Catching up

I've been hanging on in therapy. I was going to quit..as usual..but we've begun delving into some shit from the past and I think it's something I've needed to do for some time. We've talked about the abusive shit with my parents, which I frankly never considered that horrific, but when you verbalize crap it really wakes you up and makes you realize how crazy it really was. The therapist was shocked which frankly shocked me but there it is. She said something that was interesting to me as my mother, who spent countless years in therapy herself, always mentioned her therapist saying; I'm shocked you turned out so well. Sends chills down my spine that my therapist uttered these exact words. Anyhow, the past is the past and childhood for most people is traumatic, at least in my opinion. So I'm hanging in hoping to exorcise some of these demons from my soul.

I'm more settled with the aspect of taking care of my part of my father's business and though it's exhausting, I also find it somewhat fun. It's dealing with people, buying shit, negotiating..exhausting but it's good and I like the fact that I'm learning as I go along. I find though that the more settled with it that I become the more my thoughts return to the baby making thing. My therapist in a round about way pointed out that my chances of having a baby are not good and normally, I would make some witty sarcastic remark such as "Harvard, right"? but really, it's painful. I haven't given up hope but it's less and less as time goes by and it's this sick sinking feeling in my stomach...not good.

So this is the plan: Go to the appointment in December and see what the doctor at the new place says. If she takes me, I'll just go with what she says, asking first if IUI is even worth considering going back to and if not do the donor egg. If the chick who offered me the eggs has any left, I'll try those too. If whatever I do doesn't work, then I take a year off, get lap band and try to pay off as much of my egg donor shit as possible, lose as much as possible and get back on that horse next year. That's the plan for now. I'm not even ready for that plan but it is what it is. How I'll manage driving into the city for treatment if they accept me is beyond me but I've got a good amount of sick time and vacation time, about 4 months worth (yes hoarding time for my imaginary maternity leave) and we'll take it from there.

I just have to add that I'm sick of seeing baby shit, maternity shit, pregnancy shit, parenting shit, hearing people talk about their friggin kids...sick of it. It's like a knife to the chest each time or more like the eyeball or maybe it's a combo as it just makes me feel like howling at the moon and crying my eyes out and that's as good as a description of the feeling as I can get.

Catching up

My father is home with round the clock care and the compulsion to go there every day left me as soon as he was home. I'm glad. It was weird and in the time I spent with him after so many years of a distant relationship I learned several things: people love him. I mean people LOVVVVVVVE him. I should be so lucky in my life to have 1/10th of the people who love him love me. He's loved and has helped a ton of people...a legend in his community...impressive really. I also learned that he is all too human and I guess as his adult child that is something I didn't want to know. The truth is that obviously I knew he wasn't perfect...I mean I no longer have the father/daughter relationship and haven't for about 20 years now which is fine. But I learned more than I could deal with and it made me feel that I didn't want to hang with him any more.

I'm going to put this out there because well, it's the truth, this is anonymous, if anyone does find out my true identity they were just nosey assholes, and last but most importantly, the reason I started this blog, aside from putting down my journey was to be a healthier person...so here goes nothing..

When I started therapy with this new chick, the reason she got my attention was she made one observation; she basically said the reason I'm single is related to my relationship with my father. Am I comfortable with this thought? No. Is it probably true? Yes. My father was not a horrible person. He really wasn't. But he was definitely emotionally abusive in a household that needed no other type of abuse. We all went through a lot emotionally with him or, wait, I'll keep it in the "I" and say I feel like I went through a lot emotionally with him. Between the period of time where he refused to speak to us, his flip flopping on decisions and taking things promised away from us, and his affairs, it was ridiculously unbearable at times. Compared to my mother's emotional rollercoastering he was the more stable, believe it or not. There's more but I won't bore you with the woe is me tails. He did the best that he knew how or maybe he did what he though...the bottom line is it's over. My idea of men if it came from him was not good and spending all this time with him I found out a secret. He has a sexually transmitted disease. There. I said it. It disgusts me. The minute I found out it was like I was moving backwards at the speed of light away from him...the straw that broke the camels back. Too human, too gross, too not what a daughter wants to know about a father. My sibs seem fine with it or at least they don't say anything. Me, I'm like get the fuck out of here. I visited him this past weekend but I'm pretty much done working on the relationship trying to make it something it's not. I feel like this is as close as I want to be with him and it actually made me feel closer to my crazy ass mother. Made me feel bad for her. This was the love of her life. It brought back memories for me of his affairs and our semi-awareness...the way things only partially register in your brain as a child when you're lost in your own teeny tiny school world. I remember being at my parent's business and the phone ringing incessantly and the hang ups and how this went on for years. How he was having an affair with a woman who rented from us..all the shit that you really don't register until you're older and are triggered by something else. It was a crazy life when we were little...scary a little too. There was good and bad like everybody else but there are still a lot of scars from childhood that I know my siblings share. I guess most people have their lumps that never heal. It is what it is. It affected me and though I don't credit it for my immense fear of men (oh yes my friend and you thought you knew me) it definitely added to it...that and some other unfortunate experiences...

So there it is...another secret... another piece of my mind out there. Feels better out than in.  I can't always own all this shit by myself and I have to put it out there...just release some of the pressure from my brain. I haven't been able to tell anyone about my father's secret as it's too gross and blech!! Haven't been able to tell Kay or Diana or Z though I think I would feel comfortable telling both Diana and Z when I see them maybe. It feels good to just put it out there and hey, I know people have bigger and badder shit about their parents but to me it just was too much I suppose. 

On the baby front it's getting closer to the doctor's appointment and I worry that they won't accept me as a client because of my weight...Who knows. I guess time will tell. I have this adrenaline just course through me when I think of it; a nervous energy, anxiety maybe? Not sure. All I know is that it's uncomfortable and I hate it. I hate that this is so hard for me, that it's been so hard and though I realize I'm not the only one, it feels like it. It feels like I'm alone. It feels like I'm alone with this desperation in my heart. This feeling that this chapter in my life is closing all too quickly with no baby in sight.

Where do you go from here?

Just finished dropping off "D" at my mom's. I felt bad as usually "D" and I do a lot of joking and goofing around and really, I feel at the brink of an emotional crumble. This has been by far the hardest time finding out I'm not pregnant..I was so close I can't believe I'm not but there it is. So I dropped "D" off after a somewhat mediocre stay which almost got worse when I felt myself unraveling with "D" and that I just didn't have the patience to deal today so I'm glad it ended before I lost it or was mean or both. I'm at a loss as to what to do if this doesn't work out..where do I go from here? What is it that I want to do with my life if there is no child in it and yes, I can focus on myself and perhaps meeting someone but that's just not who I am. That is just not enough for me..a man is not enough to fill that void.

I have been having this issue that has been bouncing all over the place triggered by a case at work..about molestation..my skewed perspective on abuse and what is normal and the realization that after a million years in therapy I only briefly touched upon what happened to me once, with one therapist, who I dropped of course. I'll just say what happened here like taking a big bad dose of medicine,..as quickly as possible. I was molested twice in my life or I should say by two different people...one a person just a few years older than me..maybe 5-6 years and one by an older man. One involved touching, kissing, groping all over and the other just attempts and one pushing of a penis against my ass while I was dressed..that's it. These things have recently been haunting me..don't know why as I mostly thought they were non issues...distant memories from my childhood which I assumed everyone experienced at one time or another or something similar..they've just beeen eating me up lately and I just don't know what to do with these thoughts. For whatever reason not being pregnant has made them worse. You see all my life I thought of myself as a non-woman, not attractive enough for a man and though I've been hit on by women, and have toyed with the idea or possibility of being gay, that's not who I am. I am not attracted to women but am scared shitless of men. I told you, I think, about the cop that I met recently who was so nice, and as usual, I ran..been doing that my whole life..ashamed of myself, my body just everything..just always feeling I'm not enough...not good enough. When my doctor told me to go ahead and try to have a baby I couldn't believe it. As weird as it sounds it was confirmation that I am indeed a woman and that someone else could see that too, not just someone to be dismissed. I envy people who just know that about themselves and I don't know where this went wrong in my life but I've always felt different, unattractive, gross, not a real woman though I know intellectually that these are not all true. When I was down to my lowest weight I was hit on and flirted with constantly..I couldn't take this, just couldn't emotionally take it..wanted to hide from the world and in essence, I did just that, gained weight and covered myself. I can't deal with my body. Going to the doctor this time, she's so not judgmental and it so surprised me for her to act like I was normal..it's been a weird experience..... nonsexual which made it easier for me to wrap my head around the concept that I am a woman after all..I don't know. I know this probably all sounds crazy but it's what is deep inside me and the secrets that I've struggled with. They say people have secret lives that they live and I guess this is mine, the shit that runs through my head. I guess it's good that I get it out and find out certain shit about myself, the ways in which my perception is fucked up, before I bring a kid into this world. Also, this whole non-support form my family thing is triggering shit for me. Feelings of being alone as a child, misunderstood, criticized for aspects of the molestation shit which don't really matter to explain it all out. Feelings of non-support during my cancer treatment. Just feeling that my family has never given me what I needed emotionally. I think at times there is something wrong with my family but at other times I think it's me there's something wrong with..the reality of it is I think it's a little of both. I realize at this late point in my life that my family can't give me the things that I need emotionally and really that's not their fault..that just is the reality of what they are. In turn I am not what they want me to be or react how they want me to act. My sister said last night that she can't believe what they (my parents) let me get away with. I think that I've always had an unrealist expectation of them and maybe they see that; maybe they see that I need something that they can't give but it doesn't mean they don't want to. We all have limitations after all.

I have a meeting at 10 a.m. tomorrow with several heads of several agencies..big wigs and I don't feel that I can pull it off but I have to go. I'm hoping they do most of the talking and I can just nod along..I don't want to go to work. I want to stay home and just cry and drink, and smoke and just carry on with my life by myself...with nobody but me and Tess and even Tess I wish wasn't with me as this can't be fun for her..thank God she's low energy and spends so much time sleeping..I just want to stop the world for a minute so I can catch my breath, or sleep for a year, or hibernate and decompensate for a bit, but I can't..mortgage, student loans, bills..shit. How did I get here? How did I get to such a complicated life, with a too complicated job, that I hate so fucking much? Why couldn't I have had something simple? Is there such a thing? I don't know.

The Parents

Tonight I just got into quite an argument with my mother... Upsetting. I don't know at what time in my life, but suspect sometime in my early 20's, I became disillusioned and disappointed by my parents..I guess in just the realization that they will never live up to the expectation I had for them and really, that's not their fault, I mean, who the fuck am I? Maybe everyone at one point has this realization..it's cause a real break in our relationship ever since. Tonight my mother started the topic again regarding what exactly "D's" diagnosis is, wanting to decrease "D's" meds herself as "D" sleeps "too much' even though "D" takes these meds for auditory hallucinations. I don't get her, I really don't. Who does this kind of thing because it's hard for them to get their child up in the morning? Really? Cause it's a pain in the ass for you to get them up, your child should hear terrifying voices? I don't know. So I say, this again? And she starts yelling that she can't talk in her own house, that she has nobody to speak to and she's carrying on, screaming as usual, her usual rant that nobody gives a shit about her. I tell her maybe if you changed the topic..it's the same topic and if it's not that topic, you're asking one of us for something. She says, "you never do any favors for me at all!" Well I had had it. I told her that I didn't have to do any favors for her..that I did more than my share for "D" and practically raised "D" which she disputed..I asked her, "Tell me one school meeting I didn't attend? One program meeting I didn't attend? One doctor that wasn't found if not by me? Any significant part of D's life that I hadn't been involved in?" I was fucking livid. I have lost more sleep over this kid than she would ever know with all the shit throughout "D's" life..the time no doctor would take "D"...nobody wanted to take the case when D required tons of medication but had nobody to prescribe..when we had all the problems in school due to the "incident", when we had all the problems finding a school where "D" could exist and every fucking day after working an overnight shift before going to school full time I'd trek my ass down to the school flip the kid over my shoulder and take the out of control child kicking and screaming home because the school couldn't handle "D"... I sat for 2 weeks straight in "D's" class one year to try and figure out what the fuck was wrong, drove the kid to school for a month back and forth when D was suspended from the bus..yeah, I don't help her...WTF!!!!! And the times she's come through for me...Hmmm.. let's think..the one, count them, one visit she made to the hospital oncology ward when I was in there for over a week...she visited for a whole 5 minutes and had the fucking nerve to tell me she was visiting so and so..the mother fucker who had molested me as a child..knowing full well how I felt about that fucker..can you fucking imagine???? Fucking oblivious...even my father who barely spoke to me throughout most of my adult life wanted to kill the mother fucker but my mother? no, she wants to visit..and tell me about it when I'm trapped in oncology's isolation room...And I forgive my mother a lot...I don't harp or dwell on her hitting us as children..that's not even a blip on my radar of shit but do I remember? Hell yes..crazy ass woman would tear our room up and throw every single possession in the garbage..you think I exaggerate? EVERY single belonging you had would end up in the trash and this happened let's see...hmmm...can't count how many times I came home to a room full of nothing but your bed and furniture..no posters on the wall, no socks, no pants, no nothing..crazy..yeah and all the support she's given me now trying to conceive..can't even bring it up any more as I can't take the fucking hurt. I know my siblings think I'm crazy as they accuse me of trying to have a normal conversation with her..think she's incapable of talking about anything but her..my sibs words not mine..I don't know. I look at all my friends with the normal mothers who are supportive and talk with them and they go shopping sometimes or out to lunch and I think WTF? And let me tell you..there is a part of me that's made my peace with that..I'm not looking for Mrs. Brady here..but once in a while..can she just be a little motherly? Ask, how are you and wait for an answer before she asks you for something?

Sorry, I had to vent that out and I'm fine really. Just trying to clear out my head and talk it out. Sometimes I think I'm mean to her and other times I feel justified but in reality I wish I could ignore her little idiosyncracies and just accept her as she is..I try...I really do. The funny thing is every time I visit her I say a prayer on my way to not upset her or let her upset me..every single time and didn't I forget today because I took a different route and didn't pass the church that usually triggers my prayer? Ugh. If there wasn't a chance I had babies in here today would definitely be a take a puff from my stash of smokes day.

Just waiting

So at around 3 p.m. I called the RE's office as my doctor had said they'd be contacting me with instructions as to when I was doing the implantation, saying most likely Thursday. The nurse told me I'd have to call tomorrow between 8:30 and 9 to see if I was actually going Thursday or Friday. I explained that my shift starts at 8 and this makes it difficult. She explained the embryos may or may not be ready and they'd have to check on them in the morning...Oh. Well that trumps it's going to be difficult for me to leave work, right? I called my friend Ling who had said she could take me tomorrow to explain and she said didn't think it'd be a problem. I was going to ask Kay again but she's been super stressed and high voltage and right now I need peace and serenity. Ling is not the healthiest emotionally but she's someone who usually does well when dealing with sick people so.. and she was more than willing. I helped her with her children when they were little and still they come over for major homework assignments regularly so she is always saying she owes me which so isn't true..though at one time I saved one of her kid's lives..we joke about this. Those were our days of afternoon cocktails every day and working nights..back when neither of us had any and I mean any money. We had lost contact for a while and upon reconnecting she let me know she had developed a drinkig problem. I always look back and think..thank God I walked away when I did with just the smoking habit and the food issue..alcohol on top of it would have sent me over the edge. She struggles with the alcohol at night mostly..mostly wine. If worse comes to worse, I can drive myself but can't take the valium they suggest you take before the procedure..I really want the valium..so unlike me but I've had enough already. If you saw my body, I have bruises all over my arms, my stomach and one so large on my hand from the IV, a coworker actually gasped today when she saw it..yes..it's been semi-torturous so..valium please!

Anyhow so I'm in a sort of limbo waiting to see and the kind of fucked up part of it is that I had changed my entire calendar tomorrow in preparation for the insemination..rearranged a fairly large meeting and here I am waiting..In truth, I really don't give a shit..I hate meetings...I'm sure the guy who had to rearrange all this feels differently. Speaking of meetings, this morning I went to one as a matter of fact..one of those here's breakfast long meetings. I bumped into a police officer..cute!..who struck up a conversation..when I introduced myself he said he knew me already and recalled 'the incident" that had occurred at work with me. He asked me if things had gotten any better and commented that someone should have taken a bat to my coworker..so of course I fell in love and also fell apart..had to walk away and haven't been right all day..it's just too much still..too painful the whole incident. Waiting for the day when it's little more than a memory.. Made me feel good that the cop felt this way though..like there are still men out there willing to put up their dukes for you..you know? I know this is so anti-women's independance and blah blah blah but sometimes..you need a Knight..even if it's just long enough to take a swing or say he'd take a swing..a girl needs a knight. Anyhow, trying to just keep my eye on the prize here, what's really important..my baby.

Jabs to the Gut

I sat in my RE's office this morning at about 7 a.m. watching all the beautiful people and not so beautiful people sit with their significant others. A lesbian couple, a black woman with her red headed white husband (who bTw was cuuuute..I'm not dead), the pretty couple who I thought were already finished with this as it'd been a while since they'd been there, and the hispanic couple with the husband who is quite obviously a controlling dick.. I sat there thinking shit Gem, what the heck are you doing? You're alone..you're doing this alone..how can you possibly pull this off emotionally..the pain of being alone has been magnified for whatever reason after finding out about Asshole and Pface..I've prayed on it and prayed on it, to liberate me from these thoughts and really, I don't even think it's jealousy as the thought of him repulses me now as much as the thought of her..too gross to even consider but not alone..though to me a lonely life any ol' how. I don't know what it is I want or what I'm looking for. Well maybe I do. I explained it pretty well to my friend Kay last night on the phone..I want someone in my life who can make me feel like a woman..just look at me like I'm a woman as at times I feel so discounted in this way. I don't even think marriage is something that I would want..but someone to take me out once in a while, treat me like a lady, and love me the same way once in a while. I don't think I could handle more than this but to find someone I can trust..I don't know..that's the hard part.

I went today to a conference that was talking about trauma, victimization, re-victimization by agencies, et cetera...and the incident from work popped into my head and I got so angry....just so fucking angry that my boss didn't protect me but instead protected herself and that fucking asshole..the fact that they twisted the story in a way that made me look like I was nuts..I take my share of the blame..I do, as I shouldn't have gotten angry..but to be manhandled..too much..I didn't deserve that..traumatized by that still today and that's all I'll say on that though I get flashbacks and I'll share that as well. Reinforced my distrust of men even more..made me weak in a way I didn't even know I was..fucked me up. I hate that fucking bitch and I don't want to feel any different about it..I feel the need to hang on to that in order to protect myself..fucking coward of a woman..coward of a man too..fucking cowards.

Just feeling hurt and vulnerable these days. I picked a new donor though I'm not happy with him. I'll admit to my superficiality as the reason I don't like him is he's not cute enough..he'll take though I have a feeling. Feeling on the edge of wild or edge of something..not insanity but of some deep sadness that's not depression just an exhaustion from all the emotions in my life. It hasn't been easy but it's been easier than a starving man's and many others.

All of these things, are little jabs to my gut and to my heart..trying to break me and I hang on to what's around me..been hanging onto Kay for dear life..Kay who is always my faithful friend..a gift I tell you. A blessing.

Goodbye Sanity

Well, I guess that headline isn't really accurate. It's really goodbye to my therapist. I had my last session on Thursday with her and I feel like I'm free floating out here. I explained to her my feelings like this; I know I don't need a weekly therapy session , but it feels like a good safety net to have one just in case. She reminds me I'm not the person who walked in there early last year, falling apart and I'm stronger than I think. I know I'm not who I was when I walked in there. I was at a point where I would literally and I mean literally, jump when I saw my own shadow..I was that freaked out, and believe me walking out of her building in the early evening there was more than one occasion where I saw my shadow and gasped. Someone would walk behind me and I'd jump. I was scared. But I'm not there anymore. Am I stronger than I think? Well, I think I made that mistake before; overestimating my strength both physically and mentally. I used to think I was a rock, a boulder really and I found out real quick that I'm just an ordinary stone, easily kicked, so I've gained weight, made myself even bigger, put the shield up even higher and still sometimes it seems it's not enough..actually the weight thing is not even what it once was. I used to be heavy and felt shielded now I am acutely aware that I am less nimble and more vulnerable with this weight at this age. I walked into work Friday after Thursday's debacle and Thursday night's goodbye to the shrink lady, shaken and beaten. I literally walked in holding back tears, went straight to my corner office, shut the door and tried to breathe. I sat there thinking about what my therapist (Arlene) said to me. That this was abuse, what the staff did to me, I knew this. I am only too aware of the signs of domestic violence (work experience not personal thank God) and though this isn't d.v. this is definitely abuse..verbal and emotional, though I am at somewhat of a loss as to how to stop it. If I trusted the head honcho, I would talk to her but I can't, I don't trust her at all to help me and I am pretty sure it would backfire on me in some way. Just talking about all of this leaves me with a sick feeling in my gut. The chick who went off on me on Thursday, ignored me on Friday, and I don't know if this is due to her being embarassed by her behavior or feeling anger still. I wish I had recorded her rant as it was so out there. Who the heck tells their boss, "I will reprimand you!" or "I'll do what I want when you're not here"...crazy shit. Shook my ass up and I don't need this stress. This coming month, I'm trying again for a baby and I certainly can't deal with this shit trying for my baby. Gotta find my inner peace.

On that note, I called up the cryobank regading my donor who is all out of juice. They told me he had indeed come in for blood work and new vials would be available this upcoming Friday. This dude sold out in one day last time so I have to hustle. His I.D. number only shows up on one tiny little post on the CCB (calif cryo bank) bulletin board as it seems like only a small handful of people had a chance. He seems too good to be true but I'm going for it. I find it interesting that my sisters haven't asked me for a description of what he looks like. I find it interesting that the topic has become a nontopic..I broke the news and flash! reaction! and then nothing. I can't let this permeate my thoughts though, as I don't want any more negativity than what already exists in my life to interfere with my emotions...not when I need to be at my emotional best. Speaking of, I saw a new therapist on Wednesday, one recommended to me by my therapist. Older woman, lesbian, her and her partner adopted 2 kids from foreign county. She seems okay but a little too..I don't know..loud? She kept saying how good she was at what she does, and listen, I'm only too aware of how often a therapist is in need of therapy so my antenna went straight up. There was one thing she did that gave me a little hope that maybe she is okay...she actually asked for details of what happened to me as a child (I had never shared this before) and when I concluded with all the other stuff in my life she said, "holy shit, really Gem, that too. You've been through hell". Made me feel better as sometimes I think I'm just a wimp maybe or something..a whiner..so when someone acknowledges that it's a lot it makes me feel more sane. I'm seeing a different one this week and am doing this kind of thing..interviewing therapist and dropping the ones I think are too nutsy for me. I'm not saying I'm not gonna see this one again..I'm just seeing what's out there...interviewing, if you will.

So, I move onward into the week. Today, I clean my condo, dye my hair and take a brief ride into the city and then the week from hell begins. I spoke to my Godmother the other day who is a doll and always the giver of sound advice and observations (and extremely religious) who said, Gem, you work in purgatory..give up your sufferings to God in the morning, it'll earn you credits in heaven when you die. If this is purgatory, it must be the basement level cause I swear I can feel the flames of hell at my feet. I'm lucky to be working, blessed to be making what I make, but it's not easy and I guess it's not supposed to be. But still I'm luckier than most. Have to remind myself of that.

P.S. I can't seem to leave a comment for anybody's comments but someone asked if my subordinates were younger...you would think right? No, all older than me. Some old enough to be my mother. One of them, age 60 actually said to me that I am like the old lady who lived in the shoe with too many children and they were all vying for my attention..yes she said it with a straight face.

Crazy food addiction

So I decided to start trying to follow the 90 day OA plan (no flour, no sugar, no artificial sweetener, no whatever the frick) today. I started my day off with a bowl of plain oatmeal flavored with a little cinnamon, a cup of coffee which is not allowed, and minus the fruit as my stomach can't deal with fruit and I had to go to Weight watchers this a.m. So breakfast was fine...ate it and felt fine. I go to WW, lost 3.8 lbs (no celebration as this is the 4 I gained last week with my friggin period), ran to my friend's house who had pregnancy books for me, and ran home starving. I wanted to stop and buy some fish as I thought it'd be nice to have fish, brown rice and some spinach or other veg but of course was too hungry to start shopping so I came home, put a few baby potatoes to nuke, scrambled an egg along with a container of egg white, and sauteed some broccolli with onions and peppers. (I mixed the eggs with the broccolli and put some reduced fat cheese on top). Ate all of that and felt that crazy feeling you get when you need a little sugar or a cracker or piece of bread so had a piece of fruit..still no good. So I'm sitting here with my bottle of seltzer saying "listen you crazy animal..settle down now, settle down".

 If you haven't spent your entire life dieting, researching dieting, learning about compulsive overeating, and why people who are fat stay fat, you're probably thinking, wtf is wrong with this chick? But whether we choose to acknowledge it or not, thinking that the person just has to diet and excercise, is somewhat primitive and ignorant; if you have half a brain cell, you'd have to acknowledge that there is more to the problem than that but my point is not to lecture..my point is: I have a serious problem with food. Now you're probably thinking I'm one of those people that have to be forklifted out of my house...that's not the case at all as I excercise daily and have a regular life, and though I'm overweight it's not stand out overweight...
nonetheless, my addiction to food is very real, very heart breaking, very painful.

How I first made the final decision to start trying to get pregnant was related to my weight. Last month I'm at the doctor's office..my regular G.P. and she is flipping through my chart commenting that I've gained a tremendous amount of weight in the last few years.."How come?" she says. "Cancer and quitting smoking", I say. She nods. I explain how I can't seem to get it off and she says "have you considered...", "Lap band", I say. "Yes" she says. I explain that I am now at a crossroads in my life where though I have considered lap band I would like to have a child though I'm uncertain if perhaps I'm too overweight? "Oh no", she says.."go have your baby. Lap band can wait a few years". and right there I could have cried with joy...I cry as I write this. So here I am ..day one of the OA 90 day, struggling but still trying as I know the lighter I am the better off I am.

I've been going to OA for about maybe 5 months however I only go to one meeting. It's a meeting made up of mostly Orthodox jewish women which is fine with me as I am able to keep my identity on the DL (I know a lot of people and they know me right back and they're the good, the bad, and the ugly). So this meeting with these women, who are too kind to the Puerto Rican girl who shows up each week, give me strength, hope, and the will to keep trying to lose with the help of God and the sisterhood who transcends all Religions, and all cultures.

I mentioned in another post that I had experienced something traumatic. I'm not going to go into detail but suffice is to say it happened at work, it was an incident of bullying and emotional abuse by a male colleague, and depending who you speak to, you may or may not feel I deserved it. Doesn't really matter as I've made my peace with that issue as well. As I had previously described, it left me feeling like a dog that'd been run over on the street and I honestly didn't think I would ever recover. I found a new therapist who has been supportive (of course she is retiring in a month), who suggested OA and though I was resistant, I trust this lady. I met her after my regular therapist who I'd been seeing for years emotionally abandoned me, and I had tried some other chick who insisted on speaking with a baby voice unless I reminded her that I needed her to talk to me regular (you think I'm effing kidding? I'm not.). Picture being at one of your darkest moments and everywhere you turn you encounter what appears to be crazy. You know those horror movies where there's a person who is scared and running and they keep bumping into some distorted clown figure or the like? That's how I felt...everywhere I looked..instability and dysfunction. So when I found this lady, I wanted to go home with her, cling to her, have her protect me from the demons in my head, and at my job, and from my family (yes them too). I felt like an infant who had been battered and left outside to die and I didn't think my psyche would actually make it but we humans are resilient. My therapist says to me all the time that I'm brave...if she had met the me who I used to be she would have thought I was a warrior!..but that person..she was clobbered too many times...by too many things...molestation, parents who couldn't protect her, by a sick sibling, by cancer, by an abusive coworker, an asshole boss, and by life...so now, there's just me..I'm no longer a warrior but I can fake it a little and I have my moments. You fuck with me...you're going down, maybe not physically but verbally...I don't take shit anymore and I don't get upset at people like I used to. It's sort of a zen feeling where I can tell you off, get super heated and it's gone..poof..it doesn't stay inside. How? you ask..no. It's not How..it's why? Because I don't give a shit about those people any more. Those people who try to squash you down with their words and make you feel less than. I know who "my people" are now, after so many heartbreaking losses, and I was surprised to find that "my people" are many. I have a lot of people on my team and I love them..it's clear now whereas before I loved them but I loved too many who just wanted to be seen with me.. a person who had something. If I sound like an ego maniac, please excuse me, as though I'm not super special and won't mention what I do, I have a semi-important job where you might want to know me. Anyhow, that's that. I went from a person who was somewhat stable to a person who gets frequent anxiety attacks and for a while flackbacks. A shrink I saw said I was suffering from PTSD...I think he's right but enough about that. I go to OA to be with the women..I call them the Canadians..don't ask. So I go see the Canadians every Tuesday and it helps. It helps me stay connected to my higher power, God, who I had all but abandoned until I was on my knees beggin for mercy from the pain..just begging from the pain, and I'm up, I'm walking, it's still painful but I'm functioning, trying to have my baby.

So some may be thinking, Chick is crazy, that may be, but my thinking is, where the eff else can you go to rant and ramble.