enough really

One of the girls that I went to high school with just had a baby and two others are expecting theirs any day now. Am I totally jealous? No. It's not jealousy, it's something else that I can't describe. Something that''s sitting in the pit of my stomach, like when you find out your ex-boyfriend, who you're still not over, is getting married or having a baby or some other devastating shit. Not jealousy, just a dull and fearful pain. Yes, it almost feels like fear this sensation.

 I went to the acupuncturist today and when I explained where I was in the process she said to me, "I'm going to tell you a secret that I never told anybody else. My second son is from an egg donor. Even he doesn't know". Is this a small world or what? Any ol' how, it made me feel a little better to actually meet someone who's gone through it. But really, I've come to terms with the egg donor thing for the most part but I can't shake the feeling that this isn't going to happen. The acupuncturist, Dr. G, told me maybe I should take some time off to lose weight, get healthy, and mourn this experience but the truth is I just want to go forward, I just want to get this over with. And I know she was really saying why don't you lose some weight. While I was laying on the table with a zillion needles poking out of me the thought occurred to me that perhaps I can wait a year but really, I don't think I can. I spoke to Kay about it and she agreed that it was something that needed to just move forward. I'm doing my best to not overeat and control my food intake and try to drop a few though weekends are never easy for me for various reasons. I'm trying though which is more than I've been doing the last few months. I just don't want to wait. Partly because I know Dr. B has a limited time before going on maternity leave and I don't want to use another doctor. I like Dr. G but there's no connection, it's like there's something missing there and sometimes I want to just get up and get out of there. I didn't make an appointment for next week. I figured I'll play it by ear. I'm not sure if I'll go back.

Today is not a good day. Like yesterday I have this melancholic feeling hanging over me. This desperation. The feeling of wanting the world to stop for me until this pain subsides kind of like that technique they do for heroin addicts where they put them out until they finish going through withdrawals. That's what I'd like. Put me out until I no longer feel this sadness, this desperation, this feeling that my life is for shit. On top of this I have this anger at my family that I can't shake. I just feel like enough is enough with ignoring the pink elephant in the room. I just got a call from D that one of my siblings needs to go to the hospital due to a migraine. I went off on D which I feel bad about as it's not their fault. I just feel sick and tired of having to be available for them and they're never available for me. I feel like right now I am trying to mourn this and my family has not been there and still they can't even see that I'm in pain or even ask me what the fuck is going on with the pregnancy thing. I won't bring it up as they've blown me off too many times. I'm just tired of everything I suppose. Tired of pretending. Just tired. I feel guilt at ignoring their pain but enough is enough with their sick games. You're sick, do what I do, take care of it yourself. They don't even know that I had surgery in December or anything really. They don't ask so I don't tell. I'm just angry at them, angry at God, and angry at myself.  There are times I want to scream in frustration, just scream with the bullshit of it all but I can't without appearing completely off my rocker. But I want to. I want to scream and I want to smoke and I even want to drink...self destructive I know but it's what I want.