Awake

It's a little after 3 and I've been laying in bed for over an hour unable to sleep wide awake. Still in a state of shock I suppose. Just feeling so alone, so so many things really that I can't even accurately describe what it is I'm feeling...frozen I suppose...just frozen in disbelief. Unbelievably sad. Empty but full of emotions. I feel as if this is a death for me of some sort...a feeling similar to having lost someone. All day I felt the ache of my period coming and I kept thinking, is that a pregnancy symptom, and then I'd be like, Oh yeah, duh...so weird to have that sensation...after just a short period of time to be looking at every cramp as if it might be implantation though in reality a year is not that short. The periods for the in between months where you can't try never felt like real periods...never did for some reason. How do you put one foot in front of the other when a life dream, a major life dream is over? How do you go on? Like most women I just assumed one day I'd be married with kids and when the married never happened, it was hard, but I accepted, I learned to accept, made easier because it was cushioned by my drive to finally put into motion my dream of having a child. And then there was nothing..no dream. I've had other stupid little dreams...dreams of owning my own house, with a little yard, that sort of dream, the kind that doesn't hurt so much if it doesn't happen or have a time line that'll run out and be too late to really be exactly the way you want it. Not like a wedding that you can't really have at 50 without looking like a ridiculous bride, or children with the bio clock...a house has no time line. A house wouldn't make sense now. This place doesn't really make sense now with the extra bedroom and the kid friendly amenities... What dreams should I be dreaming about? I don't know. And I can't run from the world like I want to...from all the women in the world ..and it seems each one is pregnant and complaining about the symptoms of pregnancy and I just want to tell them go fuck off you dumb stupid ignorant idiot....you ungrateful bitch...but you can't without looking like a complete psycho bitch...so I sit in silence and try not to cry...and close my eyes at the hair salon today while getting my yearly haircut where I want to ask her to shave me bald but instead just close my eyes so I don't see the pregnant girl and don't cry when they can't stop talking about her baby "Elijah" waiting to be born and I want to say Elijah is a stupid over popular name..and you're hispanic duh...anyhow I close my eyes and cry on my way to my mother's where I'd left Tess to play wiht the other dogs, and then clean myself up so "D" doesn't see and so I don't have to explain to people who don't want to know any ol' way. And now I can't sleep. And you'd think it's all these thoughts that are running through my head overwhelming me but it's not...it's just two...I won't have any babies and I want to smoke...those two thoughts like a good obsessive person and that's all I think except maybe some wine would help but really...when does wine help?