IVF

The trek to the RE's office was quite an adventure as we got lost in a very bad, and I mean very bad, town.There were too many roads closed due to the snow storm and Kay was freaking out and screaming and yelling and I finally said to her "Kay, you gotta stop. You're making me nervous and I need to be calm". She did and apologized. In retrospect she probably wasn't the best decision for the ride there as she is a big worry wart and complainer but I love her to pieces any ol' way. A better friend, a girl couldn't have..we got there. They took me right away and the procedure went better than expected retrieving an unbelievable 21 eggs. I couldn't believe it..couldn't get the smile off my face though the pain was incredible. They gave me something intravenously and gave me more orally when that didn't quite relieve the pain. All in all a painful though lucrative experience that I'm hoping I don't have to repeat. Just hoping 12 get fertilized..that's enough for 3 tries if I implant 4 each time. It was so weird as Kay is nowhere nears shy..she has an uncanny confidence and maybe it's a growing up with tons of support thing or I don't know what, but she went through the whole waiting area and found these albums I had never noticed before. They showed all of the babies born and I couldn't believe the amount of twins and triplets and even quads born to people..most people had multiple births. I would like twins but not more than that..twins would be perfect..preferably one of each..does that sound like something you say at 16 or what?? I'll be happy with healthy.

So that's it. I thought of PFace and A-hole briefly on my way there but feel like I'm back on track emotionally..I can't live in someone's shadow or feeling like I don't have it all. What does "all" mean anyway? Too many people with it all show up at my job all fucked up by the person who swore to love them..too many divorces..too much heartache..too many children caught in the crossfire. I'll be good..just gotta get my emotional self together, keep it together, and keep my perspective straight..

3a.m. and all's well (for lack of something catchier)

So tomorrow I go for IVF..shitting a little hence the 3 a.m. blog. Anyhow, my friend Kay is taking me of course as who the hell else would do it. I'm supposed to have stopped eating and drinking at midnight and of course,,thirsty as all hell..ridiculous. I'm not sure why I'm nervous..I guess it all started Friday when I couldn't pick out a new donor and then found out I needed to order ASAP or I'd be fucked. Kay called me this morning to tell me the road to the RE's office is closed on account of this freak snow storm we had yesterday so I had to pull an alternate route up on mapquest so I'm pretty set. Gonna get up at about 7:15 and Kay is coming at about 9..gotta be there at 10. Scared..not scared more that I'm not looking forward to this whole thing..I'm really not. After the big C I just kinda feel like please stop poking me people and I don't like being under..makes me feel too vulnerable..feel like they'll be talking about my disgusting body..they will..oh well.

So I have a good feeling about this. I had a hunch and I could be wrong, that when I changed donors it would happen. I picked a donor I'm not thrilled with and after the fact I realized too late, that it was an Asshole lookalike..I didn't mean to do that. It must have been subconscious or maybe just coincidence but I"m not happy about it but at this point there's nothing I can do.

I'll be straight and say I've been thinking about them a ton lately and I say them because it's not him, it's them, it's an obsession that comes and goes in my life..I hate it and pray that it goes away all the time but it pops into my head and I can't seem to shake it. I'm trying to just focus on my own life..the reality of what it is..sometimes it seems so insignificant and that I'm grasping at straws here trying to make a life for myself against the flow here. My family. I don't even know what to say about them..you'd think they'd be like..how's it going, any news, so exciting, are you worried..instead..nothing..absolutely nothing. It hurts but I decided I'm not bringing it up again at all even if I get pregnant I'm not bringing it up. I think sometimes it's my fault that they're like this as I haven't exactly been a great sister or daughter..I've pushed them away. It's too painful for me and perhaps I'm a coward but that's how I feel..like it's just too much. I love them but it's a defensive love..you have to be careful because that love will kill you. It will emotionally kill you.

Jabs to the Gut

I sat in my RE's office this morning at about 7 a.m. watching all the beautiful people and not so beautiful people sit with their significant others. A lesbian couple, a black woman with her red headed white husband (who bTw was cuuuute..I'm not dead), the pretty couple who I thought were already finished with this as it'd been a while since they'd been there, and the hispanic couple with the husband who is quite obviously a controlling dick.. I sat there thinking shit Gem, what the heck are you doing? You're alone..you're doing this alone..how can you possibly pull this off emotionally..the pain of being alone has been magnified for whatever reason after finding out about Asshole and Pface..I've prayed on it and prayed on it, to liberate me from these thoughts and really, I don't even think it's jealousy as the thought of him repulses me now as much as the thought of her..too gross to even consider but not alone..though to me a lonely life any ol' how. I don't know what it is I want or what I'm looking for. Well maybe I do. I explained it pretty well to my friend Kay last night on the phone..I want someone in my life who can make me feel like a woman..just look at me like I'm a woman as at times I feel so discounted in this way. I don't even think marriage is something that I would want..but someone to take me out once in a while, treat me like a lady, and love me the same way once in a while. I don't think I could handle more than this but to find someone I can trust..I don't know..that's the hard part.

I went today to a conference that was talking about trauma, victimization, re-victimization by agencies, et cetera...and the incident from work popped into my head and I got so angry....just so fucking angry that my boss didn't protect me but instead protected herself and that fucking asshole..the fact that they twisted the story in a way that made me look like I was nuts..I take my share of the blame..I do, as I shouldn't have gotten angry..but to be manhandled..too much..I didn't deserve that..traumatized by that still today and that's all I'll say on that though I get flashbacks and I'll share that as well. Reinforced my distrust of men even more..made me weak in a way I didn't even know I was..fucked me up. I hate that fucking bitch and I don't want to feel any different about it..I feel the need to hang on to that in order to protect myself..fucking coward of a woman..coward of a man too..fucking cowards.

Just feeling hurt and vulnerable these days. I picked a new donor though I'm not happy with him. I'll admit to my superficiality as the reason I don't like him is he's not cute enough..he'll take though I have a feeling. Feeling on the edge of wild or edge of something..not insanity but of some deep sadness that's not depression just an exhaustion from all the emotions in my life. It hasn't been easy but it's been easier than a starving man's and many others.

All of these things, are little jabs to my gut and to my heart..trying to break me and I hang on to what's around me..been hanging onto Kay for dear life..Kay who is always my faithful friend..a gift I tell you. A blessing.

Run run running from the Pussy (cat) and the (Jack) Ass

I didn't know where to go with this. I really didn't. Talking to Kay and Diana didn't help much..really it didn't. I knew one day it was coming and so here it is..the day I found out Pussy face and Asshole were pregnant. Not quite as painful as finding out they were dating..or that they were engaged..or that they got married ..but painful nonetheless. So here I am with this information and really feeling nothing but shocked, confused, and I won't lie, in some pain. Not pain like I would have felt 5 or 6 years ago but pain. Wondering what did I do in my life that was so fucking terrible that I didn't deserve to meet someone too. I know asshole wasn't for me really though at one point I did think we'd end up together (delusional thinking), but in restrospect, I can see he's not healthy and it wouldn't have been good, but isn't unhealthy better than nothing? Is it? I'm really asking because I'm not sure. So no husband, or even significant someone, and no baby..yet. I want to scream with the unfairness of it all but the truth is, I know it's plenty fair. The reality of it is, that she did things, like the song says, that I wouldn't or couldn't do. And the forces that be kept us apart. He wasn't strong enough for me, strong enough to be the person I needed/need in my life and that's just the fact of it all. I needed a person who would fight for me and be a man for me and that's not who he is..so he's there and I'm here fighting for my baby..but not fighting for my man (whoever that may be)because like Asshole, that's something I can't seem to do either..too alike the both of us I guess, in that way anyway.

Speaking of babies, I went to the RE today but didn't see my regular chick, I had to see the gay guy Dr. L...I really like him and feel comfortable with him..it's the gay thing..makes me feel comfortable and taken care of..(past experiences) so it was good. He found about 14, count them, 14 follicles!!...good huh?

Bitter sweet getting pregnant this way I tell you. It's so precious but it makes not having a partner so crystal clear..magnifies any feelings of loneliness...but not trying is not an option here. It really isn't.

One thing I learned from having cancer and from realizing late in life that you really have to make an effort to attain your goals and dreams, is that life is very short. Now, I know people say this all the time but it really is the truth in terms of time. I do this thing every once in a while when I'm doing something mundane like climbing the stairs or sitting in a diner with my family or friends where I consciously remember the scene and think to myself, one day you'll look back and remember this. I remember doing this in high school all the time and let me tell you..it feels like that was just a year or two ago the scenes are so clear..white moccasins climbing the stairs up to the second floor. Life really is very brief so every day has to really count. I'm not saying I do fantastical things daily but I'm always, every single day, moving towards bettering myself in some way, or moving towards a goal. I feel at 40 that I'm running out of time..I know it may sound silly but I'm half way through and it doesn't seem like it'll be enough.It's the reason I go to bed late and wake up early on the weekends..don't want to miss anything..yes, yes, it's not good for me I know..constant sleep deprivation.

Anyhow, I'm sure I'll cry again today, peruse the registrant section of babies-r-us to see if there's a pussy face registered..but today is really the end of something for me. Why it took me so long to get here I'm not sure but I'm here.

I Piss on Canada!!

I went to see the Canadians (OA mtg) tonight and nobody showed up...again. I was pissed. I was throwing up all night and have been sick to my stomach all day and dragged my ass the whole half hour there in the dark through the frigging woods and nobody. There was 2 people on the phone line at least so we did a quick 1/2 hour meeting with all 3 of us sharing. Came home and Tess and I took a long walk though in reality it was a little scary as it really is friggin dark around this complex. Came back in to find a phone message from one of the Canadians explaining she couldn't come because she was exhausted and so on...fine fine...this meeting seems to be going to shit...I'd be surprised if it hangs on without disbanding as it just gets no play...it seems Tuesday night is not a good night for compulsive overeaters...maybe they're all home watching the biggest loser...Who TF knows?

Anyhow, went to the IVF class this morning. It was very informative and made me feel positive that there could possibly be more than the 3 tries depending on how many eggs are harvested. Harvest? Is that the right term? Anyhow I came back and googled the percentage rate of women my age (40) becoming pregnant with IVF...15% which isn't fooling anybody. That statistic sucks. I didn't realize it was that low and for IUI it is only 5%...who knew. Well, I'm gonna try and if it's not in the cards, it's not in the cards and I have to move forward with possibly adopting or doing whatever...I don't know what. I had a frank talk with God and told him I'm not sure what is going on with him and I ...what he wants me to do in this life but I pray he shows me the way. As sacrilegious as this may sound, I'm going to see a psychic tomorrow...hoping she can shed some light..it's cheating but I'm hard up right now plus I don't 100% believe..it's fun though and gives me hope that some day my prince may indeed come on a white horse and everything while sitting outside on a picnic bench..no?

Oh, I failed to mention I got my fucking period today...while taking progesterone mind you even though the doctor told me I wouldn't get it..I did...period is stronger than iron I tell you...bitch just keeps coming to rain on my parade..

Well, I've got Tess here munching away on a bullystick..she'll have to do as my child for now..she really is such a sweetheart. Love her to pieces. She sat so still today as I brushed her hair just enjoying it..so sweet that little princess..like a little angel from heaven. I swear God sent her special for me to love as she's been a joy even in times of real sadness for me..

Insult to injury... Hmph!

So I had to do this presentation today at a Public Hearing...mind you I'm not a public speaker by any stretch and it means working late and leaving poor Tess at my mom's. I have to say this is one of the best things about my mom..she will watch the dog for you while you're working late! Go Mom! Love her but... Anyhow, so I'm thinking in my head on my way to pick Tess up how I'm going to treat myself to a burger as for whatever reason I've been craving meat and I mean every day..to say this is unusual is an understatement as usually if I eat meat it's once maybe every two weeks and it's usually chicken and sometimes fish but I say, ooooh, I'm going to go to Wendys and get a burger and salad so I'm on my way and I get a splitting headache..I pick Tess up and here comes nausea. Nausea...really!? Needless to say no burger no salad..no nothing as I came home and puked my brains out and I can't help but think of morning sickness and the thought that at least with morning sickness you have the idea that the end result is a beautiful baby. Now of course I have broken capillaries on my face and in my eyes. No sour grapes. Really! But I think to myself, of all things to get.. nausea. How often do you get this aside from car sickness or flu or what have you? Not often. I'm okay now with all this..I am. Made my peace with it today. Can't wrap my head around the only 3 tries of IVF and it's either make it or break it.

Today I got what looks like progesterone's version of AF...crumbled up newspaper looking discharge of a stranger color. TMI you say...well suck it up..this is about getting pregnant after all, not about baking cookies..shit happens. Also today, my RE told me they don't accept sperm that's been frozen from anywhere but a bank due to liability issues and FDA laws so no buying the 3 vials from that chick Nancy. A shame really as it would have worked out for me and also I feel bad that she gets stuck with them as what to you do with about $1800 worth of some guys juice...gross.

Babies, Babies, everywhere, and not a drop to drink

I just got finished doing a home pregnancy test and of course..negative. It didn't hurt as much as last month but it hurts still. I finally talked to my mother again about the topic (lightly) and she responded with her usual "why don't you forget about that already?"..crazy woman. I think, if a crazy woman like her..someone with only the tiniest microscopic maternal instinct in her (and I'm giving this to her as really I don't think it's there but.., can have 4 children then why can't I, who wants one so bad and babies little Tess as if she were a human that sprouted from my loins? I don't get it. Maybe I'm not supposed to have one and my life is just supposed to be about coping with a disfunctional family and a fucked up job with fucked up coworkers and emotional tortures about food..... Really? That's it? I refuse to believe that, and if that's the case I need to change some of the above as that's just not enough. I remember a therapist suggesting that perhaps a hobby...okay a fucking hobby! Why is it that people with children look at us with no children and think that throwing us some crumb will do? A hobby, a dog (though I love Tess to pieces), babysitting for theirs (that's a good one), all those little nothings (except for the dog because I'm sorry dogs are close in my humble)..but what do I know!? Anyhow, I'm just venting. I just feel like I've been prodded and poked enough in my life...this too has to be a scientific exploration..really? And in the end what will I have? I can't help but think that it won't happen and in the end, I'll have nothing. Perhaps I'm a pessimist...though I don't normall think so..not really , more like a realist. Just feeling emotionally exhausted from this. I was talking to some chick who is using the same sperm donor as I am, a reall nice lady but it's her partner getting inseminated, and she told me they're on like try number 9...try number fucking 9...and she sounded okay with it. I guess maybe if you're with a partner it may be a little easier to get through it or if maybe your family was supportive or a combination of the two..again, what do I know? I don't. Maybe it's just as hard. Four follicles and a combined total of 20 million sperm and nothing. Am I crying, yes I am. Crying and blaming myself, my age, my weight, et cetera and yes yes, it'd probably be easier if I was thin though I know people in my boat..normal weight so who knows.

Anyhow, dropped the shrink this week which feels right and flying solo right now which also feels right. Going to IVF class Tuesday morning to sit with all the beautiful couples and not so beautiful couples and stew in my own shit.

Onwards and upwards or however that saying goes. Maybe if this doesn't happen, I just need something else in my life. I'm not sure what that could possibly be. I have 2 more years until I'm vested in the government insurance and then I can jet and still get it at retirement I believe. So changing careers is always an option though it requires more school...something that the thought of doesn't sound delicious. I also have my MSW degree I can fall back on though that doesn't call me the way it once did. I suppose we'll have to wait and see where the road leads.

Crabby, frustrated, and plain ol' feeling like shi#

I'm on progesterone which I'm not sure if I mentioned here earlier. I started Saturday and of course it has all kinds of side effects that are basically like exaggerated feelings of your period. I'm crabby as all heck and sensitive and then I fluctuate between the two emotions and just feel plain ol' crazy. I went to see the new therapist last week and again today. Perhaps I'm not in a good place to judge or what have you but this one is a dud as well...when you're cutting me off at every sentence to complete it with whatever is going on in your mind...ummm, yeah,..no!At this point I feel like giving up but I really hate the idea of not having a backup therapist in case I start to lose it. Co dependant? Perhaps but realize I don't exactly get prime adult interaction on a regular basis.. I minimally interact with my siblingss during the week except for "D" and that's not normal adult conversation. My friends all seem to be going through a crisis at the same time so it's not like they need to hear my pidley shit so a therapist is ideal for me and I've had one for most of my adult life. I also have to add that depression runs in my family big time so I also use it as a preventive so that I never sink into a funk too deep to climb out of.

Last night I hung with the Canadians..well, one Canadian and really you can consider her a civilian. She asked me, "Are you sure you want to do this, have a baby?" I told her I was pretty sure. She said that when she was my age (40) she didn't want to have a baby and now she regrets it every day of her life (she's in her early 60's). I told her that I've heard this from a lot of people. Jecca at work who I'm currently not really speaking to, is one of my big motivators for trying..I look at her and can't help but see a sad life. I realize I'm not her and our thinking is different but the end result is..living life for just yourself is not my idea of living life. For some people it may be enought to amass wealth, or have a big house..to me that's all just bull shit. Yes, I need some things but I'm definitely not a keeping up with the anybody kind of person. That's just not what my life is about. So I have to try. I'm currently in my two week wait and will test on Sunday. I don't think I am for whatever reason..I just get the feeling this is going to be as hard as possible for me. Time will tell.

catching up...

Haven't written in quite a while as I could not remember my password and for whatever reason (mostly because I'm a spazz) I couldn't figure out the "forgot your password" thing...Story of my life. Anyhow, so I went this past Tuesday for another IUI and again on Thursday. She said the timing was perfect as were my levels..I had 5 follicles, 4 of which were mature so now I cross my fingers. I was freaked out this morning as I had to start progesterone (due to a short time between iui and period last month) and reading the side effects freaked me out to the point that I tried to call the doctor and considered not taking it but alas, I took it but not happy about it.

I spent the day watching movies on tv and finally cleaned my condo as it was tore up from the floor up. Not messy but dusty and funky and I couldn't take it any more. I've considered hiring a cleaning lady to come in regularly but with the hopes of a baby coming I decided no need to get used to a luxury that would hurt to give up. I used to give this place a thorough cleaning at least once a week but I'm not sure what has happened to me; I just feel so shitty and tired, and like not moving lately so I let it go for 2, count them 2 weeks other than the kitchen which I clean and bleach every night...gross. And I'm sure most people don't think that's super long but this place is a super dust magnet and my bathroom is white except for slate floors so....The kitchen is completely all white too so I have no choice plus I get freaked out at the thought of getting critters so I keep that immaculate. The only room that didn't get a scrub down today was my guest room/computer room and my dining room that I never use only because I'm too tired and don't feel like it..will do tomorrow. I'm hoping to go out with my sister tonight for a burger which I have no business eating but I'm craving meat big time and I hardly ever eat any which pisses my doctor off as my blood work sucks. It'd be different if I was a vegan and compensated for no meat in other ways but my main source of protien is peanut butter, chees and yogurt, and an occasional egg but I'm craving meat so .. I realize I need to up this if a baby is on the way and this week my goal is to make a chicken dish for the week in my crock pot..I bought all of the ingredients except the chicken so we'll see. Oh, I'll share the recipe since it's easy:

In crock pot put:
4 boneless skinless chicken breasts
one large bag of frozen broccolli (more if you want it to have a lot)
add 2 cans of campbells healthy request condensed mushroom soup (I'm also going to add a can of healthy request cheddar cheese soup)
Use the healthy request as the regular soups are really not good for you and the healthy requests are lower in fat and sodium.
Cook this on low for 8 hourse.
Serve over brown rice (you can make your own or buy the frozen kind you steam up or go the chinese restaurant and buy or whatever..) Voila..dinner for several days if your single or for a family of 3-4 if you're not. It's total comfort food as it's a cross between a meal and a soup but not real liquidy.



Have to try and eat healthier even if I'm not actively trying to lose weight. I know the above isn't a super healthy meal but it's not terrible. I want a healthy normal weight baby. I don't want my child to struggle with food issues like me.

I went to see a new therapist on Thursday..she seemed alright...nothing special but I'll give her a try. I go again Wednesday so will see how it goes..she seems a little blah, a little disconnected but then again, she's just getting to know me. She was stuck on my degree being the same as hers..she talked about it 3 separate times during the session..funny what makes people tick..

Anyhow, that's the 411 on my life so far. Praying that this is the time for my baby..saying prayers.

Just plain ol' UGH!!!!

I am scheduled for my third, count them 3, IUI tomorrow. Not looking forward to it as I'm not feeling well. I have an illness which I have kept secret for many years and nobody, not even my best friends know, and it just occurred to me as I sit here in pain that I can finally say it somewhere...here. I have an illness that effects only 1% of the population..it's embarrassing so I have never told anyone and no, it's not sexually transmitted...I guess it's somewhat similar to psoriasis except it isn't on any exposed areas of my body. The hormones are making it worse. It's not contagious nor deadly but it's painful as all FUCK!! I say this in capitals as that's what it is and there is no cure because as my Dr. explained, it effects so few people and isn't fatal but it hurts and I've had it since I was a child..no, even as a child I never told anyone...can you imagine? But as I explained I grew up more than real quiet and I'll leave it at that. It has stopped me from doing many things in my life and I could cry at the Fates that have given me this. It is so bad, you could give me the cancer I had twice more and I'd trade it for this. About 4 Dr.'s have semi treated it (or tried to) and I of course had to tell my RE so I guess people do know but nobody outside of my medical life know. My RE said she had another patient once who had it but only knew a little bit about it..I was surprised she knew anything about it but then again..the chick went to Harvard so I'm sure she knows alot about alot. I went through the whole day at work today with this shit and finally came home to do what I can to alleviate the pain. I would normally take advil but that is out while I'm trying to get PG so... I'm sitting here trying to calm down and trying to make this shit calm down with compresses and such..pain...I could cry I tell you..hurts that much. I heard it goes away after menopause and I'm hoping that's the case...so fucked up I tell y ou..just fucked up.

Anyhow, my RE said that if this IUI doesn't take she wants me to move on to IVF. I hesitate for one reason only; I was hoping to save the IVF for when I'm 43 in case I want another one but I say to myself, Gem, don't be greedy..do what you can and you might only be able to have the one..Okay, I'd be eternally grateful for the one and only ask that it be healthy Lord. Just one sweet and healthy baby..greedy would be 2.. Two healthy babies. I could touch them it seems so real..Hope and pray for them and that I stay healthy enough to raise them. That's one of my fears..that I'll die and they won't have a parent but I've asked my older sister if that is the case would she take care of them..and she said yes. She's crazy but she's very maternal so ..

Anyway, enough happy talk..shit's killing me..praying that God alleviates some of this for me.