Back to reality

I've gone through today in a state of shock, going high and low in all different emotional directions, and yes, I realize that this is my third post...I've already talked to all of my friends, some of them more than once, except for Ollie and there is no way I'm calling him. Anyhow, the reality is setting in that I will never ever carry a child in my womb. I could cry and scream simultaneously in frustration and I can't help but be angry at I don't know who...the fates I suppose..at God...at life. And it feels to me like I should be going through this with somebody but it's just me and Tess here...Tess who senses something is wrong but is just staying out of the way. There are parts of me that just want to self destruct, smoke, drink, eat myself into a coma...just stop my brain for a minute until this grief is gone. How do people get through this? I don't know. I don't know. It's just too much. Just gotta get through this weekend, this coming week, this month until my brain can just wrap itself around this idea and stop. How do you go on with nothing to look forward to? I'm not like those girls at work who content themselves with no children but millions of facials, or trips, or romps with men, or drinkning..that's not a life to me...not a life I want for me. And if I hear one more fucking person mention adoption I'll fucking puke. I know adoption...adoption costs money, adoption makes it so you never know what you're getting, "D" who I love is adopted but truthfully, I would never want to do what it took to raise D again...never...I know adoption...it's not out of the question but it is for now. I don't want to hear cheap easy answers...I just need to grieve and collect myself...pull myself together as I have to face my family tonight. I'm so fucking mad...I just can't . This whole fucking year...hell and torture...for nothing. I got nothing.