Acceptance

I don't know what is going to happen and I guess I'll have sit with that at least for the next 12 hours. I meet with my doctor tomorrow possibly for the last time. She had asked that I call her to set up a meeting and so tomorrow at 11 I'll be there with my heart in my throat. It has been an incredibly emotional week for me and a week where I've had moments where I have felt more alone than ever before in my life and moments where I couldn't believe the strength and blessings of friendships. Kay has been supportive through all of this and Diana has been as much as possible considering all the shit going on in her life. She and Z came over last night for dinner along with Diana's two boys who are just precious. Z told me she is in and we had an opportunity to talk at length about the whole thing both alone and with Diana. Z explained that this was something she'd thought about at length for some time now as we'd talked about it before. I explained that I was worried because talking about it before consisted of us talking shit over too many glasses of wine but she insisted that she's given this serious thought and she would be totally fine going in on it. I'll see what the doctor says tomorrow. Z is overweight like me so she might not be a feasible candidate and if that's the case then I really am done I suppose. I've hesitated to write about what I was feeling on here I guess because I've gotten no feedback but I need these postings and I have to dismiss the thoughts in my minds about whether or not people are reading, are supportive, or what they think of me. This after all is only about me and my life and what I need; I share it only because it is a benefit to me as a sort of therapeutic outlet and I have to keep that thought in the forefront of my mind when I write as the writing is what is helpful to me not the followers. I've been praying for acceptance which has been going as expected; a difficult pill to swallow. One of the few people in my life who knows that I'd been trying said to me after learning that I'd smoked that I can't jeopardize my health and I have to look towards the future. An odd concept when you feel like you don't want to go on in this joint and you just want the world to stop for a minute but it hit home. This is not the end. It is a road block which I have no idea how to get around but I've had numerous obstacles in my life that I've overcome and hopefully this too shall join that list.

I bought Dr. B a gift. I had thought about it for several days how I wanted to get her something and finally today I found what I wanted but after I purchased it I thought perhaps it was weird that I was giving her a gift. I asked Mattie and she said when I mentioned it to her yesterday she thought it was odd but didn't think it was so much anymore. Anyhow, I wrapped it up and am giving it to her. It's nothing much. It's one of those Willow Tree Angel figurines with no face ( I put a pic so you can see) and it's called thanks for your kindness. It says it all really. I don't want to cry tomorrow as it seems like each time I see Dr. B I'm falling apart. I want to just listen to what she has to say, ask her if Z could be a candidate and if yes, would they do it there, and just try and walk out of there with a little dignity and not through the back entrance as I've had to do the last two times. If she says this is not a go and I can't do this I'll go back one more time to give in all my meds as I probably have a good 5-6 thousand dollars worth of meds in my fridge that I can donate to someone who can't afford it; Some cartridges of the follistim which I hear is super expensive and menopur also expensive, along with crinone cream, progesterone, ganirelix, a whole slew of shit. I want to get rid of all the baby books so I'll call the family shelter and see if they want them. The baby clothes Diana gave me I'll put in my mom's friend's garage sale though I'm keeping two items...a beautiful jacket and some cute shoes because you never know what the future holds but I can't have all this shit surrounding me and drowning me in grief and sadness. I'm am trying to have some closure here which is why I hurried up to set up the meeting wtih Dr. B and I have an appointment with Dr. P the acupuncturist to end it if that's where I'm heading...basically collecting and discarding what I need to, to help me move on. The only thing that I can't seem to find a way to get rid of is this lump in my chest that seems to be suffocating me but I imagine that dissipates as well with time. I'm worn now, I am. Diana mentioned today when I spoke to her that I looked spent as hell and that I have to get some sleep and she's right. I gotta start to take care of myself again. I have to slow down a little at least mentally and just cut myself a break. It's been a lot this life these past 10 years..actually my whole life pretty much has been just one stressful situation to the next and I guess maybe it's that way for a lot of people where you don't ever have a moment of peace but I have to start making peace in my life and with my life.