I went to my mother's house today with a sense of relief as I knew she was gone for the day. Off to Atlantic city to play the slots which she does on occasion. So the younger sibling was home as they had agreed to spend the day caring for "D". It went surprisingly well...we went shopping and had a pretty decent conversation about where we were going in our lives. As soon as my mother arrived my hackles went up...she was home earlier than I'd thought and I immediately began to scramble getting my belongings together...she named a million things she'd left to be done, rattling off the list asking if they'd been done, and I called up to my younger sib to be on the watch as she was on a roll. I'd almost made it out when I said the unthinkable..."mom, keep in mind that this is {sibling's} weekend too and don't ask for too much tomorrow". Yeah,.. wrong thing to say. Went off on a tirade of what do I ever do for her...what does sibling do for her..she insisted I tell her so I did...pissed her the fuck off. Gave her the laundry list: go to the supermarket, go to the pharmacy, write out her checks, take her to church, pick her up, do her hair, call her doctors, read this letter, et cetera et fucking cetera... She stone walled me. As I try to explain that my goal isn't to upset her but just have her try to keep in mind that we get tired too. She tells me we have no consideration for her and what is my problem with her. We have no consideration of you? I ask..are you out of your mind?! She stopped talking to me...completely stone walled me. That's usually my father's move to stop speaking. I told her that I always seem to upset her but the truth is I'm the only one who'll say something to her. I tried to say it all calmly and conversation like. I told her maybe it's better that I don't visit any more...Nothing. She won't answer. I left. I feel bad and think it is me. It must be me as even she, who has whatever it is she has, dementia?, has noticed that it's me...point blank said.."I don't know what your problem is with me". It must be me. I think to myself that it's probably better that I don't go back there...too much stress and I wonder where did this anger come from. I feel a definite anger towards her and it comes out.. I won't lie about that. I call her on all her shit and won't let one slip by though each day that I drive to her house I pray on my way there that I don't upset anyone and that I don't get upset. I wonder sometimes who this lady is...why she isn't the mother that I want..not why she can't be..why I can't accept her...I'm not sure...I don't know what it is about me that expects her to be more than she is..maybe more than she can be or could've been..where did this come from. I am an angry bitter person I think to myself. I am an angry hostile person. I think of my doctor...Dr. B who is all things good and sweet...beautiful inside and out and I wonder how her mom was towards her. What surrounded her to make her so sweet or was it just how she was meant to be. I think of that show...19 kids and counting and how the mother on the show explained that she consciously makes an effort to speak to them sweetly as that's what type of mother she wants to be and what she wants her kids to experience and her husband explains that if they don't speak to them with respect there'll be no trust and respect reflected back and I think..Is this my problem, what went wrong with me? Why can't I be a sweet warm person, what made me this hard angry hypersensitive person? And what did I want from them..what exactly did they do that made me so angry at them? Just annoy me really...maybe I am magnifying her deficits more than the average person..maybe... I'm not even sure of anything any more. All I know is that when I leave there, I feel like a bad person. When I'm there I just want to eat and eat and eat..I want to yell and yell and yell and argue argue argue and I always leave upset..can't recall a time that I left there feeling adequate or sane..always a bad feeling. I have nowhere to run..no sanctuary outside of my home where I can go to tell someone. The new therapist doesn't seem like a resource, at least not yet..probably not ever though I don't want to be such a pessimist..Not sure. What I do know is that something needs to give..something needs to change..I need to change my reaction to her. She had me list anything I do for her...I'm listing laundry fucking detergent puchases for crying outloud. Fuck. Fuck, I tell you. Fuck. Grocery shopping trips. Listing shit I do for "D". Since when do I have to qualify what I do for her. I asked her, what do you do for me? Can you list something? Just one thing? Fuck. How petty. How motherfucking petty.
You know, mother's are so important. It's our refuge I think and when you don't have one you're lost. My mother never had one and in turn she could never be our refuge..MY refuge as I have to learn to keep it in the "I" and not speak for my siblings. I've felt lost for as long as I can remember though we all try and go back to the house to find our peace...the missing piece..I wonder what type of mother I would be if given the opportunity. Would I be supportive, argumentative, angry? Would I love enough? Would it be enough to satisfy a child..with my broken self? I think yes at times as I think I love Tess too much..smother her, overdress her for the weather, baby her. Is this good mothering? Does anyone really know what it is? Not sure.
I sort of wish your mom would move to Atlantic City and stay there. I know you work hard to do the right thing for your mother and esp for your siblings. I know that when you have the chance to become a mother you have a perfect example of how not to be therefore the good mothering skills will prevail.
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