A few months back, when it looked like the shit had hit the fan, I went through my house and removed most of the baby shit...the clothes Diana had given me and that sort of thing. I came back from the vet today, from taking my Tess and as I sat in my guest room at the computer, I looked up on the shelves to see one too many baby books left and I realized it was time to really clean house. Get rid of all the pregnancy books, and magazines...all the bullshit around. I have one pair of sneakers Diana had given me that are just too cute to part with. I also have a maternity shirt..the first thing I bought when I started trying, that I found on sale at the Gap...I kept that too...though I have a lump in my throat about it....not sure really. Anyhow...purging all this shit in my life. I figure if I ever do have a baby, I can buy anything I really need that'd been given to me. I want to shut down this blog and start a new one though I would like to link them somehow and I'm not sure how that works. Will have to take a look at how to do it.
I still have not received a call from the new "doctor/nurse practitioner" I went to though I've called 3 times and she said she was going to call me by last Saturday...here we are a week later. I left her a message...basically it said mail me my test results. I can't talk to her as she's a nice girl and I'll rip her a new asshole the like she's never experienced before and really for what? Just makes me angry. This on top of it all...just makes me angry.
So that's where I'm at. Still brokenhearted, still crying, still coming to terms with life. Angry at God, at the world really, and unable to pray and I'm fine with it for now though like any good Catholic, the guilt is there. I've tried to pray but end up telling God off and really, what kind of prayer is that? So I've cut it down to a few words, "dear God, thank you for your blessings, please continue to bless me and all those that I care about and need your blessings. Amen". I can utter that at least. Right now my goal is to just make it to Wednesday when I see the shrink lady and I'm just hoping that helps...if nothing else that it brings me some relief. I have my moments. Today I have to do a second birthday celebration for "D" and this one is out at a restaurant/arcade type atmosphere...so not anywhere able to handle th is but there it is. I'll dow hat I can to try and get through it. I smoked again. I keep smoking. It doesn't help but it's my version of self-mutilation I suppose...my fuck you to the world but really I'm just hurting myself...it's all so grown up really. Anyhow, this post, this fucked up post that is probably such a downer, is just for me...just to get shit off my chest really. Shits still on my chest but...fuck.
No comments:
Post a Comment