I don't write as much as I'd like because of my horrible carpel tunnel syndrome that as soon as I have my baby, I have to address. I've been putting it off for years..ever since I used to seriously do art, I've had trouble. Did I mention anything here about art? ...I don't think so. I have a degree in fine arts..sculpture specifically. I have never used the degree except for a very brief stint teaching children but, I used to lose myself in art for hours, and from years of using a hammer and chisel..and add in other factors (weight), I developed terrible carpel tunnel. Have difficulty using my hands for more than a few minutes at a time though typing is easier than actual writing.. but I digress...
Last night I went to bed and couldn't sleep. Mind you, I've taken myself off all caffeine now but, I'm prone to sleeplessness. Well last night, I was conked, so expected to hit the bed like a ton of bricks and be out. I had to use the ladies room before bed and I heard this crackling noise, almost like electricity, and I called to Tess to come, as I wasn't sure at that point where she was, and became nervous thinking the worst. I call her and here she comes but, what looks like a gigantic bee, is coming with her, I mean the thing was huge..flying full tilt. I grab a towel and swat it, getting it onto the ground but the towel was one of my fluffies so wasn't sure if it was dead..kept pressing on it..I look and it looks like, and is about the size of, half a walnut shell..Long story..flushed it down the toilet but later was feeling woozy, and it almost felt like I'd hallucinated the whole thing. I've never hallucinated except as a child when given Nyquil on two occasions (have never touched that shit since). So I'm laying in bed trying to sleep realizing my brain is in overdrive and I'm getting these vivid images flashing through my head..scary stuff freaking me out, playing like someone is flipping down playing cards. I think 'okay, here comes crazy'... I managed to do some breathing excercises, though I was really beat, and mercifully passed out and awoke to hear myself say, "What?" out loud..I had distincly heard my mother's voice call to me..so weird. Okay so that may have been the Ovidrel that I injected myself with or the fact that getting up to go to the RE then work, not to mentioned the emotional rollercoaster I've been going through, is taking a toll on me. I'm going to try and go to sleep early tonight as I have to go to the RE in the morning. I hate all the side effects from these meds. I've never been one for drugs and such and only take my one pill that keeps me alive daily and that's only because I'd literally be dead otherwise but even through all the surgeries and crap from cancer I never filled a one of those pain pill prescriptions. I just don't like to put crap in me and figured with the cigarettes I used to smoke, and the food I shouldn't be having, not to mention the cancer crap that was pumped into me, my body has really had enough..I don't need pills..or another addiction for that matter. I just want to have my baby and stop putting all this crap in me.
I'm fearful it won't happen and I'll have to go through this shit for months and months. My fear is twofold as not only do I fear that it will bankrupt me financially, I also recognize that it can bankrupt me emotionally, and I have to preserve that for when my child comes...try to maintain my emotional wellbeing as fully intact as possible. The fact that this is a concern is still somewhat shocking to me, and two years ago, I would have plowed through it no prob. I have to adjust to this new idea of the more emotional and vulnerable me and that, I suppose, has been a life lesson for me.. that sometimes I am weak. A word that I would never, and I mean never, would have connected with myself in the past.
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