The Parents

Tonight I just got into quite an argument with my mother... Upsetting. I don't know at what time in my life, but suspect sometime in my early 20's, I became disillusioned and disappointed by my parents..I guess in just the realization that they will never live up to the expectation I had for them and really, that's not their fault, I mean, who the fuck am I? Maybe everyone at one point has this realization..it's cause a real break in our relationship ever since. Tonight my mother started the topic again regarding what exactly "D's" diagnosis is, wanting to decrease "D's" meds herself as "D" sleeps "too much' even though "D" takes these meds for auditory hallucinations. I don't get her, I really don't. Who does this kind of thing because it's hard for them to get their child up in the morning? Really? Cause it's a pain in the ass for you to get them up, your child should hear terrifying voices? I don't know. So I say, this again? And she starts yelling that she can't talk in her own house, that she has nobody to speak to and she's carrying on, screaming as usual, her usual rant that nobody gives a shit about her. I tell her maybe if you changed the topic..it's the same topic and if it's not that topic, you're asking one of us for something. She says, "you never do any favors for me at all!" Well I had had it. I told her that I didn't have to do any favors for her..that I did more than my share for "D" and practically raised "D" which she disputed..I asked her, "Tell me one school meeting I didn't attend? One program meeting I didn't attend? One doctor that wasn't found if not by me? Any significant part of D's life that I hadn't been involved in?" I was fucking livid. I have lost more sleep over this kid than she would ever know with all the shit throughout "D's" life..the time no doctor would take "D"...nobody wanted to take the case when D required tons of medication but had nobody to prescribe..when we had all the problems in school due to the "incident", when we had all the problems finding a school where "D" could exist and every fucking day after working an overnight shift before going to school full time I'd trek my ass down to the school flip the kid over my shoulder and take the out of control child kicking and screaming home because the school couldn't handle "D"... I sat for 2 weeks straight in "D's" class one year to try and figure out what the fuck was wrong, drove the kid to school for a month back and forth when D was suspended from the bus..yeah, I don't help her...WTF!!!!! And the times she's come through for me...Hmmm.. let's think..the one, count them, one visit she made to the hospital oncology ward when I was in there for over a week...she visited for a whole 5 minutes and had the fucking nerve to tell me she was visiting so and so..the mother fucker who had molested me as a child..knowing full well how I felt about that fucker..can you fucking imagine???? Fucking oblivious...even my father who barely spoke to me throughout most of my adult life wanted to kill the mother fucker but my mother? no, she wants to visit..and tell me about it when I'm trapped in oncology's isolation room...And I forgive my mother a lot...I don't harp or dwell on her hitting us as children..that's not even a blip on my radar of shit but do I remember? Hell yes..crazy ass woman would tear our room up and throw every single possession in the garbage..you think I exaggerate? EVERY single belonging you had would end up in the trash and this happened let's see...hmmm...can't count how many times I came home to a room full of nothing but your bed and furniture..no posters on the wall, no socks, no pants, no nothing..crazy..yeah and all the support she's given me now trying to conceive..can't even bring it up any more as I can't take the fucking hurt. I know my siblings think I'm crazy as they accuse me of trying to have a normal conversation with her..think she's incapable of talking about anything but her..my sibs words not mine..I don't know. I look at all my friends with the normal mothers who are supportive and talk with them and they go shopping sometimes or out to lunch and I think WTF? And let me tell you..there is a part of me that's made my peace with that..I'm not looking for Mrs. Brady here..but once in a while..can she just be a little motherly? Ask, how are you and wait for an answer before she asks you for something?

Sorry, I had to vent that out and I'm fine really. Just trying to clear out my head and talk it out. Sometimes I think I'm mean to her and other times I feel justified but in reality I wish I could ignore her little idiosyncracies and just accept her as she is..I try...I really do. The funny thing is every time I visit her I say a prayer on my way to not upset her or let her upset me..every single time and didn't I forget today because I took a different route and didn't pass the church that usually triggers my prayer? Ugh. If there wasn't a chance I had babies in here today would definitely be a take a puff from my stash of smokes day.