Negative

I spent most of my day either hysterically crying, crying softly to myself, crying on the inside, or waiting for some privacy so I can cry. I finally broke down this morning before work and took a home pregnancy test...negative...very very negative...cried while showering, while doing my hair, while driving to work...closed the door to my office and cried some fucking more. Kay came in and of course right away she says it's too early and I stop her...come on man...we've been through this shit..it's not too early..it's too negative..but I love Kay and she's been my rock through all this shit and I know this is hard for her too. She's been praying like a fiend as has her mother..that's the kind of people they are..kind..Mattie came in today and I almost bit her head off when she suggested shit to distract myself this weekend...are you fucking kidding me..it's not like I applied for college and didn't get in, or didn't pass some friggin test of some kind, this is heartbreaking, life plan changing shit so at least, at least give it the respect it deserves rather than suggesting I go to the local fucking dog show...really! please. I have two tests left which I'll save for tonight and for tomorrow a.m. before I go to the doctor for the real blood test. I decided not to answer when the doctor calls tomorrow and just listen to that shit in private...I can't torture myself at work...again. So really, there's nothing more to say..I'm going to give it one more shot if I can come June and then this fight is over.