Goodbyes

I have a friend I made from the CCB website as we'd been using the same donor sperm, or rather, her partner was using the same sperm as I was. We talk regularly and her partner had been doing IUI's...12 in total I believe. She just found out that IVF, which would be her next step,  is $26k where she lives and it's pretty much curtains for them. I received a message from her on Facebook that seemed like a goodbye to me. Just brought me down...another one bites the dust and I can't help but think that this may be me in a month or two...biting the reality dust. I felt sad for her but more sad for her partner who is understandably devastated. It's just devastating. It's a loss of your babies...the babies you pictured having as a child...real babies you imagined when you played with your baby dolls and just knew that you would eventually have along with that husband who would be just perfect...shit. Life is just an ass kicker sometimes.

I feel like sometimes my heart will surely fucking explode with the grief and the pain but it doesn't, it just goes on and on and on. Even when I think it's not possible to take another breath, another step, to live another day, it just goes on, and it's as if nothing is happening in your world, nothing horrible. It's not like when someone dies, or when you get fired, get divorced or whatever other horrific thing happens...nobody really gets it unless they have lived it. What you get is people saying, well you can adopt and when I hear this, I just want to tear their eyeballs out. That is one of the stupidest things you can fucking say. Really I can adopt? So can you you fucking ass wipe but that isn't a first choice for anybody and again, I'm so tired of people's easy answers to life tragedies. The right answer is "I'm sorry. How devastating", or something like that. That is the right answer.

Anyhow, I'm pissed tonight and I'm upset and maybe part of it is that I got my period today which is never good for me. All these periods and cramps for nothing. What a joke.