You ever have that feeling you wanted to just run out of your skin? Like it was just to tight and uncomfortable and you didn't know what to do with yourself? I had a cigarette...well, half a cig...and am on my second glass of wine...had 4, count them, 4, oreos....a Weight watchers ice cream bar and a lean cuisine...still in my skin, can't run from myself it seems. Even this, this outlet seems like it's not helping.
I went to an OA thing this morning and struggled to haul my ass out of bed at 8 a.m. on a Sunday. Usually, it wouldn't be such a biggie for me but I was tired from yesterday and just tired..I've been exhausted to the point of immobility. So I went and it ran from 9:30 until 1 but I stayed until 12...only because I became very uncomfortable. There was a speaker there who went contrary to what I know of OA saying that you really don't need a sponsor (not that I have one) and that you really don't need a food plan. That as long as you have a solid relationship with good normal eating will come and blah blah blah blah blah....listen, if I wanted religion I would have gone to church. I wasn't the only one having a hard time following this type of shit and get this...chick was heavy... Listen, at this point in my life, where I am today, I don't want to hear crazy talk. You're crazy, think you have magic powers...tell it to your shrink...I need to hang out with a crazy person like I need to gain 10 pounds...I'm already feeling nuts thank you...just leave me the fuck alone. A guy there said what I felt and said... I don't come here for spirituality, I come here to lose weight and get healthy. What surprised me is the lady in front of me and the chick next to me both thought the chick had discovered the wheel...that is until everyone got a little crazy on the chick. Needless to say I hightailed it out of there but in retro I wish I had stayed. Why? Because the whole thing left a bad taste about OA in my mouth..no pun...and I wish I'd stayed long enough to have a different perspective. Oh well...that's my MO it seems...when the going gets uncomfortable, the uncomfortable get going.
Anyhow, that was it for the weekend. I am exhausted, still feel like shit, and on top of that misplaced my phone. I don't care though. Right now I feel like I don't care about anything. I just want to hide and sleep and cry and if it wasn't for Tess, and for D and for that little voice in my head propelling me forward, warning me that I can't let myself fall too deep into this funk, I'd give in to my urge and just sleep. Sleep, smoke, drink, and eat...that's what I'd like to do. But alas, tomorrow is a work day. Kay won't be in but that's okay as she's in a funk for no reason that I could see, and no reason she can see according to her but it's hard to be in a funk with someone else who is but can't locate why when I know exactly why I am and yet they keep comparing their situation to yours...
Enough. Letting the wine do too much talking. That's it for now. Looking forward to Wednesday (shrink) and really, I think I'm giving it too much weight really as she has no magic wand but I do hope she can help me. Just help me get my wits about me, get my bearings, and get my momentum to propel forward and stop crying.
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