As I explained I bought a 3 pack of pregnancy tests yesterday though I had thought to myself I would only do one the day before I go to the doctor to kind of burst that bubble of hope and begin the grieving process if that is the process that needs to be begun.. I want to test. I want to test so bad. I went to acupuncture today and my doctor was shocked that 5 were put back in. Both of her kids were born via IVF after 40 is that a coincidence or what...yes it's a coincidence as I don't believe in signs any more. So she did her thing over me and I fell into a semi sleep. Today she put 3 needles in my head...a first as it's usually just one in my head, one in the forehead and other's scattered about...she said she needed me to get rid of all the crazy thinking swimming through my head and the proccupation and I dont' know if it's just psychosomatic but I actually felt so much clearer and at rest emotionally leaving there..I'm grateful though the one thing that continues to swim through my head is that I do want to test. She asked if I wanted an appointment for Saturday but seeing as I go to the doctor on Friday and will probably be a wreck on Saturday I told her next Wednesday same bat time same bat channel was fine.
I went to work today and I was feeling so scattered and crazy and even when Mattie came in, who usually grounds me in certain respects, I still felt scattered and unfocused so I called up my doctor to see if I could come in earlier which was fine and I left work early for the day. Of course as I'm walking into the building of my doctor's office I get a call from work that made my blood boil but whateva....better blood boiling out on my own than in that hell hole. I came home and made myself an early dinner as I was starving and slept for a little interrupted by a few panicked phone calls from "D" and scratching at my legs from Tess who did not want me to sleep...I want to sleep people!!! Can't seem to ever sleep uninterrupted either by others or by my own demons swimming in my head. I'm not sure if I mentioned that I'm not a sleeper. I think it contributes to many of my problems in my life, my grouchiness, my overeating, my constant fatigue. I have always wished to be one of those people who can go down for 7 or 8 hours straight....I will occasionally get 6 but it's never straight through....Anyhow, I'm tired all the time and naps don't seem to fare any better for me. I'm babbling now. I think I'll test in the morning and then once after work tomorrow. I'll tell you the truth though...I don't think I am. I don't think I'll ever be but that's our little secret I suppose. I don't even want the best part of myself to know that. It's too sad really and the best part of me deserves a little hope.
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