My fairy Godmother

I went to go visit with my fairy Godmother on Wednesday. She was completely unresponsive and had been so since the previous day when she'd been admitted by ambulance. I cried the whole time there...I've been strong but really how much can someone take. The nurse was eager to speak to me as she said they had no info as no family had stopped by. Heartbreaking. Two nuns had stopped by earlier and I explained that she'd been a nun for over 20 years. I gave them what information I knew and stayed for about 2 hours just talking to someone who appeared to be in a deep sleep. Thursday morning I called the hospital and they explained she'd finally awoken but could not speak though at times could not yes. I went to see her later that day and it was not good. Better than Wednesday but still a far cry from my usually feisty Godmother. I felt awful as I couldn't stop crying and she just stared at me but really, it was the straw that broke the camel's back...just way to much and even as I write this I can't help but feel a deep and guttural sorrow in my chest; feeling too much loss in such a short time.

It's been hard. My younger sib is having a very difficult time. They also had the awful experience of having a long time love who'd they recently broke up with find a new person and tell them it was serious. My sib is very close to a breakdown and I'm seriously worried.

At times it feels as if there's a curse over our family though there have been many blessings there seems to be just a bit too much heartache and troubles throughout our lives. I don't get it but have to think it's some kind of test from God or the fates or what have you.

Just trying to hang in.

I spoke to the girls who are trying. R just had a disappointment and J is going for a retrieval today. I'm hoping to get my application for the donor thing filled out sometime this coming month.

Sadness and heartache

On Sunday Father's Day I got a call saying that there had been a tragic car accident and my uncle had passed away. We were all beside ourselves with grief. My sister and my mother were planning to fly out on Tuesday for the services and I had D with me from Monday to Tuesday morning staying at my apartment for the week. At about 4:45am Tuesday morning I got a call from one of the aides to say my dad wasn't feeling well. I called the hospice nurse.....got into an argument with her of course..and when she finally agreed to go To his apartment she called me back to say he had very little time left to live. Needless to say I got on the horn with my sister at the airport and told her not to get on the plane and long story short my father died Wednesday morning with all of us around him in the middle so a prayer. I was okay through all of the arrangements....through all the vulturing that inevitably happens but tonight I got a phone call that my fairy godmother has had a very bad stroke and in truth it feels like just a bit too much....just a little bit like they're trying to kill me here. Hurting like hell and breaking my heart.

Sometimes this world is just a teensy bit too cruel...

Getting poked

My period has yet to rear it's ugly head and at this point it feels like it'll never come. Never have I wanted it more...please please please God and I'll be good. Anyhow, had the blood work and started on the Lupron 10 units5 days ago. It's like riding a bike and even I am shocked at how easy I inject myself like nothing. The nurse said I should get my period by the 10th day and to call if it doesn't come and then come in on day 3 of "the period". This is so crazy not having it.

I'm reading this book...yes reading...something I haven't been able to successfully do since I quit smoking. I used to read like a fiend..I'm sure I've mentioned. When I say like a fiend I mean I could go to the library and take out 2 or 3 7-day return books and be done with them all within the 7 days no problem. I would devour them and it wasn't that I smoked as I read as really who enjoys that? I would just be able to focus in a way I can no longer do. I've started a gazillion books...all supposedly "great" and not going through..but I digress. I'm reading a book called Sing You Home by Jodi Picoult who was an author I used to like...the main character is going through IVF or went through IVF...I just started and it's good. It's true to life but somewhat sad..I cried like a freak this morning at one point and realized 2 things; I haven't had a good cry in a long time and shit these meds are making me more sensitive. Anyway, it's good stuff this book so I thought I'd put it out there especially if you're doing this alone...not because that's how the main character is doing it but because it is so, for lack of a better word, satisfying to have someone explain so many of the emotions that you're going through. I find that going through this alone, with only my friends for support, is very difficult..it's a difficult path, it really is.

I had a though today and I'm not really sure about it or where it came from but it was after reading a little bit in the book and I went to my bathroom and caught a glimpse of myself in the mirror. I thought.."this is it. If this doesn't work I'm done. I can't go on". I don't know if this is true but it popped into my head nonetheless. The process this time around seems very different to me. Detached as I believe I've mentioned before from not only the clinic but the process in certain ways. Last night I made an effort to come home before 11 p.m as that's the time I take my Lupron and didn't I sit down to watch tv and totally forget? Thankfully I remembered 1/2 hour later but still...I'm not hyper vigilant as I was in the past. And if you're curious, as I myself am, it feels neither good nor bad. It feels like acceptance of whatever the Fates, what God, whatever it is my future, has in store for me. I might not like it but I accept. I accept because the fight is gone now.

Last Wednesday Diana and Z came over. We were talking about the lap band and I said that as soon as this baby making thing is over I'm getting it. Z, who is about my size couldn't believe it. She told me I was giving up, cheating, doing things to my body, blah blah blah. I said Z, I do give up. I give up kidding myself that I can do this on my own. I've been fighting this fight for my whole life and I can't do it anymore. I have to accept this. I want to walk without my knees hurting me, run up the stairs without gasping for breath at the end....and really it's not even about looks at this point. I look at my father who is thin but diabetic and my fairy Godmother who is heavy and diabetic and they're both in wheelchairs blind as all shit and I don't want this for me. I want to run like I used to on the treadmill with no problem, I want to sit on a plastic chair and not worry that it'll collapse, I want to go to the doctor and not fear that I'll hear "high blood pressure" "high cholesterol" "diabetes"...I want to give myself a chance to fucking live normally man and though people constantly say "you're not that fat"..I know the truth...I may not be fat enough to require special equipment of any kind but I'm fat enough that it effects how I want to live. I explained to Z that I have to accept things because I'm too tired, too tired. She says, "Where is the Gemma that used to always fight for things"? and I said the truth...Life has kicked my ass and I can't do it anymore. I have to pick my battles and succumb to those that I can't beat. Painful but true.

I finally got the courage to speak to my boss this past Friday about removing the chick from my unit. She agreed. It's going to go over like a lead pipe with the chick and with my unit but it is what it is and I have to make myself as comfortable as possible. Absorbing the work will be problematic but it'll happen. The boss was finally, finally, cool about it and said, this needs to be about work...shit lady...finally you get it..I need harmony within my troops in order for us to work...not their noses up your ass. I didn't say this of course.

Anyhow, that's what's up for now...

Coming to a head

The anxiety is at full swing folks as this week the shit is coming to a head...so I'll either be in pieces at the end or will see a ray of hope. I have my appointment this Monday with the new clinic and the new doctor. Did I mention I pulled up the stats on Sart.org and my regular clinics stats were ridiculously low...so low it's just not even worth mentioning. The shrink brought up the fact, and I do believe I'm repeating some info here, that stats depend on the info going in...in other words on who they actually accept and it may just be that my clinic takes everybody and this other clinic does not...hoping this isn't the case and they'll actually take me...well time will tell won't it. I feel like this year has been the ass kicker of ass kickers and it'd be great to end on a positive.

In other news, my father is still at the nursing home for longer than we expected as he had somewhat of a setback. He continues to hallucinate and be nowhere near normal mentally or physically. A devastation really and last night after picking up my sib from the bus stop they stated wanting to get to the bottom of it so that he can go back to normal. Go back to normal? Ummm, perhaps I've had the hope bitch slapped out of me but I said to them, Uh,,,I don't think he's going back to "normal". Not for nothing but..hello. I could be wrong. I hope I'm wrong. For D's sake and for his sake as he hates all of this shit and I hate it to but frankly, I'm not holding my breath. Aside from all this shit, the finances are going faster than you can say, whatthefuck? and my youngest sib, who is in charge of the finances is in shock. They had given a budget of $2K to fix the new apartment and I said, are you just accounting for materials? They thought I was nuts. I explained, having recently had a bathroom renovated this shit costs dough. Needless to say, $2k went on materials...we're waiting to hear how much the work turned out to be. Yes, we work ass backwards...work first price later..go figure. There's nothing that can be done about it but we are definitely raising every one's rent come next year. He may be discharged on Monday which worries me because there is no way I can help with that....waited over 2 months for this doctor's appointment but I won't even jump to any worrying as I've got enough in real life.

Work is work. I finally had the opportunity to speak to my boss about the shit going on in my unit. No reprimands for anybody of course....may be taken off of my staff list and put in a different unit which is fine. I'm just so done with the whole thing really. Just need my peace but need my ego to get out of Peace's way. I am well aware that my worrying is my own OCD shit and though I've never been diagnosed with that..thank God...every one's got a little of everything and it's crystal clear to me that work woes is a topic that I take too personally. I wish I could just go there, leave and blow shit off but it's like I'm constantly playing these old tapes in my head and I rewind the mothers and play them back...angry at the whole shit of it. Got to get over it really. Just trying to find a way. I've just been praying about it like Mattie tells me.

As far as my fairy Godmother I haven't visited her again and I feel terribly guilty but the truth is I have not had time for shit. My apartment is a mess and today, the first day I would have had some time, I found myself unable to get up off the couch dead asleep as I've been unable to catch enough zzzz's all week. I finally had time to dye my hair today and shave everything that needed shaving...tmi..sorry...and tomorrow I take care of plucking and bleaching whatever else needs to be done.

And that's it. I'm wiped. Just fucking wiped. Say a prayer for me this week whoever is out there as I'll need it. I'll need it and I've needed it as there are too many days where I feel I'm at the cusp of losing the shit.. Just losing my friggin mind or whatever is left of it.

Valium-ing it up

My life has been unbelievably crazy lately and the anxiety has been back full force. Today, after visiting my doctor and visiting my fairy Godmother in the nursing home, I came home exhausted with the thoughts of all that is going on in my life floating in my head. Feeling guilt over not visiting my father today, knowing none of the children have today, feeling bad about my Godmother, about having left Tess alone too long, and mostly obsessing about the bitch at work who acted super obnoxious during a meeting today. So I'm laying on the couch with my heart palpitating out of my chest and finally, out of fear of having a heart attack, I thankfully remembered that I had a pill of valium that Dr. B had given me to take when I was having an implanting of embryo. I ended up not being able to take it as I didn't have a ride so had to do it sans drugs. I'm not a drug person so I split the shit in half and down the hatch it went. Jumped on here right after so hopefully it does the trick. I'm just tired. Physically, mentally, and emotionally tired. I find myself crying at the drop of a hat and I know this is in part due to my impending period... ugh. 

My doctor subtley brought up the topic of weight loss. Two doctors in a two week period. Not sure how to go about doing this really. Just feeling a bit lost.

Time will tell but had the thought this morning that I must take action in order to make change in my life. Gotta get my shit together to get my life in gear. I pray I can do it.

One more day

The day started off in kind of a rush. I had taken D to the doctor this past week, the psychiatrist to be exact. D has a significant mental illness aside from being developmentally disabled...hence my fear of adopting...they'd told us D was perfectly healthy and physically D is..I love D like my own child..the closest I may ever come to being a mother but it's a torturous life D has led in many respects...a doll baby that child but alas and as usual..I digress. So I took D to the doctor who informed us that D's cholesterol level has gone up as has their weight and she wanted D to join Weight Watchers. D refused at first until I said we'd take Tess along and then all was well so off I went running this a.m. to get D, drop off Tess (yes and D was fine with it) and run to the meeting I've been avoiding for two weeks. It went fine...I actually didn't gain as much as I'd thought (1 lb. ) and we're on.

Yesterday I'd spoken to my fairy Godmother and I'm sure I mentioned before that she had spent about 25 years being a nun...can't make this shit up. So I spoke to her and she gave me the whole spiel about God's will and I didn't have the heart to tell her I was pissed at God right now. She proceeds to tell me how her grandson wants me to be Godmother to his child and his girlfriend's other two children who had just come in from Venezuela and what do you say to that really? I told her to give me a chance to think about it. To add shit to the shit, she proceeds to invite me to her nephews wife's baby shower and says that she has the invite and wouldn't I make that awesome ambrosia salad for them? Sure, if you would take some of the marshmallows from that salad and shove them up my nose and suffocate my ass because I can't seem to breathe anymore any ol' way I'll definitely go and bring the friggin ambrosia salad. I'll make the shit and drop it off at her house the day before along with the gift certificate as just the thought of looking at baby paraphernalia is enough to send chills running down my spine and straight into my gut. Kill me why don't you? She asked me if I'd looked into adoption from Puerto Rico..where she's from? Ummm..no but will do it. Look it up and there's a residency requirement of at least 6 consecutive months...awesome. And on top of that they say it's a lengthy and pricey process...great, keep your kids....what the fukc really.

My plan is the egg donor for certain. I'm waiting for something that's not coming...courage I suppose that is. Just for the pit in my chest to go away and be replaced with strength and courage. I am just feeling frozen...frozen in fear and inaction.

Tomorrow I go to my doctor in the morning. Every year they do a scan to make sure the cancer has stayed away and tomorrow is the day. I got my test results finally from the new doctor who I saw the one time and never returned my phone calls until this past Friday. I told the chick I made an appointment with another doctor as they never got back to me and I thought they'd forgotten me. Truth be told I wanted to curse her ass out but I didn't. I have so much anger and pain inside of me that if I unleash it I'd probably have the police called on me. Instead, I cut her off, told her to put the shit in an envelope and that I'd be there to get it later. It says something that's not good on it. Tomorrow I go to the "New New" doctor and I'll have her explain all the shit. Apparently one of the things is rheumatoid arthritis...at least it explains why I can't move for shit and can barely write my name with a pen..even typing I need frequent breaks...We'll soon see the rest of the damage. Hoping it's not too bad. It's overwhelming really to take care of yourself when you're not in great shape. I wish I could lose this weight at least as I feel it would make it easier to deal with all the other shit. I'm hoping going with D helps me stick to the WW.

Anyhow, that's about the gist of what's doing today. I had my highs and lows as usual and made it through another day without my heart breaking in two the way it feels it has. Cried a little only but didn't smoke or drink about it...just played it cool. Hope tomorrow I can do the same.

Family

Yesterday I spent the day with my fairy Godmother. My Godmother is one of those people who doesn't edit and doesn't edit in a loud voice. She will bring up the fact that my sister, who mistakenly felt she could share this information with her, had an abortion when she was 19 years old. Any time I spent time with her she says, so and so had an abortion, remember? I don't think that's something that anybody forgets. She also anounced during her grandson's baby shower (the fact that I had to go wasn't enough) that I'm using donor sperm and getting inseminated. Luckily nobody in the room was English speaking and I quickly told her this was private...not that I think this really makes a difference to her. Yesterday she says, so did you get inseminated? We were in the car but still, this isn't something you just blurt out. She also told me her, her son, and his wife were talking about me and how they couldn't understand why I couldn't find a man as I had such a pretty face. My usual come back for when married people say this is "why would I want to find a man and be married, so I can be as happy as you"...I don't know any happily married people. Anyhow I didn't say this, I just said, I don't want a man right now which is true, I don't. Later after this baby ordeal is resolved maybe I'll look for someone when a few years have passed. She asked me if I was pregnant and sometimes, even though I love these people and have respect for the fact that they're old and crotchedy, I still want to punch them in the nose. Have some sensitivity people. She proceeds to tell me maybe it's not God's plan for me....yes, maybe it's not but maybe it is and I tell her how I wouldn't be happy otherwise. She says that against her feelings she will pray that it happens for me (she was a nun for over 25 years..'nough said). I change the topic...a million times yesterday I change the topic and I practically kick her with my shoe out of the car in the drowning rain. I pick up her million pound dog from the back of the car and all her bags and quickly deposit them in her living room as my shirt, hair and jeans are drenched and my mascara runs down my cheeks...I don't care, I just want her out. Tess and I drive home wet as all hell but finally blissfully alone after spending about 5 hours with her getting her dog and my Tess groomed. Today we go to my uncle's for a barbecue. I always go when he invites us as it's the only family gathering that is actually enjoyable and I think this is mostly due to the fact that both he and his wife push drinks on everyone all day long and everyone ends up buzzed and happy..me included. I get there and am served cheap wine with ice in a paper cup and promptly proceed to get drunk. I'm a wine drinker and no, it's usually not with ice or in a paper cup but for whatever reason, whenever I go there, I drink it the way they want to serve me and enjoy it...I go with D ahead of the other sibs who are also going and meet my mother and our old neighbor who are already there. Our old neighbor is like family and  she's known all of us our whole lives. She had 4 children herself, 3 girls and a boy and the girls all died young from different illnesses and the boy was the only one who survived. This lady is like a Saint though she is nowhere nears a bright woman, she is an absolutely kind woman and D refers to her as Grandma and always has as she's known D since they dropped D off from the foster agency. Anyhow, she's not well these days and I think she is soon going to die. I just have that feeling. I love her to death and when I lived at home she would come over every week and clean my room for me, empty my ashtrays, and the like and I could always count on her to help me in a way I couldn't with my mother. I sat next to her and she explained she wasn't feeling well but had a doctor's appointment next month...I tell her to call the doctor tomorrow...I know she's not well. She asks me if I have any luck with the baby situation and I explain that I don't. She tells me, well, if it's meant to be it'll happen. And this makes me feel better. I always feel like she has a direct connection to God..have you ever met that kind of person? Too good for this earth? This is her. I remember her cooking one day in my mother's kitchen and her saying that the pot would not boil and she finally says, wait, I'll fix it...she takes the spoon and taps the pot in the sign of the cross and doesn't that mother boil. My sister and I couldn't believe it and she continued on as if this was perfectly normal. She's special and although I don't spend as much time with her as I used to, I'll miss her when she's gone. On the other side of me sat my cousin's girlfriend. My cousin, who is 40 mind you, has been dating this girl over 10 years but never proposed. She says she doesn't want to marry either but tonight when she was ribbed with this as usual she says it but it lacks conviction and I, in my ghetto wine stupor, say to her listen, if nothing else, have your babies, whatever you have to do have your babies. I whisper this as my sibs are across from me and my sister says to her, don't listen to whatever she's saying, she's drunk. I tell her, I may be drunk but I'm telling her the truth and she says next year and I make her promise me this is true and I tell her I'm going to check on her. She's 35..next year is a good time though this year is better. I tell her, your eggs grow old and those hollywood ladies are using somebody else's so don't think that doctors have a magic wand. She says she knows...we'll see. I had a nice time with her and my cousin, her boyfriend who is the only cousin geographically close to us and one of the only cousins we grew up with. It was real nice. It felt like we really had family. My cousin agreed that it was hard not to have family here in the U.S.. and it really is. It's why neighbors and Godmothers become family members because there's nobody else around.
The night ended with a trip to facebook to see what is up and one of the girls from high school who was pregnant had her baby. A little girl and may God bless. As usual it hurt only a little but the pain is long lasting. C'est la vie.

Yeah, this will work..

I'm supposed to be staying stress free and zen but I believe I mentioned I promised my Godmother to take her dog to the groomer. So I call her tonight and tell her it's going to be earlier than planned and please be dressed in case you have to go with and the dogs aren't getting along (they've never met). She tells me she has other plans with her neighbor to take her other dog and yes, she is 81 with 2 dogs less than a year old each ..one of which is a pit bull...only my Godmother...anyhow, I understand but I have to handle these two dogs and get to the doctor...she tells me her dog is black with dirt. Hmmmm...trying to figure out how not to be totally gross by the time I get to the doctor. So the plan is pick up her dog, it's some kind of cockapoo or labapoo or something..fairly large curly haired white dog, keep my tiny Tess from killing her dog and drive to East Jabib where my groomer is located than go across the county to my doctor's appointment..try to fit in either some shopping (as I desperately need new pants) or a massage (as I just received a million gift certificates for my birthday - actually I got 5 of them..woo hoo for me). After that pick the dogs back up, drop off my Godmom's, run home and change to go to dinner for my mother's birthday which is also happening in East Jabib..next state over (not my idea obviously). Today was also a run run run day. Did work. Got a call to trigger tonight at 9...really 9? That's smack in the middle of my night chaos. And will be going into the clinic at 8:30 on Sunday. So of course I get a call to pick up one of my siblings tonight at 7:30 p.m. which is the usual time. Sibling wants to run into the pharmacy. We are now looking at 8:30 p.m. and thankfully I threw in the HCG shot into my laundry bag just in case I didn't make it home in time which obviously was not going to happen. Get to my mother's to drop sibling off and at precisely 9:01 p.m. as it has to be on the dot..I inject myself in my mother's powder room...gross..I hate my mother's house...but in it went. So I ran today, will be running around tomorrow and Sunday will have to get up at the crack of ass to drop Tess off, come back home, and have Kay pick me up at 7:40 a.m. giving us just the right amount of time to get to the Doctor's by 8:30 a.m. Marathon weekend as usual but it is what it is and I'm more relaxed than I've been in a while so that's that. I've been trying to not focus on the things that I don't have and trying not to be jealous of others. Trying not to think about PFace and Asshole and the fact that their baby is here by now...the same month I had calculated mine would come had the first try worked..weird how shit like that happens. It's okay really...hurts but it's okay though please God and I know I've said this before, but please God, just send me my baby...don't make me lust after everything. Maybe this is sick..not sure but it's how I feel and really I think it's normal so...

Sheesh!!

My schedule is kicking my ass!! This morning I went to go see Dr. B...had to be there at 7 in order to try to get to work on time which meant getting up at 5:15 a.m. and of course, I was late to work any ol' way as the doctor's office took extra long..can't win. So I go in, bloodwork, vaginal sonogram (yes perhaps TMI but alas that's what the blog's about) and she says retrieval probably Saturday or Sunday...Hoping for Sunday because my schedule sucks and I have a friggin meeting Tuesday afternoon that I really should not miss as they've been planning it for what seems like forever. Go to work...I'm dying as I haven't been able to sleep on the Lupron and I'm wiped. Decide I'm going home early and when I'm just about home I get a call from the doctor's office..."she wants to see you tomorrow at 8:30"...yeah, I start work at 8...nobody cares...they'll see me at 8:30..call the boss as I'm aware we have a meeting in the a.m. who says "but I wanted to discuss the (bullshit bullshit) tomorrow'..she catches herself and says Oh, well it's medical..we'll be here when you get in..yeah thought so...and in the house I go to say hi to Tess and try to chill for a minute but it's off to the races again tomorrow and I'm beat! Meds were decreased at least for tomorrow. They'd changed my meds on Monday from Lupron 20cc BID, Follistim 300 AM, and Menopur 150 HS to Lupron BID and all other meds AM and today they canged them again omitting the Menopur in the AM until the doctor sees me. My abdomen looks like a globe as it is all blue and green and I'm running out of areas to inject that don't hurt..I'm also bruised from the acupuncture and my carpal tunnel sydnrome is killing me...Don't even care!...just hoping hoping hoping... I was also hoping to schedule acupuncture for after the embryo transfer but I have to cut myself a break as I can't get everything synchronized perfectly and stress about it...This weekend I also have a groomer's appointment for Tess and I also told my (fairy) Godmother (she's 81 and can't do it) that I would take her dog. My groomer squeezed that dog in so I can't back out as, if you have a dog that needs grooming, you know that appointments are extremely hard to come by last minute especially if you have a good groomer so ..onward. Worse comes to worse I'll have to ask my sibling to jump in and help me..Fuck! That'll go over like a lead pipe...gotta rest but can't seem to stop the madness and with work there's only so far I can push it. I took off Wednesday and Thursday of next week as if I call out 3 days in a row I need a note from my doctor and I don't want them knowing my shit so I figured take these two days off as vacation days and if you have to call out sick.....you get the picture..Anyhow, that's it..I'm going to try and catch some ZZZZ's today with Tess and just chill...hope Tess isn't a pain and let's me actually rest. If I could drink I would as it helps me snooze but alas... Anyhow, that's it for now..just wanted to update.

Single?

Today like I said earlier, I had to take Tess to the groomer. While she was being groomed I went to get a massage I mentioned I'd been scheduled for ..which was awesome until Mattie showed up and fell asleep and began to snore so loudly nobody could relax...I mean it was loud in a place that is very dark and quiet with just little dainty music playing..man snoring stands out and even the masseuse seemed annoyed. Anyhow..the lady next to me was...drum roll please...pregnant..of course!.. but I made a conscious decision not to let it interfere with my peace..my fairy Godmother always reminds me that, "You never let people interrupt your Peace" and so I moved past it...the snoring on the other hand was not ignorable..next time..I go alone. Anyhow I go to get Tess and call ahead as that's the routine only to learn he needs one more hour..ugh..I go get pizza as at this point it's after 1 p.m. and I haven't had breakfast burn my mouth on the frigging thing and of course bump into someone I know that I can't quite recall how I know..How this happens when I went to a hole in the wall pizza place in a seedy part of the county is beyond but there you have it. Did I mention I tend to hang out in seedier areas so as not to be noticed?? No? Well, yup I do. So, because I had more time to kill, I drove on over to the local Pier 1 store...how it stays open with so few customers is beyond but it's been there for what seems like forever ... So I go in and see a guy..cute I think..he smells a candle puts it down I hear a girl say to him..this matches our so and so and realize he's part of a set....he answers 'Oh yeah it does' or some such nonsense and I can't help but think..you really give a shit that it matches? but whatever I move on and as I walk I'm thinking..where did this part of my life go..the part where you meet someone and move in together and pick out shit together and build a home because it just never happened for me..not once and I know some girls who it's happened for what seems like a million times..so I move to the back of the store away from these two..the only two I'd seen in the store..but as I move to the back I see a teenager..she was extremely petite but I saw she was with her mom who stood what seemed like about 4'10'' and figure oh this girl is older than she looks..probably getting ready for college. She is looking at the door hooks and her mom says..this would look cute on the back of your door for your robe and your towel..she answers and I realize I guessed wrong..she's still too young for college..about 15 I would guess..she picks out a pretty pink one and explains something to her mom to which her mom says.."no, I gottcha"..a mom that seemed to be trying to stay hip with her daughter and it made me realize...daughters and sons! they trump men any ol' day of the week! Made me feel much better about being "single"..

Walking, praying, and talking to myself

Just came back from a walk with Tess...just around the complex. Said my prayers on my way around..just felt like crying and I started a conversation with the Big Guy in order to avoid waterworks and decided to make it official and say all my prayers. Was a little worried that someone would see me talking to myself but my need to beg overrode any fear that the neighbors would think I had lost it. I've taken to just pleading with God for help with this...it's a desperation I've felt at other moments of my life..uncomfortable, and humbling and I just need this pain to end; I need for this to happen for me. I fear that perhaps I want it too desperately to happen..that I'll drive myself to an emotionally distraught state that will contribute to my difficulty in conceiving and I tellyou, my job ain't helping. Really..how can you go to a million meetings in a week, make a million lists of shit for different people, have piles and piles of mail to read, and actually get your work done...how does this happen? I don't know. I can't even get to the mail part of it...it's too much..just too much work and I see the other supervisor..the one from "the incident" chilling all day doing nothing..literally doing nothing..but really, who gives a fuck..I'm just trying to do me and focus on what I have to do and not lose it. It's easier for me when Mattie is there. I don't know if it's because she's older or because she's black and 'street' that people tend not to mess with me when she's in the office. This isn't in my head as I mentioned it to Kay who said she'd noticed this to be true too, that people don't mess with me when she's there...actually tend to not come into my office..love it!!.. She's not menacing in any way you just know she won't take your shit..don't know how I know this you just do. She is very helpful to me emotionally and I feel protected with her there with me..an odd feeling really that she does this...the poor woman is getting paid literally minimum wage and alternates between a 20 hour week and a 4 hour week..4 hour weeks are hard..this is a 4 hour week. I'm lucky to have her. She reminds me so much of my fairy godmother..though my fairy godmother was never a crack addict..actually was the complete opposite having spent a significant portion of her life in the convent. Anyhow, she came when I needed an Angel and a protector and I felt that right off. Funny how things happen. When she first met me (as a client and no, I don't remember) she said I was a total witch..surprise! and then when she interviewed and saw it was me she said she thought in her head "great, I'm screwed" but that's not how it happened. She didn't realize I was only cold as we interviewed with my boss with whom I'm always cold and standoffish...as soon as she moved into my office..I set her up and she said it was like meeting a different person. Ha ha!! I was protective of her from the jump as my staff thought she was going to be their little slave until I explained she is only there to help me..not them..Mattie was grateful as have I mentioned I work with bitches..and she got this the first day in...actually had a confrontation with one and said "I'll fix her"..I said how? she said, "I'm going to pray for her"..deep huh? Now nobody gives her work but me or she can request work from a few people if she chooses..that's how it goes.. Truth is she really sucks as a helper. She does stamp in my mail and alphabetize it though I use the term alphabetize loosely...oh well...don't really care. She also has tasks that she refuses to do for me as she simply hates them...don't care. I often think that she's a little blessing sent to help me as she came, like I said, when I needed someone and also helps me with navigating the 12 step process..she has over 20 years clean and sober...though I'll admit I get annoyed with her when she acts greedy or too ghetto, hate the smell of her lotion and I mean hate! and I end up squished in my office having to share with her..I'm the only one who shares but this was my choice... and in truth I have a pretty big office so I'm not really that squished it's just I have a lot of shit so having her in there is sometimes too full. But I couldn't leave her out there exposed to the wolves..not that she can't take care of herself but it would be different fighting styles and these bitches are clever... So there you have it..my story on Mattie.
I've been so teary this week it's been hard to be at work and I have had a million and one things to try and get done. I guess I should be grateful for the distractions. It's just that work is so unpleasant. One of the girls approached me today on an innocent comment I made yesterday just asked me what my motivation was in sharing with her...duh ass, just to share..when I explained that perhaps I overshared she said that I never share and am always guarded..you think? Hmmm..made one remark and I'm getting cross-examined..can't imagine what it'd be like if I spoke freely. Anyhow, this is just a rant and babble..I know it's not interesting but it's what's floating in my head..Shit, just remember I forgot to buy sperm today..fuck. This is how my mind is lately just air headed..My car goes in the shop Monday and though I've only been without it one day..I miss it terribly. There's nothing like your own car that you know like the back of your hand and mine is an oldie but a goody..people ask me if I don't plan to buy a new one and the only way that'll happen is if a baby is coming then for safety reason it might be a good idea and if you saw my car you'd know what I mean..an old truck and it ain't smooth..love it. Am driving my families old car which drives opposite of mine, like you're floating..but doesn't have working wipers, working radio, and can turn off unexpectedly and sometimes not turn back on so..want my car back..
Okay, enough babbling..
Oh, I have a little crush..not sure I mentioned..saw him yesterday and we spoke briefly..cute..wish I was back to my good weight and then I'd go for it but right now feeling gross..but it's nice to feel like a woman sometimes and lately with the whole body, weight, no baby, et cetera phenomenon..so don't feel like a woman.

Praying

I grew up Catholic and I mean very Catholic...Catholic school, Catholic church, et cetera. I have been praying for quite some time..mostly all of my life though there were a few years where I tapered off and I began again in earnest when the "incident" at work happened and my fairy Godmother gave me the memorare of St. Bernard to say regularly. She was a nun for over 20 years and says it's one of the most powerful prayers so every night I've said this prayer for some time now and I credit Mary (the prayer is to Mary)for helping me quit smoking and keeping "D" and my nose's clean. I also pray to St. Gerard..patron saint of those trying to have a baby. Anyhow, the other day the chick that read my tarot introduced me to St. Therese so I've begun to pray to her..I definitely feel a connection. I just feel this absolute desperation at this point and other than prayer feel like there's no where to turn so I'm praying praying praying like a fiend..my every thought it seems is a prayer. Obsessive huh? I don't care. I just need this and I feel as if I'm grasping at straws. I think this is one of the harder things of doing this alone...if someone else is in this with you, you can obsess together...me, I'm obsessing solo and so would appear crazier than average..(ha, I made a little joke). Anyway, if anyone is reading this feel free to put in a word for me with the big Guy. I'm trying to remember to share the wealth as well and keep others in my prayers who are in the same boat.

Beyond the Irritables

When I was sick, and I've heard from others who've had the same type of cancer, I would get what I'd call, "the irritables". It felt as if I was going to crawl out of my skin and was just the most irritating sensation..it would get so bad that I couldn't interact with anyone as I'd bite their heads off. I'd lay in bed with a scrunchy pillow that I'd gotten as a gift while I was in the hospital, and I'd put the pillow between my knees and cry. Why between my knees? Who the heck knows but it's what felt the best..laying down on my side with my knees not touching..even as I write this I can clearly remember the sensation. Lately, I've been feeling something similar...it's not physical though, it's more emotional and it's all aimed at my mother and at myself. I've been eating and eating and eating trying to make those feelings go away but nothings been working. I think a part of it is due to the anticipation of starting the process of IVF again, and another part is genuine anger at my mother...anger I wish I could let go of. I pray each night for patience with her, for me to be a better daughter, kinder and more considerate. I think to myself Gem, she's getting old and this relationship isn't how you want it to be between you. But I swear when I'm with her it's all I can do not to grit my teeth and I know it's fucked up but it's what I feel and I hate myself for it.

Years ago, when I was a less disillusioned, more trusting person, I used to see these people who were so unhappy and I used to call them "people who suck lemons"; where you can see the unhappiness and disgust with life on their face; they'd walk around with a perpetual grimace looking as if they'd been handed shit on a stick their whole lives. I used to pray that I would never be one of these but I see myself sometimes in a mirror with an incessant frown pasted on my face and it scares me. I'm a lemon sucker! or becoming one..something that I never thought I could be. I used to be the person who always had a smile, a joke, and I felt I had a warm heart inside...I don't know where that person went or what killed her. There are just crumbs of my old self left and on that rare occasion when I spot what is the best part of me, I miss her. I miss how people felt about her and the feeling of everyone wanting to be with me. This person that I am today though, can't be around too many people, for too long, without snapping. I'm not sure when this changed or if it had to do with my sickness and what it did to me, or all the shit that I had to go through during my sickness and with the troubles with "D" and with nobody helping me. It was a very lonely desperate time for me. I was sick and had this other problem on my lap; a humongous, disgusting problem that I couldn't talk about and was trying to finish a masters and work, and get well. It was bad. And my mother had her head up her ass, and my siblings ran from the problem, and I couldn't reach them, I'd call them to ask them what we were going to do about "D" and they wouldn't take my calls..it was too hard for them..but not for me? It was bad; very fucking sad and very fucking bad and I spent months and months hanging on to my sanity by a thread and crying and not knowing where to turn. It worked out. I got well. "D"'s issues were addressed though it lopped a good 10 years right off the top of my life, and I "forgave" my family for leaving me alone to deal with all this shit. But you see, even as I write the word "forgave" I know that there is a part of me harboring that feeling of abandonment and I supposed after a while and countless times of feeling my family is not rooting for me, it has festered and become a resentment. It left me scarred..and work added to those scars. All issues that I would work out with a therapist..but even that is just irritating for me now..trying to find a therapist I can trust and trust that she isn't crazier than me. I started talking about this a little bit with the Canadians on Tuesdays. It helps a little though I have a tendency to ramble at times. Find myself feeling alone at times lately, and am hoping to spend some time this week with my fair Godmother. All things seem better after seeing her and I'm grateful. Grateful to have someone in my life who gives that to me.

Faeries, Thieves, and Showers

I was invited by my fairy godmother to the babyshower of her grandson who is all of 21 and his girlfriend who is about that age as well, is pregnant with her 3rd, count them, 3rd child (by different guys mind you). Anyhow, I was scared to go for a million different reason but I mustered up my courage Friday night and took "D" with me shopping which ended up being just okay and not as heartbreaking as I thought.. Really, I just chose several of the on sale outfits and shoved them in a gift bag...fine. Saturday I dropped Tess off at my mom's to stay with my sibs two dogs and off I went. I was greeted by my godmother's husband Jules who is a show-off but like my Godmom..honest to a fault. I come into the house and he promptly tells me that I better lock my purse in my car as his Grandson is going to be at the party and it won't be safe inside. Right off the bat I know I'll be fine..I mingle, I help clean, I help serve, I get buzzed, it's all good. Her presents were simple gifts really and even though I was unusually conservative with my gift, it was one of the more generous bags. The highlight of my evening was when my Godmother announced in her high pitched voice how I'm trying but due to the fact that I'm single will be getting inseminated! I wanted to ring her neck..I jabbed her in her 80 year old ribs instead and told her to hush it. And that my friends was another lovely weekend!

Emotional Ass Whoopings

Tomorrow I see the doctor. It's been a while since I've been to the clinic and I'm trying to prepare myself for another bout of emotional ass whoopings. I used to walk in there smiling and walk out of there euphoric but alas, reality has reared it's ugly head one too many times to give me negative news related to that joint... so I go in tomorrow with a heavy heart and a fear that I won't recognize anyone; that everyone would have gotten their little piece of heaven and I'm still at the starting gate waiting, just waiting and hoping that there's a little piece left for me. We all sit there together and you get to know your group...there's the orthodox couple where the woman is a teeny tiny young beautiful thing and the guy is gross and mistreats her...the other couple with the beautiful tiny wife and big ugly dude who treats her like a princess...the yuppy couple who speak in nods and eye movements not daring to move their lips..and the list goes on..we all notice each other, raise our brows to each other but never speak to each other...weird really. I imagine that I'm the "woman who is never there with her partner"..if they labeled the way I labeled, I imagine that's who I'd be..the "no partner is ever with her" woman. I'm cool with that in theory, but at times it is, I'll admit, an emotional bummer. So I go in tomorrow to see my beautiful, inside and out, doctor who I imagine has the perfect life with her beautiful husband and two boys..(yes, I think I mentioned I looked her up and found out, regrettably in retrospect, too much information about her...uh, I'm a total nosey stalker)..I don't resent her blessings as she's that nice..too nice to even be jealous about..like a lovely angel really. This is how I see her..ethereal..and I'm not alone..Kay says the same thing, that there's something ethereal and almost glowing like about her..weird, huh? That's my doctor. I'll see her and she'll pump me up with hope and then soothe me with her gentle words when my world comes crashing down. Hoping that tomorrow doesn't bring any bad news..she said she was waiting for the pathology report and historyically, this hasn't been a good thing for me, these pathology reports....Don't even want to go there but the brain goes where it goes. I imagine if it was horrible news I'd of gotten a phone call so..that's good. Going to try and go in with some semblance of a positive outlook..it'll work this next time I'm sure..God willing..please God..

Oh, ..my fairy Godmother called to invite me to....drum roll please...a fucking baby shower! Yes, yes, no fucking applause at my luck but it's all good. It's her fucked up grandson's girlfriend who is having a baby and I don't think there's one person happy about it. I'm totally fine with it really...it just hurts the teeniest tiniest little bit..totally tolerable pain. I even get to go baby shopping for a nice gift..now that, yes that'll hurt.

Like a thief in the night

So I've been hiding out all weekend, avoiding calls and keeping myself on the down low. Just want to run away a little. Found a new donor that I'll try if this upcoming month doesn't work out. I need a stress free week at work to get my bearings...will have to hide out there as well. It's to the point where I want to sit in the dark and just let time go by discreetly without it noticiing me for a little bit but with my family and friends quietly at arms length in case I need them and of course my Tess.

One of the Canadians from my oa meeting called me...3 times...been ignoring her. I just can't right now.. I feel terrible about it. I did go to an online oa meeting last night..was good and I shared. I've been spiralling out of control with these hormones and really with just me..can't reign myself in. I've been reading this book called Angry Fat Girls, about a group of women who lost and gained weight and went on to lose it again...gives me hope. I had at one point gotten very close to normal weight...not normal skinny but normal shopping store normal. It was very scary for me in the men department and I know I use my weight to protect me...another way to hide. I have done this a lot in my life...hidden out. I run scared a lot..scared of men and scared of scary women..bitchy self assured, self righteous women...you'd never know this if you met me. I'm often told the first impression people get of me is 'tough'..no accident..and true to a point but it's a purposeful tough not a natural tough. I make an effort to have a dead pan stare and walk with confidence. My fairy godmother calls it my shield. It is. I want to lose weight because honestly, my body is having a difficult time carrying all this, but emotionally, I can't deal with male attention right now and even if I tell myself I can wear a 'disguise' so to speak..scares me and all in all I can't get a handle on my food addiction, so who am I kidding? Anyhow, had to rant and just get some of it off my chest. Just feeling tired and whatnot.Feel like smoking, drinking, doing my old thing, just getting buzzed with a smoke..been over 2 years but I can't. Need some time off and it's coming..Have some personal time I'm willing to part with so will scan the calendar for a good day to be off.

This week, I need to work on finding a therapist..a part of me wants to give it another try with this chick..my brain tells me to get a grip on reality and move on. Brain is gonna have to win as I don't have time for trifling.

Hormonal Babbling

So, I got my period this morning which I was expecting. Glad it comes every month, cramps and all as it means there is hope. Along with it comes the PMS that for whatever reason seems to be lasting through the first day of this cycle. I just feel shitty..lonely..alone really and I am though I'm supposed to be leaving for a picnic at my Godmom's..I don't want to go. Isn't that silly? I feel alone but don't want to go to a picnic to be with people? But I'm sure you know what I mean..that's not the company I want..looking for a more intimate type of companionship right now..Not sexual, just a friend really. My friends are all emotionally fucked right now. Did I tell you Ollie broke up with his partner? No. Well he did. He's moving back to Florida which I think is better for him anyway as that's where his family is. I'm not sure if I wrote about that here.. a big disappointment really as the plan was for him to move here to N.Y. and help when the kid(s)came (his idea not mine) but alas it's not to be and really he needs to be with his family where he has the most support. He has a house there too so he'll be okay. He had cancer a few years back too but his kicked his ass back and forth and left and right..that shit wasn't playing with him...he got a good ass whooping from that mean ol' cancer..everyone usually does but his was unusually brutal. He's also positive.....don't think I mentioned that.. so his immune system is beyond compromised..yeah, he needs to be with his family. But as usual I digress, so he's in his shit right now and I try to be there, Diana is dealing with the 2 boys alone while the hubby is in jail situation (which still sounds so beyond unbelievable it's not even funny..jail??? come'on), and Kay is dealing with the legal repercussions of her son the pothead and her other son who is a veteran and dealing with PTSD, and on top of that last night she learned he is drinking heavily and told her he thinks he has a problem...right before she's heading off for visit with her parents one of whom has alzheimers...love them all but needless to say, I can't go to them with my trivial shit while their fighting for their own sanity. So I came here. Truth be told I'd use this more but as I've mentioned my hands can't take the typing but I do what I can. Anyhow, off to the picnic..alone!! to be with people I don't want to be with except for my Godmom who I love. Gotta bring those creamers!

Forward

So I'm not sure if I mentioned I bought four more vials of man puke. Today I see the telltale signs of my period coming on along which means I go in Tuesday for that pelvic penis procedure. They're closed Monday for the holiday, I checked. Anyhow, for whatever reason, self protection, or what have you, I'm not as excited as I was the first month around. I keep thinking getting pregnant seems so far fetched. I felt my ovaries give a lunge yesterday when the cutest little boy came in with his mom. She let me carry him and he was delicious. Little caramel colored boy with a big ol' fro smelled like cocoa butter..so cuddly..yeah my ovaries lurched, lunged, and twitched. So I'm trying to just stay positive. I did something else, aside from buying that maternity shirt a few months back, I bought a baby carrier on ebay. It's one of those carriers you wear on the front..got a good deal in my size and I just decided to indulge myself at the cost of $16 I thought it was worth the little treat..even if I never get to wear it..who cares. I keep praying for God's help...for a healthy baby with a p.s. of healthy girl please..lol..I'd love a boy too but..

Anyhow, I called the first therapist I went to see to ask for asecond session and she has yet to call me back. Hmmm...sign that maybe this chick isn't the one. Two days is more than the average for a therapist..they usually call you back the same day..gonna try and check another one out next week. See, this is the shit I hate about trying to find one...half of them are nut jobs themselves..Ugh!! but I need the support or would like the support..especially going through this thing. I guess we'll see what happens.

I'm going to a barbecue/picnic at my Godmom's tomorrow night..I love her to pieces as I mentioned before..she's just so good to me. I asked her if she wanted me to bring anything and she told me to bring coffee creamers..I knew she would ask me to bring them..lol.. She says with her heavy Bronx accent, "Well, I guess you could bring some of those creamers like last time..". I picked them up tonight on my way home from my mom's and will bring something else..alcoholic from my cabinet..most likely as I have tons of booze her that I've gotten as gifts..no way I'd ever get to all of it and she likes to have her cocktails. So that's my plan for this weekend...that and I was hoping to head back to WW (weight watchers) sometime too. I need to move on this shit and stop procrastinating. The goal now is to eat healthy rather than lose. I don't want probs for my baby because I'm a junk food addict who can't control herself....Anyway, I babble..

Not looking forward to the period penis pap but alas it's the price we pay for babies made solo.

Goodbye Sanity

Well, I guess that headline isn't really accurate. It's really goodbye to my therapist. I had my last session on Thursday with her and I feel like I'm free floating out here. I explained to her my feelings like this; I know I don't need a weekly therapy session , but it feels like a good safety net to have one just in case. She reminds me I'm not the person who walked in there early last year, falling apart and I'm stronger than I think. I know I'm not who I was when I walked in there. I was at a point where I would literally and I mean literally, jump when I saw my own shadow..I was that freaked out, and believe me walking out of her building in the early evening there was more than one occasion where I saw my shadow and gasped. Someone would walk behind me and I'd jump. I was scared. But I'm not there anymore. Am I stronger than I think? Well, I think I made that mistake before; overestimating my strength both physically and mentally. I used to think I was a rock, a boulder really and I found out real quick that I'm just an ordinary stone, easily kicked, so I've gained weight, made myself even bigger, put the shield up even higher and still sometimes it seems it's not enough..actually the weight thing is not even what it once was. I used to be heavy and felt shielded now I am acutely aware that I am less nimble and more vulnerable with this weight at this age. I walked into work Friday after Thursday's debacle and Thursday night's goodbye to the shrink lady, shaken and beaten. I literally walked in holding back tears, went straight to my corner office, shut the door and tried to breathe. I sat there thinking about what my therapist (Arlene) said to me. That this was abuse, what the staff did to me, I knew this. I am only too aware of the signs of domestic violence (work experience not personal thank God) and though this isn't d.v. this is definitely abuse..verbal and emotional, though I am at somewhat of a loss as to how to stop it. If I trusted the head honcho, I would talk to her but I can't, I don't trust her at all to help me and I am pretty sure it would backfire on me in some way. Just talking about all of this leaves me with a sick feeling in my gut. The chick who went off on me on Thursday, ignored me on Friday, and I don't know if this is due to her being embarassed by her behavior or feeling anger still. I wish I had recorded her rant as it was so out there. Who the heck tells their boss, "I will reprimand you!" or "I'll do what I want when you're not here"...crazy shit. Shook my ass up and I don't need this stress. This coming month, I'm trying again for a baby and I certainly can't deal with this shit trying for my baby. Gotta find my inner peace.

On that note, I called up the cryobank regading my donor who is all out of juice. They told me he had indeed come in for blood work and new vials would be available this upcoming Friday. This dude sold out in one day last time so I have to hustle. His I.D. number only shows up on one tiny little post on the CCB (calif cryo bank) bulletin board as it seems like only a small handful of people had a chance. He seems too good to be true but I'm going for it. I find it interesting that my sisters haven't asked me for a description of what he looks like. I find it interesting that the topic has become a nontopic..I broke the news and flash! reaction! and then nothing. I can't let this permeate my thoughts though, as I don't want any more negativity than what already exists in my life to interfere with my emotions...not when I need to be at my emotional best. Speaking of, I saw a new therapist on Wednesday, one recommended to me by my therapist. Older woman, lesbian, her and her partner adopted 2 kids from foreign county. She seems okay but a little too..I don't know..loud? She kept saying how good she was at what she does, and listen, I'm only too aware of how often a therapist is in need of therapy so my antenna went straight up. There was one thing she did that gave me a little hope that maybe she is okay...she actually asked for details of what happened to me as a child (I had never shared this before) and when I concluded with all the other stuff in my life she said, "holy shit, really Gem, that too. You've been through hell". Made me feel better as sometimes I think I'm just a wimp maybe or something..a whiner..so when someone acknowledges that it's a lot it makes me feel more sane. I'm seeing a different one this week and am doing this kind of thing..interviewing therapist and dropping the ones I think are too nutsy for me. I'm not saying I'm not gonna see this one again..I'm just seeing what's out there...interviewing, if you will.

So, I move onward into the week. Today, I clean my condo, dye my hair and take a brief ride into the city and then the week from hell begins. I spoke to my Godmother the other day who is a doll and always the giver of sound advice and observations (and extremely religious) who said, Gem, you work in purgatory..give up your sufferings to God in the morning, it'll earn you credits in heaven when you die. If this is purgatory, it must be the basement level cause I swear I can feel the flames of hell at my feet. I'm lucky to be working, blessed to be making what I make, but it's not easy and I guess it's not supposed to be. But still I'm luckier than most. Have to remind myself of that.

P.S. I can't seem to leave a comment for anybody's comments but someone asked if my subordinates were younger...you would think right? No, all older than me. Some old enough to be my mother. One of them, age 60 actually said to me that I am like the old lady who lived in the shoe with too many children and they were all vying for my attention..yes she said it with a straight face.