I keep looking up statistics for egg donor success rates...a crazy obsession really and of course I keep looking for articles quoting high rates as the thought of going through all of this for nothing seeems just crazy. This is where my head is: I think if this doesn't work, I will work like mad to pay down the debt and then I'll try again..and that's it. That's it. I can't do any more than that really. I'm one person with just a regular job and no matter what the statistics say or what search engine or what-have-you I use, the question that I'm really asking requires a crystal ball; will I get pregnant using a donor egg? Alas, there is no answer to that on the internet.
I've had this lingering thought in my head this week, and really, maybe I'm just looking for a scapegoat but....I'm not sure if I mentioned that I had seen a therapist for many years in my life and our relationship ended negatively right around the time of the incident at work. In retrospect, I should have ended the relationship years and years earlier as there was an abundance of transferance and cross-transferance issues that a blind man should have picked up on but I didn't and shit happens and I'm a stronger person for it. This lady, who I loved too much like a mother, often disappointed me like a mother and I realize now that her opinion weighed too heavily in my life. The thing reverberating in my mind is a conversation I had with her about wanting children and how I would do it alone if it came to that. She said to me that her concern with me being a single mother is her feeling that I would raise the child with the mentality of "it's me and you against the world"...hmmm. This always stayed with me (obviously) and it scared me as I didn't want to ever be a dysfunctional parent and now I'm pissed. I should have had the courage to just do what I wanted rather than seek out her approval and for too long I thought that I just was never enough, never good enough, though that wasn't fully to blame on the therapist...I have to own that...but it pisses me off that I let that into my brain and let her views influence me. I wonder now how this could have even crossed her mind when all I was ever looking for was someone to guide me and someone to love...a companion. Still looking. Anyhow, there it is, out in the open and ready to be flushed down the toilet...and it's gone. Hindsight is indeed 20/20! At my weakest moment, when I was struggling with trauma in my life, was when I was finally able to cut those strings...had to cut them in order to survive..and I thank God for how we are made to fight for our own survival both physical survival and mental...as this is what it was for me.. a fight for sanity...and I got there..I survived. I have to so thank another therapist, Arleeen, who was able to dust me off, stand me on my two feet, tell me I'm enough and set me straight...all in less than a year. Sitting in Arleen's office, after all the shit I'd been through, I had been a puddle of shit, something I thought would never be solid again, but I am. Maybe not how I was...but I never want to be who I was, and am thankful for who I've become. I think back to a time where I thought I could never make it without a therapist and I've seen now that I'm resilient. That even when I don't think I'll make it another day, another minute, I can. Not alone...but with a little help from my friends and from my faith. I guess I'm writing about it as it's still haunting me, those demons from my past, and I have to just expel the last bit of it from my life...once and for all.
I went to WW today. My friend/coworker who'd joined with me didn't show up again and really, I'm fine with it. I think I need to do this on my own really and I'm taking it seriously. I lost 3 pounds last week and none this week which is totally my doing. They talked a little today about food being like any other addiction and there it is. It's true and it's what holds me back...triggers, anxiety, and the call of the wild that makes me go to the kitchen even when I don't want to, even when I know I've had enough. For today, I'm going to try to stay on program. I'll deal with tomorrow, tomorrow. I go back to OA on Tuesday. I have to try and be open and honest with just myself really. Take what I need and leave what I don't. Sometimes I find I make things too complicated and hold myself back so I have to try and just keep it simple...We'll see how it goes.
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