I finally spoke to one of the embryo clinics today. I've been so out of it I just thought the girl was gonna be a total asshole but it turns out she was very helpful. Turns out it'll be about $30,000 using them. Her suggestion was that I might want to change to a larger fertility clinic where they would have a larger selection of in house donors. She even went as far as to look some up, give me their stats, and the telephone numbers. I don't know how I'm going to pull this off emotionally..I really don't. I feel like I'm falling to pieces really. I made an appointment with a shrink for next week. She seems decent when I googled her. Time will tell. I have to give her a chance as my m.o. is usually to just run at the first sign of weakness but the truth is I need help to get through this. I've never felt this alone in my life and so discouraged really. I can't believe still that this is almost over for me. It's too painful to even believe but there it is. Just going through the motions of life right now doing my damnedest not to smoke too much and get back on that stuff which probably contributed to my current situation...who knows really. I'm just so sad about all of this and even that sounds like it's not enough to describe exactly what it is I feel. If I had money, real money, perhaps I wouldn't feel that this is all so final. I don't know. I really don't. Who the fuck knows.
She suggested I try 3 places...NYU fertility, RMA of NY, and Cornell fertility. I get a feeling this is going to be big bucks. I can't help but think things would be so much easier if I wasn't alone and I know why I think this,...because it's the truth really. Just someone who was fighting the fight with me, who I could bounce shit off of without feeling I was burdening them with my misery. I called Diana today and of course was so upset I could barely speak and she was nothing but supportive but I have the feeling that she and Kay are tired of hearing me cry hysterically or maybe this is just my mind playing tricks on me as they both insist they want to hear it.
So this is what is coursing through my mind....fist and foremost...I feel like the game is over...and though I fight this thought, it creeps in over and over. Then I think..I want to change clinics and this I've pretty much determined to be a bit more concrete. I also think perhaps I should do another round of IVF somewhere else...crazy right? I go back and forth. The truth of the matter is I need to consult with a doctor. I'm also thinking I should call my acacupuncturist who went through all this shit and ask her who she used. I'm grasping at straws but this is where my mind is going...Not sure if I can do this. I'm just not sure. I can't stop crying...it's effecting my work. I left early today again and spent the morning and yesterday morning with my door closed. I think my staff are afraid to approach me as I can't stop crying. I'm hoping this chick next week, the shrink, can help me. I just need to sort through all of the muck in my head, re-energize and haul ass. Think things through and get my bearings. I'm sad. Sad like fucked up kind of sad...can't move kind of sad, can't breathe, can't bear to fucking breathe...that kind of sad.
Anyhow, I just have to pull myself out of this funk but I'm also going to try and cut myself a little slack here. I have to mourn this as it really is a death and I've said it before...it's the death of a dream...the dreams we have as children, as young women and as grown women. It hurts. It makes me feel like just giving up on life..it hurts that bad and if it wasnt' for Tess and "D" I probably would just say fuck it all. But I know from past experience that things always get better or so it seems and so I have to hang on to that and think that someday this will just be a memory and really....how much time do I have anyway? Maybe 30 years if I'm lucky? It flies I'll tell you that.
Diana made the comment today that she can't believe how fucked up the cards I've been dealt have been and though I want to believe that this is true, want to indulge myself in my self pity a bit, sit in my shit as they say, I realize this isn't wholly true. I know too well that my cards were pretty good. Listen, I'm aware of my bad cards...they ain't good: cancer, molestation, obesity, issues with D, and belive me..the issues with "D", I lived through it by the skin of my teeth and you wouldn't even begin to believe it, an ass kicker, and there's some shit that's just ridiculously ridiculous. And I've never had real love in my life..painful but there it is. But...and this is a bit ass but..no pun..I had a great education, have never wanted financially (not rich but have always had adequate food shelter, etc..), have been super successful in my own career, more brains than I've needed, and have always felt an angel sitting on my shoulder..always....even my siblings say that I have a gift..and I feel this, I feel this presence of some type of blessing. But it's been an ass kicker, this life, nonetheless. I always say that where my life has failed was in the personal department. I have tons of friends..I do and I know how fortunate this is...but I have had no love of my life, no babies, no family of my own really aside from the one I grew up in. This shit leaves a woman feeling like she's not a woman I can tell you that. I wonder sometimes what was my purpose. For "D"? I fight like a mother for "D"...one of my sibling says she loves to hear my rants when I get my craw up for "D" but they don't get what it takes from me...it hurts me to have to act like that...like a bear..fighting..it hurts me..but I do it. I wonder is this why I'm here? For "D"? I've been doing the "D" thing since "D"s birth. Fine. Fine. But I want a family of my own and this can't be all there is for me...these fucking walls in this fucked up job with fucked up people and i'm grateful...I am but this.... It hurts me. That's all I can really say.
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