I got a phone call yesterday when I was just about ready to leave for work from my younger sib saying that my father had fallen, could not get up and was taken by ambulance to the hospital and wouldn't I be good enough to meet him there as I was the closest and they lived too far? I proceeded to curse said sibling out (because I believe I mentioned I have some issues) and said that of course!! as it's always me!! and off I went to the hospital, calling out for the day. My father and I are not tight and I believe I mentioned we spent about 13 years not speaking, yup, count them, 13 years. Why you ask? As a child whenever my father was upset with one of us he would stop speaking to us...not for an hour, a few hours, a day, or even a few days...it would last for weeks, sometimes months, and I remember for one of my sibs for over a year. We used to have to beg him day after day to speak to us until he decided it was enough and then whenever he felt like it he'd speak. So sometime in my 20's when he stopped speaking to me (I was in the middle of working on my bachelors..hence the student loan as the check left with the speaking) I'd had enough and I told him, "you're not speaking to me? Well I'm not speaking to you either" and it was ON! He ignored me and I did the same...lasted 13 years until he called me at work sometime last year or thereabouts. Anyhow off I went to the hospital yesterday...resentful as all hell. My older sib called and said they would come and I told them forget it....at around noon they both showed up. I ended up getting home after 10 p.m. as they admitted him to the hospital and I again went to visit today leaving work early to accommodate him and not overly impact Tess, who I've spent too little time with as it is. Anyhow my sibling, who has mental health problems, was there and planning to stay the whole day...a glutton for punishment not to mention how it'll impact them mentally...my father can be mentally and emotionally abusive (surprised?).
While at the hospital I received a call from D's case worker who proceeded to tell me that the program D is in will require D to participate in individual therapy in order to participate in their work program because of the fact that it was so stressful for D last time. I politely (or at least as politely as possible) explained that I felt this was punitive, that it's always the person with mental health issues that has consequences for sub-par staff (yes I said this), and asked if the staff received consequences? She said she was going to be moved to a different position upon her return from maternity leave.....I say to her, "a promotion I bet" she said nothing....So fucking sick of this. Really am. I wish D didn't want to work and my sibs hadn't told D that in order to have a relationship D needed to have a job...Yes, they said this; healthy all around my family. There's a part of me that wants to walk away from all this shit...just leave them holding the bag. When I brought it up with my younger sib who overheard the conversation sib asks, what ever happened to your search for a therapist? This because the topic so stresses me out...Fuck you I want to say to this sib who has run away from any problem D has had, who has to pop a million pills a day to cope with life and still will disappear when the going gets rough...I may not be the most tactful, the most together, the most finessed, or stress free person, but I show up, I deal. I might break down but I step up when the shit hits the fan. I want to tell them fuck you.
But instead I tell them I deal with my idiosyncrasies...and most shrinks are too crazy any ol' way which I believe is the truth.....I don't tell them about the shrink I started seeing as really it's none of their business.
I'm tired...I'm real tired. Tired of all the shit. If it all stopped tomorrow, it wouldn't be too soon. Just done.
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