Some Hope, a smoke, and a bucket of tears..

Today has no doubt been a day of disappointment and my doctor finally called a little after 1 to confirm that it's a negative and to just briefly give me a synopsis of what she feels the issues are and where we go from here. Basically I think she thinks this is the end for me or at least for my uterus. She mentioned that my age, combined with my uterus, combined with what she politely referred to as my BMI (aka fat ass) are holding me back and at this point a "gestational carrier" is what she would consider the most viable option. She said the one good thing is that at my age I seem to still be producing relatively good eggs which is in itself a blessing  as most women my age..blah blah blah... I looked online for how much a "gestational carrier" would run and it appears that it's over 20k and can top 120k depending on who the heck knows what. I call my friend Diana who seems to always get my calls when I'm so hysterical I can't even talk. She tries to calm me down, apologizes that she hasn't called, I tell her I know we've all had our plates full of shit lately. I don't think I ever mentioned that Diana and me used to be a regular three musketeers with my other friend who I'll call Z. Z is a doll but we have grown apart though we still text and speak about one time a month....also Diana didn't want to talk to Z after the scandal with her husband...I'm not clear as to why it was so embarrassing for Diana to talk to Z about it but there it is. Z herself has one child, a teenager that she had super young, and Z is a full time student aside from working full time so none of us have had the time of day to really connect. Z and I always spoke about her having a baby for me and I brought it up to Diana to ask her if she thought I could ask her. She told me Gem, ask her..she said, "I really think she might". So true to form Z, one of the most unselfish people that I know gets a text from me that says, "I know this is a weird question, but would you ever consider being a surrogate"...she answers a minute later, "I told you, for you Gem, any time". I cried. She was at work and told me she'd call me on her break. She works in a children's psych facility...we all met, Diana, me and Z working with the psych population...we all did it for over a decade each and Diana and Z are still in the field...Z works with children and gets the shit knocked out of her every year at least once but she went back to school again for nursing thinking a career change was in order. Anyhow, she called me a few minutes after I spoke wth the doctor who said we should set up a time next week to meet and carve out a plan. I ask Z, Z, you sure...you need to think about this...she says she's given this lots of thought in the past and as long as it's not her egg, she's in though she'd like to wait to finish school...I explain about old eggs...ask her to think about it and I'll call her next week. That's my only hope except for adoption. I go out after hanging up with her and smoke a cig from my hidden stash...self destructive I know..not to mention how it sucks for my eggs but.... I don't know if this will ever happen...but it's a little tiny light...the only little light I've got on right now so I cling to it.