A Quiet Desperation

All week I've been obsessing with the thought that I hope I get pregnant..ever since I spoke to the RE on Monday. I have to keep things in perspective and keep myself hopeful but not so hopeful that I set myself up for a devastation. I have two things that are better or different happening than last time; one, my fibroid was cut back, and two, I'm using a different sperm..one that I really want to take. I'm just worried that it won't happen and then wonder what I'll do with my life really...what plans I will have. I spoke to Kay about that fact that I now have to replace my car due to the tranny problem and explained that if I do indeed get pregnant then that would effect what type of car I get and I'd get something more conventional...if it's not in the cars then I'll rebuy what I drive now which is ridiculously unconventional by any stretch of the imagination particularly for a woman my age (ugh the sound of that..ugh, but true). She asked me if it didn't work, wasn't I planning to adopt? Well, I guess I'd have to cross that road but that would be down the pike as this has been emotionally exhausting and I can't continue on a race like thi; have it not work and jump into another battle in an effort to find my baby..I would need time to just collect myself and my disappointment. The thought makes me want to cry. I have two more shots at this left which isn't bad and the RE said she thought my chances were not bad...she didn't say they were good but when I asked her if they were bad, she said absolutely not..made me feel a lot better. So we'll see where it goes. I'm scared. I'm scared of what I'll do if it doesn't happen. A part of me gets so crazed at the idea that I think I'd sell my place, quit my job and just live a simple bullshit, hippy, go back to art life...just feels I'd need to shut down and just get away from all my coworkers who are mothers or wives or both and just so fucking proud of it all that they have to talk about it nonstop..Yes, I realize I'd do the same but it hurts nonetheless. I keep looking up shit to up your chances of conceiving..really not that helpful though they keep mentioning reduce stress..difficult though I'm trying to disengage myself from the bitches at work or I should say, continuing to try..I'm listening to my meditation CD on my breaks there which is somewhat helpful but not always and just trying to keep or needing to try to keep a low profile while there. The work has been relentless this week but I'm trying to just do it and shut up about it. I've been feeling cramping lately indicating my period is coming and the start of this rat race of injections again. I'm ready..I think I'm ready. Going to take some time off when the time comes and just be better to myself. Not always such an easy task.