feel better after. It really is more of a personal journal than a blog but oh well.....

feeling shitty a/k/a Sunday

I totally lost it today at my mom's ..not screaming kind of lost it but bailed on everyone kind of lost it.   I couldn't take being with them any more and it's like I explained to my older sib when they asked me why I was suddenly pissed, I just felt like I was being held hostage. We had gone out to dinner for my mother's birthday which was fine but long and afterwards my sib says we're going to the supermarket to buy shit for my father. I didn't want to go but it was either go with them or drive the car home and pick them up and then, after spending what seemed like an eternity at the supermarket walking on eggshells because younger sib was grouchy,  we had to stop somewhere else and then go to my dads.... My sibling and my mother ended up staying at my fathers house. This normally would not be a problem however we still have not celebrated my mother's birthday meaning opening gifts and cutting a cake. It was already 7 o'clock. I go to my mothers house and I'm trying to sort through the huge mess of shit that we have left to do and finally I just lost my cool. It felt like I was never going to get out of there. Of course there was more to it than that but the gist..
It's my fault really because I find myself stressed over the amount of times spend with my family but I have choices. And really, if we delve a little deeper I'm harboring resentments against my two sibs to begin with and though I try to just ignore that piece of it all it's not easy. I need to do more to limit my time with them but then I feel like I spend too much time alone as it is....shit.
I hate when shit like this happens; when I feel like I can't take them any more, I act out, feel guilty, beat myself up, feel confused....ugh...it's too much.

Impatiently Waiting

I'm just waiting to be able to find out if this worked or not and though I know the odds are not in my favor there is always that annoying bit of hope waving it's hands in the back of your head, psyching you up for a let down. I have to prepare myself for this not working or maybe I don't. I don't know. R, one of the girls I met at the clinic is so positive this is going to work even though she's done several IVF's and IUI's before. I wish I could just abandon myself to hope like that but I'm a chicken shit. I've been waiting for the inplantation bleeding and it never came though I thought I saw an imaginary smudge of something last night. It just feels like my period is coming and rightfully so as it would have been calculated to come tomorrow. I so wish this would work which I know goes without saying. I can see how people do IVF over and over again. It's like sitting at the casino tables, losing but you keep throwing your money down thinking you'll maybe win one. That's really what it feels like except it seems to take forever for that roullette wheel to fucking finally stop and it's never on your number or even on your color..it's just a big fat loss.

I used to read a blog called Just Nesting. For whatever she privatized the thing so you can't read it any more...I had read her for years religiously. I don't know why but I just felt a connection. Actually my ceiling in my dining room is painted a color she suggested to me. Anyhow she was married and couldn't conceive...it wasn't the reason she started the blog as it had started way before that with another blog until she got married and did Just Nesting. Anyhow, I remember her wanting to do IVF and wishing her mom would help her pay for it. I think to myself now, little did she know it's not the magic bullet everyone thinks it is. I often wonder about her and if she ever got her baby. Heart breaking when you don't, really.

On the father front, they changed his meds and he seemed so much more alert yesterday. I think if they finally get his meds straight, his therapy straight, his eyes straight, he'll be able to pull all this shit together...not to the way he was of course but to a point where he might be able to function semi-normally. I was going to say to a point where he doesn't need 24 hour care but I don't know how true that would be.

Anyhow so that's that. I confess that I gave myself a home pregnancy test yesterday even though I know I'm not secreting any HCG or whatever it's called yet....I just had to get it out of my system and I used one from the dollar store...negative of course but it was 4 days after transfer. You hear that...that "but"...it's hope. Hope scares me. But there it is. When I used to work with addicts they used to say, "everything after 'but' is bullshit"...a double entendre there...but/butt. Yeah, classy I know.

P.S.: I'm adding this later as I just found her blog and am now following...psyched!

4th Retrieval

I go in for my retrieval tomorrow. It's my 4th and final IVF...the next anything, if there is anything, is donor eggs. My friend Ling is taking me which I really didn't want to have to go with her because she is not the emotionally healthiest person but I was hard up and it's the only one of my friends who doesn't work and that I'm tight enough to ask. You see what a bitch I am...yes, I am. Love Ling..but I have to guard myself around her as she tends to be one of those people that subtly puts you down.. Anyhow, she's taking me and I am grateful. I'm driving in as she doesn't really drive in NYC and she's supposed to drive back with me guiding her but if I'm well enough I'll drive. Kay couldn't do it as the thought of driving to NYC was too much for her..she's petrified which I don't really understand but whatever..I appreciate having people to ask when you can't ask your family.

Speaking of family I went to see my father tonight..he was horrible and was just yelling and couldn't be calmed down. The lady taking care of him tonight called me twice after I got home as he still wouldn't calm down. So stressful. I feel bad for him but he becomes abusive and then you don't want to help him..craziness.

Had more craziness at work when a friend of someone I was best friends with in high school came in and began acting all crazy. I had to end it and ask someone else to take over explaining that this was inappropriate..she was insisting I listen to all of this crap regarding my friend and wanting me to call her...absolute nuttiness. I think sometimes people don't understand the concept of professional boundaries. Aside from this the girl that is leaving my team came in today even though it was her day off. I'm not sure I mentioned that my boss finally explained she was leaving my team and being move to another. She went completely off and I'm glad that my boss got to see that side to her as it's what I've been dealing with for several years. She was almost manic with glee today which was very bizarre...I ignored it and went home early to catch up on some ZZZ's.

So that's the 411 on my life right at this moment. I am shitting 12 bricks that this won't work and I know my odds are not good but one can hope and pray.

This is your brain on drugs

I can't explain how crazy my brain feels while on all of these meds. I spoke to Kay tonight who said it was the same thing last time...I honestly don't remember. Feels so shitty. The silver lining to all this is the fact that this is the last time I have to be on all of these meds. Woot woot. Yes, I'm being sarcastic. The truth is I'd do this 50 more times if you told me it'd work. Well, maybe not 50 but a bunch more.

Went to the therapist today and she isn't leaving my insurance plan like the letter I received stated...she said it's some kind of error. Good session but we won't see each other again until March 5th. By then the shit will have hit the fan. I keep talking negatively hoping that I'm wrong...un-jinxing it so to speak. I know that shit doesn't work. That's how crazily desperate I've become. I'm now trying to un-jinx shit that's not jinxed. Lord...this is partly medication and partly my own insanity. Ugh...just want the relief. We talked about the "man" issue or lack thereof. She asked me if I ever thought of looking for one. No, never occurred to me. I explain I feel too shitty. I tell her straight up, I don't even feel like a woman at this weight. And that my friends is the truth. I feel like a wildebeest...or just a beast as I have no idea what a wildebeest is but it sounds so gross and exactly how I feel..gross. I tell her when this is all done I'm doing the lapband and getting myself in shape. I used to run, not sure if I ever mentioned that. On the treadmill mind you but it was running and I did it almost every friggin day. I'd run and do walking tapes and the Tony Little elliptical gadget...I was pretty fit. Now..not so much. I would like someone though..I would.


Tomorrow I go back to the clinic. I have to get up at 5 to make it there by 7 and make it to work on sort of time. It's the only way to miss the rush hour traffic as if the roads were clear I could make it from here to NYC in probably 40 minutes...in traffic it took almost 2 friggin hours. I'm tired. I'm just physically and emotionally tired.

My father called again tonight..."take me home". "You are home dad". "I want to get out of here. Come pick me up. If you love me you'll pick me up. These people here are liars". And on and on this shit goes. It was already 10 o'clock and I didn't want to go out again. I promised I'd go tomorrow and we'll talk about it all. Shit. The lady who works the morning shift had to leave the country unexpectedly as her brother was killed, poor thing...brutally killed at that. The tenant in the apartment above my dad's killed himself this past weekend...can you imagine? He stabbed himself. All this crazy shit going on and I just need the world to pause for a minute so I can take a fucking nap...it's all too much.

Anyhow, that's that. K, one of the girls I met at IVF class is going for her retrieval in the morning. She's the oldest of us all at 43 but I bet it works for her. I think the one's with the least chance are me and R. Me because of my weight and R because her eggs blow. And I'm going to say that thing you're not supposed to say because it's what I feel and as selfish as it sounds..it's how I feel...selfish....Here goes and if you think less of me..I'm sorry..I hope I'm not the only one who ends up childless. I hope it's either we all have a baby or only some of us have a baby but not just me left behind. Fucked up and selfish but there it is...and I know I'd feel that way sans meds on the brain. Frick.

Feeling a little of everything

Feeling cranky from all the meds and having muscle pain galore. I remember the muscle pain from last time though perhaps not as intense as it is now. The crankiness is almos humorous it's so absurd. I was walking from my mother's house to my father's. They live in one of the shittiest towns here in this county and as I'm walking in the dark..alone...someone comes up behind me and gets so close they actually touched me. Mind you I had my hood up as it was drizzling. I turned around quickly and fucking blew them a new asshole. I think he intentionally intended to scare me...no, truthfully he probably planned to try and steal from me but I blew his ass up. 10 years ago I probably could have physically defended myself somewhat but the truth is after the big C I don't have even a third of the physical strength I used to. So I cursed his ass out, actually came up behind him and asked him how he liked it. Yup, that cranky. I grew up in this neighborhood though I admit it wasn't quite as shitty as it is now but I'm only a bit nervous at night. The crankiness gave me super balls it appears. Crazy....crazy.

Anyhow, one of the other girls J, that I met during IVF orientation had her transfer yesterday. She's 42 and they transferred 2 though she wasn't hopeful as they didn't develop as far as she'd hoped.

I have to tell you that I'm terrified. I'm terrified that I might have some hope that this will work even against all odds...this is a set up for disappointment and it scares the shit out of me. I'm still knocking around the dreaded idea of stopping after this. I could scream with the agony of this process. It's just so fucking crazy painful and so crazy what we do to ourselves mentally. I see these other girls; K, R, and J. All of us hoping against hope for a baby. I could cry with the desperation we are all feeling and I see mothers and father everywhere taking their children for fucking granted...they don't seem to realize how lucky they've been...how fucking blessed...they don't seem to realize. I see them yelling at them or tugging on them. Today I saw some guy with the little toddler trailing behind in the parking lot with all this traffic. The kid had to be all of 2...WTF dude..pay attention... but the phone or what have you was way more important...shit.

I went back and read some of my old posts to remember what the fuck had been happening. I had completely forgotten that 7 had fertilized last time but 5 were put in. 9 mature. Those are good numbers. Those are good fucking numbers..and I don't understand why they don't stay in. I want to hope. I really do. I wish I could let myself go like in the beginning and really fantasize about how awesome it would be. I can't. I can't do that to myself..can't open up myself to that hurt. I figure if I get pregnant I'll have plenty of time to do all that. Breaks my friggin heart this whole thing. My sibs are again not interested though I didn't tell them I'm trying it'd clear that I am but not a peep, not a question..fuck it. I have to just do this for me and my life. Me and my hopes and dreams. wow...life is painful sometimes..too often. I still believe it's good though. I really do. Crazy.

The Pressure

So I get a call Thursday after running around like a fiend...like a fiend I tell you. I had to get to the clinic by 7a.m. as I had an all day conference that I could not reschedule at 9...ugh. I get there...they can't find my chart..my fault as I didn't call the day before, can't find a vein because my scar tissue from cancer has made it so the phlebotomist jokes, "you have no blood"..I wish I say then maybe I could rest..ha ha. Then, I can't open the bathroom door in the exam room which makes it so I can't remove my friggin tampon (girl problems..ugh), doctor leaves and comes back late late later...I run run run back to the work site..make it just in time. Pick up Tess during lunch and drop her off at my mom's as she's been alone way too long...run back to work site. We get out early...I'm delirious with lack of sleep as of course the insomnia kicked into the 3 hours I had allotted myself so I run back home sleep for half hour then run to pick up D for D's doctor appointment...D is hearing voices terribly..poor thing..love D....We drive home happy with the doctor pick up stuff for my dad. I get to my mom's to drop D off...where is my phone? Oh no..lost it..don't care for a minute except older sib calls on mom's line that she needs to be picked up. D's doctor calls, she'll be there for another hour and guess what she found? Phone.  I take Tess to my dad's to drop off the food for him...stay with him for 1/2 hour..he's not good..I explain I can't stay as I lost my phone have to pick it up and pick sib up..Dad's unhappy...slumped in his wheelchair a sight nobody ever wants to see...worst nightmare sight you ever want to have of your parents. I go pick up phone, go home make myself a grilled cheese. In the middle of this chaos the clinic calls...my sperm is not there and they can't proceed until I have sperm there.. I'll order it today I promis..yeah, when the frick will I have the time..and who exactly am I picking. Run pick up the sib, get home after 10 conk out on the couch and awaken at 1:30a.m. to realize I took none of my fertility drugs....take them half delirious. Ever try to measure out needles of shit half asleep?...meds I'd never taken before?...yikes.

Which brings me to today. I had work yesterday in the middle of this fricking storm. I go and tell the boss I'm leaving at 12...really because I have to pick out a sperm donor. I'm still delirously tired...spend the afternoon picking out sperm so frustrating as everyone seems to be CMV positive which is a big no no, and hours later, got it down to 3. So sucks as there is nobody I really love but c'est la vie. I call Kay give her the 3 for her opinion...she's leaning towards where I'm leaning, but tells me if you don't have to order til tomorrow see if you see anything in the a.m. and then order. Okay. Today I look...anxious as all shit..make my decision and go to order. My authorization from my doctor has expired. What?!!! I call the clinic and get this mother friggin ghetto chick on the phone who is doing one of those, I'm talking to you but also to my friend at the same time...fuck...fuck...she's not even a teeny bit professional...I have to repeat everything 50 times. I say is this an answering service, "Well hello, of course. You think someobody is gonna pick up on a Saturday? Ha. This is how it is sweetie........." and on and on it goes. Fuck. Fuck. Fuck. She says she'll tell one of "the girls" and see if someone gets back to me. Okay, okay you mother fucking uneducated ghetto bitch who is talking to me like I'm a piece of shit when I'm totally freaking out...okay ghetto ass. But I say none of this..not that crazy. I say, thank you so much. And here I wait for the phone call so I can try and order sperm.

I have to resign myself to these facts. If I can't order sperm on time I have to do all this shit all over again. I feel like I don't care. I don't care because I can't take the pressure anymore. I have to start again? Okay fine. I'll start again. I can't fucking give a shit and lose my mind over all of this. I just can't. I'll see if they call and if I can order today..great...if I can't..I'll try for Monday...if I can't, I say FUCK IT AMERICA! I can't take the pressure so I say FUCK IT...thank you so much.

Back to the plan

Today I went back to the IVF clinic. Kay went with me at my request because I still wasn't comfortable with the commute into NYC...and the GPS goes crazy with all the bridges and tunnels..plus I wanted the company. Kay is my angel..I swear it. Anyhow..had blood drawn. Spoke to 2 people regarding the no period..they didn't seem that concerned. And last but definitely not least..attended the IVF class even though I'd already gone to one at the old clinic they made me do it again. I met 3 ladies there. One, the youngest who I instantly didn't like was 35 but she ended up being okay. I'm giving her all my old meds as she's paying for them out of pocket which is ridiculous. The second chick is 42 though initially said she was 41..I knew she had lied as I had looked at her DOB written on her folder...she is also using donor sperm. The third, and the one I know the least is also I believe in her 40's and has never tried anything. I emailed them all to just follow up and invited them to keep in touch. Going through the class brought back all of the old feelings of dealing with all the injections and the stress of all that crap but at least it distracted me from the stress of work.

Speaking of.. I asked Kay today if she though I was getting fired. I feel like I'm being set up..I really do. There is nowhere to turn though. My boss' boss is the County Exec who is planning to exit soon and really, who goes to the country exec to bitch. There's nowhere to go. The union can't help me. I don't know. I don't know what to do. I'm trying to just go with the flow and try not to obsess but the stress is ridiculously intense. I'm thinking of applying to a job, also with the government that is posted. It's about 40,000 less a year but it's not nothing.. Gonna look at it again tomorrow when I get to work and see if I qualify for the exam (all the jobs are by examination..civil service..), and go from there. I don't want a cut in pay but at this point the stress is ridiculous. I figure if it comes down to it I'll figure shit out.

I never called the guy back. Did I mention the guy? Not sure if I did or not but never called him. My feeling is if he wanted to reach me he would have called me in the evening when he knew I'd be home instead of just leaving messages during the work day...what the fuck is that? Anyhow, I chickened out because I'm now chickenish. My therapist said I'm stronger than I think but I think she's got it wrong. I think I'm weaker than she thinks...not weaker but more emotionally vulnerable. I feel at times I'm at the precipice of insanity.

Anyhow..I go off as usual. So I'm back on track for babyville. Hoping and praying which is all I can do. The rest is out of my hands.

I'm a Wuss now..sh#$

I've turned into such a chicken shit I can't even stand my sniveling self anymore. I'm freaked out at work and feeling anxious left and right. I'm super freaked about this upcoming IVF thing and even just waiting for my period (due tomorrow) is totally stressing me out, even though it's not this round I'm doing, but next round....freaked, freaked, freaked. I have to call them though the day I get my period this cycle..why? I don't know..I'm just too freaked to really think shit out. And last but not least...I'm freaked that this guy that is supposedly interested in me is calling me...at least I think it's him as someone, with his same last name, left a quick message yesterday on my machine telling me to call him but not saying why. Supposedly this dude met me at work though he was not a client and of course I can't remember him for shit because that is how I roll...I never remember anybody...just meet wayy too many people. Kay doesn't remember him either. Who the fuck knows..but I'm freaked. I feel like shit about my body and I can't go out with anybody like this. Aside from that I'm in the middle of trying to make a baby... He's actually the same mix I am and works in a sort of similar field.. If he was the one that left the message, he has a slight accent...not really my thing but who the freak am I really.

Anyhow, I'm trying to be calm as I know I have to be for this upcoming cycle but I have too many fires going at the same time and the stress is just ridiculous... Mattie tells me to pray about it and I try to pray but I'm distracted by my own thoughts..craziness really.

Any ol' way, I can't write as my hands are killing me. Wanted to just touch base and catch up, let go of some of these thoughts here on these pages.

Trying to stay cautiously hopeful about the next few months. I'm scared as it's more hopeful than cautious and I can't have another broken heart this year...

Stolen Groove

I was on such a high on Monday and just feeling so serene on Tuesday, not even the bitches could steal my groove or so I thought. I went into work yesterday to find half my staff gone. Couldn't find a one from a particular section I supervise except for Kay. Go over to the administrative side of the building and there they are crowded into my bosses office to bitch about me. I'm cool, still handling it..no sweat. I speak to my boss afterwards who says there's nothing to talk about; that all their shit is petty shit. Okay but it's hurtful. One of the women in there is a "friend"...we've shared shit. I've given her a ride home before, counseled her through a divorce and the mental breakdown of her son. As a matter of fact, Tuesday she told me the whole story of what is going on with him at this point emphasizing how she can't share it with the others who don't get it. She was in there too. This woman is 20 years my senior. In fact, all these people are older than me. It hurt. The leader of the pack is the chick Patty, who went off on me at the end of November, had gone off again Tuesday night and managed to rile all these people up. My boss said, 2 of the staff admitted having no gripes with me and another had nothing in several years...they were all there to support Patty. It hurt. She continues with her abusive, mean spirited, insubordinate shit and nothing is done. I told my boss this but I may as well have spoken to myself and nothing continues to be done. Today after I had corrected an investigation she leaves me a printout of when to use a semi colon...this because I questioned her use of one. She constantly uses them incorrectly but it was just another snub from her. I went to speak to her and she proceeds to tell me she can't talk right now, cuts me off...same ol' shit. I called her nasty, abusive, and fresh as she stormed away from me. I wanted to deck her one and I know shit comes around but sometimes you wonder why it doesn't come immediately. The truth is, she is a very angry unhappy person because of her son. We've shared a lot about it because of D and the similarities in their outburst and issues as children. The biggest difference is that she's embarrassed by her child and my family would carry D on our shoulders tooting a trumpet we love D that much. Fucked up really. Well I lost my cool with her and cried hysterically in my office. I just can't take the abusive behavior anymore, the snubs, the bullshit when I have tried to be so supportive of not only her but all of my staff. It hurts really...so I let her steal my groove. So not the me I used to be. I'm more vulnerable now, not as tough... but it's just been too much. Life has kicked my ass and though I've tried to roll with the punches I'm scarred..I'm scarred and there's no amount of therapy can take it all away.

Kay said, Gem, you can't let them upset you. Not when you're going to try again. But it's easier said than done and I'm feeling particularly vulnerable especially with the situation with my dad. This new clinic requires a psych eval if you're using donor anything and I have mine scheduled for the end of January. Dude will probably think I'm out of my effin mind but if all this shit was going on in your life you'd be crazed too. Running my dad's business is also getting a little overwhelming and as crazy as she is, I'm thankful as hell for my mother who has been a great help. She ran the business for years and even with her dementia, half the shit is like breathing for her..she remembers and has tons of valuable connections, ideas, et cetera. Thank God. I do what I can and I'm getting good at negotiating deals but picture trying to do all that shit, learn all that shit, after you've worked a full day, and try to juggle visits to the nursing home and your own life, and bring a dog with you because you feel guilty that she's home all day alone...so she's been in people's businesses that aren't happy about it, nursing homes etc. Funny story with Tess; I take her to the nursing home, she starts barking at a nurse who runs by, my dad is all fucked up in the bed and his roommate is fast asleep. Tess' bark is high pitched so my dad's roommate yells out, "it's okay Herbie, daddy's home, Daddy's home..it's okay Herbie". All in his sleep. Funny. I guess you had to be there.

Anyhow, that's it. That's my life right now...Riding the highs and the lows and just trying to maintain.

She says it's not my weight!!

So I went to the appointment today. Took 2, count them 2 hours to get there. She was thorough as all hell and I was nervous as all hell. Cried all the way to Kay's house to pick her up as she made the trip with me..what a friend. So the doctor asks me what brings me there, asks me what I think went wrong. I tell her they told me it's most likely a chromosomal abnormality or it could be my weight. She says, "It's not your weight". She then says, Whyyyy didn't you come here first?! I wish you would have. She says it's my age and my uterus but later, after looking at my uterus..fun fun...she says it's fine.  Tells me that I could try IVF again, that it wouldn't be crazy. That if she were to do it the one thing she would have done differently is she would have let the eggs mature a little more before taking them out. Can I tell you...the whole time I was doing IVF I was wondering why she didn't leave them in for longer?! but I never trust myself, don't want to appear like a know it all, scared to ruffle feathers or ask stupid questions, and I hate that but that's life. She says, if you're producing 20something eggs, and only 5 are mature, what a waste of all those other eggs! She says to find out if the remaining balance on my insurance $11,000 can be completely applied to donor eggs and if not to try the IVF once more...if it can then just go with donor as the stats are better... I tell her I'll do a round of donor out of pocket. So it looks like it's another round of IVF. I don't think it'll work but I've gotta give it a shot...one last shot with my own eggs. Right before I began writing this post, I logged onto my facebook and saw that another one of my friends, my age and always sickly, just had a baby. All I can do is pray.

After the doctor's appointment Kay and I went and got something to eat, I ran home with a ridiculously upset stomach and a little tipsy from 1/2 a glass of wine, fell asleep or more like a coma on the couch and then went to my dad's apartment to begin packing up the shit. I had told my younger sib to meet me and we could just do an hour's worth so they agreed. We emptied his fridge, cleared everything off the wall, all his meds and bathroom shit, Pretty good so far. We also discovered that my cousin who is 19 and was shipped here to stay with relatives from whatever country he's from has been breaking into my dad's with a credit card, this after we changed the locks suspecting he had been breaking in, and has been having friends over. We left him a note along with all his shit we found hidden in a closet for him to hightail it. My dad tried to help him when he first came and let him live with him but had to kick him out, as did the other relative he was sent here to stay with..I still feel bad as it's winter and freezing but we can't have someone using drugs living there.

So after that I ran to the supermarket as we're having a breakfast at work tomorrow in lieu of a gift exchange and bought all kinds of shit...shitty shit. Usually I bake or order a beautiful platter of fruit that costs an arm and a leg but my heart's not in it. I'm pissed at those people or some of them and honestly, who has time for that and I'm stressed. So I bought two packs of $3 cinnamon buns, a box of cookies, one of donuts, all store baked (wow, impressive), 3 orange juice containers, and I'll pick up some bagels tomorrow. Sounds like a lot but really I spent about $20 at the supermarket and have a coupon for bagels and cream cheese combo for $12.99 so..... I usually buy each staff a gift and bake them a little something. Fuck it is what I'm saying this year....fuck it and I'm tired. I didn't even decorate my house...no tree no nothing. My plan is to buy 2 poinsettias tomorrow and put one in the dining and one in the living and merry friggin Christmas folks.

So that's it. I started the day crying on my way to the doctor and ended it crying seeing my dad's apartment empty but I smiled all day in between as in general it's been good...chick gave me hope. So the beat goes on and I'm hopeful again. Not deliriously, naively hopeful but thinking..hmm...maybe. Maybe it can happen.

Coming to a head

The anxiety is at full swing folks as this week the shit is coming to a head...so I'll either be in pieces at the end or will see a ray of hope. I have my appointment this Monday with the new clinic and the new doctor. Did I mention I pulled up the stats on Sart.org and my regular clinics stats were ridiculously low...so low it's just not even worth mentioning. The shrink brought up the fact, and I do believe I'm repeating some info here, that stats depend on the info going in...in other words on who they actually accept and it may just be that my clinic takes everybody and this other clinic does not...hoping this isn't the case and they'll actually take me...well time will tell won't it. I feel like this year has been the ass kicker of ass kickers and it'd be great to end on a positive.

In other news, my father is still at the nursing home for longer than we expected as he had somewhat of a setback. He continues to hallucinate and be nowhere near normal mentally or physically. A devastation really and last night after picking up my sib from the bus stop they stated wanting to get to the bottom of it so that he can go back to normal. Go back to normal? Ummm, perhaps I've had the hope bitch slapped out of me but I said to them, Uh,,,I don't think he's going back to "normal". Not for nothing but..hello. I could be wrong. I hope I'm wrong. For D's sake and for his sake as he hates all of this shit and I hate it to but frankly, I'm not holding my breath. Aside from all this shit, the finances are going faster than you can say, whatthefuck? and my youngest sib, who is in charge of the finances is in shock. They had given a budget of $2K to fix the new apartment and I said, are you just accounting for materials? They thought I was nuts. I explained, having recently had a bathroom renovated this shit costs dough. Needless to say, $2k went on materials...we're waiting to hear how much the work turned out to be. Yes, we work ass backwards...work first price later..go figure. There's nothing that can be done about it but we are definitely raising every one's rent come next year. He may be discharged on Monday which worries me because there is no way I can help with that....waited over 2 months for this doctor's appointment but I won't even jump to any worrying as I've got enough in real life.

Work is work. I finally had the opportunity to speak to my boss about the shit going on in my unit. No reprimands for anybody of course....may be taken off of my staff list and put in a different unit which is fine. I'm just so done with the whole thing really. Just need my peace but need my ego to get out of Peace's way. I am well aware that my worrying is my own OCD shit and though I've never been diagnosed with that..thank God...every one's got a little of everything and it's crystal clear to me that work woes is a topic that I take too personally. I wish I could just go there, leave and blow shit off but it's like I'm constantly playing these old tapes in my head and I rewind the mothers and play them back...angry at the whole shit of it. Got to get over it really. Just trying to find a way. I've just been praying about it like Mattie tells me.

As far as my fairy Godmother I haven't visited her again and I feel terribly guilty but the truth is I have not had time for shit. My apartment is a mess and today, the first day I would have had some time, I found myself unable to get up off the couch dead asleep as I've been unable to catch enough zzzz's all week. I finally had time to dye my hair today and shave everything that needed shaving...tmi..sorry...and tomorrow I take care of plucking and bleaching whatever else needs to be done.

And that's it. I'm wiped. Just fucking wiped. Say a prayer for me this week whoever is out there as I'll need it. I'll need it and I've needed it as there are too many days where I feel I'm at the cusp of losing the shit.. Just losing my friggin mind or whatever is left of it.

Fighting with the Sib...shit

I went to visit my father tonight at the nursing home. My younger sib with whom I've never gotten along was there. They start off by saying they had a meeting with the accountant today and want to hire him to take over all of the managing of the properties paying him $100 per rental unit. This is a topic we discussed before. I tell them I'm not comfortable with this and would rather a family friend who'd offered to do this do it for us. I don't know how it happened really but we start to argue. They say they are the one who always has to do everything and nobody is involved. I say I've offered and nobody takes me up on it...only want me to do what they want. They bring up all kinds of shit, say I've never offered..I go back and throw up the fact that they never asked me about the trying to get preg..they say they were the last to know about it and that fact is offensive.. I'm livid and I end the conversation. I just emailed them and told them I regret the conversation and would like to be informed of any future negotiations. I'm pissed.

I'm pissed and I'm done. Have had enough of their shit. They say they walk on eggshells around me and I tell them the feeling is mutual as they are always in some sort of state of breakdown.

They shoot down everything I say and I tell them..conversation is pointless if you just shoot everything down and don't acknowledge...they deny of course. I wait a bit and finally bid farewell to my thankfully sleeping and snoring father...hightail it to pick up Tess from my mothers take her for a walk...write the infamous email and here I am telling the tail to try to get the rest of it off my chest.

I wanted to just get down and dirty and call her a fucking bitch but thought better of it thank God. Anyhow, had to get it out. Will smoke a cig and have some wine and call it a day. Whatever man. Shit.

Yes, it's more of the same

I'm probably just annoying the fuck out of myself more than anybody else but whatever. I got my medical records today from my RE's clinic. The last note said, "patient upset that more information not provided regarding donor ocyte. Pt frustrated and will call back"...I wasn't frustrated really. What I was, was hysterically crying at the unfairness of it all. But the point is, the papers, like anything else related to resuming trying, made me feel bad for lack of a more sophisticated way of describing it. My gut tells me there'll be no babies for me. I hope I'm wrong but I don't think so. The thought of that is too painful so I won't think too much on it. The other thing I thought as I read the papers was that I should have gone somewhere else....somewhere with better stats, some place fancier. Coulda Shoulda whateverthefuck...I didn't and there's nothing I can do as the time went by and the money flew away and there's nothing I can do about it.

I was talking to the girl who replaced Lexi today....she's a bit odd in a detached sort of way but nice enough and I recently found out she's older (30) than I thought. The topic of men and babies came about and she said she was single though she wanted a family and worried her time was running out. I told her hurry up. Hurry up and put yourself out there as it goes by quick and yes, you can definitely get left behind. I suggested eharmony. It was a good conversation...the kind every girl who is 30 and thinks they still have plenty of time needs to hear...you don't have any time and hustle if you want it... What I really wanted to ask her but would never in a million years and this of course is my crazy little fantasy, is, would you ever give someone an egg. The thing is she's partly what I am, she's got mad ass curly hair like me, and she is bright with my skin coloring. I would never ask her but I can secretly dream I suppose.

Anyhow, this whole topic is giving me a fucking headache.... Living in a world where you fantasize about somebody else's eggs ain't easy...sheesh..

La Familia

I got a phone call yesterday when I was just about ready to leave for work from my younger sib saying that my father had fallen, could not get up and was taken by ambulance to the hospital and wouldn't I be good enough to meet him there as I was the closest and they lived too far? I proceeded to curse said sibling out (because I believe I mentioned I have some issues) and said that of course!! as it's always me!! and off I went to the hospital, calling out for the day. My father and I are not tight and I believe I mentioned we spent about 13 years not speaking, yup, count them, 13 years. Why you ask? As a child whenever my father was upset with one of us he would stop speaking to us...not for an hour, a few hours, a day, or even a few days...it would last for weeks, sometimes months, and I remember for one of my sibs for over a year. We used to have to beg him day after day to speak to us until he decided it was enough and then whenever he felt like it he'd speak. So sometime in my 20's when he stopped speaking to me (I was in the middle of working on my bachelors..hence the student loan as the check left with the speaking) I'd had enough and I told him, "you're not speaking to me? Well I'm not speaking to you either" and it was ON! He ignored me and I did the same...lasted 13 years until he called me at work sometime last year or thereabouts. Anyhow off I went to the hospital yesterday...resentful as all hell. My older sib called and said they would come and I told them forget it....at around noon they both showed up. I ended up getting home after 10 p.m. as they admitted him to the hospital and I again went to visit today leaving work early to accommodate him and not overly impact Tess, who I've spent too little time with as it is. Anyhow my sibling, who has mental health problems, was there and planning to stay the whole day...a glutton for punishment not to mention how it'll impact them mentally...my father can be mentally and emotionally abusive (surprised?).

While at the hospital I received a call from D's case worker who proceeded to tell me that the program D is in will require D to participate in individual therapy in order to participate in their work program because of the fact that it was so stressful for D last time. I politely (or at least as politely as possible) explained that I felt this was punitive, that it's always the person with mental health issues that has consequences for sub-par staff (yes I said this), and asked if the staff received consequences? She said she was going to be moved to a different position upon her return from maternity leave.....I say to her, "a promotion I bet" she said nothing....So fucking sick of this. Really am. I wish D didn't want to work and my sibs hadn't told D that in order to have a relationship D needed to have a job...Yes, they said this; healthy all around my family. There's a part of me that wants to walk away from all this shit...just leave them holding the bag. When I brought it up with my younger sib who overheard the conversation sib asks, what ever happened to your search for a therapist? This because the topic so stresses me out...Fuck you I want to say to this sib who has run away from any problem D has had, who has to pop a million pills a day to cope with life and still will disappear when the going gets rough...I may not be the most tactful, the most together, the most finessed, or stress free person, but I show up, I deal. I might break down but I step up when the shit hits the fan.  I want to tell them fuck you.

But instead I tell them I deal with my idiosyncrasies...and most shrinks are too crazy any ol' way which I believe is the truth.....I don't tell them about the shrink I started seeing as really it's none of their business.

I'm tired...I'm real tired. Tired of all the shit. If it all stopped tomorrow, it wouldn't be too soon. Just done.

Enough for now and for tomorrow too..

This morning I looked up directions to he clinic in NY. According to mapquest, it'll take me about 49 minutes to get there from Kay's house. When I look at this clinic or look up any of the information for that matter, I get an instant headache, and instant feeling of anxiety, a shaking throughout my body...just an overall feeling of dread at starting this process again. Of being introduced to new doctors that may or may not be assholes. Of working with a new clinic that may or may not want to or be able to help me. Of just facing the music of infertility and fertility treatments again...the hustle of it all, the 'your life is going at a thousand miles an hour yet standing still' of it all. The headache encompasses my throat if that's at all possible...just a totally emotionally and physical response to the thought of going there...but I'm going. I'm going and I'm probably willing to go for broke...literally. Just wish the internal shaking would stop. I gotta build up my courage...just build up that shit that propels you to move obstacles...the thing that came so much easier to me before "the incident" at work...the shit that shook me up so much I've never been the same but I have to move past that and find the old Gem. The I can kick anybody's ass including my own, Gem. It's how I got through everything, through childhood, through school, through cancer, through that and all of the rest though I haven't been able to call it up in a long time. I have to move forward regardless of this shaking fear that brings me to tears and the feeling of being weak..weaker than I used to be though stronger than I was. Shit, that doesn't really make any sense except to me really. Okay, enough of the babble. I'm shutting down the rest of the thoughts for today as I got the directions in front of me, sent the letter to the old clinic for my records, and took inventory of the meds left in my fridge (5 boxes of menopur and 3 boxes of follistim)..not as much as I thought but still enough to help someone else.

Nowhere to run

You ever have that feeling you wanted to just run out of your skin? Like it was just to tight and uncomfortable and you didn't know what to do with yourself? I had a cigarette...well, half a cig...and am on my second glass of wine...had 4, count them, 4, oreos....a Weight watchers ice cream bar and a lean cuisine...still in my skin, can't run from myself it seems. Even this, this outlet seems like it's not helping.

I went to an OA thing this morning and struggled to haul my ass out of bed at 8 a.m. on a Sunday. Usually, it wouldn't be such a biggie for me but I was tired from yesterday and just tired..I've been exhausted to the point of immobility. So I went and it ran from 9:30 until 1 but I stayed until 12...only because I became very uncomfortable. There was a speaker there who went contrary to what I know of OA saying that you really don't need a sponsor (not that I have one) and that you really don't need a food plan. That as long as you have a solid relationship with good normal eating will come and blah blah blah blah blah....listen, if I wanted religion I would have gone to church. I wasn't the only one having a hard time following this type of shit and get this...chick was heavy... Listen, at this point in my life, where I am today, I don't want to hear crazy talk. You're crazy, think you have magic powers...tell it to your shrink...I need to hang out with a crazy person like I need to gain 10 pounds...I'm already feeling nuts thank you...just leave me the fuck alone.  A guy there said what I felt and said... I don't come here for spirituality, I come here to lose weight and get healthy. What surprised me is the lady in front of me and the chick next to me both thought the chick had discovered the wheel...that is until everyone got a little crazy on the chick. Needless to say I hightailed it out of there but in retro I wish I had stayed. Why? Because the whole thing left a bad taste about OA in my mouth..no pun...and I wish I'd stayed long enough to have a different perspective. Oh well...that's my MO it seems...when the going gets uncomfortable, the uncomfortable get going.

Anyhow, that was it for the weekend. I am exhausted, still feel like shit, and on top of that misplaced my phone. I don't care though. Right now I feel like I don't care about anything. I just want to hide and sleep and cry and if it wasn't for Tess, and for D and for that little voice in my head propelling me forward, warning me that I can't let myself fall too deep into this funk, I'd give in to my urge and just sleep. Sleep, smoke, drink, and eat...that's what I'd like to do. But alas, tomorrow is a work day. Kay won't be in but that's okay as she's in a funk for no reason that I could see, and no reason she can see according to her but it's hard to be in a funk with someone else who is but can't locate why when I know exactly why I am and yet they keep comparing their situation to yours...

Enough. Letting the wine do too much talking. That's it for now. Looking forward to Wednesday (shrink) and really, I think I'm giving it too much weight really as she has no magic wand but I do hope she can help me. Just help me get my wits about me, get my bearings, and get my momentum to propel forward and stop crying.

Sitting in my shit and I really don't effin care

I finally spoke to one of the embryo clinics today. I've been so out of it I just thought the girl was gonna be a total asshole but it turns out she was very helpful. Turns out it'll be about $30,000 using them. Her suggestion was that I might want to change to a larger fertility clinic where they would have a larger selection of in house donors. She even went as far as to look some up, give me their stats, and the telephone numbers. I don't know how I'm going to pull this off emotionally..I really don't. I feel like I'm falling to pieces really. I made an appointment with a shrink for next week. She seems decent when I googled her. Time will tell. I have to give her a chance as my m.o. is usually to just run at the first sign of weakness but the truth is I need help to get through this. I've never felt this alone in my life and so discouraged really. I can't believe still that this is almost over for me. It's too painful to even believe but there it is. Just going through the motions of life right now doing my damnedest not to smoke too much and get back on that stuff which probably contributed to my current situation...who knows really. I'm just so sad about all of this and even that sounds like it's not enough to describe exactly what it is I feel. If I had money, real money, perhaps I wouldn't feel that this is all so final. I don't know. I really don't. Who the fuck knows.

She suggested I try 3 places...NYU fertility, RMA of NY, and Cornell fertility. I get a feeling this is going to be big bucks. I can't help but think things would be so much easier if I wasn't alone and I know why I think this,...because it's the truth really. Just someone who was fighting the fight with me, who I could bounce shit off of without feeling I was burdening them with my misery. I called Diana today and of course was so upset I could barely speak and she was nothing but supportive but I have the feeling that she and Kay are tired of hearing me cry hysterically or maybe this is just my mind playing tricks on me as they both insist they want to hear it.

So this is what is coursing through my mind....fist and foremost...I feel like the game is over...and though I fight this thought, it creeps in over and over. Then I think..I want to change clinics and this I've pretty much determined to be a bit more concrete. I also think perhaps I should do another round of IVF somewhere else...crazy right? I go back and forth. The truth of the matter is I need to consult with a doctor. I'm also thinking I should call my acacupuncturist who went through all this shit and ask her who she used. I'm grasping at straws but this is where my mind is going...Not sure if I can do this. I'm just not sure. I can't stop crying...it's effecting my work. I left early today again and spent the morning and yesterday morning with my door closed. I think my staff are afraid to approach me as I can't stop crying. I'm hoping this chick next week, the shrink, can help me. I just need to sort through all of the muck in my head, re-energize and haul ass. Think things through and get my bearings. I'm sad. Sad like fucked up kind of sad...can't move kind of sad, can't breathe, can't bear to fucking breathe...that kind of sad.

Anyhow, I just have to pull myself out of this funk but I'm also going to try and cut myself a little slack here. I have to mourn this as it really is a death and I've said it before...it's the death of a dream...the dreams we have as children, as young women and as grown women. It hurts. It makes me feel like just giving up on life..it hurts that bad and if it wasnt' for Tess and "D" I probably would just say fuck it all. But I know from past experience that things always get better or so it seems and so I have to hang on to that and think that someday this will just be a memory and really....how much time do I have anyway? Maybe 30 years if I'm lucky? It flies I'll tell you that.

Diana made the comment today that she can't believe how fucked up the cards I've been dealt have been and though I want to believe that this is true, want to indulge myself in my self pity a bit, sit in my shit as they say, I realize this isn't wholly true. I know too well that my cards were pretty good. Listen, I'm aware of my bad cards...they ain't good: cancer, molestation, obesity, issues with D, and belive me..the issues with "D", I lived through it by the skin of my teeth and you wouldn't even begin to believe it, an ass kicker, and there's some shit that's just ridiculously ridiculous. And I've never had real love in my life..painful but there it is.  But...and this is a bit ass but..no pun..I had a great education, have never wanted financially (not rich but have always had adequate food shelter, etc..), have been super successful in my own career, more brains than I've needed, and have always felt an angel sitting on my shoulder..always....even my siblings say that I have a gift..and I feel this, I feel this presence of some type of blessing. But it's been an ass kicker, this life,  nonetheless. I always say that where my life has failed was in the personal department. I have tons of friends..I do and I know how fortunate this is...but I have had no love of my life, no babies, no family of my own really aside from the one I grew up in. This shit leaves a woman feeling like she's not a woman I can tell you that. I wonder sometimes what was my purpose. For "D"? I fight like a mother for "D"...one of my sibling says she loves to hear my rants when I get my craw up for "D" but they don't get what it takes from me...it hurts me to have to act like that...like a bear..fighting..it hurts me..but I do it. I wonder is this why I'm here? For "D"? I've been doing the "D" thing since "D"s birth. Fine. Fine. But I want a family of my own and this can't be all there is for me...these fucking walls in this fucked up job with fucked up people and i'm grateful...I am but this.... It hurts me. That's all I can really say.

whacked out on the weekend as usual

I don't know what it is about the weekends that drives me crazy but it happens each and every time. I think it's a combination of having too much time to think about my own shit and too much time spent with the crazy familia. Today was fine though I woke up at the crack of ass. I really don't understand how people sleep in every weekend though I envy them as it must feel blissful. It just never happens for me...well...once a few weeks back I slept until 11 but not straight sleep of course but it was still good. Other than that it's crack of ass every day. Anyhow, it went fine until around noon when my sibling, who was going to come use the pool in my complex was texting, texting , and texting me. Fine. They says they're bringing my mother with them. Fine. They say that most likely the mother would be in and out of my house a trillion times for the bathroom...ummm..yeah, No. There's a bathroom in the clubhouse I say. They call me a few minutes later angry saying listen, there's no bathroom in the clubhouse, they're standing right there and there's nothing. Now I'm fucking pissed because this immediately upsets me...their tone I mean. So I say, "of course there's a fucking bathroom as I've been in it so don't tell me there isn't one". Why are you cursing at me they say? "Because you have an attitude and I don't need my whole fucking day ruined with it just because you decide to bring mom. Look to the right, there's a staircase going down, exactly where I told you it was and there's the bathroom". Oh, okay. I see it. Now this is typical of this sibling. Any little hiccup and they cop an attitude and the whole world has to be miserable with them. This is the same sibling who can't stand my mother, can't stand to be with her for a minute so gives her an attitude and everybody else falls in line. It's a weird phenomena that happens whenver this sib is around..they can be poison and you have to limit your time with them and beware of how they may influence you. Anyhow, I had offered all of the sibs to use the pool though I realize this too often comes with a price.  Not so much my younger sib but the older one is trouble. The younger one makes themselves scarce...can't really say I blame them... It ruined my afternoon.

I've been funking all weekend over the baby thing. Whenever it feels like I have it under some semblance of control, some small thing upset the apple cart. The whole egg donor thing did it for me. I've been sad about it and anxious about it. I have a feeling it's going to just be a huge financial disaster for me that will yield me nothing, and I'm not much of a gambler..but alas, I have no choice really. I would kick myself if I didn't try it. If there's anything to freeze..I'll have to see how I feel but for now I'm leaning that the frozens will have to be for Z to try out in her uterus for size..that is if there are any. That's the plan today anyway. When the time comes we'll see where I'm at. If there are none to freeze, I'll save my money and pay down my debt as quickly as I can and start again. Shit.

Anyhow, it's killing me this baby thing. It was interesting that when I went to the doctor this pay week she asked me if perhaps the pain was psychosomatic; that perhaps it was a result of trying so hard for a baby. I considered this for a second but no, the pain isn't psychsomatic...it's real unfortunately..she determined what it was at the end but it was an interesting thought nonetheless; that all this pain was a result of infertility. Now the pain in my heart...the crazies running through my head..those, yes, are a result of no babies.

I wrote this in two part by the way and earlier when I'd started I felt like shit...just a bit obsessive and heartsore but I feel a little better after having a nice conversation with my mother... A nice conversation with my mother is always an accomplishment; always a blessing of sorts as they're so rare. But it happened and I needed it and I'm grateful. We talked about nothing really. The gossip about town. Gossip about the family on my father's side, gossip about whoever the fuck she'd talk about. Safe topics that didn't hurt and I left feeling like I got away before I hurt her feelings and before she hurt mine. It was good.

And now the week begins and we'll see what it brings. Oh, I got nothing in the mail from the doctor though I'd anticipated that it would have arrived by Saturday. I was disappointed and relieved all at once. It should be here tomorrow and we'll see exactly what it brings..

Gifts

As much as I bitch I know in truth I've led a very blessed life both with my family and my friends. I have always felt I've had a little guardian Angel sitting on my shoulder though at times, when things get hard, my vision gets hazy and I forget to see my gifts. I had a friend offer me her eggs today. That's one offer of a uterus and one offer of eggs. Is that something or what? People are amazing. Sadly I had to decline and believe me I was tempted...the person was of my same coloring, with freckles, with a similar college major and a similar line of work as I do...and in their early 30's and though the age was only part of the problem, the other thing was, the thing I didn't tell her as I didn't want to hurt her, is that she's had to many miscarriages and I only have this one time...this one time to try...still I'm tempted. And if I get the chance to speak to my doctor, I'll broach the subject with her.

Today at work, I had 3 children in my office ages 4, 5, and 10...sisters...and boy were they adorable...they were with me for a few hours and though I couldn't really work with them in the room with me, I enjoyed their company and my heart ached a little and felt happy too. I found myself thinking about them throughout the day...what they'd be like when they got older. I had put the radio on and the oldest and youngest danced...they were great dancers and I asked the oldest if she was in some type of class...nope...amazing. Anyhow, that was my little joy today. I tried to imagine what it would be like if these were my 3 kids and I had to care for them permanently...could I do it? Yes, I could. Weird as when I watch Diana's kids I don't have this type of connection..but I always hoped for little girls..a .little boy would be wonderful too but I would love one of each (who wouldn't really and how greedy of me) but there it is. So far I have bupkis so who am I to pick what I'd like coming my way..what I'd like is healthy...just give me at least one God and make him healthy.

On the food front, this week I'm not doing so hot. I haven't journaled as accurately as I should have and I've been eating not great food...not crazy bad but not awesomely great. I went to OA on Tuesday and there was a new Canadian...she was Hasidic and beautiful and had maintained a 6 year abstinence, 100 lb. weight loss..unreal. I cried the whole meeting ending with uncontrollable crying..she probably thought I was nuts. I was just feeling overly emotional, and one of the other Canadians, Chaya, consoled and spoke to me for almost an hour afterwards..told me I should consider asking Rachel (that's the new Canadians name) to sponsor me.  I want to ask her to sponsor me but I'm scared. I want to try and hit one of the other meetings she goes to and see if she'd be a good fit but really, that's just me procrastinating and not wanting to do what I have to do. The truth is, I don't want to follow the OA diet. It's super duper strict...and I mean strict...it's basically 1 protein, 1 Fruit, 1 veg, 1 dairy for breakfast, same for lunch, sort of the same for dinner, no caffeine, no sugar, no artificial sweetener, no flour, no wheat. I did it once for 3 days..that's as far as I got. The artificial sweetener shit is the killer. I couldn't even have a yogurt...it had to be plain with some fruit and if you've ever eaten plain yogurt it's sour as all shit...gross. Oatmeal with no sweetener...I managed to get it down by slicing some apple into it and sprinkling it with cinnamon...in short, it's not easy. How people do this for years on end is unbelievable to me. I want someone who'll sponsor me on the WW diet...which is possible..we'll see. Procrastination...is the thief of time...story of my life. Anyhow, this lady Rachel, was an inspiration to me as she is where I want to be...100 lbs down and 6 years clean..amazing.

Aside from that, Allison from the clinic got back to me yesterday as I hadn't heard anything and I believe I mentioned when I called the clinic 2 days ago the receptionist was kind of short with me which hurt my feelings. Anyhow, Allison was cool. She explained this process of finding someone can take up to 6 months or more but they're actively looking...okay, as long as they didn't forget about me. So that's where I'm at.

Yesterday, I found out the guy that I'd been crushing on is married with kids. Figures. It didn't hurt really was just disappointing as I'd had a nice little chat with him earlier in the day, and I liked his style though I also found out he's a little wild..I'm a loser picker..did I mention that..I pick losers, they either drink too much, have some type of personality disorder, or are wack-a-doos...Anyway... I'm sorry but there should be a rule that if you're married, you have to wear a ring and if you're in a committed relationship, you should have a big scarlet letter posted to your forehead...I think a lot of people would be happy with this. I don't understand, and maybe it's because I'm not/have never been married..why you would allow your spouse to go out ringless and let me tell you...a lot of people who use the excuse that it interferes with their job (police, plumbers, et cetera) are just full of shit...it doesn't. I've shot a gun with all my rings no problem and fixed shit around the house no problem...just saying. It should be a law...that way there's no confusion.

I'm feeling good today as opposed to the rest of earlier this week where I couldn't stop crying and snivelling but the truth of the matter is, this is a painful time in my life...one of many painful times in my life. Chaya at the Canadians suggested perhaps I need to speak to a professional and perhaps I do..what the frick do I know...but I often feel that sometimes you just feel what you feel and why is it when you feel sad everyone thinks  you need to speak to someone? People feel emotions and half of what is wrong with life is that feeling them, and expressing them is unacceptable. Well, I feel them and at this point in my life, and for the first time in a long time, I don't feel I need a shrink. I think about it often; how I haven't been to see someone in a long time but for once I feel like I'm dealing. It may not be pretty the way I'm dealing, but I am. I am feeling what I feel and accepting it...the good the bad and the ugly. Life has not been easy for me though I know it's been substantially generous in many respects...not maybe in my personal life, no, not in my personal life, because to say that would be to lie to myself, but in other respects, in terms of friendships. work, and financials, it's been better than a lot of people have and I've been blessed...so for today, I'm keeping that in the forefront. Tomorrow is another story..