I've turned into such a chicken shit I can't even stand my sniveling self anymore. I'm freaked out at work and feeling anxious left and right. I'm super freaked about this upcoming IVF thing and even just waiting for my period (due tomorrow) is totally stressing me out, even though it's not this round I'm doing, but next round....freaked, freaked, freaked. I have to call them though the day I get my period this cycle..why? I don't know..I'm just too freaked to really think shit out. And last but not least...I'm freaked that this guy that is supposedly interested in me is calling me...at least I think it's him as someone, with his same last name, left a quick message yesterday on my machine telling me to call him but not saying why. Supposedly this dude met me at work though he was not a client and of course I can't remember him for shit because that is how I roll...I never remember anybody...just meet wayy too many people. Kay doesn't remember him either. Who the fuck knows..but I'm freaked. I feel like shit about my body and I can't go out with anybody like this. Aside from that I'm in the middle of trying to make a baby... He's actually the same mix I am and works in a sort of similar field.. If he was the one that left the message, he has a slight accent...not really my thing but who the freak am I really.
Anyhow, I'm trying to be calm as I know I have to be for this upcoming cycle but I have too many fires going at the same time and the stress is just ridiculous... Mattie tells me to pray about it and I try to pray but I'm distracted by my own thoughts..craziness really.
Any ol' way, I can't write as my hands are killing me. Wanted to just touch base and catch up, let go of some of these thoughts here on these pages.
Trying to stay cautiously hopeful about the next few months. I'm scared as it's more hopeful than cautious and I can't have another broken heart this year...
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