Shit

I've been feeling more emotional lately. I actually broke down at the Korean food market in front of one of my sibs which is so unlike me I can't even tell you. My mom's old neighbor was there. She is like a grandmother to us or more to D really and I love her though I could probably do a better job showing it. She looks terrible. I looked at her and actually saw what she would like look in her casket; that's what she looked like. I broke down...I had trouble just speaking to her as it broke my heart too much really. I keep her savings in an account in my name and I just told her to stop saving any more money as she has too much in there (about 20K). She told me it's just in case something happens...code for in case I die. I told her it's more than enough for what she would need. She told me okay that she wouldn't put more away. Heartbreaking talk. Just heartbreaking. A kinder soul you'd never meet and she's been through too much in her life, lost her 3 little girls when they were all young...I don't know how she's not still howling at the moon in pain and agony really.

Today is my father's birthday. He is in the hospital. Also saddens me. He's not who he once was. It seems everyone is falling apart and pretty soon there'll be no family left except for the sibs as they're all just falling apart.

Looming in the background of all of this is my babies that don't exist. Yesterday someone came to my job with a 2 week old little baby who was just precious. The woman, who probably thought I was a complete loon, let me hold him. He was beyond sweet and I held him for as long as didn't appear crazy. She had 3 other kids and had stabbed the baby's father the day before. Awesome. This is my life. I get to see all the crack head criminals with their babies that they will ultimately introduce into the system, and I stand to the side and get bupkis. Awesome. But that's life I suppose and who the fuck am I?

So I'm feeling a bit sad and tomorrow I leave to visit my family and confirm my cousin's daughter in Puerto Rico. I'm half Puerto Rican on my mother's side. I'm there for 5 days with my older sib and with D. D is having a hard time with all of this and I'm scared of what will actually happen when my mom's neighbor dies (D calls them every morning) or when my father goes though I don't think my father will go in the immediate future, or when my mother goes as I have the feeling that she will go suddenly...just a hunch....what the frick do I know really?

I read a quote today about people not realizing that there's not that much time and it so resonated with me. My old therapist used to say that I was living the unlived life and though I don't completely agree with her it's haunted me always. The thing I keep thinking is that I spent so much time feeling shy, insecure, not good enough, not woman enough that I did neglect large parts of my life. The part where you throw some caution to the wind and try out some guys and the baby part. I should have done all of this when I was younger. Even now I don't try with men. It's the not feeling woman enough, or good enough. Mattie at work made me a feel a bit better this week. One of the guards at work has a crush on me and every time I see him he says something to me. He's gross btw. I tell Mattie and ask her if I'm being too pick and I know she'll shoot straight as she's from the complete hood and she says, "What!? You're out of his league. What is he thinking?" Made me feel better. Sometimes I worry that I've been too picky and hence ended up with nothing but in truth I think that the people who were interested in me weren't good enough and I knew it...except for asshole but asshole too really. Oh well. I could deal with no man, it's the no baby thing that is just killing me. Shit.

Anyhow, that's my life in a nutshell. Lexie will be staying with Tess here at the condo which I hope works out...hope Lexi loves Tess enough as she's used to a million hugs a day. I'm a typical insane dog owner but it's all I have really. So that's that. I'm hoping my trip is fun at least a little. Hope I get to sit by the hotel pool with a cocktail at least once. Just need a little peace...just a little.