Yes, it's more of the same

I'm probably just annoying the fuck out of myself more than anybody else but whatever. I got my medical records today from my RE's clinic. The last note said, "patient upset that more information not provided regarding donor ocyte. Pt frustrated and will call back"...I wasn't frustrated really. What I was, was hysterically crying at the unfairness of it all. But the point is, the papers, like anything else related to resuming trying, made me feel bad for lack of a more sophisticated way of describing it. My gut tells me there'll be no babies for me. I hope I'm wrong but I don't think so. The thought of that is too painful so I won't think too much on it. The other thing I thought as I read the papers was that I should have gone somewhere else....somewhere with better stats, some place fancier. Coulda Shoulda whateverthefuck...I didn't and there's nothing I can do as the time went by and the money flew away and there's nothing I can do about it.

I was talking to the girl who replaced Lexi today....she's a bit odd in a detached sort of way but nice enough and I recently found out she's older (30) than I thought. The topic of men and babies came about and she said she was single though she wanted a family and worried her time was running out. I told her hurry up. Hurry up and put yourself out there as it goes by quick and yes, you can definitely get left behind. I suggested eharmony. It was a good conversation...the kind every girl who is 30 and thinks they still have plenty of time needs to hear...you don't have any time and hustle if you want it... What I really wanted to ask her but would never in a million years and this of course is my crazy little fantasy, is, would you ever give someone an egg. The thing is she's partly what I am, she's got mad ass curly hair like me, and she is bright with my skin coloring. I would never ask her but I can secretly dream I suppose.

Anyhow, this whole topic is giving me a fucking headache.... Living in a world where you fantasize about somebody else's eggs ain't easy...sheesh..