A Tough Week with Tough Choices

 I finally got the paperwork from Allison. I looked at it backwards and forward as I couldn't believe how simplistic it was. It asked you what race you wanted, and then you had to rate that on a scale of 1-3, 1 being very importan and 3 being not important. Then it asked you how important religion was to you but didn't ask you what religion you wanted, same went for ethnicity, then what color hair, eyes, what body frame, height and that was it. I called Allison and she quickly explained that they'll send me profiles of people that fall in between these categories, you pick, take meds to sync up to the donor and then get inseminated....all in one sentence she explained it in sort of a rush. I was upset. I said to Mattie when I hung up with her...just look how quick someone can explain to you how to make one of the most important decisions in your life...bada-bing bada-boom...done. So I checked off all the shit adding my comments on the side because that's how I roll and taped a pic of myself (as requested) on the stupid form and sent it back. I didn't want to harp on it or have it in my posession any longer. I wanted to add to just send me the shit and I'll pick out my own but I can't burn any bridges at this place and just want to hurry up and get this done with and end my relationship with these people already. I added that the person had to have some college and that art was a plus as everyone in my family is artisitc in some way and we can all sing but I'd rather they have the art bit if at all possible. Really, I felt the form said a big fat, We Really Don't Give A Shit What You Pick SOoooo, Just Pick Anybody You Infertile Loser.  You know when you get the feeling that you're done somewhere? That's how I feel. Just do what you can for me here and cut me loose...really just let me go already. I asked Allison the first time we talked if she thought I was grasping at straws because really I wanted to know, and of course she said, "not at all"...no conversation no nothing...yeah yeah, easy answers. fuck. If it wasn't that I'm at the end of all this shit I'd switch to somewhere else. fuck fuck fuck...so tired really of all of this but not tired enough to just quit already. Gotta stay in this fight til I'm completely down on my knees I guess.

I finally gave away all of the baby clothes Diana had given me...I left myself with a tiny corduroy jacket and  a pair of skechers baby shoes...both too cute to give away. That's all I've kept. The books are next and really I could just bag up my whole condo and throw it in the dumpsters...that's how I feel, like I really don't give a shit about anything. I have thrown in the towel almost completely and this next step only holds a glimmer of hope for me. I'm scared of it and I'm scared of the financial repercussions for me after this. I put about $500 on the card this weekend and another $500 this week for car repairs and a trip to the grocery...I had to send a family member another $2300 last week...this ain't monopoly money folks but what do you do? I don't know. Just tired of it all, tired of it but I have to just keep moving.

On the WW front, I'm sticking to it so far these past 4 days...journaling the shit on my WW app. We'll see if I can't hold it...can't refrain from gorging my sadness with food.

I also went online last night and looked up more ethnic donors for sperm just in case I have to pick someone outside of my race...have to spice it up a bit I suppose. Really, I don't care what the kid looks like...just give me healthy and not crazy.

A Quiet Desperation

All week I've been obsessing with the thought that I hope I get pregnant..ever since I spoke to the RE on Monday. I have to keep things in perspective and keep myself hopeful but not so hopeful that I set myself up for a devastation. I have two things that are better or different happening than last time; one, my fibroid was cut back, and two, I'm using a different sperm..one that I really want to take. I'm just worried that it won't happen and then wonder what I'll do with my life really...what plans I will have. I spoke to Kay about that fact that I now have to replace my car due to the tranny problem and explained that if I do indeed get pregnant then that would effect what type of car I get and I'd get something more conventional...if it's not in the cars then I'll rebuy what I drive now which is ridiculously unconventional by any stretch of the imagination particularly for a woman my age (ugh the sound of that..ugh, but true). She asked me if it didn't work, wasn't I planning to adopt? Well, I guess I'd have to cross that road but that would be down the pike as this has been emotionally exhausting and I can't continue on a race like thi; have it not work and jump into another battle in an effort to find my baby..I would need time to just collect myself and my disappointment. The thought makes me want to cry. I have two more shots at this left which isn't bad and the RE said she thought my chances were not bad...she didn't say they were good but when I asked her if they were bad, she said absolutely not..made me feel a lot better. So we'll see where it goes. I'm scared. I'm scared of what I'll do if it doesn't happen. A part of me gets so crazed at the idea that I think I'd sell my place, quit my job and just live a simple bullshit, hippy, go back to art life...just feels I'd need to shut down and just get away from all my coworkers who are mothers or wives or both and just so fucking proud of it all that they have to talk about it nonstop..Yes, I realize I'd do the same but it hurts nonetheless. I keep looking up shit to up your chances of conceiving..really not that helpful though they keep mentioning reduce stress..difficult though I'm trying to disengage myself from the bitches at work or I should say, continuing to try..I'm listening to my meditation CD on my breaks there which is somewhat helpful but not always and just trying to keep or needing to try to keep a low profile while there. The work has been relentless this week but I'm trying to just do it and shut up about it. I've been feeling cramping lately indicating my period is coming and the start of this rat race of injections again. I'm ready..I think I'm ready. Going to take some time off when the time comes and just be better to myself. Not always such an easy task.

Sensitive?

So I went to work today and it was better than yesterday. I think this was due in part to having discussed what was going on with my therapist, who by the way, I only have one session left with and it's over. Today I called some new chick to try to set something up but no phone call yet..hope she calls as I don't really want to spend too much time without one. I know it sounds really codependant and maybe I am, but I feel too fragile at this time in my life and feel like I need the support..whatever..sometimes I think I'm crazy but the shrink tells me I'm sane so...that sentence I think says way too much. Anyhow, I hope she calls me and I hope she's not a loon. Did I tell you about the therapist who spoke in the fake baby voice? No? Well,needless to say I got out of that quick but not unscathed as she freaked me out.. holy shit anyone can get their license. I have mine btw, my license to practice therapy..but I don't practice. I figure I do enough emotional damage to myself, why subject others to my madness. At one point, after the art, that was my dream, to do therapy, and I worked for a long time with the mentally ill, for years and years, and loved it. But I think everyone needs to realize their limitations, and for me, I was beyond burned out...and now, I'm not emotionally strong enough to take on a caseload of people depending on me. I've got just enough strength for me, my baby, and those friends and family who need me, and there'll be none left over after my baby as I'm going to give that baby everything I got in me. All the love and support a child could want or need...not spoiled but I want her to really feel like I've got her back..not wonder if I'm there..know I am..that's my plan so being a therapist is out for me, though there was a time I loved that...loved doing sessions with people who were run of the mill like me, or with the severely mentally ill..very fulfilling and humbling so much so I can't even describe how great it was....but I digress...

I was feeling upset tonight (what else is new) over a comment someone made on facebook. A friend of mine asked if anyone new if the planet of the apes movie was any good and someone replied "the Obama documentary"? The guy who asked about the movie is a good person so I didn't want to start shit with his friend so I replied "wow :(" and thankfully my friend removed the post. I felt bad but I couldn't just ignore it so that was my gentlest way of showing disapproval. It never ceases to amaze me that people actually have the balls to write shit like that. I mean, what kind of fucking idiot writes that? You gotta be a real asshole and then I think Gem, you're being overly sensitive. And I know I'm extremely sensitive to things..not only emotional things for me, but for others as well. My therapist calls it hyper-sensitive..that's what I am...not only am I hurt easily, I will get just as upset if someone else gets hurt, or there is a possibility that someone else got hurt, and for whatever reason I am very in tune to other's emotions..to a point where it's not good for me...at times believe it or not, I feel it physically..it's a physical pain though I'll leave it at that as an explanation. So I was pissed when I read that comment and was going to write a nasty comment regarding the State this dude lives in because most people in the Northeast would never think of saying that kind of shit outloud..they may think it, but say it? Unless you want your ass in a sling..no. That my friends is an example of how everyone is prejudice...he makes a racist statement and I come back with a prejudice one? not good...and though I didn't make a comment about his State..I thought it!..alas, I am far from perfect and this I know for sure. It's been a hard week so I have to keep this in mind and try to keep things in perspective. I also think adding to the sensitivity this month is the fact that I didn't get pregnant and am not able to try this month and couple this with the loss of my therapist and teh b.s. at work and presto change-o you got a super sensitive Gem.

Anyhow, tomorrow I take Tess back to the vet to see how she is. She seems better though not 100%. Love that dog.

Side Effects?

I don't write as much as I'd like because of my horrible carpel tunnel syndrome that as soon as I have my baby, I have to address. I've been putting it off for years..ever since I used to seriously do art, I've had trouble. Did I mention anything here about art? ...I don't think so. I have a degree in fine arts..sculpture specifically. I have never used the degree except for a very brief stint teaching children but, I used to lose myself in art for hours, and from years of using a hammer and chisel..and add in other factors (weight), I developed terrible carpel tunnel. Have difficulty using my hands for more than a few minutes at a time though typing is easier than actual writing.. but I digress...

Last night I went to bed and couldn't sleep. Mind you, I've taken myself off all caffeine now but, I'm prone to sleeplessness. Well last night, I was conked, so expected to hit the bed like a ton of bricks and be out. I had to use the ladies room before bed and I heard this crackling noise, almost like electricity, and I called to Tess to come, as I wasn't sure at that point where she was, and became nervous thinking the worst. I call her and here she comes but, what looks like a gigantic bee, is coming with her, I mean the thing was huge..flying full tilt. I grab a towel and swat it, getting it onto the ground but the towel was one of my fluffies so wasn't sure if it was dead..kept pressing on it..I look and it looks like, and is about the size of, half a walnut shell..Long story..flushed it down the toilet but later was feeling woozy, and it almost felt like I'd hallucinated the whole thing. I've never hallucinated except as a child when given Nyquil on two occasions (have never touched that shit since). So I'm laying in bed trying to sleep realizing my brain is in overdrive and I'm getting these vivid images flashing through my head..scary stuff freaking me out, playing like someone is flipping down playing cards. I think 'okay, here comes crazy'... I managed to do some breathing excercises, though I was really beat, and mercifully passed out and awoke to hear myself say, "What?" out loud..I had distincly heard my mother's voice call to me..so weird. Okay so that may have been the Ovidrel that I injected myself with or the fact that getting up to go to the RE then work, not to mentioned the emotional rollercoaster I've been going through, is taking a toll on me. I'm going to try and go to sleep early tonight as I have to go to the RE in the morning. I hate all the side effects from these meds. I've never been one for drugs and such and only take my one pill that keeps me alive daily and that's only because I'd literally be dead otherwise but even through all the surgeries and crap from cancer I never filled a one of those pain pill prescriptions. I just don't like to put crap in me and figured with the cigarettes I used to smoke, and the food I shouldn't be having, not to mention the cancer crap that was pumped into me, my body has really had enough..I don't need pills..or another addiction for that matter. I just want to have my baby and stop putting all this crap in me.

I'm fearful it won't happen and I'll have to go through this shit for months and months. My fear is twofold as not only do I fear that it will bankrupt me financially, I also recognize that it can bankrupt me emotionally, and I have to preserve that for when my child comes...try to maintain my emotional wellbeing as fully intact as possible. The fact that this is a concern is still somewhat shocking to me, and two years ago, I would have plowed through it no prob. I have to adjust to this new idea of the more emotional and vulnerable me and that, I suppose, has been a life lesson for me.. that sometimes I am weak. A word that I would never, and I mean never, would have connected with myself in the past.