Trying

I spent most of the day indoors today doing nothing really but watching crime tv....watched until I couldn't take it anymore and then showered went to my mother's, argued a bit with her over shit she wants me to do that I don't want to, read the paper, and went out with the siblings to Walmart and then for a late dinner at a "Chili's" type place. I'm trying, trying to regroup, to feel better, to just feel normal but I can't seem to make my way out of the house without bumping into a pregnant person or a child or to just hear the screaming/crying of a child and I myself find myself wanting to scream and cry and throw my own sort of tantrum at the insanity and hopelessness I feel in my heart and in my whole body really. I don't want to see kid's toys, kid's clothes, ads for baby shit, anything related to what I dream about and of course, it's impossible. It's literally life and I can't seem to find a comfortable place in it. Staying indoors isn't helping my mental state...it makes me feel more alone and more isolated than I've been feeling lately if that's possible. Just feeling like I don't belong and feeling so resentful. I really am and though I'm trying not to, trying not to be mad at God and the universe, the Fates or what have you, I am mad, I'm bitter, and I hate the feeling, and I can't help but wonder if there really is something controlling destiny...maybe this is all just me begging nobody for anything. I don't usually share those feeling because I know they're terrible but sometimes they creep into my thoughts...that it's just luck of the draw what happens and what doesn't. I don't know. I don't like to think about that.
In the meantime, I'm trying to focus once again on my weight and on just being healthier; making healthier choices...something that I at least have some semblance of control over. I lost control of the eating sometimes...part of the whole problem in a nutshell I suppose. I continue going to OA though I was pissed last week when nobody else showed though I did most of the meeting on the phone until the only caller hung up...I just picked up my shit and hightailed. it. I'm trying. Next week I'm starting WW again for the billionth time.
That's it. My life in a nutshell for today. Just trying to live it and not fall apart, not self destruct which is easier said than done. A part of me wants to eat what I want, drink like a fish and smoke like a chimney..I won't. At least not today.