Meltdown

I lost it today. Just completely broke down in tears and really, I don't even know where I'm going from here. I called the chick Allison at the clinic who returned my call. I explained how upset I was about the information provided. She said that really, what more did I want to know. Are you fucking kidding? I mean..I'm outta touch about some things but what more do I want to know? I want to know everything but I'll settle for some information. Not just the abc's. I explain, not for nothing (and that phrase, not for nothing, is not one you want to hear from my mouth as it's usually followed by something so brutally honest it should never be uttered aloud..but I held back), I said, not for nothing but I got more information when I adopted my dog. I say, Allison, I'll be frank (really?) and say that I was more than a little upset. She says she'll try to see if there's more they can share but it's doubtful. I say I don't think this is the one for me asI know nothing about Colombia. She says, it's the only hispanic we had. I say, listen don't limit me to hispanics. I'll consider Italian or other similar backgrounds but I need to know more. She says, well we got someone from Hungary last week but she's really tall if you want I can try to see if she wants to give again. Is it really just you'll give me any old eggs and because mine suck I have to deal? Really that's what I've come to? I don't say this though. We go back and forth and finally she says there's only a handful of people to choose from. I ask her what are some clinics she can recommend me to for egg donors and she gives me two names and when I ask she says it's significantly more money. She asks me something and I go blank. I go blank because I'm so upset I can't even hear her and I tell her I'll have to call her back. I shut down my computer, call my boss and tell her I'm leaving, email my staff and tell them the same and I'm out of there. I'm so upset I can't think, I can't breathe and really, even now, hours later, I'm just numb. The thought of starting over, of spending more money than I have, of no children, of all the shit that you can and can't imagine shooting through my brain is just floating in front of me, blinding me. I'm angry at the universe for a million reason really. I just can't seem to make any headway here..in this life here. I am stumped as to why, why, why, God is so unhappy with me, or what the fuck I did in my previous life, that I have to have a beatdown in this one. And yes, other people have it way worse, I realize there are starving people and brutalized people and they don't deserve that either but I am just thinking of me, feeling selfish and angry and self indulgent I suppose...I'm not sure. Do I have a right to feel what I feel? I don't care. I feel it anyway.

I'm just exhausted. Exhuasted by this whole process. Exhausted by life. I am calling a shrink tomorrow as I just feel like I can't handle this alone. I'm done really. For now I'm done.