Fukcen Funk

I think I am in a serious funk or some such thing. I can't seem to find the energy for anything and I just feel like shit. I have been eating out of control and just feeling detached. It could be due to my period coming but nonetheless, I don't feel like myself. My therapist has also been away for a month and that's usually where I go to just let my feelings all hang out or whatever it is that's renting space in my head. I think I mentioned she's retiring and she referred me to two people though the first chick couldn't accomodate my schedule and the second wasn't on my insurance and though usually I'd pay the deductible and just move on with it, I'm not in a financial position to do that right now or any time in the near future soo...

I saw the Canadians yesterday. I didn't want to go but since I have a commitment and am in charge of all the paraphenalia, off I went. It was a good meeting. I am starting to feel like I'm a part of the group even though there really is only 4 or 5 of us but we're regulars so... I wish I could just abstain and do what I have to do food wise but that seems to be slow going for me. Ms. Mattie tells me keep going to meeting and the mind will follow..I hope so.

I was researching IUI with a blocked fallopian and it just doesn't look like my odds are that great. As of now I have spent about $1,300 on two vials of "stuff" and put it on my AMEX card which is fine but if the odds aren't in my favor, it looks like I can be doing that another 5, 6, or more times... I guess I'll speak to my RE when I get my period. That's the other thing, my regular RE may not be available and I'll have to see one of the guys there. I have a thing about male Dr.'s....I don't use male Dr.'s. The only two I have are my dentist and a specialist and that's only because he did the cancer thing with me and I don't get naked in front of him. Any time I've had surgery, I've worn men's boxer briefs to ensure there was no funny business...I know sounds paranoid but I err on the side of caution as many Dr.'s are perverts just like everyone else...did I tell you I don't trust men???

My friend Ollie is coming down from Tx to visit on Friday. Initially he was going to stay with me. He is the one male I trust (to a point) plus he's gay, plus I've known him since high school. His partner is coming too which wasn't in the original plans and I don't think the partner likes me much so needless to say Ollie might spend one night with me and that's it. Wish I'd have more notice as I had wanted to fix my house a little...get new curtains and such..we'll see what I can whip up. Ollie has seen me through much of the worst and vice versa...believe it or not he also had cancer and so did his partner...weird as we're all relatively young. Anyhow, when I had a big problem with "D" and had just been emotionally damaged I had gone to see him for about 2 weeks. He helped me pull myself together and put things in perspective and just let me breathe for a minute. I would get up early and make coffee and bring a book outside and sit by the edge of his pool and just read and meditate. I remember one time, I had decided to lie on a float in his pool (I can't swim) and he was working in his bedroom office and he opened up the french doors in his bedroom that led out to the pool (yes, one of two gorgous, built to suit homes..so jealous) and I asked him what he was doing and he said making sure you're okay while I work. Thought that was sweet...Anyhow, he just got me through and it seems like every time we meet it's because one of us needs the other. He stayed with me a little bit ago when the whole shit at work happened and when he was really sick with cancer, I flew out to Tx to take care of him and clean his house and make sure he was okay. I always said, if I could meet a straight guy similar to Ollie, I would marry him in a minute. We just click. We can talk for hours or stay quiet for hours and it's all good. When he heard I was trying to get pregnant he said he was moving here to NY to be with me and they'd sell their house in Tx which I thought was also sweet. His partner even seemed to go with the plan and he has an extremely serious job so I was surprised..I think after the excitement settled he realized he needed to rethink that plan and honestly, I don't want a baby daddy for my child...though I'd love "uncles" for him or her. Ollie said they were still thinking of coming but would wait til the baby was here.

There is a part of me that feels the baby won't come...scares me that I'll put all my hopes into him or her coming and he won't show. My father said to me the other day that he dreamt of two boy babies holding on to his leg. I was shocked as I made no mention of babies to him but my father and mother have always been very intuitive in their own way. I won't say psychic but my mother was a superb "guesser" before the dementia and my father has always been extremely sensitive to his environment. I believe in psychic power or sixth sense so...maybe it's crazy but I do believe people are given gifts of sensitivity though I also realize I may be wrong and in fact people are just persceptive or good "guessers".

Anyway, though I'm scared my baby won't come, I feel the need to try though I question myself at times. I'm hoping this is normal though. I picked out names for either a boy or a girl though I won't mention what they are. The boys is a more common name but the girl's is not...it's a simple one syllable name and my two best friends Kay and Diana said it sounds beautiful and sophisticated. ..it is similar to a name like Ty (if it were a boy), or Faye...just simple. It came to me one night and I have no idea how as I've never heard of anyone with that as a first name but I just knew it was perfect. If "she" comes I'll post it. I came to the realization the other day while talking with Diana until 2 in the morning that this is probably the only child I will ever have (if I can indeed manage to get PG). I kept saying well in a few years once you have this one you can try again but I don't think that's likely. We'll see I suppose. I never wanted to have an only child as I feel children suffer when they're alone but unless I have twins (would LOVEEE it!!!) it seems like an only child it will be. But I'm counting my chicken here. I'm praying for a healthy child if that's God's will so we'll see.