Pain in every corner

I usually get the weekend paper from my mother but right now she and "D" are out of the country and I stopped her subscription so I ran out yesterday just for the local Sunday. Me and the paper have a love hate relationship. My sibling always says I should be in politics as I get myself all riled up by the injustices in the world and I guess I can put up a good debate...it also makes me pissed as all hell so I always tell sib to just can it and mind their own bees wax...Anyhow, as usual, I digress. I get the paper and look for the coupon section and for whatever reason, I can't look at it. It doesn't instantly register as to why and the first two pages are not coupons at all but rather an ad for the Olympics. Today Kay brings in coupons to share and again I'm looking at the Olympic's ad...I look...wtf is bothering me...an Olympian hopeful with her mom...they look identical and I look away from it and up from my desk and find myself looking into the little stand up mirror that's on my desk purchased at the dollor store and I realize...this will never be me. I will never have someone with my curly, curly, curly, hair, or my million freckles that I really shouldn't have but that all my siblings do (we have no idea where we got these shits from), or my full lips or my "near perfect" teeth (not my opinion..my dentist's)...and yes, I also won't have a crazy kid who is hypervigilant nearing paranoia, supersensitive almost to the absurd, fightst depression, or has the overweight gene..but I will miss the frigging freckles, and I will miss the curls and I take a good look at the pic and it breaks my heart just a little and it makes me cry just a little. And I know, I have to accept, even if I don't like it or I don't want it, it's not one of those things where you can say " I don't accept" like I've done with all the things that just weren't tolerable in my life...in this case, whether I accept it emotionally or not...the choice isn't mine..I have to accept that it'll never be and that's it and Amen.

Earlier today I got a call from one of my staff (frantically mind you) asking for help with a client (child) completely nuts and out of control who finally had to be restrained by an officer. I run out of the building to where she's working, not knowing what to expect. He rolls his lower lip against the glass at me when he sees me....soooo silence of the lambs like. Ugh. I asked her, what's wrong with him...her reply? "he's adopted". Fucked up? Maybe. But too often we work with these kids that are all fucked up and out of control and too often they have that one common denominator..adopted...this was also too often true when I worked with the dually diagnosed (mentally ill/addicts), I would say 75% were adopted. D is adopted...my poor sweet D who breaks my heart, just breaks my heart with all they've suffered. This isn't always the case. I have 4 friends growing up who were adopted and are relatively normal...one is an alcoholic but that didn't happen until she was in her early 30's, and two of them are a little whacked but hey people who live in glass houses....  It still scares me this about adoption. I try to keep in the forefront of my mind that what I see at work is the worst of the worst in terms of children, in terms of men, in terms of marriage, and there are happy endings. Diana always says that she doesn't know why God sent me to work where I work as I was already warped when it came to men...who the fuck knows. I know I learned that some men are good too..I learned this from some of my coworkers who are relatively good people (yes, they do exist). My one coworker Henry who was married and never cheated but was left 2 years ago by a cheating wife (he has some serious control issues but would help you if and when the shit hit the fan...good people..not marriage material though) and my other coworker who I won't even give a name, who is sweet as sugar and it appeas that his wife has recently left him after 20 plus years of marriage...nices guy but a bit effem for my taste..but good people...real good people...they do exist....and I guess this is something I've learned from working there...but the adoption thing...it's just been re-inforced.

Anyhow, I find myself babbling. I just...I just want to not look and see things that hurt me so much...I can't imagine living my life with this...living this forever. Seeing every baby ad hurt me, seeing every pregnant lady hurt me, every baby coupon, every child's toy...just facing this at every corner...I don't want this to be a forever.