Someday(s) are harder than others...

It's been a while and in truth I wasn't sure I'd come back but alas here I am with my heart full of emotions just spilling out of me. Right now really I'm just feeling tired; tired and depressed if truth be told. They say the fastest way to clear out a room is to put someone who's depressed in it. Alas, I really don't have to worry about that as few people come here but me and the crazies that lie within me.

Anyhow, where to begin. Really so many things have happened and by the same token nothing. There was an investigation at D's program after D reported that my mom hit them...it was not good. The police were called and I thought I was going to have a stroke. The police refused to investigate... This was so troubling for me on so many levels. First off I felt like I was torn between two lovers; I thought at this point my mother should know better but was caught up in feeling bad for her as she was freaked. The program suggested I press charges...Oh okay...right. D wasn't hurt except for the emotional aspect of it all and I pointed out to the program that this is about the 5th year that goes by without a residential placement for D that I've been requesting as my mother isn't able to properly care for D...hello people. Anyway, long story short, exhausting, almost had a heart attack complete with taking an anti anxiety pill for my heart palpitations and of course nothing came of it and in truth...THANK GOD!!! Nothing like an arrest for a mother who is not only a snob but also suffering from dementia....I would say more about it and try and take side but the truth is...for what? I'm clinging, clinging, to my sanity and reason so I can't take on any more.

My father is in the hospital again....not good. We've also been having problems with both my mother and father's business so I spent most of this morning with my mother in court. Now, if I was ever suicidal I'd spend the whole day with her and I'd surely die of frustration...she is beyond difficult. My plan had been to go to court and go to work afterwards but I found myself unraveling as I drove my mother home so instead I called out, bought myself something to eat, and came home. I then went to the hospital for a little while and then picked up my sib from the bus stop.

I decided to write, or more accurately, what propelled me to write, was my obsession with P face and Asshole which hasn't surfaced in a while but tonight while doing a google search I found out they had a little girl. You want to kill me Universe?! It just wrenched a hole in my heart. I guess a part of me feels that is the life I wish I was living and he's the one that got away and it's my fault because I didn't have the courage or so it seems to make it happen. That's the crazy me talking. The realistic me realizes that it would have never worked as I would have had to be the man and take the reins and that's just not my style and furthermore the dude was immature and in the end we would have been two fatties eating our way through life. His wife seems much more motivated to do shit, make shit happen, and take the bull by the horns...she's also much younger than myself...good for you Asshole (ha...)..! Oh well. That's the healthy me...not really that healthy but better than nothing. The bottom line is I realize perhaps a little late in the game that I want love, I want a man in my life....maybe not a husband but something like it....a support where I have his back and he's got mine and we're a fucking team who kicks ass together and gets through shit together and maybe it's all just a fairy tale we're sold and the actual relationship might be harder than I imagine but I want to have love in my life and that's that.

Speaking of healthy vs. unhealthy me, last week I went to go see the shrink lady and we had a serious talk about why I thought I was nuts. She said to me (again as I seem to be hard to convince), Gem, you are not crazy. Your family is crazy, the shit you  go through is ridiculously difficult and overwhelming and anybody would feel crazy having to take care of all of that. I felt better leaving. Still not 100% convince but I don't think I ever will be. You know, when the whole hitting thing happened with D it kind of shocked me but it didn't. I was hit growing up and really most of my friends were. Truth be told I'm not against corporal punishment but there is a time and a place and I don't believe in hitting when you are out of control. A spanking yes, absolutely, hot wild going crazy no wire hangers shit...no. I've had the no wire hangers shit many times...all of my siblings except for D have...shit happens and believe me that didn't stay with me as much as some of the emotional shit that haunts me til this day. It's funny that my mother was the big hitter though it's my father who caused the most emotional scars and he prided himself on never hitting the kids....my father really did a trip on me and it'll never be resolved. I told this to the shrink lady how this will never be resolved between us; not because he can no longer carry a conversation but because we never had a relationship where we could talk...neither one of my parents did with any of us though I'm sure that's the case for a lot of people. Kay at work talk to her mom every day...and used to speak to her dad every day too until his dementia got too bad. They have what she calls an awesome relationship and I hope, if I ever have children, to have even half the relationship she has with her mother. The shrink lady and I spoke about this...about how I worried that I might not as I have no personal frame of reference of a tight relationship with a parent. I don't know if she was blowing smoke up my ass but she said the fact that it was a goal and something I was striving for would set me on the right path....made me feel better.

Anyhow, there is apparently no rest for the weary as I'm on call and just got a call from the local police...
Will try to document more often...if for no other reason than it's a rare day that I blog and don't feel better after. It really is more of a personal journal than a blog but oh well.....

Under the Strain

No heavy lifting, no pushing, no pulling, nothing where you need to exert yourself. That's what it says. Well how the fuck does one accomplish that really? Can you tell me? I don't know. I get home after what seems like the longest fucking day...I'm exhausted. I get a phone call from one of my dad's tenants that such and such has not been fixed. I think...fuck off lady..I don't really care as it's on order and there's not much I can do about it. Really. That's what I think even if it is fucked up. This is the tenant I had to tell off a month ago for calling me every day on a repair she very well knew was being taken care of. I actually asked her if she thought I had a fucking magic wand that I can make things just appear as the guy had been there to measure the night before for her repair and he had told her he would buy the part and install them that week...wtf really. So I go about my business and get another call from another tenant about another repair. This one a legit emergency that needs immediate attention. My repair guy is of course on vacation though I have a few back up people up my sleeve. I tell the dude I'll have someone there pronto. I call my guy he goes down there, calls me, I need a new water tank....$500 that I don't have. Okay I say. I'll drive down there in a bit and get you the money. He'll install it tomorrow. I go to my mom's and get some money. Go to my dad's where D is also visiting. I walk in to find my father half on and half off the floor...the aide trying to get D to help her. I go over but he has completely no strength...he's fucking falling. I tell him dad make an effort but he doesn't. My phone is ringing which I'm sure is the guy to fix the water tank. I tell D get the phone. D is too slow. D get the phone, get the phone. D answer the fucking phone already. I have my dad's knees braced against mine and he's reclining on the bed ass not supported by anything slipping. My father is screaming at D to help. Poor fucking D has the face of pain on. You can't yell at D...it traumatizes D. It's not good. I strain under the weight of my father and ask the aide why in the frick would you get him up....he wanted to. I tell her if he has no strength you don't get him up.  She tells me he screams if you don't and I tell her to let him scream....wtf. All I can think is there goes my babies. I fucking strained like a mother fucker and I'm tired. I'm just tired of it all. I say UNCLE universe...fucking Uncle...I give the fuck up.

D is beside themselves with upset and I give them a hug and say it's not you. I'm sorry that we yelled it's not you but it's too late and D is all fucked up too. We sit for a while in silence, everyone upset for one reason or another and D goes home which normally I would not allow D to go alone but I know D needs to go. I sit and wait for the water tank guy. I start to cry because really how much can one person take? The water tank guy comes and I ask him to help us put my father to bed and he says of course he will. I pay him and say goodbye. My father asks if I don't want to take care of him. The aide explains "she has to work in the morning". My father asks the aide if she'll take care of him. Yes, yes.

It's all fucked up and I go to my mom's to pick up Tess and she starts with her b.s. and I feel guilty because I can't take it even though she's been so helpful and I tell her I gotta go.

I get home.

Feeling a little of everything

Feeling cranky from all the meds and having muscle pain galore. I remember the muscle pain from last time though perhaps not as intense as it is now. The crankiness is almos humorous it's so absurd. I was walking from my mother's house to my father's. They live in one of the shittiest towns here in this county and as I'm walking in the dark..alone...someone comes up behind me and gets so close they actually touched me. Mind you I had my hood up as it was drizzling. I turned around quickly and fucking blew them a new asshole. I think he intentionally intended to scare me...no, truthfully he probably planned to try and steal from me but I blew his ass up. 10 years ago I probably could have physically defended myself somewhat but the truth is after the big C I don't have even a third of the physical strength I used to. So I cursed his ass out, actually came up behind him and asked him how he liked it. Yup, that cranky. I grew up in this neighborhood though I admit it wasn't quite as shitty as it is now but I'm only a bit nervous at night. The crankiness gave me super balls it appears. Crazy....crazy.

Anyhow, one of the other girls J, that I met during IVF orientation had her transfer yesterday. She's 42 and they transferred 2 though she wasn't hopeful as they didn't develop as far as she'd hoped.

I have to tell you that I'm terrified. I'm terrified that I might have some hope that this will work even against all odds...this is a set up for disappointment and it scares the shit out of me. I'm still knocking around the dreaded idea of stopping after this. I could scream with the agony of this process. It's just so fucking crazy painful and so crazy what we do to ourselves mentally. I see these other girls; K, R, and J. All of us hoping against hope for a baby. I could cry with the desperation we are all feeling and I see mothers and father everywhere taking their children for fucking granted...they don't seem to realize how lucky they've been...how fucking blessed...they don't seem to realize. I see them yelling at them or tugging on them. Today I saw some guy with the little toddler trailing behind in the parking lot with all this traffic. The kid had to be all of 2...WTF dude..pay attention... but the phone or what have you was way more important...shit.

I went back and read some of my old posts to remember what the fuck had been happening. I had completely forgotten that 7 had fertilized last time but 5 were put in. 9 mature. Those are good numbers. Those are good fucking numbers..and I don't understand why they don't stay in. I want to hope. I really do. I wish I could let myself go like in the beginning and really fantasize about how awesome it would be. I can't. I can't do that to myself..can't open up myself to that hurt. I figure if I get pregnant I'll have plenty of time to do all that. Breaks my friggin heart this whole thing. My sibs are again not interested though I didn't tell them I'm trying it'd clear that I am but not a peep, not a question..fuck it. I have to just do this for me and my life. Me and my hopes and dreams. wow...life is painful sometimes..too often. I still believe it's good though. I really do. Crazy.

+1

I open my facebook page to a picture of a baby. Yes, another person my age just had a baby...naturally...with a husband. Mattie at work insists that if I just afforded myself a good romp it would happen. Whatever..not my style no matter what. I have to draw the line somewhere and I know no one that I'd like to romp with...sad but true. This really shouldn't be so hard.

I don't know whether I should laugh or cry at the absurdity of it all...really. Think I'll just go to bed.

Trying to roll with the punches..

It's been an ass kicker of a week and I find myself with anxiety, obsessive thoughts, and unable to friggin sleep. My father is not well. Not the kind of 'not well' that impairs one physically...it's all mental...hallucinating nonstop, he even looks and sounds different. The night before after we'd left the nursing home my sibs were called back as he'd become violent with the aides. My older sib ran over there to find him surrounded by aides at the reception desk, sitting there calmly and when they asked him what was wrong he answered..I'm sitting here surrounded by apes...referring to the aides.. The only saving grace is that he said this in a different language. Sheesh. My other sib came down from where they live and ended up staying until 6 a.m. as he would not go to sleep though they'd given him 4 different meds to try and knock him out. Though I offered to come down my sib refused and truthfully, I was delirious as I'd been going since early that morning non stop and had gotten home past midnight getting the call a bit after 1 a.m. I could have gone but they probably would have had to give me something as well. I've been trying to see him daily and trying not to go on the days my younger sib is able to come down though it's a crap shoot when they're coming which is a bit frustrating...I'm tired.

At work. Hmmm...how to sum it up so that my hands don't fall off explaining it all. One of the chicks at work has been having a titty fit regarding their caseload. Now listen, I gave some of the investigations to others when I saw it was too much but right now they have one a month for the next several months and they wanted me to ask the judge for an extension...for a report due in January!! I tried to explain calmly my concerns but she ripped me a new one, actually followed me to my office screaming at me while I yelled for her to stop and that was enough..finally slamming the door and locking it. The next day I was in for some more. Amidst all this was calls from the aides regarding my father being out of control. I sat quietly in my office for a minute contemplating whether to cry or have a nervous breakdown. My day ended Friday with a trip over to court for a sentencing on a case and we were whisked away to safety when pandemonium broke out. It was crazy, adrenaline pumping kind of shit...and that my friends was the end of my work week.

I don't see the shrink this week. She's overbooked..sweet. I have to plan for emotional survival. At work the plan is to close the office door and just ignore people. Home, gonna just pace myself though the work week starts with me having to meet someone to do some work for my dad's business...that's after my real job on Monday. Sweet..again. My sibs and I had to take over his business. Did I mention this? It's been an ass kicker and a good learning experience...not much of a stretch as we grew up surrounded by it and my mother, even with her growing dementia is able to be a resource when we are stuck and unsure of how things are done. Interestingly enough she remembers how to operate all financials. Thankfully.

So that's my life. Never a dull moment. The anxiety is killer. The no sleep is killer. And I wonder why I can't have babies. I can't remember a time when there wasn't some kind of stress. It's exhausting. And the other day, as I left the nursing home, a thought came to me; why? Why would I want to bring someone into this world full of all this crazy ass suffering? How fucking selfish am I? But I guess we're all selfish, or most of us, as most of us do it. It would bring me joy and I guess that's what life is about. Just enjoying the little joys. It's what keeps us going and not drowing in our shit. Finding things that make life fulfiling and worthwhile. The thought of children does that for me.

Life's whirlwinds

So right before we left on our trip my father had gone into the hospital with a blood clot in his arm that caused it to swell to ridiculously large proportions. We thought he'd go in and that would be the end but apparently it triggered more damage to what had already occurred with the stroke and the dude began to hallucinate and become violent, was put on psychiatric meds and ultimately transferred to a nursing home where he is now. The hallucinations for the most part have subsided. When I tell you this is so unlike my father I cannot even explain. My father is one of those people who never gets their feathers ruffled...Never..Ever. Have never seen him explode in anger or yell a day in his life. When he's going to be an asshole to you he does it in a calm collected, piss you off even more way. It was needless to say a stressful trip as we'd left my younger sibling here alone with the situation and they were starting to unravel under the pressure. We visited him the same night we got in and the yesterday as well and he is so not the same but that's life I suppose. He's a skeleton and when we visited him yesterday he had just finished puking his guts out. We're hoping to get his new apartment set up as soon as the tenants move out though they're taking their sweet fucking time. On top of this his brother came in from the country he's from and he stopped by my mom's yesterday. I saw he was wearing my father's favorite baseball cap which pissed me off as last time he left with a brand new pair of my father's shoes. It seems everyone tries to take advantage of whatever situation they can. The women that are caring for him are not excluded from this, at least the overnight person seems to be. The day person seems to be excellent and I'm hoping this isn't all just an optical illusion.

As far as the trip went there's nothing much to say. Everyone was kind, everyone was broke. We gave out as much money to whichever family members seemed to need it the most but it's never really enough. What do you do? I would like to send my cousin Vanessa some money though it's awkward. She asked to borrow a few thousand from me earlier this year and I sent it to her with her promising to get it back to me this December which doesn't look likely. I'll send her some for Christmas though I know it'll never be the amount she needs. The economy over there is ridiculous really...what do you do? Aside from all that mess and I won't mention the gossip pool they've got rolling over there, we were stressed and quiet the entire trip knowing that my father over here was not well and my sib was falling apart. When we landed I could have kissed the fucking dirty ground I was so relieved and I slept the sleep of death on the cab ride home as I hadn't slept peacefully the whole trip...just an hour or two at a pop.

Ohhh, I almost forgot, I went to see a psychic over there who said without a cleansing she didn't foresee me having any children or a marriage as someone had cursed me. Now I believe in psychics but this chick seemed to just be looking for $$ so I don't believe it...can't believe it. She said more about a spirit of a little girl floating around me trying to get to me but mostly I had to lead her in the right direction and I've been to my share where you don't have to say shit so..that was that. It was kind of scary as I'd never gone to a potions type of person but ... Whatever. Life is life and my thoughts are I'll try to make mine what I want and if it doesn't work out so be it.

In a few weeks I go see the new doctor. I'm scared she won't take me. I was doing comparison success rates between that clinic and my old one but one of them used percentages and the other used fractions and Lord help me if I can try to figure it out. I did what I could mentally with my underutilized math and it seems like the new clinic has much better percentage rates but really I guess it's all up to God and the fates. Time will tell.

I'm tired from all of this but feel like I accomplished something just getting through it. I'm sure there's more to come and we'll see what that is.

Shit

I've been feeling more emotional lately. I actually broke down at the Korean food market in front of one of my sibs which is so unlike me I can't even tell you. My mom's old neighbor was there. She is like a grandmother to us or more to D really and I love her though I could probably do a better job showing it. She looks terrible. I looked at her and actually saw what she would like look in her casket; that's what she looked like. I broke down...I had trouble just speaking to her as it broke my heart too much really. I keep her savings in an account in my name and I just told her to stop saving any more money as she has too much in there (about 20K). She told me it's just in case something happens...code for in case I die. I told her it's more than enough for what she would need. She told me okay that she wouldn't put more away. Heartbreaking talk. Just heartbreaking. A kinder soul you'd never meet and she's been through too much in her life, lost her 3 little girls when they were all young...I don't know how she's not still howling at the moon in pain and agony really.

Today is my father's birthday. He is in the hospital. Also saddens me. He's not who he once was. It seems everyone is falling apart and pretty soon there'll be no family left except for the sibs as they're all just falling apart.

Looming in the background of all of this is my babies that don't exist. Yesterday someone came to my job with a 2 week old little baby who was just precious. The woman, who probably thought I was a complete loon, let me hold him. He was beyond sweet and I held him for as long as didn't appear crazy. She had 3 other kids and had stabbed the baby's father the day before. Awesome. This is my life. I get to see all the crack head criminals with their babies that they will ultimately introduce into the system, and I stand to the side and get bupkis. Awesome. But that's life I suppose and who the fuck am I?

So I'm feeling a bit sad and tomorrow I leave to visit my family and confirm my cousin's daughter in Puerto Rico. I'm half Puerto Rican on my mother's side. I'm there for 5 days with my older sib and with D. D is having a hard time with all of this and I'm scared of what will actually happen when my mom's neighbor dies (D calls them every morning) or when my father goes though I don't think my father will go in the immediate future, or when my mother goes as I have the feeling that she will go suddenly...just a hunch....what the frick do I know really?

I read a quote today about people not realizing that there's not that much time and it so resonated with me. My old therapist used to say that I was living the unlived life and though I don't completely agree with her it's haunted me always. The thing I keep thinking is that I spent so much time feeling shy, insecure, not good enough, not woman enough that I did neglect large parts of my life. The part where you throw some caution to the wind and try out some guys and the baby part. I should have done all of this when I was younger. Even now I don't try with men. It's the not feeling woman enough, or good enough. Mattie at work made me a feel a bit better this week. One of the guards at work has a crush on me and every time I see him he says something to me. He's gross btw. I tell Mattie and ask her if I'm being too pick and I know she'll shoot straight as she's from the complete hood and she says, "What!? You're out of his league. What is he thinking?" Made me feel better. Sometimes I worry that I've been too picky and hence ended up with nothing but in truth I think that the people who were interested in me weren't good enough and I knew it...except for asshole but asshole too really. Oh well. I could deal with no man, it's the no baby thing that is just killing me. Shit.

Anyhow, that's my life in a nutshell. Lexie will be staying with Tess here at the condo which I hope works out...hope Lexi loves Tess enough as she's used to a million hugs a day. I'm a typical insane dog owner but it's all I have really. So that's that. I'm hoping my trip is fun at least a little. Hope I get to sit by the hotel pool with a cocktail at least once. Just need a little peace...just a little.

Catching up

I've been hanging on in therapy. I was going to quit..as usual..but we've begun delving into some shit from the past and I think it's something I've needed to do for some time. We've talked about the abusive shit with my parents, which I frankly never considered that horrific, but when you verbalize crap it really wakes you up and makes you realize how crazy it really was. The therapist was shocked which frankly shocked me but there it is. She said something that was interesting to me as my mother, who spent countless years in therapy herself, always mentioned her therapist saying; I'm shocked you turned out so well. Sends chills down my spine that my therapist uttered these exact words. Anyhow, the past is the past and childhood for most people is traumatic, at least in my opinion. So I'm hanging in hoping to exorcise some of these demons from my soul.

I'm more settled with the aspect of taking care of my part of my father's business and though it's exhausting, I also find it somewhat fun. It's dealing with people, buying shit, negotiating..exhausting but it's good and I like the fact that I'm learning as I go along. I find though that the more settled with it that I become the more my thoughts return to the baby making thing. My therapist in a round about way pointed out that my chances of having a baby are not good and normally, I would make some witty sarcastic remark such as "Harvard, right"? but really, it's painful. I haven't given up hope but it's less and less as time goes by and it's this sick sinking feeling in my stomach...not good.

So this is the plan: Go to the appointment in December and see what the doctor at the new place says. If she takes me, I'll just go with what she says, asking first if IUI is even worth considering going back to and if not do the donor egg. If the chick who offered me the eggs has any left, I'll try those too. If whatever I do doesn't work, then I take a year off, get lap band and try to pay off as much of my egg donor shit as possible, lose as much as possible and get back on that horse next year. That's the plan for now. I'm not even ready for that plan but it is what it is. How I'll manage driving into the city for treatment if they accept me is beyond me but I've got a good amount of sick time and vacation time, about 4 months worth (yes hoarding time for my imaginary maternity leave) and we'll take it from there.

I just have to add that I'm sick of seeing baby shit, maternity shit, pregnancy shit, parenting shit, hearing people talk about their friggin kids...sick of it. It's like a knife to the chest each time or more like the eyeball or maybe it's a combo as it just makes me feel like howling at the moon and crying my eyes out and that's as good as a description of the feeling as I can get.

today

My father came home yesterday from the nursing home. I have such mixed feelings about our relationship after all of this; shit that haunts me at night. It's so weird really. I had been going every day to visit him as I'd mentioned in an earlier post and today was the first day that I didn't. I feel okay about it. I've cried over his situation these past few weeks and that has been confusing; the feeling of sadness and I've tried to work this out in my head but really, it's just a little clear. I am not going to even begin to try and explain it as it would take too much effort to even try to sort it out in my mind let alone put it on paper. I'm okay with it...as confusing and uncomfortable with it as it feels I accept.

I spoke to the therapist chick last night. A little about the father thing, a little about the sibling thing, a little about the weight thing and a little about the baby thing. She said something to me that's hung with me all day today...she was talking about having seen a doctor who put her on a special diet and though she didn't need to lose weight she ended up losing weight...then she said "I lost a little but of course you have a lot to lose". She went on to try and give me tips on what to eat...she suggested...drum roll please....carrot sticks. Now, you see? This is what I love about therapist (not)...they try to be everything...and what I need is a therapist. I politely said to her as she went on about the carrot sticks, celery, and other such shit, that perhaps if I was going to get suggestions on food I should speak to a nutritionist...she agreed...holy shit is all I can say...man...amateurs! I continue to see her as she's making me think but she said something else that was telling...I mentioned OA and she said, "what's that", I said, Overeaters Anonymous, and she said, never heard of it....holy shit (did I say that already...yes, yes I believe I did) fuck. I'm going to take another angle next time...I'm going to talk about the feelings related to my eating rather than my eating...you know, the disease rather than the symptom..see if we get somewhere. ..*sigh*..

Speaking of...I haven't gone to see the Canadians since I began seeing this chick as Tuesday is this ladies only available day and the same day as OA and in truth it's probably better that I change meetings. I was doing nothing with these ladies but going through the motions and I want to try again to a better attended meeting, get a sponsor and really give it a shot...the problem is finding the time...but we'll have to try to work something out. I'm going back to WW on Sunday with D but it's not enough. I need something to kick my ass down the road to losing weight and deep inside I feel like it's a losing battle and really no pun intended...I mean how else do you express this. I just feel defeated.

My cousin called me today about being her daughter's confirmation sponsor this coming November which means I have to fly over to where they live (Island and no not in the states)...don't want to but can't say no and I already bought a dress as I knew the shit was coming. Oh well...there goes another thousand or so bucks and more stress.. I wonder sometimes if stress ever stops long enough for you to really catch your breath or if it's like one of those torture shits where they dunk your head over and over in the bucket and you just get quick gasps in between each dunk...at least that's how it feels sometimes...quick gasps and a bit more torture.

Anyhow that's what's up with today. All this shit flying through my brain and flying through my life and me just trying to take real quick steps to keep up with it all and not get tripped up by all the shit that brings me down...all the babies around me the pregnant bellies, the time flying by making me older bringing me further and further away from the babies I want...

Enough really

When I was seeing the acupuncturist, she told me about her fight with infertility and about her son who was born via donor egg. She mentioned that when she was having difficulty conceiving she had this thing where she hated Meryl Streep who was pregnant and pushing out babies with some sort of ease...any ol' way whether this was true or just her perception I find myself struggling to get through the day with all these mind fields of baby shit surrounding me. I'm just so fucking tired, and I mean fucking tired of all the fucking baby shit, baby commercials, people announcing pregnancies, announcing births, documenting milestones on fucking facebook, baby showers, baby fucking christenings, pregnant people, actual babies (who in truth I love to see any ol' way..can't help it really)....but really, I've had enough. On top of that shit I just received a text message from a cousine in Puerto Rico whose daughter wants me to be her Godmother for confirmation....4 offer to be a Godmother this month and people, I have a Godchild...haven't seen him in years and only send him checks every holiday out of guilt = I'm not a good Godparent...I just feel awkward about the whole thing..don't ask me why. In general, I'm just sick of all this shit...just want to have my own child already or adopt a baby... I'm just so tired of all these reminders of babies everywhere...and if I ever do have one...I'm not going to post that shit everywhere...just in consideration of those still trying. Anyhow, I'm tired already so I'm off...just wanted to get that off my chest.

whacked out on the weekend as usual

I don't know what it is about the weekends that drives me crazy but it happens each and every time. I think it's a combination of having too much time to think about my own shit and too much time spent with the crazy familia. Today was fine though I woke up at the crack of ass. I really don't understand how people sleep in every weekend though I envy them as it must feel blissful. It just never happens for me...well...once a few weeks back I slept until 11 but not straight sleep of course but it was still good. Other than that it's crack of ass every day. Anyhow, it went fine until around noon when my sibling, who was going to come use the pool in my complex was texting, texting , and texting me. Fine. They says they're bringing my mother with them. Fine. They say that most likely the mother would be in and out of my house a trillion times for the bathroom...ummm..yeah, No. There's a bathroom in the clubhouse I say. They call me a few minutes later angry saying listen, there's no bathroom in the clubhouse, they're standing right there and there's nothing. Now I'm fucking pissed because this immediately upsets me...their tone I mean. So I say, "of course there's a fucking bathroom as I've been in it so don't tell me there isn't one". Why are you cursing at me they say? "Because you have an attitude and I don't need my whole fucking day ruined with it just because you decide to bring mom. Look to the right, there's a staircase going down, exactly where I told you it was and there's the bathroom". Oh, okay. I see it. Now this is typical of this sibling. Any little hiccup and they cop an attitude and the whole world has to be miserable with them. This is the same sibling who can't stand my mother, can't stand to be with her for a minute so gives her an attitude and everybody else falls in line. It's a weird phenomena that happens whenver this sib is around..they can be poison and you have to limit your time with them and beware of how they may influence you. Anyhow, I had offered all of the sibs to use the pool though I realize this too often comes with a price.  Not so much my younger sib but the older one is trouble. The younger one makes themselves scarce...can't really say I blame them... It ruined my afternoon.

I've been funking all weekend over the baby thing. Whenever it feels like I have it under some semblance of control, some small thing upset the apple cart. The whole egg donor thing did it for me. I've been sad about it and anxious about it. I have a feeling it's going to just be a huge financial disaster for me that will yield me nothing, and I'm not much of a gambler..but alas, I have no choice really. I would kick myself if I didn't try it. If there's anything to freeze..I'll have to see how I feel but for now I'm leaning that the frozens will have to be for Z to try out in her uterus for size..that is if there are any. That's the plan today anyway. When the time comes we'll see where I'm at. If there are none to freeze, I'll save my money and pay down my debt as quickly as I can and start again. Shit.

Anyhow, it's killing me this baby thing. It was interesting that when I went to the doctor this pay week she asked me if perhaps the pain was psychosomatic; that perhaps it was a result of trying so hard for a baby. I considered this for a second but no, the pain isn't psychsomatic...it's real unfortunately..she determined what it was at the end but it was an interesting thought nonetheless; that all this pain was a result of infertility. Now the pain in my heart...the crazies running through my head..those, yes, are a result of no babies.

I wrote this in two part by the way and earlier when I'd started I felt like shit...just a bit obsessive and heartsore but I feel a little better after having a nice conversation with my mother... A nice conversation with my mother is always an accomplishment; always a blessing of sorts as they're so rare. But it happened and I needed it and I'm grateful. We talked about nothing really. The gossip about town. Gossip about the family on my father's side, gossip about whoever the fuck she'd talk about. Safe topics that didn't hurt and I left feeling like I got away before I hurt her feelings and before she hurt mine. It was good.

And now the week begins and we'll see what it brings. Oh, I got nothing in the mail from the doctor though I'd anticipated that it would have arrived by Saturday. I was disappointed and relieved all at once. It should be here tomorrow and we'll see exactly what it brings..

Cough, cough, sick

I called out today. Why? Because frankly, I didn't want to go in. I'm tired of hearing people griping, and on top of that there was a case in court today that I didn't want to attend...shit happens. I felt guilty for a minute and then I said fuck it. All the bitches call out left and right and today, I did it. I used to say I hardly ever call out sick but I don't know how true that is anymore. I probably call out, maybe every 3-4 months...maybe 3 or 4 times a year...for me this is a lot. Who cares. The bottom line is my body is killing me (all joints..thank you very much) and I don't want to hear Kay whining or put up with anybody's attitude. Love Kay, don't love anybody else there really but enough is enough...they're getting on my nerves so I stayed home...yes, though I'm trying not to, I feel a bit, just a teeny bit of guilt. I know tomorrow I'll be facing the slings and arrows of outrageous fortune because of it, especially from the girl I was supposed to go to court with but it's not my case...it's hers but she's being a complete chicken shit and needs to just take care of her own shit. That's it. BTW, no I'm not an attorney...blech.

I slept until 11 which I've only done twice in the past maybe 4 years as I don't ever sleep in...ever..but today, I had to do it, I was tired, Tess was feeling cuddly, and I didn't want to face my thoughts. But really, I've been trying to stop pushing myself so hard. I sleep too little, end up doing too much during the day and then can't function for the evening portion of my days..the time that's most important as it's the part I actually enjoy the most. I spent a large part of the beginning of the day watching those baby shows on TV...bringing home baby or whatever they're called. I love watching them though I cry at the end of each one like a total fool. If I had t-vo or whatever it's called, it'd totally be on my list...for now I only enjoy it on those days I'm off.

I logged onto JCP.com and found that they no longer has a plus size maternity section...mothereffers... Pissed as they had the most normal looking clothes of all the sites...who knows if I'll ever need it but I'm a planner... Anyhow, watching those shows today makes me both hopeful and feeling a sense of desperation. A feeling like it'd be great to have a baby but also brings home the realization that it just might not happen. One couple, same sex, had a round of triplets and then were now going in for their twins...it was awesome but not something I'd particularly want. Two would be my limit I think. Anyhow, enough babble, Just wanted to touch base.

You feel what you feel

I'm having one of those days. It's the kind of day where you wake up too sensitive for anything really and I had to delete one of the blogs I follow. I've found that this happens too often for me..when their dreams have come true and I can't stand to read it because deep inside my chest there is a little voice that speaks the truth too loudly, that tells me most likely, this dream will not be mine. Is this pessimistic? I think more realistic.. In truth my brutal honesty is a way I both protect myself and slowly torture myself...the feeling that if I don't build up the hope it'll hurt less but really, I've found that the feeling is still devastating..whether you expected it or not. So today, one more blog got hidden for lack of my capability to figure out how to delete it entirely. It's weird really; there are some people who have a baby and it doesn't bother me at all..in fact I follow a blog where they had a little boy and nothing but joy there in my heart..really. But some people, who didn't struggle or appeared not to, not so much. I even had to get rid of one chick who struggled like a mother effer, had a preemie and actually blogged about how upsetting it is to have missed the last few months of pregnancy. I get it, I get that you didn't get the whole thing and your baby is sick but that you missed the last few months of pregnancy...but listen, let's get our shit straight and focus on the half full.

I have a friend on facebook. I met her as she was/is trying to conceive with donor sperm, though she's married. She has only done ICSI and has to space it out until her and her hubby can save up the pennies for each try. I would never dare bitch to anyone how my insurance sucks and poor me that I only got to try ICSI 3 times and IVF 4 times on my insurance's dime....I'll bitch there's not baby for me, no husband or partner for me, that I'll bitch about, but let's get a little perspective on what people miss out on...a few months of pregnancy and your baby is struggling to live...I'd bitch about the struggling to live part..not the missed months of pregnancy. Shit. But that's me and how I feel, and she feels what she feels, and really, who the fuck am I? Nobody...but I delete them so they don't aggravate the crap out of me.

I've been obsessing lately about what other people got, what I didn't get, shit at work and all kinds of stuff. I think it's because my period is coming and this was the last week of work for the layed off people (Asshole) who I promised myself I would not obsess about, ask about, talk about, et cetera but...and this is not one of those "everything after but is bullshit"...this is a legitimate but...Diana came over and told me Asshole information. Asshole will be working where my sibling D spends D's day. Not only did Diana mention this but yesterday while speaking to a friend she mentioned him, him losing the job, where he was going, and how he and Pface had a baby...said it 3 times to me as if I was old and deaf and then asked me if I heard her, and no I wasn't asking any questions...she was more or less going down a list....it's like he haunts me I swear. So...I'm putting these few words about it here and then I have to stop. No more! No more as it's just too hard and it's too hard for me to realize the extent of my obsessive thoughts and to know that, like any other woman, I'm human to falling prey to the wiles of a man and the fantasies we make up in our heads. In truth, I know it would have never worked out. I have a penchant for losers and perhaps it's a blessing that I'm single..Who knows. Only God I suppose.

So that's it for now. It's raining like hell here and I'd originally had plans to go to Jersey for a barbecue but that's out the window. Fine, fine. Didn't want to go any ol' way.

Crazy: Part......Uhh..Crazy.period.

Feeling discombobulated today..just out of sorts really like I'm crawling out of my skin. Feels similar to when I was first sick with the big C when you feel your body is going to turn itself inside out...I called it "the irritables" at the time and every once in a while, if my meds aren't right...I get them. Today I have them and really, it's my own fault...I lost a bottle of pills and had been taking the wrong dose for 2 weeks and finally started back on the right dose this past week. Not good. But that's not what's making me feel crazy..

A few weeks back....maybe about a month ago or there abouts...I mailed back the questionnaire regarding the embryo selection...that in itself, wrapping my head around that, was hard....compounding that, I haven't heard anything. I go to the mailbox every day waiting for something and of course I get bupkis..nothing..nada.. I got a bill from them today which I was expecting as I have about $15K of checks sitting here on my dresser. I'm thinking tomorrow or Wednesday I'll take a ride out there during my lunch and drive them over...I'll just ask for a half hour extra as the place is a bit far, and I have to endorse them so don't feel comfortable just mailing them. Anyhow...it's driving me crazy, and I know this is irrational but you feel what you feel, ..I feel abandoned. I feel like they (the clinice) really don't care and in truth I know they care as much as you can when you have a million clients. I've been there before, having worked in human services most of my life...you care when they're in front of you and that's human and most of the time you forget who they are..that's normal when you have large volumes of clients..that's life..but it still stings more than a little and it's harder because I'm alone I think...maybe it's just as hard if you're in a relationship but it feels harder because I'm doing this alone with no family support and just support (great support btw) from my friends. So it's making me a little crazy, even making me doubt my doctor, my clinic, it's not good. I feel crazy. On top of that I was exhausted coming home from work and tried napping but Tess won't let me sleep deep, keeps pawing at me, so I was in twilight sleep, woke up in a fog with the irritables. Drank a glass and a bit of wine which helped a little but still feel just this inner feeling of crazy.

Work hasn't helped much as though I'd never admit this...I'm having lulls...lulls where there's either little to do or I don't want to do what there is, and then at other times, we're moving at the speed of light..it's like a bipolar work environment. Kay has also been driving me crazy though I love her to pieces..I just am impatient lately and today she was just too loud and I'm crabby and that does not mix. Tomorrow I have to go out on an assignment with her and I'm not thrilled by it. I just want to sit home really but when I'm here Tess is driving me crazy. It's not that she wants more than the average but she is a bit spoiled or maybe not, and wants attention and even after I give her some she wants more and when she doesn't..I'm feeling guilty that she laying there bored. I take Tess everywhere with me except for work, OA, and doctor's appointments...I even take her to weight watchers sometimes because I feel guilty leaving her at home. She actually threw a fit yesterday when I went into a store and left her in the car...mind you I left the car and a/c running while I ran in but she threw a hissy fit stomping her feet...not attractive...snorted and everything..love her though..but I digress..she's getting on my nerves. I don't know what I want really. Just want to feel at peace.

I don't call the clinic, though I know I should already, because I don't want to hear what's next in my life and that, my friends, is the truth. I don't want to get someone else's eggs, sync myself up with this person, inject myself again to no end, and finally I don't want another negative friggin pregnancy stick. What I do want is to turn my brain off for a few days, maybe even weeks or month, and just tap out of this; tap out of the feeling of craziness, the feeling that I'll never be a woman, never be a mother, never be satisfied with my life, my body, my career, my anything without a child. If you'd of told me this in my 20's, when I swore I'd never want any, I would have said you were crazy..but alas, who's crazy now? Me...feeling unravelled for too long...my life in a seemingly never ending limbo.

I'm thinking, sometime this week, I'll take a day off or half a day or something. Just stay home and chill out. Maybe tomorrow I'll leave early. Thursday I have to take D to the doctors so I'll be going taking a few hours off from work in the morning as I take D after work and don't want Tess home alone for that long. Guilt guilt guilt...I hear people leaving their dogs with no problem, and I never thought I'd be so whatever you want to call this but then again, I have never had a dog as a single person living alone and I just don't think it's fair so...guilt wins.

Anyhow, enough of my insane babbling...I'll contact the clinic in some fashion this week. Not looking forward to it..really dreading it actually. Oh well.

Trying

I spent most of the day indoors today doing nothing really but watching crime tv....watched until I couldn't take it anymore and then showered went to my mother's, argued a bit with her over shit she wants me to do that I don't want to, read the paper, and went out with the siblings to Walmart and then for a late dinner at a "Chili's" type place. I'm trying, trying to regroup, to feel better, to just feel normal but I can't seem to make my way out of the house without bumping into a pregnant person or a child or to just hear the screaming/crying of a child and I myself find myself wanting to scream and cry and throw my own sort of tantrum at the insanity and hopelessness I feel in my heart and in my whole body really. I don't want to see kid's toys, kid's clothes, ads for baby shit, anything related to what I dream about and of course, it's impossible. It's literally life and I can't seem to find a comfortable place in it. Staying indoors isn't helping my mental state...it makes me feel more alone and more isolated than I've been feeling lately if that's possible. Just feeling like I don't belong and feeling so resentful. I really am and though I'm trying not to, trying not to be mad at God and the universe, the Fates or what have you, I am mad, I'm bitter, and I hate the feeling, and I can't help but wonder if there really is something controlling destiny...maybe this is all just me begging nobody for anything. I don't usually share those feeling because I know they're terrible but sometimes they creep into my thoughts...that it's just luck of the draw what happens and what doesn't. I don't know. I don't like to think about that.
In the meantime, I'm trying to focus once again on my weight and on just being healthier; making healthier choices...something that I at least have some semblance of control over. I lost control of the eating sometimes...part of the whole problem in a nutshell I suppose. I continue going to OA though I was pissed last week when nobody else showed though I did most of the meeting on the phone until the only caller hung up...I just picked up my shit and hightailed. it. I'm trying. Next week I'm starting WW again for the billionth time.
That's it. My life in a nutshell for today. Just trying to live it and not fall apart, not self destruct which is easier said than done. A part of me wants to eat what I want, drink like a fish and smoke like a chimney..I won't. At least not today.

Shitty....(yes, yes, witty I know)

I'm feeling shitty today as you may have guessed. I was back at the grind and was only overwhelmed momentarily by the humongous pile of mail on my desk and it's not the kind you can just skim....I actually have to read each line looking for certain shit in there...if you saw the piles you'd cry. Thankfully one of the other chicks (who is supposed to pick up my slack in my absence) had actually stepped up and read a pile commenting holy shit you get a ton of mail..no shit. So work was fine...there was the usual email full of greek gobbledy gook that I don't understand and a bit of the normal chaos but nothing outstanding which usually means we'll get the backlash the next day...that's how my job is...if it ain't crazy on a Monday just wait for it as it's coming. Any ol' how I was talking to Kay about my 5 little embryos in my belly or whatever is left of them. Each time I go to the bathroom and wipe (yes, tmi but oh well), I think, did I just wipe away my baby? Probably. I have this pit in my stomach that it just won't happen and I asked Kay twice now to repeat what the doctor said...that they're all 6 and 8 cells with no fragments which I know is just a bit of an increase to my odds but I need reassurance that the odds were better this time.  I have this overwhelming feeling of melancholia...not depression where you feel like life is hopeless but this deep sadness in the very core of me...this ache really...just grasping at the last strings of hope...so emotionally painful. I'm supposed to go see the Canadians tomorrow but don't think I can....just don't want the questions ...too much I tell you...just too much for me. I go Friday to the doctor for my test...it wouldn't be so bad if I could have the weekend to regroup but a weekend where I have to interact with my family seems like it might put me over the edge. I want to scream at the frustration of the situation and I think, Why? Why did I wait so long to do this shit? Why did I have to be so scared? There is nothing to fear in this life yet I'm always running scared and I think why the fuck did I have to be such a chicken waiting for some man that wasn't coming to rescue me and give me the support I never really needed except in the fairy tails swimming in my fucking head? I should have tried a year after I got the cancer clearance...but alas I didn't and I have to move forward with this one regret hanging in my life. Too painful really. These stupid celebrities making it seem like we have forever when we don't...why do we buy into their bullshit hype. Don't know.

Later this same day....
I don't know why I can't seem to pull myself up today. Though I'm not necessarily feeling like I'm unraveling per se I just am in somewhat of a funk...perhaps preparing myself for Friday in a way...a premature mourning...trying to protect myself ..as usual. I just want this whole fight to be over...just for someone to either give me my gift or chop me off at the knees already..it's such a torturous limbo to live in..not knowing if what you are living is a pipe dream or not. I thank God for Kay as I'd never would have been able to hang in here for this long...she's my main support which is pretty pathetic but there it is. I'm playing the crying game tonight and I can't seem to help myself...just need to soothe myself in some way and once again dream of the day when I can sit out on my balcony with either  a glass of wine or a beer and a cigarette and finally exhale from this suspended nightmare. Today at work I felt a flicker of excitement and I had to tamp it down..I can't do this to myself again and would rather go from sad to happy than from happy to sad...status quo is fine but I don't want to plummet...just can't keep plummeting month after month. Oh well...this is all out of my hands and I guess I have no choice but to let go and let God and see what the future brings. I read a quote someone wrote yesterday that said God never says no, His answer is Yes, Not Yet, or I have something better for you...hope this is true though can't imagine better. Have to trust and keep the Faith. As they say in "the rooms" thanks for letting me share. These posting have so helped me just unload.
BTW, I wanted to post that I have been having few if any symptoms...only small sharp pains which I believe are a result of the progesterone as they seem familiar from last time. No sore boobs or none of the other fake pregnancy crap I've usually gotten which is good.

"D"

So Friday "D" called me and sounded super upset on the phone and when asked explained that one of the workers at the day program who is a job coach and trying to find work for "D" told "D" not to waste her time if "D" really wasn't interested....so of course "D" obsessed over it all weekend and I must have heard at least a dozen time..Gem, can you call her, you gonna call her..Monday you gonna call? So today I coincidentally get a call from "D"'s case manager and I bring up the topic with her "off the record" and she thankfully agrees that this worker seems to not only be going too fast but is a 'bad match' for "D" and said she'd call. Thank you God! but I went ahead and emailed the chick any ol' way as I had promised "D" I'd have contact and I try never to break my promises to "D". It took every ounce of my being not to tell her off but I didn't..I kindly asked her to try and collaborate with me to ensure "D" has a positive experience while trying to gain employment. I wanted to rip her a new one though...over-reaction? Perhaps.. but this is just one of many assholes "D" has had to put up with and "D" loves day program...it's the first time in their life they aren't tortured by peers and I just need this chick to get it together. I know some would say call the director but this would only inevitably lead down to some type of ostrasization of "D"...and hey,I get it..I have coworkers and clients too and coworkers, in normal work places anyway, stick together and clients come and go so instead I shut my mouth and politely ask for collaboration to work together to keep this a positive experience..BITCH! ..no I omitted the bitch but I wanted to. Chick is pregnant (of course) any way so she'll be out of there soon with her know-it-all 25 year old self. 'Wasting her time'..who really says this to a disabled person who drools, rocks, hears voices, has a severe speech impediment, can't tie their shoes or zipper themselves... really chick..I'll give you whatever $10 bucks you feel "D"'s wasted in your life..for crying out loud...don't mess with my "D"! Ugh!! Anyhow, felt the need to vent this out. I have no babies but I got my "D" which is pretty close and I've heard people say they are like a lion defending their cub when it comes to parenting but for me it's beyond that..I am a dragon when it comes to that kid..Or as one of my siblings once said to me when she saw me in action when the school was messing with "D"...they said Oh my God Gem, you're an animal! Yeah, well.. pick on someone your own size. Pissed me off this weekend and made me more angry today having the case worker agree that she'd seen the same dysfunction. Ugh.

Mood swings

The day went easier than I thought...much better than last week's day in East Jabib that's for sure. Interviewed a slew of people which really is unnecessary..we should just ask for a resume and to have them sit for 3 minutes as that's how long it takes to make up your mind...then again my boss always has ulterior motives for hiring people so ..
Anyhow, was feeling good about myself today, somewhat productive though I'll admit am concerned about my lack of energy..will try and go to the doctor for blood work as I'm sure it's all fucked up..as usual. I tell you this whole cancer shit really fucked up my body and I can't help but think it's impacting the fertility thing but who knows...what I do know is that I'm having trouble absorbing different vitamins and it's been going on for too long and I'm too tired and though I've been taking the sublingual b-12 I know I have to bite the bullet and just go in to get my shots..sucks. Anyhow I was feeling okay like I said and log onto facebook. My real reason for going online tonight was to do some research on accupuncture and it's benefits with trying to conceive but I am a get distracted type of person and of course digressed into a different area. I log on and it seems like everyone is pregnant or had a baby or some such thing...3 at one time..2 pregnancies and one baby and I am by no means one of those people with a trillion facebook friends..I have my modest 100+ that's it. So it got me down a bit. I just ..well..I think it'd be ridiculous to mention what I was..what's the focus of this blog if not to whine about not having a baby. It's not whining really and I need to cut myself a break. I think most women...want a baby..it's natural to want a baby and a family so I'm just doing what's natural and boy is it painful not to be able to do it. I'm trying again this month...going to try the accupuncture I think..don't have a positive feeling but gotta keep trying. Gotta keep my chin up, keep the faith, and all that other good stuff you're supposed to say or tell yourself or believe or whatever.

Money

Tess was sick today. Sick that she wouldn't eat and this isn't the first time this has happened. Last time I believe the grand total for a weekend of vet bills was about $4K..yes that's $4,000..so today when Tess ignored her food, ignored her favorite..peanut butter and other faves..I began to sweat...no peeing, no pooping, no eating and I thought to myself.. please Tess, please don't get sick right now when I have the car repair guaranteed to be at least $2,400 and I've got medical bills coming and I almost emptied my savings..please Tess. At around 8:30 I gave her a pill that helps with nausea and stimulates her appetite..the last of the pills left over from when she was sick...she ate..thank God. She is now happily chewing on a bully stick and acting normal. The worst part of having a teeny tiny dog is that they're so fragile...I didn't know she'd be teeny tiny when I got her...figured she'd be about 10 pounds...nope...half of that with a super sensitive stomach and an allergy to certian meat..can you imagine!? Ugh...that was another $6k to figure out..I've in total spent approximately $12k just getting this dog healthy and she's not even healthy she's just okay for now...but I love her so..what's a girl to do and she's all I've got for now so..
I took my other baby..my truck ..to the shop tonight and dropped her off..had the "check blah blah blah" light go on last night on top of whatever is wrong with her and the signal also just broke...the poor thing is falling apart but alas I've ridden her hard. She's been my sad car...a car I purchased getting over asshole; a poor attempt to cheer myself up and one I couldn't quite afford at the time...a car that saw me through all my cancer treatments, and going back and forth to graduate school when I should have been laying in bed, and getting lost when my memory was affected and all the trauma with "D" and now this..my long drives to the fertility clinics in the morning at the crack of ass ..the car has seen me through some of the worst parts of my life as an adult and it's taken a licking and kept on ticking..a good rough truck..who by the way my sibling informed me last night I was too "old" to be driving...yeah yeah so says the person who's never purchased their own car in their life and still drives one purchased by their Pappy! please. Anyhow, am hoping they can really fix it and that I don't have to buy another car..I can't buy another car right now..just want to focus on getting pregnant and I need all my pennies for that. Just read somewhere tonight that I can deduct the sperm purchases on my taxes though I think it's only if it equals a certain amount of what you earn per year...I'm going to try and look into it though as every bit counts.
Anyhow, in for a long day tomorrow as there are a slew of interviews we are doing back to back tomorrow...fun fun...and whoever gets the job will probably still be employed while the lot of us hauling ass get lay offs..hope not but time will tell. Truthfully, there's a part of me that doesn't even care about that..just give me my baby..I'll work at Mickey Dees and make it work just give me my baby..

Walking, praying, and talking to myself

Just came back from a walk with Tess...just around the complex. Said my prayers on my way around..just felt like crying and I started a conversation with the Big Guy in order to avoid waterworks and decided to make it official and say all my prayers. Was a little worried that someone would see me talking to myself but my need to beg overrode any fear that the neighbors would think I had lost it. I've taken to just pleading with God for help with this...it's a desperation I've felt at other moments of my life..uncomfortable, and humbling and I just need this pain to end; I need for this to happen for me. I fear that perhaps I want it too desperately to happen..that I'll drive myself to an emotionally distraught state that will contribute to my difficulty in conceiving and I tellyou, my job ain't helping. Really..how can you go to a million meetings in a week, make a million lists of shit for different people, have piles and piles of mail to read, and actually get your work done...how does this happen? I don't know. I can't even get to the mail part of it...it's too much..just too much work and I see the other supervisor..the one from "the incident" chilling all day doing nothing..literally doing nothing..but really, who gives a fuck..I'm just trying to do me and focus on what I have to do and not lose it. It's easier for me when Mattie is there. I don't know if it's because she's older or because she's black and 'street' that people tend not to mess with me when she's in the office. This isn't in my head as I mentioned it to Kay who said she'd noticed this to be true too, that people don't mess with me when she's there...actually tend to not come into my office..love it!!.. She's not menacing in any way you just know she won't take your shit..don't know how I know this you just do. She is very helpful to me emotionally and I feel protected with her there with me..an odd feeling really that she does this...the poor woman is getting paid literally minimum wage and alternates between a 20 hour week and a 4 hour week..4 hour weeks are hard..this is a 4 hour week. I'm lucky to have her. She reminds me so much of my fairy godmother..though my fairy godmother was never a crack addict..actually was the complete opposite having spent a significant portion of her life in the convent. Anyhow, she came when I needed an Angel and a protector and I felt that right off. Funny how things happen. When she first met me (as a client and no, I don't remember) she said I was a total witch..surprise! and then when she interviewed and saw it was me she said she thought in her head "great, I'm screwed" but that's not how it happened. She didn't realize I was only cold as we interviewed with my boss with whom I'm always cold and standoffish...as soon as she moved into my office..I set her up and she said it was like meeting a different person. Ha ha!! I was protective of her from the jump as my staff thought she was going to be their little slave until I explained she is only there to help me..not them..Mattie was grateful as have I mentioned I work with bitches..and she got this the first day in...actually had a confrontation with one and said "I'll fix her"..I said how? she said, "I'm going to pray for her"..deep huh? Now nobody gives her work but me or she can request work from a few people if she chooses..that's how it goes.. Truth is she really sucks as a helper. She does stamp in my mail and alphabetize it though I use the term alphabetize loosely...oh well...don't really care. She also has tasks that she refuses to do for me as she simply hates them...don't care. I often think that she's a little blessing sent to help me as she came, like I said, when I needed someone and also helps me with navigating the 12 step process..she has over 20 years clean and sober...though I'll admit I get annoyed with her when she acts greedy or too ghetto, hate the smell of her lotion and I mean hate! and I end up squished in my office having to share with her..I'm the only one who shares but this was my choice... and in truth I have a pretty big office so I'm not really that squished it's just I have a lot of shit so having her in there is sometimes too full. But I couldn't leave her out there exposed to the wolves..not that she can't take care of herself but it would be different fighting styles and these bitches are clever... So there you have it..my story on Mattie.
I've been so teary this week it's been hard to be at work and I have had a million and one things to try and get done. I guess I should be grateful for the distractions. It's just that work is so unpleasant. One of the girls approached me today on an innocent comment I made yesterday just asked me what my motivation was in sharing with her...duh ass, just to share..when I explained that perhaps I overshared she said that I never share and am always guarded..you think? Hmmm..made one remark and I'm getting cross-examined..can't imagine what it'd be like if I spoke freely. Anyhow, this is just a rant and babble..I know it's not interesting but it's what's floating in my head..Shit, just remember I forgot to buy sperm today..fuck. This is how my mind is lately just air headed..My car goes in the shop Monday and though I've only been without it one day..I miss it terribly. There's nothing like your own car that you know like the back of your hand and mine is an oldie but a goody..people ask me if I don't plan to buy a new one and the only way that'll happen is if a baby is coming then for safety reason it might be a good idea and if you saw my car you'd know what I mean..an old truck and it ain't smooth..love it. Am driving my families old car which drives opposite of mine, like you're floating..but doesn't have working wipers, working radio, and can turn off unexpectedly and sometimes not turn back on so..want my car back..
Okay, enough babbling..
Oh, I have a little crush..not sure I mentioned..saw him yesterday and we spoke briefly..cute..wish I was back to my good weight and then I'd go for it but right now feeling gross..but it's nice to feel like a woman sometimes and lately with the whole body, weight, no baby, et cetera phenomenon..so don't feel like a woman.