It's been an ass kicker of a week and I find myself with anxiety, obsessive thoughts, and unable to friggin sleep. My father is not well. Not the kind of 'not well' that impairs one physically...it's all mental...hallucinating nonstop, he even looks and sounds different. The night before after we'd left the nursing home my sibs were called back as he'd become violent with the aides. My older sib ran over there to find him surrounded by aides at the reception desk, sitting there calmly and when they asked him what was wrong he answered..I'm sitting here surrounded by apes...referring to the aides.. The only saving grace is that he said this in a different language. Sheesh. My other sib came down from where they live and ended up staying until 6 a.m. as he would not go to sleep though they'd given him 4 different meds to try and knock him out. Though I offered to come down my sib refused and truthfully, I was delirious as I'd been going since early that morning non stop and had gotten home past midnight getting the call a bit after 1 a.m. I could have gone but they probably would have had to give me something as well. I've been trying to see him daily and trying not to go on the days my younger sib is able to come down though it's a crap shoot when they're coming which is a bit frustrating...I'm tired.
At work. Hmmm...how to sum it up so that my hands don't fall off explaining it all. One of the chicks at work has been having a titty fit regarding their caseload. Now listen, I gave some of the investigations to others when I saw it was too much but right now they have one a month for the next several months and they wanted me to ask the judge for an extension...for a report due in January!! I tried to explain calmly my concerns but she ripped me a new one, actually followed me to my office screaming at me while I yelled for her to stop and that was enough..finally slamming the door and locking it. The next day I was in for some more. Amidst all this was calls from the aides regarding my father being out of control. I sat quietly in my office for a minute contemplating whether to cry or have a nervous breakdown. My day ended Friday with a trip over to court for a sentencing on a case and we were whisked away to safety when pandemonium broke out. It was crazy, adrenaline pumping kind of shit...and that my friends was the end of my work week.
I don't see the shrink this week. She's overbooked..sweet. I have to plan for emotional survival. At work the plan is to close the office door and just ignore people. Home, gonna just pace myself though the work week starts with me having to meet someone to do some work for my dad's business...that's after my real job on Monday. Sweet..again. My sibs and I had to take over his business. Did I mention this? It's been an ass kicker and a good learning experience...not much of a stretch as we grew up surrounded by it and my mother, even with her growing dementia is able to be a resource when we are stuck and unsure of how things are done. Interestingly enough she remembers how to operate all financials. Thankfully.
So that's my life. Never a dull moment. The anxiety is killer. The no sleep is killer. And I wonder why I can't have babies. I can't remember a time when there wasn't some kind of stress. It's exhausting. And the other day, as I left the nursing home, a thought came to me; why? Why would I want to bring someone into this world full of all this crazy ass suffering? How fucking selfish am I? But I guess we're all selfish, or most of us, as most of us do it. It would bring me joy and I guess that's what life is about. Just enjoying the little joys. It's what keeps us going and not drowing in our shit. Finding things that make life fulfiling and worthwhile. The thought of children does that for me.
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