So I went to the appointment today. Took 2, count them 2 hours to get there. She was thorough as all hell and I was nervous as all hell. Cried all the way to Kay's house to pick her up as she made the trip with me..what a friend. So the doctor asks me what brings me there, asks me what I think went wrong. I tell her they told me it's most likely a chromosomal abnormality or it could be my weight. She says, "It's not your weight". She then says, Whyyyy didn't you come here first?! I wish you would have. She says it's my age and my uterus but later, after looking at my uterus..fun fun...she says it's fine. Tells me that I could try IVF again, that it wouldn't be crazy. That if she were to do it the one thing she would have done differently is she would have let the eggs mature a little more before taking them out. Can I tell you...the whole time I was doing IVF I was wondering why she didn't leave them in for longer?! but I never trust myself, don't want to appear like a know it all, scared to ruffle feathers or ask stupid questions, and I hate that but that's life. She says, if you're producing 20something eggs, and only 5 are mature, what a waste of all those other eggs! She says to find out if the remaining balance on my insurance $11,000 can be completely applied to donor eggs and if not to try the IVF once more...if it can then just go with donor as the stats are better... I tell her I'll do a round of donor out of pocket. So it looks like it's another round of IVF. I don't think it'll work but I've gotta give it a shot...one last shot with my own eggs. Right before I began writing this post, I logged onto my facebook and saw that another one of my friends, my age and always sickly, just had a baby. All I can do is pray.
After the doctor's appointment Kay and I went and got something to eat, I ran home with a ridiculously upset stomach and a little tipsy from 1/2 a glass of wine, fell asleep or more like a coma on the couch and then went to my dad's apartment to begin packing up the shit. I had told my younger sib to meet me and we could just do an hour's worth so they agreed. We emptied his fridge, cleared everything off the wall, all his meds and bathroom shit, Pretty good so far. We also discovered that my cousin who is 19 and was shipped here to stay with relatives from whatever country he's from has been breaking into my dad's with a credit card, this after we changed the locks suspecting he had been breaking in, and has been having friends over. We left him a note along with all his shit we found hidden in a closet for him to hightail it. My dad tried to help him when he first came and let him live with him but had to kick him out, as did the other relative he was sent here to stay with..I still feel bad as it's winter and freezing but we can't have someone using drugs living there.
So after that I ran to the supermarket as we're having a breakfast at work tomorrow in lieu of a gift exchange and bought all kinds of shit...shitty shit. Usually I bake or order a beautiful platter of fruit that costs an arm and a leg but my heart's not in it. I'm pissed at those people or some of them and honestly, who has time for that and I'm stressed. So I bought two packs of $3 cinnamon buns, a box of cookies, one of donuts, all store baked (wow, impressive), 3 orange juice containers, and I'll pick up some bagels tomorrow. Sounds like a lot but really I spent about $20 at the supermarket and have a coupon for bagels and cream cheese combo for $12.99 so..... I usually buy each staff a gift and bake them a little something. Fuck it is what I'm saying this year....fuck it and I'm tired. I didn't even decorate my house...no tree no nothing. My plan is to buy 2 poinsettias tomorrow and put one in the dining and one in the living and merry friggin Christmas folks.
So that's it. I started the day crying on my way to the doctor and ended it crying seeing my dad's apartment empty but I smiled all day in between as in general it's been good...chick gave me hope. So the beat goes on and I'm hopeful again. Not deliriously, naively hopeful but thinking..hmm...maybe. Maybe it can happen.
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