Last night I spoke briefly to Kay whom I love but it wasn't what I needed. I waited until about 11:30 pm and called Diana who was working graveyard. She said she'd been just about to call me,something I had needed to hear; that someone was thinking of me..needy huh? but there it is. Diana, out of all my friends, knows me the best and is the most similar to me in certain respects. I cried like a freak for about an hour..wracking sobs the ugly, I can't even talk, crying..smoked a marlboro menthol from my emergency stash and finally after 3 days of emotional hell felt human again. Went to work today, got through the meeting without killing anyone or making an ass of myself..almost got through my shift without someone annoying the crap out of me..and here I am: safe and sound at home. Tomorrow is another meeting with my staff to start the day and I have a feeling it's not going to be good. I'm going to try to get through it without getting my ass handed back to me on a platter and just move on. One of my coworker..a young girl who I'm pretty close to, said Gem, next time you can't run around stressing like you do..you gotta be away from here as it's too much..this is all too much and I think she's right. I worked like I always worked and was annoyed by people like I always am..and really, though I know my not getting pregnant is not my fault, I have to do more to protect myself, to ensure that I don't just carry that all capable attitude..it's not good for me and it doesn't do me any favors and really, if I was an embryo, I'd be like, I'm outta here..so next time..I'm going to take a little time to myself and protect myself even if I have to call out to do it. But that's for later but a good lesson along the way.
So the moral of this story? Shit happens and this too shall pass. I feel better. Not 100% back to where I was but better. When I got home today I opened up my underwears to find my period sitting there..a relief as I didn't want to get it while at work, and feel any emotions while there, and also was worried that it wasn't coming..it's here and I'm fine with it. I'll try again in January. Am definitely going to find a shrink as, even though I feel okay, I recognize that I have demons haunting me that I can't shake on my own and eventually they will come for me and take me if I don't deal with them now so on to a therapist it is. Have to find one less crazy than me which you'd think wouldn't be as hard as it is..but isn't this the way of things?
I'm going to try and use this time between now and January to focus on me, finding a therapist and lose a little weight..just get myself together a bit. No more smoking for me as I woke up with the urge after yesterdays slip..maybe a beer later.. Just need to relax.
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