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I went to see my doctor today and again I have to say what a doll as are her staff; just kind gentle caring people. I cried the whole time and couldn't enter the building for about 15 minutes as I couldn't collect myself. I tried calling Diana and Z and finally reached Mattie though she really is not the type of person you want to call when you're falling apart. Plus it's weird because we're friends but she sees me as her boss even if I don't see her that way... Anyhow I pulled myself together as much as I could and went in and waited forever which was fine as it gave me time to calm down. Of course the only other two people in the waiting room were there with babies...ugh. Anyhow the long and the short of it is she surprised me as usual. She said money being no object ideally she would suggest donor eggs with a gestational...money being an issue, she suggests donor eggs period. She said I could try again on my own but statistically it was unlikely to happen. She would like to again have an xray of my uterus and gave me a script for that. She went over all the steps we had taken thus far and explained that although my eggs looked good she thinks they are chromosonally not as they appear or she feels they would have flourished and taken. My uterus though there is a fibroid should have enough space to take an embryo but she'd like to check it again to make sure the fibroid hasn't gotten any bigger and invaded deeper into the uterus. She explained that when she cut the fibroid out, it kept coming back in due to the pressure of it against my uterus and the size of the thing..she'd cut and more would come in, cut and again more would come in. She said she finally stopped cutting for fear of preforating my intestine...so there you go. I spoke to the finanacial chick, also sweet as hell, who explained if I have any insurance left the bill would come to a little over 18K for a donor egg...wtih no insurance it would be about 26k...she said when I get my next reimbursement check from the insurance company, call them and see if there is any funds left and then I can call them. This is a lot of money for me though I have a bit in savings and I can borrow $10-15k against my pension (I think). If there's more I'll have to put it on a credit card and move on from there. If I don't get pregnant after all of this I'll get a second job and bang this debt out which is what I did when I first bought my condo if I do get pregnant I'll just pay it off slow. If the shit hits the fan I can borrow money from my father who is always offering money and I never take him up on it partly due to pride but mostly because I don't really need any. Anyhow, I cried hysterically on the way home, just felt so emotionally broken and defeated, and finally broke down and texted Kay, the person I really wanted to talk to, who texted me back that it was alright to call her. I feel bad as she's in Florida visiting with her parents but I just needed to hear a supportive voice. She really has gone above and beyond as a friend. Anyhow, I calmed down while pulled over on the side of the road in East Jabib New Jersey and right there called to make the appointment for the xray who, to add insult to injury explained I need a doctor's note saying I'm not pregnant before they'll test me. I call my doctor's office and they tell me to come in at 1p.m. when the doctor is in...I ask which doctor they say Almonte...the crazy bitch who told me to go talk to a priest as what I was doing was a sin...I hang up thinking I'll be waiting two hours for the crazy bitch to fuck me up, and remember there is a new walk in clinic near my job...I go and ther's nobody there waiting and they see me and give me the note within half hour of walking in....the guy who does the test comes in and says, "congratulations (I swear my heart stopped)...you're not pregnant"..sick joke but he doesn't know..shit. I go Monday to the xray and right after to see my endocrinologist who is a few blocks down from the xray place so...I will again have to leave work early and everyone is already talking shit about what is going on as I never take off and it seems like lately I am taking off every minute...I don't care. I gotta fight for a family. There is a quote that I have written on my desk by Yehuda Berg that talks about making change and how you can't just sit there but you have to stand up and make a bold move. I'll write it down and post it next time but each time I read it it's a reminder to me of how life works really; how we have to make our future and I believe that completely though there are things that are out of our hands. I need to keep moving forward because if I don't believe that there is a future for me, one that is acceptable to me in terms of finding life fulfilling and giving my love to someone other than to Tess, I can't find a way to go on...not in any type of healthy or happy way for me. I know people can live without children and without a partner of some sort but I've been without deep love in my life for what seems like forever and it's too empty, too empty for me.