In my head

I hesitate to write sometimes as I feel I'm just repeating myself and at times if I do go back and read an entry I realize that, damn Gem, you are one obsessive chick. But then I remind myself that I'm writing for me and fuck it if it's a repeat of thoughts...it's what I'm thinking and I never said I was sane or that I wouldn't bore people, including myself, to death.

I have a friend on facebook that I made because we happen to be using the same sperm donor. She's perfectly normal or at least it seems like she is; a rarity really. We talk back and forth though there are periods of silence but it's so nice to be able to talk to someone who is also in the fight. It's her partner trying to have a baby so it's not exactly the same fight and I get the impression that she'd be okay with no baby but she feels the frustration of the dreaded negative, the dreaded 2 week wait, and the disappointment of it all. She mentioned today that at times she had to stop reading the CCB (Calif. Cryo bank) site posts as the rotation of people are no longer the ones we started with and blah blah blah. I so hear that. When I go to the RE's office I no longer recognize anyone I started with. Not a one. I feel like I'm the stranger there amongst all those new people, walking around with that confident air of those who have yet to experience the crushing blow of endless negative pregnancy tests. I want to tell them, settle in for the fight of your life people as it's a fucking jungle but it's not my business and I can't help but wonder if there was someone looking at me in the beginning when I'd walk out with a cheese wiz grin on my face each and every time, encouraged by my doctor's optimism; maybe they were looking at me thinking, you idiot, that shit if far from happening. What a joke. I must have looked like a gullible fool but there it is. And really, in retrospect, they were some of my happiest days in the past several years; days of hope so no regrets. I don't walk out of the examination rooms that way any more. Isn't that funny? I used to walk out, each and every time, with a shit eating grin and I can't tell you when the last time it was that I didn't walk out of there hysterically crying. Even when it's an okay visit I walk out crying as I know, I really do know what the chances of success are. They're not good.

I read that statistically, using donor eggs, the chance is something like 43% regardless of age, though this stat goes down if the eggs are frozen. Scary I think. In my imagination, my fantasy, I have enough donor eggs produced for at least 3 tries..I do the first 2 and then Z tries the last one...that's the fantasy of how it would work though truthfully, even in my head  that doesn't work. Yes, yes, yes, I'm looking at my glass as definitely half empty. I would like to see it as half full but I'm too scared to hope anymore. I'm not sure if it would actually hurt more if I had some hope but at this point why risk it? This amount of pain is unbearable already and even a tiny grain of sand more might tip me so I'll stay on this pessimistic side. So unlike me it's scary.