The other half...of the pill that is

The other half of that old Valium finally went down the hatch tonight. That my brain doesn't literally explode surprises the shit out of me. Yesterday...late yesterday...I go over to my mom's and meet my sib who said they were taking D to Target to do some shopping..would I like to come along. Um..I've done like shit worth of Christmas shopping so uh, yeah! I get there, my sibs on the horn with the other sib...we've got nobody to watch my dad today, Teresa called out. When did she call out I ask? Last week. What? What!? and we're trying to figure this shit out the night before? Older sib gets a puss on when I suggest we take turns...arguing with other sib...I say, Hang up and call the day chick. The day chick so far, Rocks...kind, considerate, and will do anything no qualms. Sib is like, she can't do another day. I say just call her ass and see if she knows someone. I get my cell and call myself. She says she's calling a friend, what's the rate for the day, how long and she'll let me know in a few. Calls me back in half hour and it's covered. The anxiety that erupted in my chest over the shit...not so fast to go away.

Today I'm freaked as nobody seems to have any fire under their ass about moving my dad's shit, packing up, nothing. I speak to both sibs who say, "you think we need to start". WTF fellas really? I won't get into it..it's just stupid and long. We haven't packed shit. Younger sib says they'll meet me there tomorrow to pack. Neither know what I'm up to tomorrow so I tell them I'll call after "work".

Kay calls me tonight and I vomit my problems to her over the phone. I explain I cancelled my therapy session as I don't want to share tomorrow with anybody whether it's good or bad except for Kay of course who if I was a lesbian I would marry as she's just too good to me. Anyhow, she says, Gem, take the other half of that Valium, get some sleep tonight and try not to think about it. I decide to go ahead and take it and the anxiety has subsided. I'll sleep in a bit but wanted to just share this whatever this is, here, where I can say what I need.

I wonder at times when I'll find some peace...to have a baby I imagine you need some peace for that egg to want to hold onto. I don't remember a time where I had that. Always chaos in my life. Hoping for the best tomorrow but trying to prepare myself for the worst. Time will tell.