My own quiet desperation

For an ordinary Tuesday, this one was extraordinarily long. I had that quiet feeling inside...that full empty feeling that could lead you to a good cry in no time at all. Thankfully I didn't break down but I had my moments today. I find myself paralyzed at work and unable to do the most mundane of tasks. Truthfully, this is a state that I've found myself the majority of the year...present, but distracted by all the things occurring in the peripherals of my life. I ran out of body powder this morning, something I always use, and of course was forced to go down the baby aisle of the supermarket...I looked only in one direction, down where I knew it would be and veered out of the aisle midway where it splits and leads into the next section.  I get to the front of the store, pregnant lady, coming in, lady with a newborn, out in the parking lot lady about to burst she was so pregnant. Coincident? Yes, I'm not that lost that I don't know it only stands out because it's in the forefront of my mind. I bought some pregnancy tests while I was inside..I had initially planned to not test which is something I can do this time out...not excited...but then thought better of it...I go to the doctor on Friday which means she will call me on Friday while I'm at work...I can't be surprised while I'm at work nor do I want to break down while I'm there so I'll test on Thursday. I could cry this time out as it's just to close to the finale of my journey. I was talking to Kay today about how hard it was for me to close the chapter on the fairy tale of husband, house, child, 1.5 dogs et cetera and I had to just shake my head at the stupidity of that, of having that actually be an issue. Closing the chapter on this dream will be incomparably harder...just something that I can't even believe  I'm contemplating let alone actually doing. But I'll do one more and that's it...regardless of the cost as I'm unsure my insurance is footing this last IVF bill for me...I promised myself one more and I'll do it so I'll have no regrets but it's hard. And then there's that tiny, teeny tiny little voice of hope that maybe it took this time...maybe I got lucky and caught a break this time and I think, Please, please shut up voice, as you've spoken before and your words are just too painful in the end. These are my thoughts all day quiet in my head and heavy in my chest just killing me.