Just wanted to write a little blurb on adoption. I have a sort of connection to adopt from Haiti though I hadn't seen the chick in a while. Today she came into my office and we had an opportunity to talk. The process is difficult and it would entail a trip to Haiti...something I really don't want to do. I love Haitian people, I actually speak some Creole which always shocks people as it's not a typical language to learn but it's always intrigued me... I know that it's very dangerous there, very poor, and very dangerous, and though I won't explain how I know so much about it, suffice is to say that I do, even though I've never been there nor am I Haitian. I always wanted to visit until I learned so much about it. It is now a place that even thinking about it scares the shit out of me. We'll see what happens. I gave her some of my personal information and she gave me hers and we'll see where this leads. The one positive is that I meet all of Haiti's requirements for adoption; they ask that you be over 35, you can be single (woohoo!!), and it seems that although not absolutely necessary, they prefer that you don't have other children. This is not an absolute for me, and I'm unsure of the cost but at least I have a start to some info. I haven't given up on the egg donor thing and as a matter of fact, go next Monday to have my second HSG..fun fun. Just wanted to update.
On the food front:
I have been hesitant to write about dieting, food, compulsive overeating, et cetera, on here because it is such a sensitive subject for me and I find that too often, people have simple answers for a complicated problem. By the same token, I have to deal with my food issues so here it is. Kay has a bowl of candy in her office and she won't get rid of it. It tortures me and I can hardly resist it. It's like leaving a glass of vodka available at any time when you have a drinker in the office but alas, I know this is not Kay's problem, it's mine. I find myself eating to assuage my stress and anxiety. I have been obsessing over Asshole and I thought I had washed the thoughts of him out of my head but apparently I haven't. I gotta get over it. I have to move on with my life and I know I will. I'm not sure which came first the chicken or the egg; if it's that thinking of him is giving me the anxiety or it's the anxiety making me think of him....crazy. And though I find that I am having trouble controlling my food, I did begin to journal my food again and I also weighed myself (not as bad as I had thought). I am loosely following the WW program though I'm not going to meetings..will start these, God willing, on Sunday. Will continue with OA but if nobody shows up tomorrow...that's it...I'm done. I'm not doing this shit again where I go and nobody else is there..that's bullshit.
Anyhow, that's it. I'm tired and frustrated tonight and want to drink and smoke and can't write. That's where I am in this life. Just taking one step at a time trying not to walk off that proverbial bridge and just realize that this too shall pass, and that there is always a better day on the horizon. I have to believe this even when I don't believe it. Gotta keep on keeping on (though I hate that saying it fits).
Showing posts with label food. Show all posts
Showing posts with label food. Show all posts
Monday, June 11, 2012
Sunday, January 22, 2012
Beyond the Irritables
When I was sick, and I've heard from others who've had the same type of cancer, I would get what I'd call, "the irritables". It felt as if I was going to crawl out of my skin and was just the most irritating sensation..it would get so bad that I couldn't interact with anyone as I'd bite their heads off. I'd lay in bed with a scrunchy pillow that I'd gotten as a gift while I was in the hospital, and I'd put the pillow between my knees and cry. Why between my knees? Who the heck knows but it's what felt the best..laying down on my side with my knees not touching..even as I write this I can clearly remember the sensation. Lately, I've been feeling something similar...it's not physical though, it's more emotional and it's all aimed at my mother and at myself. I've been eating and eating and eating trying to make those feelings go away but nothings been working. I think a part of it is due to the anticipation of starting the process of IVF again, and another part is genuine anger at my mother...anger I wish I could let go of. I pray each night for patience with her, for me to be a better daughter, kinder and more considerate. I think to myself Gem, she's getting old and this relationship isn't how you want it to be between you. But I swear when I'm with her it's all I can do not to grit my teeth and I know it's fucked up but it's what I feel and I hate myself for it.
Years ago, when I was a less disillusioned, more trusting person, I used to see these people who were so unhappy and I used to call them "people who suck lemons"; where you can see the unhappiness and disgust with life on their face; they'd walk around with a perpetual grimace looking as if they'd been handed shit on a stick their whole lives. I used to pray that I would never be one of these but I see myself sometimes in a mirror with an incessant frown pasted on my face and it scares me. I'm a lemon sucker! or becoming one..something that I never thought I could be. I used to be the person who always had a smile, a joke, and I felt I had a warm heart inside...I don't know where that person went or what killed her. There are just crumbs of my old self left and on that rare occasion when I spot what is the best part of me, I miss her. I miss how people felt about her and the feeling of everyone wanting to be with me. This person that I am today though, can't be around too many people, for too long, without snapping. I'm not sure when this changed or if it had to do with my sickness and what it did to me, or all the shit that I had to go through during my sickness and with the troubles with "D" and with nobody helping me. It was a very lonely desperate time for me. I was sick and had this other problem on my lap; a humongous, disgusting problem that I couldn't talk about and was trying to finish a masters and work, and get well. It was bad. And my mother had her head up her ass, and my siblings ran from the problem, and I couldn't reach them, I'd call them to ask them what we were going to do about "D" and they wouldn't take my calls..it was too hard for them..but not for me? It was bad; very fucking sad and very fucking bad and I spent months and months hanging on to my sanity by a thread and crying and not knowing where to turn. It worked out. I got well. "D"'s issues were addressed though it lopped a good 10 years right off the top of my life, and I "forgave" my family for leaving me alone to deal with all this shit. But you see, even as I write the word "forgave" I know that there is a part of me harboring that feeling of abandonment and I supposed after a while and countless times of feeling my family is not rooting for me, it has festered and become a resentment. It left me scarred..and work added to those scars. All issues that I would work out with a therapist..but even that is just irritating for me now..trying to find a therapist I can trust and trust that she isn't crazier than me. I started talking about this a little bit with the Canadians on Tuesdays. It helps a little though I have a tendency to ramble at times. Find myself feeling alone at times lately, and am hoping to spend some time this week with my fair Godmother. All things seem better after seeing her and I'm grateful. Grateful to have someone in my life who gives that to me.
Years ago, when I was a less disillusioned, more trusting person, I used to see these people who were so unhappy and I used to call them "people who suck lemons"; where you can see the unhappiness and disgust with life on their face; they'd walk around with a perpetual grimace looking as if they'd been handed shit on a stick their whole lives. I used to pray that I would never be one of these but I see myself sometimes in a mirror with an incessant frown pasted on my face and it scares me. I'm a lemon sucker! or becoming one..something that I never thought I could be. I used to be the person who always had a smile, a joke, and I felt I had a warm heart inside...I don't know where that person went or what killed her. There are just crumbs of my old self left and on that rare occasion when I spot what is the best part of me, I miss her. I miss how people felt about her and the feeling of everyone wanting to be with me. This person that I am today though, can't be around too many people, for too long, without snapping. I'm not sure when this changed or if it had to do with my sickness and what it did to me, or all the shit that I had to go through during my sickness and with the troubles with "D" and with nobody helping me. It was a very lonely desperate time for me. I was sick and had this other problem on my lap; a humongous, disgusting problem that I couldn't talk about and was trying to finish a masters and work, and get well. It was bad. And my mother had her head up her ass, and my siblings ran from the problem, and I couldn't reach them, I'd call them to ask them what we were going to do about "D" and they wouldn't take my calls..it was too hard for them..but not for me? It was bad; very fucking sad and very fucking bad and I spent months and months hanging on to my sanity by a thread and crying and not knowing where to turn. It worked out. I got well. "D"'s issues were addressed though it lopped a good 10 years right off the top of my life, and I "forgave" my family for leaving me alone to deal with all this shit. But you see, even as I write the word "forgave" I know that there is a part of me harboring that feeling of abandonment and I supposed after a while and countless times of feeling my family is not rooting for me, it has festered and become a resentment. It left me scarred..and work added to those scars. All issues that I would work out with a therapist..but even that is just irritating for me now..trying to find a therapist I can trust and trust that she isn't crazier than me. I started talking about this a little bit with the Canadians on Tuesdays. It helps a little though I have a tendency to ramble at times. Find myself feeling alone at times lately, and am hoping to spend some time this week with my fair Godmother. All things seem better after seeing her and I'm grateful. Grateful to have someone in my life who gives that to me.
Tuesday, November 22, 2011
Canada
I went to see the Canadians today. Only Robby was there which was fine and we also had a couple of people on the phone bridge. When the meeting ended Robby asked me about the baby making thing, the food thing, and in general how am I holding up. I told her the whole baby making fiasco story and also how my eating is out of control and I can't seem to get a grip...the worst it's been in a long time. She made me promise to go to another meeting this week and I'm going to try and really do it not just say it or make an excuse. We had a nice long talk and basically she told me I needed more meetings and to just get 3 days in and I would start from there. On the baby making topic, she told me to not give up, to try and lose some weight to make it easier to carry and shared how she never tried and now at 60-something has major regrets...even tried to adopt when she was in her 50's but realized she was just too old...said it was the biggest regret of her life. I left there feeling hopeful..more hopeful than I had in a long time. I set up a meeting with a new therapist yesterday for next week..don't believe I mentioned it. We'll see how it goes. I'm going to really try with this chick unless she's a complete psycho freak...have to get my mental affairs in order.
It was a difficult day...the boss was emailing me like she'd just discovered the shit, clients were lining up like we were giving away toasters and we just didn't have the man power, my mother's shrink called to advocate for my mother (and that's a story for another day...didn't go too well for the shrink and we'll leave it at that), and I ended the work day at my endocrinologist office which was fine but for whatever reason I always leave there feeling like fuck so tried to rush home...took me almost an hour and wanted to cry with the frustration of the day and cancel on the Canadians but God is good and I'm thankful I didn't as it turned into a nice night.
It was a difficult day...the boss was emailing me like she'd just discovered the shit, clients were lining up like we were giving away toasters and we just didn't have the man power, my mother's shrink called to advocate for my mother (and that's a story for another day...didn't go too well for the shrink and we'll leave it at that), and I ended the work day at my endocrinologist office which was fine but for whatever reason I always leave there feeling like fuck so tried to rush home...took me almost an hour and wanted to cry with the frustration of the day and cancel on the Canadians but God is good and I'm thankful I didn't as it turned into a nice night.
Sunday, September 25, 2011
Like a thief in the night
So I've been hiding out all weekend, avoiding calls and keeping myself on the down low. Just want to run away a little. Found a new donor that I'll try if this upcoming month doesn't work out. I need a stress free week at work to get my bearings...will have to hide out there as well. It's to the point where I want to sit in the dark and just let time go by discreetly without it noticiing me for a little bit but with my family and friends quietly at arms length in case I need them and of course my Tess.
One of the Canadians from my oa meeting called me...3 times...been ignoring her. I just can't right now.. I feel terrible about it. I did go to an online oa meeting last night..was good and I shared. I've been spiralling out of control with these hormones and really with just me..can't reign myself in. I've been reading this book called Angry Fat Girls, about a group of women who lost and gained weight and went on to lose it again...gives me hope. I had at one point gotten very close to normal weight...not normal skinny but normal shopping store normal. It was very scary for me in the men department and I know I use my weight to protect me...another way to hide. I have done this a lot in my life...hidden out. I run scared a lot..scared of men and scared of scary women..bitchy self assured, self righteous women...you'd never know this if you met me. I'm often told the first impression people get of me is 'tough'..no accident..and true to a point but it's a purposeful tough not a natural tough. I make an effort to have a dead pan stare and walk with confidence. My fairy godmother calls it my shield. It is. I want to lose weight because honestly, my body is having a difficult time carrying all this, but emotionally, I can't deal with male attention right now and even if I tell myself I can wear a 'disguise' so to speak..scares me and all in all I can't get a handle on my food addiction, so who am I kidding? Anyhow, had to rant and just get some of it off my chest. Just feeling tired and whatnot.Feel like smoking, drinking, doing my old thing, just getting buzzed with a smoke..been over 2 years but I can't. Need some time off and it's coming..Have some personal time I'm willing to part with so will scan the calendar for a good day to be off.
This week, I need to work on finding a therapist..a part of me wants to give it another try with this chick..my brain tells me to get a grip on reality and move on. Brain is gonna have to win as I don't have time for trifling.
One of the Canadians from my oa meeting called me...3 times...been ignoring her. I just can't right now.. I feel terrible about it. I did go to an online oa meeting last night..was good and I shared. I've been spiralling out of control with these hormones and really with just me..can't reign myself in. I've been reading this book called Angry Fat Girls, about a group of women who lost and gained weight and went on to lose it again...gives me hope. I had at one point gotten very close to normal weight...not normal skinny but normal shopping store normal. It was very scary for me in the men department and I know I use my weight to protect me...another way to hide. I have done this a lot in my life...hidden out. I run scared a lot..scared of men and scared of scary women..bitchy self assured, self righteous women...you'd never know this if you met me. I'm often told the first impression people get of me is 'tough'..no accident..and true to a point but it's a purposeful tough not a natural tough. I make an effort to have a dead pan stare and walk with confidence. My fairy godmother calls it my shield. It is. I want to lose weight because honestly, my body is having a difficult time carrying all this, but emotionally, I can't deal with male attention right now and even if I tell myself I can wear a 'disguise' so to speak..scares me and all in all I can't get a handle on my food addiction, so who am I kidding? Anyhow, had to rant and just get some of it off my chest. Just feeling tired and whatnot.Feel like smoking, drinking, doing my old thing, just getting buzzed with a smoke..been over 2 years but I can't. Need some time off and it's coming..Have some personal time I'm willing to part with so will scan the calendar for a good day to be off.
This week, I need to work on finding a therapist..a part of me wants to give it another try with this chick..my brain tells me to get a grip on reality and move on. Brain is gonna have to win as I don't have time for trifling.
Sunday, August 28, 2011
Blah blah blah blah blah
Haven't written in a while. Sometimes I think I'm writing, thinking, saying the same shit over and over again. Having the Sunday night blahs again..hate Sunday night as it starts the worrying for Monday for me. I bought four vials of man juice last Friday as my guy finally had some available. It was kind of bizarre last Friday..I had a client come in, and I don't usually see clients anymore but shit happened so I'm seeing this chick and it was one of those situations where you feel like you know the person. So prior to me actually getting down to business with her we're chit chatting and she explained how she'd had lap band surgery recently and so far has lost 40 lbs. As I'm taking her information I see that she also had a child later in life and she explains how her weight contributed to her inability to conceive and finally after several years of marriage she got on clomid and got pregnant. I just thought there were a lot of parallels between the both of us. Of course she is married and I'm single but still...
Anyhow, I have been out of control with the food. I was initially gonna say feeling out of control but this is beyond a feeling..this is all out gung-ho food chaos. Been eating like I've got it like that and I don't know what it's going to take to reign me in. I just want this madness to stop and I'm not sure how to make that happen. Went to the second therapist the other day and boy, so not feeling it. It was another, I've got all the answers therapist. I don't need that shit. I've got some of the answers..I just need support. Made that mistake with my old therapist and she ran my life, became judgmental and I had to run from her into crazyville all by myself...a situation that made me feel even crazier. I want someone like Arlene..yeah she gives you support, gives you information, but lets you figure it out more or less. I'm not schizophrenic here just mildly depressed with a lovely case of PTSD. So I'm going to call the original chick back tomorrow and ask if she'll take me. I have one other non therapist issue with the original chick. Her chair is killing my knees and back. I don't know if I should ask for a hard chair. She is working out of her kids play room and has some sort of beach chairs she is using (yeah, totally high price operation) but the chairs are killing me.
So I've gotta go get my ass ready for work tomorrow. Am going to try to take a day off from work in early September just to chill out. Plus, my friend Kay is off that week and I really don't like going into work if she's not there...yes codependent..whateva!!
Anyhow, I have been out of control with the food. I was initially gonna say feeling out of control but this is beyond a feeling..this is all out gung-ho food chaos. Been eating like I've got it like that and I don't know what it's going to take to reign me in. I just want this madness to stop and I'm not sure how to make that happen. Went to the second therapist the other day and boy, so not feeling it. It was another, I've got all the answers therapist. I don't need that shit. I've got some of the answers..I just need support. Made that mistake with my old therapist and she ran my life, became judgmental and I had to run from her into crazyville all by myself...a situation that made me feel even crazier. I want someone like Arlene..yeah she gives you support, gives you information, but lets you figure it out more or less. I'm not schizophrenic here just mildly depressed with a lovely case of PTSD. So I'm going to call the original chick back tomorrow and ask if she'll take me. I have one other non therapist issue with the original chick. Her chair is killing my knees and back. I don't know if I should ask for a hard chair. She is working out of her kids play room and has some sort of beach chairs she is using (yeah, totally high price operation) but the chairs are killing me.
So I've gotta go get my ass ready for work tomorrow. Am going to try to take a day off from work in early September just to chill out. Plus, my friend Kay is off that week and I really don't like going into work if she's not there...yes codependent..whateva!!
Wednesday, July 6, 2011
Fukcen Funk
I think I am in a serious funk or some such thing. I can't seem to find the energy for anything and I just feel like shit. I have been eating out of control and just feeling detached. It could be due to my period coming but nonetheless, I don't feel like myself. My therapist has also been away for a month and that's usually where I go to just let my feelings all hang out or whatever it is that's renting space in my head. I think I mentioned she's retiring and she referred me to two people though the first chick couldn't accomodate my schedule and the second wasn't on my insurance and though usually I'd pay the deductible and just move on with it, I'm not in a financial position to do that right now or any time in the near future soo...
I saw the Canadians yesterday. I didn't want to go but since I have a commitment and am in charge of all the paraphenalia, off I went. It was a good meeting. I am starting to feel like I'm a part of the group even though there really is only 4 or 5 of us but we're regulars so... I wish I could just abstain and do what I have to do food wise but that seems to be slow going for me. Ms. Mattie tells me keep going to meeting and the mind will follow..I hope so.
I was researching IUI with a blocked fallopian and it just doesn't look like my odds are that great. As of now I have spent about $1,300 on two vials of "stuff" and put it on my AMEX card which is fine but if the odds aren't in my favor, it looks like I can be doing that another 5, 6, or more times... I guess I'll speak to my RE when I get my period. That's the other thing, my regular RE may not be available and I'll have to see one of the guys there. I have a thing about male Dr.'s....I don't use male Dr.'s. The only two I have are my dentist and a specialist and that's only because he did the cancer thing with me and I don't get naked in front of him. Any time I've had surgery, I've worn men's boxer briefs to ensure there was no funny business...I know sounds paranoid but I err on the side of caution as many Dr.'s are perverts just like everyone else...did I tell you I don't trust men???
My friend Ollie is coming down from Tx to visit on Friday. Initially he was going to stay with me. He is the one male I trust (to a point) plus he's gay, plus I've known him since high school. His partner is coming too which wasn't in the original plans and I don't think the partner likes me much so needless to say Ollie might spend one night with me and that's it. Wish I'd have more notice as I had wanted to fix my house a little...get new curtains and such..we'll see what I can whip up. Ollie has seen me through much of the worst and vice versa...believe it or not he also had cancer and so did his partner...weird as we're all relatively young. Anyhow, when I had a big problem with "D" and had just been emotionally damaged I had gone to see him for about 2 weeks. He helped me pull myself together and put things in perspective and just let me breathe for a minute. I would get up early and make coffee and bring a book outside and sit by the edge of his pool and just read and meditate. I remember one time, I had decided to lie on a float in his pool (I can't swim) and he was working in his bedroom office and he opened up the french doors in his bedroom that led out to the pool (yes, one of two gorgous, built to suit homes..so jealous) and I asked him what he was doing and he said making sure you're okay while I work. Thought that was sweet...Anyhow, he just got me through and it seems like every time we meet it's because one of us needs the other. He stayed with me a little bit ago when the whole shit at work happened and when he was really sick with cancer, I flew out to Tx to take care of him and clean his house and make sure he was okay. I always said, if I could meet a straight guy similar to Ollie, I would marry him in a minute. We just click. We can talk for hours or stay quiet for hours and it's all good. When he heard I was trying to get pregnant he said he was moving here to NY to be with me and they'd sell their house in Tx which I thought was also sweet. His partner even seemed to go with the plan and he has an extremely serious job so I was surprised..I think after the excitement settled he realized he needed to rethink that plan and honestly, I don't want a baby daddy for my child...though I'd love "uncles" for him or her. Ollie said they were still thinking of coming but would wait til the baby was here.
There is a part of me that feels the baby won't come...scares me that I'll put all my hopes into him or her coming and he won't show. My father said to me the other day that he dreamt of two boy babies holding on to his leg. I was shocked as I made no mention of babies to him but my father and mother have always been very intuitive in their own way. I won't say psychic but my mother was a superb "guesser" before the dementia and my father has always been extremely sensitive to his environment. I believe in psychic power or sixth sense so...maybe it's crazy but I do believe people are given gifts of sensitivity though I also realize I may be wrong and in fact people are just persceptive or good "guessers".
Anyway, though I'm scared my baby won't come, I feel the need to try though I question myself at times. I'm hoping this is normal though. I picked out names for either a boy or a girl though I won't mention what they are. The boys is a more common name but the girl's is not...it's a simple one syllable name and my two best friends Kay and Diana said it sounds beautiful and sophisticated. ..it is similar to a name like Ty (if it were a boy), or Faye...just simple. It came to me one night and I have no idea how as I've never heard of anyone with that as a first name but I just knew it was perfect. If "she" comes I'll post it. I came to the realization the other day while talking with Diana until 2 in the morning that this is probably the only child I will ever have (if I can indeed manage to get PG). I kept saying well in a few years once you have this one you can try again but I don't think that's likely. We'll see I suppose. I never wanted to have an only child as I feel children suffer when they're alone but unless I have twins (would LOVEEE it!!!) it seems like an only child it will be. But I'm counting my chicken here. I'm praying for a healthy child if that's God's will so we'll see.
I saw the Canadians yesterday. I didn't want to go but since I have a commitment and am in charge of all the paraphenalia, off I went. It was a good meeting. I am starting to feel like I'm a part of the group even though there really is only 4 or 5 of us but we're regulars so... I wish I could just abstain and do what I have to do food wise but that seems to be slow going for me. Ms. Mattie tells me keep going to meeting and the mind will follow..I hope so.
I was researching IUI with a blocked fallopian and it just doesn't look like my odds are that great. As of now I have spent about $1,300 on two vials of "stuff" and put it on my AMEX card which is fine but if the odds aren't in my favor, it looks like I can be doing that another 5, 6, or more times... I guess I'll speak to my RE when I get my period. That's the other thing, my regular RE may not be available and I'll have to see one of the guys there. I have a thing about male Dr.'s....I don't use male Dr.'s. The only two I have are my dentist and a specialist and that's only because he did the cancer thing with me and I don't get naked in front of him. Any time I've had surgery, I've worn men's boxer briefs to ensure there was no funny business...I know sounds paranoid but I err on the side of caution as many Dr.'s are perverts just like everyone else...did I tell you I don't trust men???
My friend Ollie is coming down from Tx to visit on Friday. Initially he was going to stay with me. He is the one male I trust (to a point) plus he's gay, plus I've known him since high school. His partner is coming too which wasn't in the original plans and I don't think the partner likes me much so needless to say Ollie might spend one night with me and that's it. Wish I'd have more notice as I had wanted to fix my house a little...get new curtains and such..we'll see what I can whip up. Ollie has seen me through much of the worst and vice versa...believe it or not he also had cancer and so did his partner...weird as we're all relatively young. Anyhow, when I had a big problem with "D" and had just been emotionally damaged I had gone to see him for about 2 weeks. He helped me pull myself together and put things in perspective and just let me breathe for a minute. I would get up early and make coffee and bring a book outside and sit by the edge of his pool and just read and meditate. I remember one time, I had decided to lie on a float in his pool (I can't swim) and he was working in his bedroom office and he opened up the french doors in his bedroom that led out to the pool (yes, one of two gorgous, built to suit homes..so jealous) and I asked him what he was doing and he said making sure you're okay while I work. Thought that was sweet...Anyhow, he just got me through and it seems like every time we meet it's because one of us needs the other. He stayed with me a little bit ago when the whole shit at work happened and when he was really sick with cancer, I flew out to Tx to take care of him and clean his house and make sure he was okay. I always said, if I could meet a straight guy similar to Ollie, I would marry him in a minute. We just click. We can talk for hours or stay quiet for hours and it's all good. When he heard I was trying to get pregnant he said he was moving here to NY to be with me and they'd sell their house in Tx which I thought was also sweet. His partner even seemed to go with the plan and he has an extremely serious job so I was surprised..I think after the excitement settled he realized he needed to rethink that plan and honestly, I don't want a baby daddy for my child...though I'd love "uncles" for him or her. Ollie said they were still thinking of coming but would wait til the baby was here.
There is a part of me that feels the baby won't come...scares me that I'll put all my hopes into him or her coming and he won't show. My father said to me the other day that he dreamt of two boy babies holding on to his leg. I was shocked as I made no mention of babies to him but my father and mother have always been very intuitive in their own way. I won't say psychic but my mother was a superb "guesser" before the dementia and my father has always been extremely sensitive to his environment. I believe in psychic power or sixth sense so...maybe it's crazy but I do believe people are given gifts of sensitivity though I also realize I may be wrong and in fact people are just persceptive or good "guessers".
Anyway, though I'm scared my baby won't come, I feel the need to try though I question myself at times. I'm hoping this is normal though. I picked out names for either a boy or a girl though I won't mention what they are. The boys is a more common name but the girl's is not...it's a simple one syllable name and my two best friends Kay and Diana said it sounds beautiful and sophisticated. ..it is similar to a name like Ty (if it were a boy), or Faye...just simple. It came to me one night and I have no idea how as I've never heard of anyone with that as a first name but I just knew it was perfect. If "she" comes I'll post it. I came to the realization the other day while talking with Diana until 2 in the morning that this is probably the only child I will ever have (if I can indeed manage to get PG). I kept saying well in a few years once you have this one you can try again but I don't think that's likely. We'll see I suppose. I never wanted to have an only child as I feel children suffer when they're alone but unless I have twins (would LOVEEE it!!!) it seems like an only child it will be. But I'm counting my chicken here. I'm praying for a healthy child if that's God's will so we'll see.
Monday, July 4, 2011
Abstinence
Haven't written as I didn't want to face myself I suppose. I haven't been able to stay "abstinent" for the past 4 days thought I start each day with the best or at least good, intentions. I get to my mom's and it's been all balls to the wall. I'm hoping that I can jump back on tomorrow but don't feel optimistic. I've been under this demons spell for so long. Don't know what to do about it any more.
Just a little blurb here as my Doctor called me on Friday to tell me she looked at my scans, and it's not that my fallopian is closed, so much as that a fibroid outside of my uterus is pressing against it and blocking it. She wants to proceed as planned feeling that my uterus is clean and able to carry a child and she will put me on clomid to up my egg production so that my chances are increased. I'm hoping that it works and doesn't take forever...not so much worried about the trying but somewhat concerned about the financial. I have savings but don't want to spend it all on sperm as that's my nest egg for my maternity leave. I'm hoping that if and when a baby comes I can take at least 6 months off (unpaid) leave. I've accumulated about 3 months of time off not including the 1 1/2 week of reserve time I have put aside that I don't want to tap. We'll see how it goes. In a year (to nine months) I should have another month and a half of time to take off hopefully but want to have at least 3 months salary put away just in case I don't have the time I can at least coast a while.
Anyhow that's my story. Not too great. Hate the food thing..it's the one thing in my life I feel I'm unable to really get a grip of.
Just a little blurb here as my Doctor called me on Friday to tell me she looked at my scans, and it's not that my fallopian is closed, so much as that a fibroid outside of my uterus is pressing against it and blocking it. She wants to proceed as planned feeling that my uterus is clean and able to carry a child and she will put me on clomid to up my egg production so that my chances are increased. I'm hoping that it works and doesn't take forever...not so much worried about the trying but somewhat concerned about the financial. I have savings but don't want to spend it all on sperm as that's my nest egg for my maternity leave. I'm hoping that if and when a baby comes I can take at least 6 months off (unpaid) leave. I've accumulated about 3 months of time off not including the 1 1/2 week of reserve time I have put aside that I don't want to tap. We'll see how it goes. In a year (to nine months) I should have another month and a half of time to take off hopefully but want to have at least 3 months salary put away just in case I don't have the time I can at least coast a while.
Anyhow that's my story. Not too great. Hate the food thing..it's the one thing in my life I feel I'm unable to really get a grip of.
Monday, June 27, 2011
Food
So this new food plan I'm trying is sort of kicking my ass and sort of getting me in line. This feels very similar to when I quit smoking two years ago and you get that irritable feeling where you know if you just took one hit of a smoke you'd be okay. I sort of changed the food plan slightly only because my body can't tolerate the quantity of vegetables it's suggesting and I wouldn't be able to make it through the work day comfortably.
This is what I had today:
Breakfast:1 C. of fiber cereal dry with one hard boiled egg.
Lunch: 3oz of fish with 1/3 cup of brown rice and 1/2 cup spinach (this was lunch and it was not good).
(I was supposed to have a fruit with breakfast but knew I couldn't tolerate it so ate this around 11 a.m.:1/2 C apple sauce, with 1 cheese stick)
coffee at 5:30 (a total no-no)
Dinner: 1-1/2 C cereal with skim milk, and hard boiled egg. 1 apple
This isn't exactly the OA food plan but it's semi close and though it didn't leave me full it was tolerable.
I had initially bought larger quantities of lunch with me but gave half to my office mate.
I have an office mate. I'm the only person in my department who shares an office, though this was at my request. We have two people who work with us from outside agencies on a temporary basis (1 to 2 years). They are both older folks in their 60's who do light work. I was lucky enough to be assigned one. Her name is Mattie, though I call her Ms. Mattie and as you may have guessed, she's from the South which I find charming. She is not, however, you're typical southern granny or anything like that. She is (though only I know this) a recovering crack addict with over 20 years of clean time. She went to my first OA meeting with me and though I recognize she's not 100% legit, she's been both good to me and good for me. She was one of the things that helped pick me up when I wasn't right. I'm a firm believer in the cliche that there are no coincidences in life, and Ms. Mattie came into my life for a reason. Whenever she's there (she calls out a lot), I'm less likely to slip and try and make conversation with one of the crazies at work or find myself in a tangle of words with someone. It gives me company that's non-threatening. She's also hilarious as she witnesses the shit the goes on, stays quiet throughout and then gives me the look or makes a little comment like.."okay!"..Because she only works for me and is only exposed in small quantities to the craziness, it's hilarious when she's witness to it, and she'll ask me, "did you hear what she said" or "are you gonna tolerate that"...very funny...she doesn't get that if you are a state worker it's almost impossible to get fired so yes, they can say that to me..
Anyway, Ms. Mattie helped me too. She witnessed madness and because she's in recovery, helped me with the 'letting go, letting God' thing. She also said I opened her eyes to her situation too and agrees with me that we came together for a reason. She's raising a grandchild and at times her judgment is not good. As is often the case with addiction, it runs in families and Ms. Mattie unhappily has custody of a grandchild with a learning disability.When I first met her she'd only had her for a short time and would say very negative things. We talked about the situation at length and several months later she told me that during one of the conversations I said something that shook her. She said I told her "poor thing, it must be hard to not really be wanted anywhere and know it". She said she never thought of her granddaughter feeling this and had only thought of herself. So we talk shit through and help each other out when we can. I have two complaints about Ms. Mattie though: she brings in stinky food and she wears a lotion that smells like over ripe fruit that a cousin of hers makes at home. I've given her several lotions and potions in the hope she'll switch off but nope...Oh well, small price to pay. She's one of my people. She doesn't really help much when it comes to work but she does sort my huge piles of mail and she also keeps me good company.
I have two other "people" at work. My friend Kay, who is a doll but has some OCD and my friend Jo-ann who everyone refers to as 'Crazy Jo-ann'. Jo-ann aint crazy...Jo-ann had one of the most horrific cases of child abuse I have ever heard of in my life, both physical, and sexual abuse. She acts crazy to keep people away and boy does it work. We became good friends, not only because she got me the connection for this job, but because I called her on her defense mechanism and she asked me how I knew. We've been tight ever since and boy is she a character but underneath it all, she's the sweetest most harmless person you could ever want to meet, and smart as anything. Whenever she asks me if I think she's crazy I tell her, "yeah, like a fox" because that really is the situation with her. Love her and love Kay. Kay is a little different. Where Jo-ann is wild like the wind, Kay is straitlaced and somewhat uptight. She is definitely, no exaggeration, a glass nowhere near full, kind of person. If she won lotto, she'd complain about the ride to the bank to cash the check, but aside from that (which can be annoying at times) she's as good as they get. Kay came to the hospital every single day when I was in the isolation room for cancer treatment. She'd bring me plastic bags to put the hospital food in as once it was in the room it couldn't leave, and they'd slide it across the floor every day while I yelled no! but that shit would come in to stink up my room while I was fighting nausea and once it was in, I was stuck with it. So Kay would bring me tons of bags to wrap it up so the stink wouldn't be so bad. She also has never betrayed me at work and she's the only person from work that I go out with outside of work. I trust her with my life and I believe the feeling is mutual. She is the only person at work that manages to stay away from everyone..she just refuses to deal with them. I find her ability to manage this fascinating.
Work today was surprisingly okay. My meanest chick called out sick (woo hoo! more work for me but who gives a shit), second runner up had the day off, and the Queen B (boss) was out in a meeting all day. So it was an unexpectedly low key day. Just as a side note, I hardly ever see my boss any more. All communication is via email. I avoid her and I believe she avoids me as well. The less contact we have the better. When she first became the boss she tried having supervision meetings with me but I think she felt uncomfortable. See I had caught her in a pack of lies and a game of manipulation and I let her know it. Yeah, she has good reason to dislike me but that's me; the repercussions might kill me, but I'll let you know when you're lying/ being sheisty. Believe it or not my old boss, before this chick, loved me. Loved me so much she changed the regs to be able to get me into this job title that I have now..loved me and I really liked her too and though the people we worked with were still animals, it makes a big difference to have a boss who's legit when you're getting clobbered, than to have a sheisty one who won't back you up. If you'd of told me two years ago that this was how things would turn out I wouldn't have believed it.
Anyhow enough about all that craziness. I did something that is probably a little crazy but once in a while I like to indulge my nutty side (well, maybe more often than I should). I ordered a maternity top. It was on clearance from the Gap online ($14!) and I got it in the mail yesterday. I know it's premature but one can dream a little..it's not like I bought baby clothes or anything and anyhow I tried it on and I can totally get away with it as a regular big winter top...the long and the short..who cares...made me feel good and it's like my little secret. My family has no idea I'm trying to get PG and the other day I was going to tell my older sister and then I said you know what Gem, rather than have them shit all over your little moment of happiness, just wait til you're PG to say it and I think that was a smart move. I have 2 sisters and a brother. One of my sibs is severely mentally disabled and much younger than the rest of us but the other two have never been married or had children either. I call this the Ralat curse..All of us wanted the whole picture but for whatever reason none of us got it and my oldest sister really wanted it but wouldn't consider having a child without a man. Any time I brought up wanting to do it alone she wouldn't say anything back so I thought to myself, rather than get my feelings hurt or have her say some little green monster comment, I'll keep it to myself unless absolutely necessary. Unlike me they don't live close by, though my sister comes to help with my disabled sib often. We all kind of share the responsibility. Both of my parents are alive though divorced and live within 2 blocks of each other but my mom has early dementia and my father and I just started to get our relationship back in order which is a relief I tell you. My dad has legal blindness and plus they're super old so can't really help as much with the sick sib. BTW my sick sib is very adorable and I don't resent caring for them at all though at times it's been extremely trying as they are extremely oppositional and head strong...they're adopted and I swear it's chopped a good 10 years off all of our lives but it has also given us a reason for being. My father, who at times can be so introspective, recently made the comment that "D" has been our baby all these years and that is so true....he's been our surrogate child.
.
This is what I had today:
Breakfast:1 C. of fiber cereal dry with one hard boiled egg.
Lunch: 3oz of fish with 1/3 cup of brown rice and 1/2 cup spinach (this was lunch and it was not good).
(I was supposed to have a fruit with breakfast but knew I couldn't tolerate it so ate this around 11 a.m.:1/2 C apple sauce, with 1 cheese stick)
coffee at 5:30 (a total no-no)
Dinner: 1-1/2 C cereal with skim milk, and hard boiled egg. 1 apple
This isn't exactly the OA food plan but it's semi close and though it didn't leave me full it was tolerable.
I had initially bought larger quantities of lunch with me but gave half to my office mate.
I have an office mate. I'm the only person in my department who shares an office, though this was at my request. We have two people who work with us from outside agencies on a temporary basis (1 to 2 years). They are both older folks in their 60's who do light work. I was lucky enough to be assigned one. Her name is Mattie, though I call her Ms. Mattie and as you may have guessed, she's from the South which I find charming. She is not, however, you're typical southern granny or anything like that. She is (though only I know this) a recovering crack addict with over 20 years of clean time. She went to my first OA meeting with me and though I recognize she's not 100% legit, she's been both good to me and good for me. She was one of the things that helped pick me up when I wasn't right. I'm a firm believer in the cliche that there are no coincidences in life, and Ms. Mattie came into my life for a reason. Whenever she's there (she calls out a lot), I'm less likely to slip and try and make conversation with one of the crazies at work or find myself in a tangle of words with someone. It gives me company that's non-threatening. She's also hilarious as she witnesses the shit the goes on, stays quiet throughout and then gives me the look or makes a little comment like.."okay!"..Because she only works for me and is only exposed in small quantities to the craziness, it's hilarious when she's witness to it, and she'll ask me, "did you hear what she said" or "are you gonna tolerate that"...very funny...she doesn't get that if you are a state worker it's almost impossible to get fired so yes, they can say that to me..
Anyway, Ms. Mattie helped me too. She witnessed madness and because she's in recovery, helped me with the 'letting go, letting God' thing. She also said I opened her eyes to her situation too and agrees with me that we came together for a reason. She's raising a grandchild and at times her judgment is not good. As is often the case with addiction, it runs in families and Ms. Mattie unhappily has custody of a grandchild with a learning disability.When I first met her she'd only had her for a short time and would say very negative things. We talked about the situation at length and several months later she told me that during one of the conversations I said something that shook her. She said I told her "poor thing, it must be hard to not really be wanted anywhere and know it". She said she never thought of her granddaughter feeling this and had only thought of herself. So we talk shit through and help each other out when we can. I have two complaints about Ms. Mattie though: she brings in stinky food and she wears a lotion that smells like over ripe fruit that a cousin of hers makes at home. I've given her several lotions and potions in the hope she'll switch off but nope...Oh well, small price to pay. She's one of my people. She doesn't really help much when it comes to work but she does sort my huge piles of mail and she also keeps me good company.
I have two other "people" at work. My friend Kay, who is a doll but has some OCD and my friend Jo-ann who everyone refers to as 'Crazy Jo-ann'. Jo-ann aint crazy...Jo-ann had one of the most horrific cases of child abuse I have ever heard of in my life, both physical, and sexual abuse. She acts crazy to keep people away and boy does it work. We became good friends, not only because she got me the connection for this job, but because I called her on her defense mechanism and she asked me how I knew. We've been tight ever since and boy is she a character but underneath it all, she's the sweetest most harmless person you could ever want to meet, and smart as anything. Whenever she asks me if I think she's crazy I tell her, "yeah, like a fox" because that really is the situation with her. Love her and love Kay. Kay is a little different. Where Jo-ann is wild like the wind, Kay is straitlaced and somewhat uptight. She is definitely, no exaggeration, a glass nowhere near full, kind of person. If she won lotto, she'd complain about the ride to the bank to cash the check, but aside from that (which can be annoying at times) she's as good as they get. Kay came to the hospital every single day when I was in the isolation room for cancer treatment. She'd bring me plastic bags to put the hospital food in as once it was in the room it couldn't leave, and they'd slide it across the floor every day while I yelled no! but that shit would come in to stink up my room while I was fighting nausea and once it was in, I was stuck with it. So Kay would bring me tons of bags to wrap it up so the stink wouldn't be so bad. She also has never betrayed me at work and she's the only person from work that I go out with outside of work. I trust her with my life and I believe the feeling is mutual. She is the only person at work that manages to stay away from everyone..she just refuses to deal with them. I find her ability to manage this fascinating.
Work today was surprisingly okay. My meanest chick called out sick (woo hoo! more work for me but who gives a shit), second runner up had the day off, and the Queen B (boss) was out in a meeting all day. So it was an unexpectedly low key day. Just as a side note, I hardly ever see my boss any more. All communication is via email. I avoid her and I believe she avoids me as well. The less contact we have the better. When she first became the boss she tried having supervision meetings with me but I think she felt uncomfortable. See I had caught her in a pack of lies and a game of manipulation and I let her know it. Yeah, she has good reason to dislike me but that's me; the repercussions might kill me, but I'll let you know when you're lying/ being sheisty. Believe it or not my old boss, before this chick, loved me. Loved me so much she changed the regs to be able to get me into this job title that I have now..loved me and I really liked her too and though the people we worked with were still animals, it makes a big difference to have a boss who's legit when you're getting clobbered, than to have a sheisty one who won't back you up. If you'd of told me two years ago that this was how things would turn out I wouldn't have believed it.
Anyhow enough about all that craziness. I did something that is probably a little crazy but once in a while I like to indulge my nutty side (well, maybe more often than I should). I ordered a maternity top. It was on clearance from the Gap online ($14!) and I got it in the mail yesterday. I know it's premature but one can dream a little..it's not like I bought baby clothes or anything and anyhow I tried it on and I can totally get away with it as a regular big winter top...the long and the short..who cares...made me feel good and it's like my little secret. My family has no idea I'm trying to get PG and the other day I was going to tell my older sister and then I said you know what Gem, rather than have them shit all over your little moment of happiness, just wait til you're PG to say it and I think that was a smart move. I have 2 sisters and a brother. One of my sibs is severely mentally disabled and much younger than the rest of us but the other two have never been married or had children either. I call this the Ralat curse..All of us wanted the whole picture but for whatever reason none of us got it and my oldest sister really wanted it but wouldn't consider having a child without a man. Any time I brought up wanting to do it alone she wouldn't say anything back so I thought to myself, rather than get my feelings hurt or have her say some little green monster comment, I'll keep it to myself unless absolutely necessary. Unlike me they don't live close by, though my sister comes to help with my disabled sib often. We all kind of share the responsibility. Both of my parents are alive though divorced and live within 2 blocks of each other but my mom has early dementia and my father and I just started to get our relationship back in order which is a relief I tell you. My dad has legal blindness and plus they're super old so can't really help as much with the sick sib. BTW my sick sib is very adorable and I don't resent caring for them at all though at times it's been extremely trying as they are extremely oppositional and head strong...they're adopted and I swear it's chopped a good 10 years off all of our lives but it has also given us a reason for being. My father, who at times can be so introspective, recently made the comment that "D" has been our baby all these years and that is so true....he's been our surrogate child.
.
Saturday, June 25, 2011
Crazy food addiction
So I decided to start trying to follow the 90 day OA plan (no flour, no sugar, no artificial sweetener, no whatever the frick) today. I started my day off with a bowl of plain oatmeal flavored with a little cinnamon, a cup of coffee which is not allowed, and minus the fruit as my stomach can't deal with fruit and I had to go to Weight watchers this a.m. So breakfast was fine...ate it and felt fine. I go to WW, lost 3.8 lbs (no celebration as this is the 4 I gained last week with my friggin period), ran to my friend's house who had pregnancy books for me, and ran home starving. I wanted to stop and buy some fish as I thought it'd be nice to have fish, brown rice and some spinach or other veg but of course was too hungry to start shopping so I came home, put a few baby potatoes to nuke, scrambled an egg along with a container of egg white, and sauteed some broccolli with onions and peppers. (I mixed the eggs with the broccolli and put some reduced fat cheese on top). Ate all of that and felt that crazy feeling you get when you need a little sugar or a cracker or piece of bread so had a piece of fruit..still no good. So I'm sitting here with my bottle of seltzer saying "listen you crazy animal..settle down now, settle down".
If you haven't spent your entire life dieting, researching dieting, learning about compulsive overeating, and why people who are fat stay fat, you're probably thinking, wtf is wrong with this chick? But whether we choose to acknowledge it or not, thinking that the person just has to diet and excercise, is somewhat primitive and ignorant; if you have half a brain cell, you'd have to acknowledge that there is more to the problem than that but my point is not to lecture..my point is: I have a serious problem with food. Now you're probably thinking I'm one of those people that have to be forklifted out of my house...that's not the case at all as I excercise daily and have a regular life, and though I'm overweight it's not stand out overweight...
nonetheless, my addiction to food is very real, very heart breaking, very painful.
How I first made the final decision to start trying to get pregnant was related to my weight. Last month I'm at the doctor's office..my regular G.P. and she is flipping through my chart commenting that I've gained a tremendous amount of weight in the last few years.."How come?" she says. "Cancer and quitting smoking", I say. She nods. I explain how I can't seem to get it off and she says "have you considered...", "Lap band", I say. "Yes" she says. I explain that I am now at a crossroads in my life where though I have considered lap band I would like to have a child though I'm uncertain if perhaps I'm too overweight? "Oh no", she says.."go have your baby. Lap band can wait a few years". and right there I could have cried with joy...I cry as I write this. So here I am ..day one of the OA 90 day, struggling but still trying as I know the lighter I am the better off I am.
I've been going to OA for about maybe 5 months however I only go to one meeting. It's a meeting made up of mostly Orthodox jewish women which is fine with me as I am able to keep my identity on the DL (I know a lot of people and they know me right back and they're the good, the bad, and the ugly). So this meeting with these women, who are too kind to the Puerto Rican girl who shows up each week, give me strength, hope, and the will to keep trying to lose with the help of God and the sisterhood who transcends all Religions, and all cultures.
I mentioned in another post that I had experienced something traumatic. I'm not going to go into detail but suffice is to say it happened at work, it was an incident of bullying and emotional abuse by a male colleague, and depending who you speak to, you may or may not feel I deserved it. Doesn't really matter as I've made my peace with that issue as well. As I had previously described, it left me feeling like a dog that'd been run over on the street and I honestly didn't think I would ever recover. I found a new therapist who has been supportive (of course she is retiring in a month), who suggested OA and though I was resistant, I trust this lady. I met her after my regular therapist who I'd been seeing for years emotionally abandoned me, and I had tried some other chick who insisted on speaking with a baby voice unless I reminded her that I needed her to talk to me regular (you think I'm effing kidding? I'm not.). Picture being at one of your darkest moments and everywhere you turn you encounter what appears to be crazy. You know those horror movies where there's a person who is scared and running and they keep bumping into some distorted clown figure or the like? That's how I felt...everywhere I looked..instability and dysfunction. So when I found this lady, I wanted to go home with her, cling to her, have her protect me from the demons in my head, and at my job, and from my family (yes them too). I felt like an infant who had been battered and left outside to die and I didn't think my psyche would actually make it but we humans are resilient. My therapist says to me all the time that I'm brave...if she had met the me who I used to be she would have thought I was a warrior!..but that person..she was clobbered too many times...by too many things...molestation, parents who couldn't protect her, by a sick sibling, by cancer, by an abusive coworker, an asshole boss, and by life...so now, there's just me..I'm no longer a warrior but I can fake it a little and I have my moments. You fuck with me...you're going down, maybe not physically but verbally...I don't take shit anymore and I don't get upset at people like I used to. It's sort of a zen feeling where I can tell you off, get super heated and it's gone..poof..it doesn't stay inside. How? you ask..no. It's not How..it's why? Because I don't give a shit about those people any more. Those people who try to squash you down with their words and make you feel less than. I know who "my people" are now, after so many heartbreaking losses, and I was surprised to find that "my people" are many. I have a lot of people on my team and I love them..it's clear now whereas before I loved them but I loved too many who just wanted to be seen with me.. a person who had something. If I sound like an ego maniac, please excuse me, as though I'm not super special and won't mention what I do, I have a semi-important job where you might want to know me. Anyhow, that's that. I went from a person who was somewhat stable to a person who gets frequent anxiety attacks and for a while flackbacks. A shrink I saw said I was suffering from PTSD...I think he's right but enough about that. I go to OA to be with the women..I call them the Canadians..don't ask. So I go see the Canadians every Tuesday and it helps. It helps me stay connected to my higher power, God, who I had all but abandoned until I was on my knees beggin for mercy from the pain..just begging from the pain, and I'm up, I'm walking, it's still painful but I'm functioning, trying to have my baby.
So some may be thinking, Chick is crazy, that may be, but my thinking is, where the eff else can you go to rant and ramble.
If you haven't spent your entire life dieting, researching dieting, learning about compulsive overeating, and why people who are fat stay fat, you're probably thinking, wtf is wrong with this chick? But whether we choose to acknowledge it or not, thinking that the person just has to diet and excercise, is somewhat primitive and ignorant; if you have half a brain cell, you'd have to acknowledge that there is more to the problem than that but my point is not to lecture..my point is: I have a serious problem with food. Now you're probably thinking I'm one of those people that have to be forklifted out of my house...that's not the case at all as I excercise daily and have a regular life, and though I'm overweight it's not stand out overweight...
nonetheless, my addiction to food is very real, very heart breaking, very painful.
How I first made the final decision to start trying to get pregnant was related to my weight. Last month I'm at the doctor's office..my regular G.P. and she is flipping through my chart commenting that I've gained a tremendous amount of weight in the last few years.."How come?" she says. "Cancer and quitting smoking", I say. She nods. I explain how I can't seem to get it off and she says "have you considered...", "Lap band", I say. "Yes" she says. I explain that I am now at a crossroads in my life where though I have considered lap band I would like to have a child though I'm uncertain if perhaps I'm too overweight? "Oh no", she says.."go have your baby. Lap band can wait a few years". and right there I could have cried with joy...I cry as I write this. So here I am ..day one of the OA 90 day, struggling but still trying as I know the lighter I am the better off I am.
I've been going to OA for about maybe 5 months however I only go to one meeting. It's a meeting made up of mostly Orthodox jewish women which is fine with me as I am able to keep my identity on the DL (I know a lot of people and they know me right back and they're the good, the bad, and the ugly). So this meeting with these women, who are too kind to the Puerto Rican girl who shows up each week, give me strength, hope, and the will to keep trying to lose with the help of God and the sisterhood who transcends all Religions, and all cultures.
I mentioned in another post that I had experienced something traumatic. I'm not going to go into detail but suffice is to say it happened at work, it was an incident of bullying and emotional abuse by a male colleague, and depending who you speak to, you may or may not feel I deserved it. Doesn't really matter as I've made my peace with that issue as well. As I had previously described, it left me feeling like a dog that'd been run over on the street and I honestly didn't think I would ever recover. I found a new therapist who has been supportive (of course she is retiring in a month), who suggested OA and though I was resistant, I trust this lady. I met her after my regular therapist who I'd been seeing for years emotionally abandoned me, and I had tried some other chick who insisted on speaking with a baby voice unless I reminded her that I needed her to talk to me regular (you think I'm effing kidding? I'm not.). Picture being at one of your darkest moments and everywhere you turn you encounter what appears to be crazy. You know those horror movies where there's a person who is scared and running and they keep bumping into some distorted clown figure or the like? That's how I felt...everywhere I looked..instability and dysfunction. So when I found this lady, I wanted to go home with her, cling to her, have her protect me from the demons in my head, and at my job, and from my family (yes them too). I felt like an infant who had been battered and left outside to die and I didn't think my psyche would actually make it but we humans are resilient. My therapist says to me all the time that I'm brave...if she had met the me who I used to be she would have thought I was a warrior!..but that person..she was clobbered too many times...by too many things...molestation, parents who couldn't protect her, by a sick sibling, by cancer, by an abusive coworker, an asshole boss, and by life...so now, there's just me..I'm no longer a warrior but I can fake it a little and I have my moments. You fuck with me...you're going down, maybe not physically but verbally...I don't take shit anymore and I don't get upset at people like I used to. It's sort of a zen feeling where I can tell you off, get super heated and it's gone..poof..it doesn't stay inside. How? you ask..no. It's not How..it's why? Because I don't give a shit about those people any more. Those people who try to squash you down with their words and make you feel less than. I know who "my people" are now, after so many heartbreaking losses, and I was surprised to find that "my people" are many. I have a lot of people on my team and I love them..it's clear now whereas before I loved them but I loved too many who just wanted to be seen with me.. a person who had something. If I sound like an ego maniac, please excuse me, as though I'm not super special and won't mention what I do, I have a semi-important job where you might want to know me. Anyhow, that's that. I went from a person who was somewhat stable to a person who gets frequent anxiety attacks and for a while flackbacks. A shrink I saw said I was suffering from PTSD...I think he's right but enough about that. I go to OA to be with the women..I call them the Canadians..don't ask. So I go see the Canadians every Tuesday and it helps. It helps me stay connected to my higher power, God, who I had all but abandoned until I was on my knees beggin for mercy from the pain..just begging from the pain, and I'm up, I'm walking, it's still painful but I'm functioning, trying to have my baby.
So some may be thinking, Chick is crazy, that may be, but my thinking is, where the eff else can you go to rant and ramble.
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