Coming to a head

The anxiety is at full swing folks as this week the shit is coming to a head...so I'll either be in pieces at the end or will see a ray of hope. I have my appointment this Monday with the new clinic and the new doctor. Did I mention I pulled up the stats on Sart.org and my regular clinics stats were ridiculously low...so low it's just not even worth mentioning. The shrink brought up the fact, and I do believe I'm repeating some info here, that stats depend on the info going in...in other words on who they actually accept and it may just be that my clinic takes everybody and this other clinic does not...hoping this isn't the case and they'll actually take me...well time will tell won't it. I feel like this year has been the ass kicker of ass kickers and it'd be great to end on a positive.

In other news, my father is still at the nursing home for longer than we expected as he had somewhat of a setback. He continues to hallucinate and be nowhere near normal mentally or physically. A devastation really and last night after picking up my sib from the bus stop they stated wanting to get to the bottom of it so that he can go back to normal. Go back to normal? Ummm, perhaps I've had the hope bitch slapped out of me but I said to them, Uh,,,I don't think he's going back to "normal". Not for nothing but..hello. I could be wrong. I hope I'm wrong. For D's sake and for his sake as he hates all of this shit and I hate it to but frankly, I'm not holding my breath. Aside from all this shit, the finances are going faster than you can say, whatthefuck? and my youngest sib, who is in charge of the finances is in shock. They had given a budget of $2K to fix the new apartment and I said, are you just accounting for materials? They thought I was nuts. I explained, having recently had a bathroom renovated this shit costs dough. Needless to say, $2k went on materials...we're waiting to hear how much the work turned out to be. Yes, we work ass backwards...work first price later..go figure. There's nothing that can be done about it but we are definitely raising every one's rent come next year. He may be discharged on Monday which worries me because there is no way I can help with that....waited over 2 months for this doctor's appointment but I won't even jump to any worrying as I've got enough in real life.

Work is work. I finally had the opportunity to speak to my boss about the shit going on in my unit. No reprimands for anybody of course....may be taken off of my staff list and put in a different unit which is fine. I'm just so done with the whole thing really. Just need my peace but need my ego to get out of Peace's way. I am well aware that my worrying is my own OCD shit and though I've never been diagnosed with that..thank God...every one's got a little of everything and it's crystal clear to me that work woes is a topic that I take too personally. I wish I could just go there, leave and blow shit off but it's like I'm constantly playing these old tapes in my head and I rewind the mothers and play them back...angry at the whole shit of it. Got to get over it really. Just trying to find a way. I've just been praying about it like Mattie tells me.

As far as my fairy Godmother I haven't visited her again and I feel terribly guilty but the truth is I have not had time for shit. My apartment is a mess and today, the first day I would have had some time, I found myself unable to get up off the couch dead asleep as I've been unable to catch enough zzzz's all week. I finally had time to dye my hair today and shave everything that needed shaving...tmi..sorry...and tomorrow I take care of plucking and bleaching whatever else needs to be done.

And that's it. I'm wiped. Just fucking wiped. Say a prayer for me this week whoever is out there as I'll need it. I'll need it and I've needed it as there are too many days where I feel I'm at the cusp of losing the shit.. Just losing my friggin mind or whatever is left of it.