Tomorrow I see the doctor. It's been a while since I've been to the clinic and I'm trying to prepare myself for another bout of emotional ass whoopings. I used to walk in there smiling and walk out of there euphoric but alas, reality has reared it's ugly head one too many times to give me negative news related to that joint... so I go in tomorrow with a heavy heart and a fear that I won't recognize anyone; that everyone would have gotten their little piece of heaven and I'm still at the starting gate waiting, just waiting and hoping that there's a little piece left for me. We all sit there together and you get to know your group...there's the orthodox couple where the woman is a teeny tiny young beautiful thing and the guy is gross and mistreats her...the other couple with the beautiful tiny wife and big ugly dude who treats her like a princess...the yuppy couple who speak in nods and eye movements not daring to move their lips..and the list goes on..we all notice each other, raise our brows to each other but never speak to each other...weird really. I imagine that I'm the "woman who is never there with her partner"..if they labeled the way I labeled, I imagine that's who I'd be..the "no partner is ever with her" woman. I'm cool with that in theory, but at times it is, I'll admit, an emotional bummer. So I go in tomorrow to see my beautiful, inside and out, doctor who I imagine has the perfect life with her beautiful husband and two boys..(yes, I think I mentioned I looked her up and found out, regrettably in retrospect, too much information about her...uh, I'm a total nosey stalker)..I don't resent her blessings as she's that nice..too nice to even be jealous about..like a lovely angel really. This is how I see her..ethereal..and I'm not alone..Kay says the same thing, that there's something ethereal and almost glowing like about her..weird, huh? That's my doctor. I'll see her and she'll pump me up with hope and then soothe me with her gentle words when my world comes crashing down. Hoping that tomorrow doesn't bring any bad news..she said she was waiting for the pathology report and historyically, this hasn't been a good thing for me, these pathology reports....Don't even want to go there but the brain goes where it goes. I imagine if it was horrible news I'd of gotten a phone call so..that's good. Going to try and go in with some semblance of a positive outlook..it'll work this next time I'm sure..God willing..please God..
Oh, ..my fairy Godmother called to invite me to....drum roll please...a fucking baby shower! Yes, yes, no fucking applause at my luck but it's all good. It's her fucked up grandson's girlfriend who is having a baby and I don't think there's one person happy about it. I'm totally fine with it really...it just hurts the teeniest tiniest little bit..totally tolerable pain. I even get to go baby shopping for a nice gift..now that, yes that'll hurt.
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