feeling shitty a/k/a Sunday

I totally lost it today at my mom's ..not screaming kind of lost it but bailed on everyone kind of lost it.   I couldn't take being with them any more and it's like I explained to my older sib when they asked me why I was suddenly pissed, I just felt like I was being held hostage. We had gone out to dinner for my mother's birthday which was fine but long and afterwards my sib says we're going to the supermarket to buy shit for my father. I didn't want to go but it was either go with them or drive the car home and pick them up and then, after spending what seemed like an eternity at the supermarket walking on eggshells because younger sib was grouchy,  we had to stop somewhere else and then go to my dads.... My sibling and my mother ended up staying at my fathers house. This normally would not be a problem however we still have not celebrated my mother's birthday meaning opening gifts and cutting a cake. It was already 7 o'clock. I go to my mothers house and I'm trying to sort through the huge mess of shit that we have left to do and finally I just lost my cool. It felt like I was never going to get out of there. Of course there was more to it than that but the gist..
It's my fault really because I find myself stressed over the amount of times spend with my family but I have choices. And really, if we delve a little deeper I'm harboring resentments against my two sibs to begin with and though I try to just ignore that piece of it all it's not easy. I need to do more to limit my time with them but then I feel like I spend too much time alone as it is....shit.
I hate when shit like this happens; when I feel like I can't take them any more, I act out, feel guilty, beat myself up, feel confused....ugh...it's too much.

On Hold

Just a quick update as I haven't written since my last meltdown. I've done nothing to work towards pregnancy. Haven't called Ms. Autumn to get the donor egg going. I've had too much with my dad, his business and work and am waiting for a bit of a lull where I can catch my breath just a little. Aside from that I guess I'm just waiting for myself to settle down emotionally.
The thing with my siblings has been eating at me more and more. Their disinterest is beyond...just beyond. I have to accept as there is nothing I can do about it and I don't want to harp on it but what is one to do. It's painful. They blatantly rejoice in other's pregnancies but won't even utter a peep of a question as to anything regarding my trying. Hurts.

It is what it is and like I said before I can't do anything about it.

Anyhow, everything else is the same; everything is chaos. I'm just trying to hang on until this all passes. It's stressful as hell and I see my father swinging back and forth getting a bit better and then worse. I wish we could get rid of some of his business as it's just too much really but it's not my decision to make. Onward.

Heavy

Tonight we went out to the movies. Older sibling and I convinced D to go. D never wants to go for fear of people, of noise, of darkness. I don't know. Anyhow, we went to go see that movie Identity Thief...don't waste your money but it was fine time really. We left there and it was still early enough to go see my father. D had not drank any of their $5.50 drink and Older sib insisted they take it with them. We go to my dad's and he is cranky as shit. He screams at us to put him to bed though the aide explained she'd just put him in the chair. We put him to bed after he yells at us a second time. He's uncomfortable and wants to sit up. He wants to lay down. He wants to sit up. He wants to get up though we convince him to just sit. He wants to lay down. Yelling at us each time. He's hot, he's hot...fan him. We stand there with one of those hand held fans waving at him. After an hour of this I tell Older sib let's go. Older sib says he's not calm yet. He's nowhere nears calm. I tell her this is every night...we'll be there til morning as he doesn't get calm..it just continues...we go back and forth...we stay a bit longer and D is falling asleep on the chair not having had their meds yet, their shower yet. I again tell Older sib let's go. My father screams don't you leave me here like this. I ask him what he wants. I need to be more comfortable he says. I go help him straining with his weight that I'm not supposed to be lifting having just had my retrieval 2 days ago. He doesn't help. I say you have to make an effort to move or you're staying there...losing any patience I may have had. I haul him over and up and finally have him straight in the bed. I feel the pressure in my neck, my back, my already aching groins. Take the sheets and blankets off and ask are you more comfortable? Yes he says. Okay we're leaving. He yells not to leave him like this. He's hot and wants more fanning. I tell him Teresa will fan him. He yells no and I say we'll see you tomorrw, D says goodbye, I tell older sib say goodbye. Older sib is in the kitchen rummaging around. What are you looking for? Let's go. I'm looking for D's drink. Are you out of your mind I say...come on...who cares about the drink..let's go. Older sib says they'll walk, pissed off now. Get in the car I say, let's just go. We're in the middle of the hood dude. Older sib is sometimes off their rocker...wanted D to walk to my mom's for a fan. Alone down the street where I was almost mugged last week...can you imagine? Did I mention I was almost mugged? This is my life and my back is killing me and I"m thinking...what the fuck am I planning to bring someone into this hell for? What the fuck?

P. fucking S.: To cap off the night, shortly after completing the top portion of this post, Tess comes into my computer room screaming at the top of her lungs, sounding like she is in agony and I can't calm her down. She's screaming and screaming. I run out of the house calling older sib to call her vet who is open 24/7 in my PJ's and crocs zooming down the road 3 towns over where they give her pills for pain as they can't find anything. Vet is guessing it's her knees coming out of her sockets due to her fucked up patella whatsamawhosit... She also completed emptied her anal glands causing a funky odor..I come home to find I never locked the door, dropped my cell and my IPAD on my dining room floor. And that my friends is a wonderful Saturday night in the life of Gem. But life is still good.

The other half...of the pill that is

The other half of that old Valium finally went down the hatch tonight. That my brain doesn't literally explode surprises the shit out of me. Yesterday...late yesterday...I go over to my mom's and meet my sib who said they were taking D to Target to do some shopping..would I like to come along. Um..I've done like shit worth of Christmas shopping so uh, yeah! I get there, my sibs on the horn with the other sib...we've got nobody to watch my dad today, Teresa called out. When did she call out I ask? Last week. What? What!? and we're trying to figure this shit out the night before? Older sib gets a puss on when I suggest we take turns...arguing with other sib...I say, Hang up and call the day chick. The day chick so far, Rocks...kind, considerate, and will do anything no qualms. Sib is like, she can't do another day. I say just call her ass and see if she knows someone. I get my cell and call myself. She says she's calling a friend, what's the rate for the day, how long and she'll let me know in a few. Calls me back in half hour and it's covered. The anxiety that erupted in my chest over the shit...not so fast to go away.

Today I'm freaked as nobody seems to have any fire under their ass about moving my dad's shit, packing up, nothing. I speak to both sibs who say, "you think we need to start". WTF fellas really? I won't get into it..it's just stupid and long. We haven't packed shit. Younger sib says they'll meet me there tomorrow to pack. Neither know what I'm up to tomorrow so I tell them I'll call after "work".

Kay calls me tonight and I vomit my problems to her over the phone. I explain I cancelled my therapy session as I don't want to share tomorrow with anybody whether it's good or bad except for Kay of course who if I was a lesbian I would marry as she's just too good to me. Anyhow, she says, Gem, take the other half of that Valium, get some sleep tonight and try not to think about it. I decide to go ahead and take it and the anxiety has subsided. I'll sleep in a bit but wanted to just share this whatever this is, here, where I can say what I need.

I wonder at times when I'll find some peace...to have a baby I imagine you need some peace for that egg to want to hold onto. I don't remember a time where I had that. Always chaos in my life. Hoping for the best tomorrow but trying to prepare myself for the worst. Time will tell.

Life's whirlwinds

So right before we left on our trip my father had gone into the hospital with a blood clot in his arm that caused it to swell to ridiculously large proportions. We thought he'd go in and that would be the end but apparently it triggered more damage to what had already occurred with the stroke and the dude began to hallucinate and become violent, was put on psychiatric meds and ultimately transferred to a nursing home where he is now. The hallucinations for the most part have subsided. When I tell you this is so unlike my father I cannot even explain. My father is one of those people who never gets their feathers ruffled...Never..Ever. Have never seen him explode in anger or yell a day in his life. When he's going to be an asshole to you he does it in a calm collected, piss you off even more way. It was needless to say a stressful trip as we'd left my younger sibling here alone with the situation and they were starting to unravel under the pressure. We visited him the same night we got in and the yesterday as well and he is so not the same but that's life I suppose. He's a skeleton and when we visited him yesterday he had just finished puking his guts out. We're hoping to get his new apartment set up as soon as the tenants move out though they're taking their sweet fucking time. On top of this his brother came in from the country he's from and he stopped by my mom's yesterday. I saw he was wearing my father's favorite baseball cap which pissed me off as last time he left with a brand new pair of my father's shoes. It seems everyone tries to take advantage of whatever situation they can. The women that are caring for him are not excluded from this, at least the overnight person seems to be. The day person seems to be excellent and I'm hoping this isn't all just an optical illusion.

As far as the trip went there's nothing much to say. Everyone was kind, everyone was broke. We gave out as much money to whichever family members seemed to need it the most but it's never really enough. What do you do? I would like to send my cousin Vanessa some money though it's awkward. She asked to borrow a few thousand from me earlier this year and I sent it to her with her promising to get it back to me this December which doesn't look likely. I'll send her some for Christmas though I know it'll never be the amount she needs. The economy over there is ridiculous really...what do you do? Aside from all that mess and I won't mention the gossip pool they've got rolling over there, we were stressed and quiet the entire trip knowing that my father over here was not well and my sib was falling apart. When we landed I could have kissed the fucking dirty ground I was so relieved and I slept the sleep of death on the cab ride home as I hadn't slept peacefully the whole trip...just an hour or two at a pop.

Ohhh, I almost forgot, I went to see a psychic over there who said without a cleansing she didn't foresee me having any children or a marriage as someone had cursed me. Now I believe in psychics but this chick seemed to just be looking for $$ so I don't believe it...can't believe it. She said more about a spirit of a little girl floating around me trying to get to me but mostly I had to lead her in the right direction and I've been to my share where you don't have to say shit so..that was that. It was kind of scary as I'd never gone to a potions type of person but ... Whatever. Life is life and my thoughts are I'll try to make mine what I want and if it doesn't work out so be it.

In a few weeks I go see the new doctor. I'm scared she won't take me. I was doing comparison success rates between that clinic and my old one but one of them used percentages and the other used fractions and Lord help me if I can try to figure it out. I did what I could mentally with my underutilized math and it seems like the new clinic has much better percentage rates but really I guess it's all up to God and the fates. Time will tell.

I'm tired from all of this but feel like I accomplished something just getting through it. I'm sure there's more to come and we'll see what that is.

Shit

I've been feeling more emotional lately. I actually broke down at the Korean food market in front of one of my sibs which is so unlike me I can't even tell you. My mom's old neighbor was there. She is like a grandmother to us or more to D really and I love her though I could probably do a better job showing it. She looks terrible. I looked at her and actually saw what she would like look in her casket; that's what she looked like. I broke down...I had trouble just speaking to her as it broke my heart too much really. I keep her savings in an account in my name and I just told her to stop saving any more money as she has too much in there (about 20K). She told me it's just in case something happens...code for in case I die. I told her it's more than enough for what she would need. She told me okay that she wouldn't put more away. Heartbreaking talk. Just heartbreaking. A kinder soul you'd never meet and she's been through too much in her life, lost her 3 little girls when they were all young...I don't know how she's not still howling at the moon in pain and agony really.

Today is my father's birthday. He is in the hospital. Also saddens me. He's not who he once was. It seems everyone is falling apart and pretty soon there'll be no family left except for the sibs as they're all just falling apart.

Looming in the background of all of this is my babies that don't exist. Yesterday someone came to my job with a 2 week old little baby who was just precious. The woman, who probably thought I was a complete loon, let me hold him. He was beyond sweet and I held him for as long as didn't appear crazy. She had 3 other kids and had stabbed the baby's father the day before. Awesome. This is my life. I get to see all the crack head criminals with their babies that they will ultimately introduce into the system, and I stand to the side and get bupkis. Awesome. But that's life I suppose and who the fuck am I?

So I'm feeling a bit sad and tomorrow I leave to visit my family and confirm my cousin's daughter in Puerto Rico. I'm half Puerto Rican on my mother's side. I'm there for 5 days with my older sib and with D. D is having a hard time with all of this and I'm scared of what will actually happen when my mom's neighbor dies (D calls them every morning) or when my father goes though I don't think my father will go in the immediate future, or when my mother goes as I have the feeling that she will go suddenly...just a hunch....what the frick do I know really?

I read a quote today about people not realizing that there's not that much time and it so resonated with me. My old therapist used to say that I was living the unlived life and though I don't completely agree with her it's haunted me always. The thing I keep thinking is that I spent so much time feeling shy, insecure, not good enough, not woman enough that I did neglect large parts of my life. The part where you throw some caution to the wind and try out some guys and the baby part. I should have done all of this when I was younger. Even now I don't try with men. It's the not feeling woman enough, or good enough. Mattie at work made me a feel a bit better this week. One of the guards at work has a crush on me and every time I see him he says something to me. He's gross btw. I tell Mattie and ask her if I'm being too pick and I know she'll shoot straight as she's from the complete hood and she says, "What!? You're out of his league. What is he thinking?" Made me feel better. Sometimes I worry that I've been too picky and hence ended up with nothing but in truth I think that the people who were interested in me weren't good enough and I knew it...except for asshole but asshole too really. Oh well. I could deal with no man, it's the no baby thing that is just killing me. Shit.

Anyhow, that's my life in a nutshell. Lexie will be staying with Tess here at the condo which I hope works out...hope Lexi loves Tess enough as she's used to a million hugs a day. I'm a typical insane dog owner but it's all I have really. So that's that. I'm hoping my trip is fun at least a little. Hope I get to sit by the hotel pool with a cocktail at least once. Just need a little peace...just a little.

Catching up

My father is home with round the clock care and the compulsion to go there every day left me as soon as he was home. I'm glad. It was weird and in the time I spent with him after so many years of a distant relationship I learned several things: people love him. I mean people LOVVVVVVVE him. I should be so lucky in my life to have 1/10th of the people who love him love me. He's loved and has helped a ton of people...a legend in his community...impressive really. I also learned that he is all too human and I guess as his adult child that is something I didn't want to know. The truth is that obviously I knew he wasn't perfect...I mean I no longer have the father/daughter relationship and haven't for about 20 years now which is fine. But I learned more than I could deal with and it made me feel that I didn't want to hang with him any more.

I'm going to put this out there because well, it's the truth, this is anonymous, if anyone does find out my true identity they were just nosey assholes, and last but most importantly, the reason I started this blog, aside from putting down my journey was to be a healthier person...so here goes nothing..

When I started therapy with this new chick, the reason she got my attention was she made one observation; she basically said the reason I'm single is related to my relationship with my father. Am I comfortable with this thought? No. Is it probably true? Yes. My father was not a horrible person. He really wasn't. But he was definitely emotionally abusive in a household that needed no other type of abuse. We all went through a lot emotionally with him or, wait, I'll keep it in the "I" and say I feel like I went through a lot emotionally with him. Between the period of time where he refused to speak to us, his flip flopping on decisions and taking things promised away from us, and his affairs, it was ridiculously unbearable at times. Compared to my mother's emotional rollercoastering he was the more stable, believe it or not. There's more but I won't bore you with the woe is me tails. He did the best that he knew how or maybe he did what he though...the bottom line is it's over. My idea of men if it came from him was not good and spending all this time with him I found out a secret. He has a sexually transmitted disease. There. I said it. It disgusts me. The minute I found out it was like I was moving backwards at the speed of light away from him...the straw that broke the camels back. Too human, too gross, too not what a daughter wants to know about a father. My sibs seem fine with it or at least they don't say anything. Me, I'm like get the fuck out of here. I visited him this past weekend but I'm pretty much done working on the relationship trying to make it something it's not. I feel like this is as close as I want to be with him and it actually made me feel closer to my crazy ass mother. Made me feel bad for her. This was the love of her life. It brought back memories for me of his affairs and our semi-awareness...the way things only partially register in your brain as a child when you're lost in your own teeny tiny school world. I remember being at my parent's business and the phone ringing incessantly and the hang ups and how this went on for years. How he was having an affair with a woman who rented from us..all the shit that you really don't register until you're older and are triggered by something else. It was a crazy life when we were little...scary a little too. There was good and bad like everybody else but there are still a lot of scars from childhood that I know my siblings share. I guess most people have their lumps that never heal. It is what it is. It affected me and though I don't credit it for my immense fear of men (oh yes my friend and you thought you knew me) it definitely added to it...that and some other unfortunate experiences...

So there it is...another secret... another piece of my mind out there. Feels better out than in.  I can't always own all this shit by myself and I have to put it out there...just release some of the pressure from my brain. I haven't been able to tell anyone about my father's secret as it's too gross and blech!! Haven't been able to tell Kay or Diana or Z though I think I would feel comfortable telling both Diana and Z when I see them maybe. It feels good to just put it out there and hey, I know people have bigger and badder shit about their parents but to me it just was too much I suppose. 

On the baby front it's getting closer to the doctor's appointment and I worry that they won't accept me as a client because of my weight...Who knows. I guess time will tell. I have this adrenaline just course through me when I think of it; a nervous energy, anxiety maybe? Not sure. All I know is that it's uncomfortable and I hate it. I hate that this is so hard for me, that it's been so hard and though I realize I'm not the only one, it feels like it. It feels like I'm alone. It feels like I'm alone with this desperation in my heart. This feeling that this chapter in my life is closing all too quickly with no baby in sight.

Not as crazy as I thought

So as I explained, I got into a fight with the sib and walked out feeling crazy as hell. Couldn't sleep that night and all the next day at work was obsessing a bit over the things they said and I thought to myself, "If I were crazy would I really know it"? I know crazy...worked with the mentally ill a huge part of my adult life and alot of them don't know they're off, so why not me? So I go see the shrink lady last night...who better to ask if you were off your rocker...and she tells me, "Gem, the reason you feel crazy after talking to  your sib is because they are bipolar...they're in a state of mania...you don't see that?"...and I explain that my sib presents very well, it doesn't seem like they're manic..they seem so in control and she went on to explain this is the reason for the no shows and then the overcompensating, the taking charge and then the inability to do anything, and finally, finally, she said what I knew all along......Her need to imply to people that there is money is a form of Grandiosity....I knew it!!!!! I kept telling Kay that my sib was posturing for lack of a more precise way to name what they were doing...She said I'm not crazy and basically said the reason I snap people's heads off or part of the reason besides that I'm a pain in the fucking ass, is that I'm frustrated by the mental illness, dementia, and retardation around me...voila my friends, chick says I'm not crazy...I'm not sure if she's right but I'll take it.

Anyhow, aside from that we talked about the baby thing. She thought it was good that I wasn't doing anything until December as it gave me time to deal with this. She brought up the topic of adoption and listen, I'm all for it, but please let me have one of my own first...

So my hands are killing me but I'd like to write more ...unfortunately..hands win.

Fighting with the Sib...shit

I went to visit my father tonight at the nursing home. My younger sib with whom I've never gotten along was there. They start off by saying they had a meeting with the accountant today and want to hire him to take over all of the managing of the properties paying him $100 per rental unit. This is a topic we discussed before. I tell them I'm not comfortable with this and would rather a family friend who'd offered to do this do it for us. I don't know how it happened really but we start to argue. They say they are the one who always has to do everything and nobody is involved. I say I've offered and nobody takes me up on it...only want me to do what they want. They bring up all kinds of shit, say I've never offered..I go back and throw up the fact that they never asked me about the trying to get preg..they say they were the last to know about it and that fact is offensive.. I'm livid and I end the conversation. I just emailed them and told them I regret the conversation and would like to be informed of any future negotiations. I'm pissed.

I'm pissed and I'm done. Have had enough of their shit. They say they walk on eggshells around me and I tell them the feeling is mutual as they are always in some sort of state of breakdown.

They shoot down everything I say and I tell them..conversation is pointless if you just shoot everything down and don't acknowledge...they deny of course. I wait a bit and finally bid farewell to my thankfully sleeping and snoring father...hightail it to pick up Tess from my mothers take her for a walk...write the infamous email and here I am telling the tail to try to get the rest of it off my chest.

I wanted to just get down and dirty and call her a fucking bitch but thought better of it thank God. Anyhow, had to get it out. Will smoke a cig and have some wine and call it a day. Whatever man. Shit.

My father, my family, and everything else

This past Tuesday my father had a stroke. D found him on the floor of his apartment and thankfully called a neighbor for help. We are all very proud of D who was able to act and save my father's life. He's still in the hospital and not doing too hot. He's stable but it's questionable as to whether or not he'll ever be able to care for himself or live alone. He is going to be going to a nursing home and then rehab though when this is happening, we're not sure. There is a disconnect between my siblings and I. I guess everyone handles things differently and my youngest sib who suffers from terrible anxiety is just really  quiet, D broke down yesterday as it'd been the first time they visited my dad (they have a fear of hospitals and the sick). As for me I'm riding an emotional and physical roller coaster between extreme sadness/depression, exhaustion, a feeling of being discluded by my siblings, and just wanting to get off this crazy ride already. Just tired and I was tired to begin with.

Tomorrow we go for an interview at the nursing home which seems so surreal to me. Everyone jokes about when their parents have to go or if they'll have to go to a nursing home but when it really happens it feels  unbelievable/surreal. The day after that we go to speak to the attorney. His affairs are not in order in case the shit hits the fan and it's a lot to take care of.

My friend from grade school called me today. We all grew up in the same area and have always stayed in touch. She used to be my best friend but was too crazy for my ass so we grew apart in our 20's. She called as my other grade school friend had called her concerned for my father. Not sure if I mentioned that my father has a catrillion friends and everybody knows him...makes me look like I don't know anybody really. Even at my job people ask me about him all the time. Anyhow, we're getting calls left and right as is my mother and it's just one big ol' mess. Anyhow, my friend called me to ask about my father and said she and her mother were planning to go visit him in the hospital. She also told me she's pregnant...of course she is.

Friday night while at the hospital my aunt mentioned her daughter, who is my age (my cousin..duh), had also been trying IVF unsuccessfully though she'd only tried 2 times...once here and once in the country where she is from. She said she had to stop due to the expense and I told my aunt to tell her to call me. Whether she will or not is uncertain as none of the cousins are close having grown up in different countries among other obstacles to a real friendship...just complicated. Anyhow it made me sad that she couldn't and that I couldn't and I thought perhaps we could share some type of whatever. I don't know. In my fantasy..we split a cycle of donor eggs and end up with sibling cousins.

I have this feeling in the pit of my lower stomach. It's a heaviness, an ache. It feels like what you feel when you get a pit in your stomach but lower...just a weight sitting there and a weight in my brain, just dragging me. When I was pulling into my complex last night I though of Dr. B and the fact that she's pregnant and I wondered if she'd given birth yet or where she was in this whole thing and I felt an overwhelming feeling of being jipped.  I know her pregnancy had nothing to do with nothing it's just the feeling of jealousy and anger....feelings so foreign to me except in this department. I don't know. Overall, I know I won't go back there. I had intended to give them all the meds in my fridge as there's tons of them which I'm sure someone can use but I know I'm done with them and I never want to go to that clinic again. Listen, they were absolute dolls, all of them couldn't have been nicer but it's just a bad place for me. I walked in there happy with hope and walked out with bubkis and it's no body's fault but it's a place I never want to see again.

Anyhow, just wanted to get this out there... Life is an ass kicker and I don't know why it continues to surprise me but it does.

La Familia

I got a phone call yesterday when I was just about ready to leave for work from my younger sib saying that my father had fallen, could not get up and was taken by ambulance to the hospital and wouldn't I be good enough to meet him there as I was the closest and they lived too far? I proceeded to curse said sibling out (because I believe I mentioned I have some issues) and said that of course!! as it's always me!! and off I went to the hospital, calling out for the day. My father and I are not tight and I believe I mentioned we spent about 13 years not speaking, yup, count them, 13 years. Why you ask? As a child whenever my father was upset with one of us he would stop speaking to us...not for an hour, a few hours, a day, or even a few days...it would last for weeks, sometimes months, and I remember for one of my sibs for over a year. We used to have to beg him day after day to speak to us until he decided it was enough and then whenever he felt like it he'd speak. So sometime in my 20's when he stopped speaking to me (I was in the middle of working on my bachelors..hence the student loan as the check left with the speaking) I'd had enough and I told him, "you're not speaking to me? Well I'm not speaking to you either" and it was ON! He ignored me and I did the same...lasted 13 years until he called me at work sometime last year or thereabouts. Anyhow off I went to the hospital yesterday...resentful as all hell. My older sib called and said they would come and I told them forget it....at around noon they both showed up. I ended up getting home after 10 p.m. as they admitted him to the hospital and I again went to visit today leaving work early to accommodate him and not overly impact Tess, who I've spent too little time with as it is. Anyhow my sibling, who has mental health problems, was there and planning to stay the whole day...a glutton for punishment not to mention how it'll impact them mentally...my father can be mentally and emotionally abusive (surprised?).

While at the hospital I received a call from D's case worker who proceeded to tell me that the program D is in will require D to participate in individual therapy in order to participate in their work program because of the fact that it was so stressful for D last time. I politely (or at least as politely as possible) explained that I felt this was punitive, that it's always the person with mental health issues that has consequences for sub-par staff (yes I said this), and asked if the staff received consequences? She said she was going to be moved to a different position upon her return from maternity leave.....I say to her, "a promotion I bet" she said nothing....So fucking sick of this. Really am. I wish D didn't want to work and my sibs hadn't told D that in order to have a relationship D needed to have a job...Yes, they said this; healthy all around my family. There's a part of me that wants to walk away from all this shit...just leave them holding the bag. When I brought it up with my younger sib who overheard the conversation sib asks, what ever happened to your search for a therapist? This because the topic so stresses me out...Fuck you I want to say to this sib who has run away from any problem D has had, who has to pop a million pills a day to cope with life and still will disappear when the going gets rough...I may not be the most tactful, the most together, the most finessed, or stress free person, but I show up, I deal. I might break down but I step up when the shit hits the fan.  I want to tell them fuck you.

But instead I tell them I deal with my idiosyncrasies...and most shrinks are too crazy any ol' way which I believe is the truth.....I don't tell them about the shrink I started seeing as really it's none of their business.

I'm tired...I'm real tired. Tired of all the shit. If it all stopped tomorrow, it wouldn't be too soon. Just done.

whacked out on the weekend as usual

I don't know what it is about the weekends that drives me crazy but it happens each and every time. I think it's a combination of having too much time to think about my own shit and too much time spent with the crazy familia. Today was fine though I woke up at the crack of ass. I really don't understand how people sleep in every weekend though I envy them as it must feel blissful. It just never happens for me...well...once a few weeks back I slept until 11 but not straight sleep of course but it was still good. Other than that it's crack of ass every day. Anyhow, it went fine until around noon when my sibling, who was going to come use the pool in my complex was texting, texting , and texting me. Fine. They says they're bringing my mother with them. Fine. They say that most likely the mother would be in and out of my house a trillion times for the bathroom...ummm..yeah, No. There's a bathroom in the clubhouse I say. They call me a few minutes later angry saying listen, there's no bathroom in the clubhouse, they're standing right there and there's nothing. Now I'm fucking pissed because this immediately upsets me...their tone I mean. So I say, "of course there's a fucking bathroom as I've been in it so don't tell me there isn't one". Why are you cursing at me they say? "Because you have an attitude and I don't need my whole fucking day ruined with it just because you decide to bring mom. Look to the right, there's a staircase going down, exactly where I told you it was and there's the bathroom". Oh, okay. I see it. Now this is typical of this sibling. Any little hiccup and they cop an attitude and the whole world has to be miserable with them. This is the same sibling who can't stand my mother, can't stand to be with her for a minute so gives her an attitude and everybody else falls in line. It's a weird phenomena that happens whenver this sib is around..they can be poison and you have to limit your time with them and beware of how they may influence you. Anyhow, I had offered all of the sibs to use the pool though I realize this too often comes with a price.  Not so much my younger sib but the older one is trouble. The younger one makes themselves scarce...can't really say I blame them... It ruined my afternoon.

I've been funking all weekend over the baby thing. Whenever it feels like I have it under some semblance of control, some small thing upset the apple cart. The whole egg donor thing did it for me. I've been sad about it and anxious about it. I have a feeling it's going to just be a huge financial disaster for me that will yield me nothing, and I'm not much of a gambler..but alas, I have no choice really. I would kick myself if I didn't try it. If there's anything to freeze..I'll have to see how I feel but for now I'm leaning that the frozens will have to be for Z to try out in her uterus for size..that is if there are any. That's the plan today anyway. When the time comes we'll see where I'm at. If there are none to freeze, I'll save my money and pay down my debt as quickly as I can and start again. Shit.

Anyhow, it's killing me this baby thing. It was interesting that when I went to the doctor this pay week she asked me if perhaps the pain was psychosomatic; that perhaps it was a result of trying so hard for a baby. I considered this for a second but no, the pain isn't psychsomatic...it's real unfortunately..she determined what it was at the end but it was an interesting thought nonetheless; that all this pain was a result of infertility. Now the pain in my heart...the crazies running through my head..those, yes, are a result of no babies.

I wrote this in two part by the way and earlier when I'd started I felt like shit...just a bit obsessive and heartsore but I feel a little better after having a nice conversation with my mother... A nice conversation with my mother is always an accomplishment; always a blessing of sorts as they're so rare. But it happened and I needed it and I'm grateful. We talked about nothing really. The gossip about town. Gossip about the family on my father's side, gossip about whoever the fuck she'd talk about. Safe topics that didn't hurt and I left feeling like I got away before I hurt her feelings and before she hurt mine. It was good.

And now the week begins and we'll see what it brings. Oh, I got nothing in the mail from the doctor though I'd anticipated that it would have arrived by Saturday. I was disappointed and relieved all at once. It should be here tomorrow and we'll see exactly what it brings..

Trying

I spent most of the day indoors today doing nothing really but watching crime tv....watched until I couldn't take it anymore and then showered went to my mother's, argued a bit with her over shit she wants me to do that I don't want to, read the paper, and went out with the siblings to Walmart and then for a late dinner at a "Chili's" type place. I'm trying, trying to regroup, to feel better, to just feel normal but I can't seem to make my way out of the house without bumping into a pregnant person or a child or to just hear the screaming/crying of a child and I myself find myself wanting to scream and cry and throw my own sort of tantrum at the insanity and hopelessness I feel in my heart and in my whole body really. I don't want to see kid's toys, kid's clothes, ads for baby shit, anything related to what I dream about and of course, it's impossible. It's literally life and I can't seem to find a comfortable place in it. Staying indoors isn't helping my mental state...it makes me feel more alone and more isolated than I've been feeling lately if that's possible. Just feeling like I don't belong and feeling so resentful. I really am and though I'm trying not to, trying not to be mad at God and the universe, the Fates or what have you, I am mad, I'm bitter, and I hate the feeling, and I can't help but wonder if there really is something controlling destiny...maybe this is all just me begging nobody for anything. I don't usually share those feeling because I know they're terrible but sometimes they creep into my thoughts...that it's just luck of the draw what happens and what doesn't. I don't know. I don't like to think about that.
In the meantime, I'm trying to focus once again on my weight and on just being healthier; making healthier choices...something that I at least have some semblance of control over. I lost control of the eating sometimes...part of the whole problem in a nutshell I suppose. I continue going to OA though I was pissed last week when nobody else showed though I did most of the meeting on the phone until the only caller hung up...I just picked up my shit and hightailed. it. I'm trying. Next week I'm starting WW again for the billionth time.
That's it. My life in a nutshell for today. Just trying to live it and not fall apart, not self destruct which is easier said than done. A part of me wants to eat what I want, drink like a fish and smoke like a chimney..I won't. At least not today.

Family

Yesterday I spent the day with my fairy Godmother. My Godmother is one of those people who doesn't edit and doesn't edit in a loud voice. She will bring up the fact that my sister, who mistakenly felt she could share this information with her, had an abortion when she was 19 years old. Any time I spent time with her she says, so and so had an abortion, remember? I don't think that's something that anybody forgets. She also anounced during her grandson's baby shower (the fact that I had to go wasn't enough) that I'm using donor sperm and getting inseminated. Luckily nobody in the room was English speaking and I quickly told her this was private...not that I think this really makes a difference to her. Yesterday she says, so did you get inseminated? We were in the car but still, this isn't something you just blurt out. She also told me her, her son, and his wife were talking about me and how they couldn't understand why I couldn't find a man as I had such a pretty face. My usual come back for when married people say this is "why would I want to find a man and be married, so I can be as happy as you"...I don't know any happily married people. Anyhow I didn't say this, I just said, I don't want a man right now which is true, I don't. Later after this baby ordeal is resolved maybe I'll look for someone when a few years have passed. She asked me if I was pregnant and sometimes, even though I love these people and have respect for the fact that they're old and crotchedy, I still want to punch them in the nose. Have some sensitivity people. She proceeds to tell me maybe it's not God's plan for me....yes, maybe it's not but maybe it is and I tell her how I wouldn't be happy otherwise. She says that against her feelings she will pray that it happens for me (she was a nun for over 25 years..'nough said). I change the topic...a million times yesterday I change the topic and I practically kick her with my shoe out of the car in the drowning rain. I pick up her million pound dog from the back of the car and all her bags and quickly deposit them in her living room as my shirt, hair and jeans are drenched and my mascara runs down my cheeks...I don't care, I just want her out. Tess and I drive home wet as all hell but finally blissfully alone after spending about 5 hours with her getting her dog and my Tess groomed. Today we go to my uncle's for a barbecue. I always go when he invites us as it's the only family gathering that is actually enjoyable and I think this is mostly due to the fact that both he and his wife push drinks on everyone all day long and everyone ends up buzzed and happy..me included. I get there and am served cheap wine with ice in a paper cup and promptly proceed to get drunk. I'm a wine drinker and no, it's usually not with ice or in a paper cup but for whatever reason, whenever I go there, I drink it the way they want to serve me and enjoy it...I go with D ahead of the other sibs who are also going and meet my mother and our old neighbor who are already there. Our old neighbor is like family and  she's known all of us our whole lives. She had 4 children herself, 3 girls and a boy and the girls all died young from different illnesses and the boy was the only one who survived. This lady is like a Saint though she is nowhere nears a bright woman, she is an absolutely kind woman and D refers to her as Grandma and always has as she's known D since they dropped D off from the foster agency. Anyhow, she's not well these days and I think she is soon going to die. I just have that feeling. I love her to death and when I lived at home she would come over every week and clean my room for me, empty my ashtrays, and the like and I could always count on her to help me in a way I couldn't with my mother. I sat next to her and she explained she wasn't feeling well but had a doctor's appointment next month...I tell her to call the doctor tomorrow...I know she's not well. She asks me if I have any luck with the baby situation and I explain that I don't. She tells me, well, if it's meant to be it'll happen. And this makes me feel better. I always feel like she has a direct connection to God..have you ever met that kind of person? Too good for this earth? This is her. I remember her cooking one day in my mother's kitchen and her saying that the pot would not boil and she finally says, wait, I'll fix it...she takes the spoon and taps the pot in the sign of the cross and doesn't that mother boil. My sister and I couldn't believe it and she continued on as if this was perfectly normal. She's special and although I don't spend as much time with her as I used to, I'll miss her when she's gone. On the other side of me sat my cousin's girlfriend. My cousin, who is 40 mind you, has been dating this girl over 10 years but never proposed. She says she doesn't want to marry either but tonight when she was ribbed with this as usual she says it but it lacks conviction and I, in my ghetto wine stupor, say to her listen, if nothing else, have your babies, whatever you have to do have your babies. I whisper this as my sibs are across from me and my sister says to her, don't listen to whatever she's saying, she's drunk. I tell her, I may be drunk but I'm telling her the truth and she says next year and I make her promise me this is true and I tell her I'm going to check on her. She's 35..next year is a good time though this year is better. I tell her, your eggs grow old and those hollywood ladies are using somebody else's so don't think that doctors have a magic wand. She says she knows...we'll see. I had a nice time with her and my cousin, her boyfriend who is the only cousin geographically close to us and one of the only cousins we grew up with. It was real nice. It felt like we really had family. My cousin agreed that it was hard not to have family here in the U.S.. and it really is. It's why neighbors and Godmothers become family members because there's nobody else around.
The night ended with a trip to facebook to see what is up and one of the girls from high school who was pregnant had her baby. A little girl and may God bless. As usual it hurt only a little but the pain is long lasting. C'est la vie.

enough really

One of the girls that I went to high school with just had a baby and two others are expecting theirs any day now. Am I totally jealous? No. It's not jealousy, it's something else that I can't describe. Something that''s sitting in the pit of my stomach, like when you find out your ex-boyfriend, who you're still not over, is getting married or having a baby or some other devastating shit. Not jealousy, just a dull and fearful pain. Yes, it almost feels like fear this sensation.

 I went to the acupuncturist today and when I explained where I was in the process she said to me, "I'm going to tell you a secret that I never told anybody else. My second son is from an egg donor. Even he doesn't know". Is this a small world or what? Any ol' how, it made me feel a little better to actually meet someone who's gone through it. But really, I've come to terms with the egg donor thing for the most part but I can't shake the feeling that this isn't going to happen. The acupuncturist, Dr. G, told me maybe I should take some time off to lose weight, get healthy, and mourn this experience but the truth is I just want to go forward, I just want to get this over with. And I know she was really saying why don't you lose some weight. While I was laying on the table with a zillion needles poking out of me the thought occurred to me that perhaps I can wait a year but really, I don't think I can. I spoke to Kay about it and she agreed that it was something that needed to just move forward. I'm doing my best to not overeat and control my food intake and try to drop a few though weekends are never easy for me for various reasons. I'm trying though which is more than I've been doing the last few months. I just don't want to wait. Partly because I know Dr. B has a limited time before going on maternity leave and I don't want to use another doctor. I like Dr. G but there's no connection, it's like there's something missing there and sometimes I want to just get up and get out of there. I didn't make an appointment for next week. I figured I'll play it by ear. I'm not sure if I'll go back.

Today is not a good day. Like yesterday I have this melancholic feeling hanging over me. This desperation. The feeling of wanting the world to stop for me until this pain subsides kind of like that technique they do for heroin addicts where they put them out until they finish going through withdrawals. That's what I'd like. Put me out until I no longer feel this sadness, this desperation, this feeling that my life is for shit. On top of this I have this anger at my family that I can't shake. I just feel like enough is enough with ignoring the pink elephant in the room. I just got a call from D that one of my siblings needs to go to the hospital due to a migraine. I went off on D which I feel bad about as it's not their fault. I just feel sick and tired of having to be available for them and they're never available for me. I feel like right now I am trying to mourn this and my family has not been there and still they can't even see that I'm in pain or even ask me what the fuck is going on with the pregnancy thing. I won't bring it up as they've blown me off too many times. I'm just tired of everything I suppose. Tired of pretending. Just tired. I feel guilt at ignoring their pain but enough is enough with their sick games. You're sick, do what I do, take care of it yourself. They don't even know that I had surgery in December or anything really. They don't ask so I don't tell. I'm just angry at them, angry at God, and angry at myself.  There are times I want to scream in frustration, just scream with the bullshit of it all but I can't without appearing completely off my rocker. But I want to. I want to scream and I want to smoke and I even want to drink...self destructive I know but it's what I want.

Back in the swing

I was supposed to have gotten my HSG exam yesterday, that's the test where they shoot the dye through your fallopian tubes...anyhow, I had called them on Friday to make the appointment and specifically requested a female which they assured me would be the case but I've dealt with these clowns before so yesterday, before I requested the time from the boss, I called them. Yeah, they said not only did I cancel my appointment but it's scheduled with a male...they put me on hold to double check as they are utterly confused and the manager comes on..."Is there a problem with your appointment"..Ummm, yeah they told me I cancelled and that I was scheduled with a male. "No, it's not cancelled but you're scheduled with a male"...I go over the whole thing how I'd requested a female she tries to put it on me saying perhaps I didn't explain good enough...a female...the thing with a vagina between her legs..that's a female..it's who I want performing the test...No, we have doctor so and so...yeah I say, I've met that dick wad...he's an ass...and this sounds like an inside problem to me not something I need to hear about so do you have an appointment with a female for me or not? No. Thank you and good bye...fucker...but I didn't say fucker..I cried instead because it's just too frustrating this process and I've really had enough...I call the other radiology place near me explain I need a female she puts me on hold forever and says she has an availability for me. I say "with a female"? She says no, no female. I say, (and I did say this) "are you guys all fucking retarded or are you just trained to act fucking stupid"...I hang up and make a note to never go there...I finally find a place about an hour from me and the next state over who has a female..I take the appointment for 12 though I know I have an appointment for "D" this morning at 10 and hope that I can hustle and make it on time.
I had asked my sibling to go with me to "D"'s appointment and one of them agreed to go. Of course when I say, you want to pick me up at work as it's right near there they say, No, I'll find it...so this morning I'm hustling trying to do my hair as I wasn't going to work I get a call from the sib...where is this place...I explain and think shit they'll be there too early as they'd already gotten to the town next door an hour ahead. I get to "D"'s program and lo and behold, no sib...we wait another 15 minutes and finally they arrive...awesome. We get through it, I go to the place for radiology, who by the way are super nice and make me start to think that it's just us New Yorkers who suck ass, and get home, crash on the couch. When I started writing this post, I was finalizing my decision not to go to OA and last minute I threw on the sneakers and went. I didn't want to go because I didn't want to answer all the questions from the Canadians...it's just that I'm exhausted by the experience already and it's draining. But I went and of course Sara, who is very pushy had very strong opinions about everything and really, who needs someone else's opinions. Sara had a very bad experience raising her only son and has tremendous guilt as she feels she did a shitty job and to be truthful, from what she says, she did do a shitty job. Apparently she was a wild woman when she was younger with too many boyfriends and she allowed one of them to beat the shit out of her son...left him black and blue and she let it happen and didn't step in so now her son has resentments. I adore Sara and she is very sweet and supportive and to be frank I can't picture living how she's described as she is a Hasidic Jew now though one of the other Canadians explained that this wasn't always the case. Anyhow, I spent too long talking with her outside and it was fine but really I need to make my decisions on my own. She thinks I'm making a mistake wanting a child though one of the other girls Shannon, agrees with me as she also has personal regrets never having had a child of her own. These girls are in their 60's by the way and all of them practice some form of the Jewish religion though Sara is by far the most religious and strictest. Nice girls. Anyhow, I went, I saw, and I didn't conquer but I'm glad I went though I didn't take back my responsibility of carrying the shit back and forth. I don't know where I'll be emotionally from week to week and didn't want to commit so...Okay, enough of me babbling.

Nightcap

I get a call from my aunt...she's called me one other time in my life that I can remember. My father is sick and wants to go to the doctor NOW!! I tell her I'll call her in a minute, go to my fridge to look at the magnet of the walk in clinic to note that the clinic closes at 8...it's of course 8:30 p.m. I call her back tell her to have him get ready. I go to where he lives two towns over and call when I'm downstairs explaining there's no parking and I'm double parked please come down...Okay, 20 minutes later and one explanation to the cops as to why I'm double parked and still no father. Me and my father are not close. In fact we only started speaking to each other early last year after going about 12 years without speaking...why? the long and the short..when I was growing up my father would get angry at you and stop speaking to you...not for days..for months until you begged and begged day after friggin day for him to speak to you...one day I decided...two can play at this game...you don't want to speak to me..don't! and so the silence began. He finally called me at work 12 years later. So here I am at my father's pissed as all hell because really he could've taken care of this in the day time when shit like his primary doctor is open and why is it that every emergency I'm the first responder...all because I'm geographically closer and my older sibling, who lives in the city has the excuse that they don't have a car..grow up and get a car. So I go and I'm waiting and finally someone comes to say he's very weak and needs help...I say fuck it and park in a fire zone ...go up to his apartment and he's despondent...I say I'm calling 911. My aunt who has terminal cancer mind you agrees and says maybe he should have gone to the doctor's sooner..you think. Okay....talk to cops...20 minutes and what seems like forever we got some EMT in the house...the guy is a total asshole...acts like an asshole to my father and tries to asshole me and gets a piece of his ass ripped open...he tries to give me the business...he gets the hand...yes, I live in the ghetto and when in Rome....he finally chills out and starts acting like a human being and treating my father like a human. We are off to the ER where my younger sibling is meeting me...they text me to say they're there already and they "got this"....you got this? WTF do you got? I don't know really,,,,I'm just not having a good day so I don't know if I find this rude because it's rude or because I'm looking to tear someone's ass off. We go to the ER he gets checked by the doctor who tells us maybe we should go home as it's going to be a while...sibling wants to stay...I say ciao martyr..and home I am by just about 11 p.m. Awesome day! One more pregnancy test just to make sure and voila...piss on a stick..still negative and that's all folks.

Gemma the Grouch

I am feeling overly hostile tonight and just wanted to get it off my chest. I'm just aggravated and annoyed at everything and I guess it's just anger at the fates and really, it's nobody's fault. Tonight I got emails from my sibling about mother's day plans. They want to go to dinner some 45 minutes away when really I don't even want to go anywhere...I want to stay home in bed and just say FUK YOU WORLd!!!! I don't want to go to some hoity toity place where I have to dress up to hang out with a bunch of people where I don't belong. I just don't want to go and especially not 45 minutes away which means driving in the car for all that time back and forth with these people...we never get along...get annoyed with each other and some poor asshole, too often it's me, gets stuck with a bill for several hundred dollars and never sees a dime from someone else. I'd suggested a local middle of the road place but no....and then I look like an asshole as I'm the party pooper. And you know what? I am. I'm going through something people..whether you choose to acknowledge it or not I'm going through something so just leave me the fuck alone..I don't care about mother's day. I don't. I love my mother but mostly she aggravates the fuck out of me, my siblings act even more assholic around her than usual as she annoys the fuck out of them too and we all end up miserable together so what's the fucking point of all this bullshit? I just want to crawl into my bed and you can come get me at the end of the year and see if I'm ready to come out...right now I'm not...right now I'm ready to just turn my brain off, my body off, put poor Tess in a kennel and just sleep for a year....just emotionally shut myself down until I can cope. Hate this feeling. Hate feeling so hopeless about this situation and truthfully, I don't know, I may be throwing a tantrum for nothing but I can't seem to help myself. I'm just tired folks. Just so friggin tired man. Gotta take some time off from work and chill out...regroup or what have you.

23 on the 22nd

Kay tells me 22 is her lucky number. She came to pick me up this morning at 7:40 a.m. for my egg retrieval...is that a good friend or what?!? They got 23 eggs. I'm trying to think of it as 22 eggs and one for good luck on today the 22nd of April. The only reason 22 is her lucky number is due to her being a Mets fan and loving Al Leiter (retired) who was number 22..that's Kay for you. I babbled after the procedure to my doctor telling her what a doll she was and all kinds of stuff and yup, she's pregnant...asked the nurse who didn't want to say but finally said and gave me the scoop..she doesn't want her patients to feel bad and blah blah blah..hurts but not like it would with anybody else..she deserves it..really does. If you met her you'd understand...a beautiful person inside and out like no other...a real doll just like I babbled to her. I spent the morning sleeping and eating bagels..a food a rarely allow myself...ate bagels all day which is really not good. Gotta freeze the rest of them as it really is a trigger for me. Went to my mom's for a minute where I got an eyeroll from my sibling when I told them I couldn't lift a bed frame wtih them...piece of work as they knew what I'd had done today...I wasn't even supposed to be driving for cripes sake..can you imagine? Probably yes and I don't even know why I'm surprised...I'm the fool really but alas trying not to let them blow my zen feeling. I've only wanted to cry a few times today which is pretty good as I've been a baller this whole month. I go to work tomorrow and Tuesday am off on Wednesday and Thursday and am thinking I'll call out Friday...we'll see how things go. Just praying for some fertilizations tomorrow. The nurse today, told me she has 3 children which include a set of "IVF twins" as she put it. She said "people think because you try when you're young it's going to happen but it's not that easy"...girl please! I think each and every baby is a miracle and I just don't even know how people get it done naturally...really..it's just amazing. My doctor seemed so hopeful today for me as did the nurse but me, I am trying not to dream too high..am thinking one more time after this and I gotta throw in the towel but then again if it doesn't happen on this or the next who knows what I'll feel. Where do you stop though really? Do you try til you're bankrupt and unable to give the child all you'd like to? I don't know. I really don't. My friend Mike (who is like a cousin to me as we all grew up together) was telling me him and his wife were trying and stopped at $40K...money they can't afford...alas, no baby, two dogs and no babies, and they stopped trying..can't blame them. I'd originally said I'd stop at $30K but not sure...that really is only enough for 2 more tries any ol' way. So I'll just keep praying and see what God has in store for me...hoping it's a baby.

Yeah, this will work..

I'm supposed to be staying stress free and zen but I believe I mentioned I promised my Godmother to take her dog to the groomer. So I call her tonight and tell her it's going to be earlier than planned and please be dressed in case you have to go with and the dogs aren't getting along (they've never met). She tells me she has other plans with her neighbor to take her other dog and yes, she is 81 with 2 dogs less than a year old each ..one of which is a pit bull...only my Godmother...anyhow, I understand but I have to handle these two dogs and get to the doctor...she tells me her dog is black with dirt. Hmmmm...trying to figure out how not to be totally gross by the time I get to the doctor. So the plan is pick up her dog, it's some kind of cockapoo or labapoo or something..fairly large curly haired white dog, keep my tiny Tess from killing her dog and drive to East Jabib where my groomer is located than go across the county to my doctor's appointment..try to fit in either some shopping (as I desperately need new pants) or a massage (as I just received a million gift certificates for my birthday - actually I got 5 of them..woo hoo for me). After that pick the dogs back up, drop off my Godmom's, run home and change to go to dinner for my mother's birthday which is also happening in East Jabib..next state over (not my idea obviously). Today was also a run run run day. Did work. Got a call to trigger tonight at 9...really 9? That's smack in the middle of my night chaos. And will be going into the clinic at 8:30 on Sunday. So of course I get a call to pick up one of my siblings tonight at 7:30 p.m. which is the usual time. Sibling wants to run into the pharmacy. We are now looking at 8:30 p.m. and thankfully I threw in the HCG shot into my laundry bag just in case I didn't make it home in time which obviously was not going to happen. Get to my mother's to drop sibling off and at precisely 9:01 p.m. as it has to be on the dot..I inject myself in my mother's powder room...gross..I hate my mother's house...but in it went. So I ran today, will be running around tomorrow and Sunday will have to get up at the crack of ass to drop Tess off, come back home, and have Kay pick me up at 7:40 a.m. giving us just the right amount of time to get to the Doctor's by 8:30 a.m. Marathon weekend as usual but it is what it is and I'm more relaxed than I've been in a while so that's that. I've been trying to not focus on the things that I don't have and trying not to be jealous of others. Trying not to think about PFace and Asshole and the fact that their baby is here by now...the same month I had calculated mine would come had the first try worked..weird how shit like that happens. It's okay really...hurts but it's okay though please God and I know I've said this before, but please God, just send me my baby...don't make me lust after everything. Maybe this is sick..not sure but it's how I feel and really I think it's normal so...