Me without my hat

I went to weight watchers this morning only to find that it was closed for removations. The chick from work was there too along with a slew of other people who were directed to go to another Town...two seconds from where I just came from (home)..I decide I'll go shopping. Now, I had thought I might go shopping after ww and had planned to bring my hat and put that crap on in the bathroom after the meeting. Usually, if I go out during the day, I have a prop, a disguise of sorts. Some glasses, a hat, a hood, whatever..so of course..left the friggin hat at home. I'm at a home store looking at all the knick knack patty whacks feeling all to conspicuous and lo and behold I bump into one of "D"'s old staff members...someone who knows way too many secrets about my family..someone I'd rather not see. So I do the chit chat, the kiss, the b.s. b.s that accompanies this type of meeting..and feeling like shit, abandon my cart and make a beeline to the exit. I decide I'll go to the department store across the way..get through the traffic and it's mobbed...what are the chances I won't bump into someone I know? Zero to none...trek across the parking lot past the fucking baby store..and jump on the thruway home. Weird you think right? How I don't want to be seen? There are too many demons, not skeletons, demons in my closet. Things that haunt me and hurt me. It's nothing I've done per se but shit I've been through and all here in this tiny fucking place that I wish I could leave with way too many people that I know...too many. If you spend 1 hour out with me in public you would say holy shit Gem, how many friggin people do you know? A lot. A whole fucking lot and it's the good the bad and the ugly..a mixed lot from a mixed life and I hate it. Too sensitive you think? Yes, absolutely too sensitive..guilty.

I'm home. I think of going to the 12:30 meeting near me but don't want to..torn between two lovers really as I want to get the info packet they're giving out today regarding their new program. Going to go out with my other sister later (I think)..the other sister who I never hang with and of course with "D" as my mother is away and my other sib is half way around the world for work.

I saw the new therapist again this past Wednesday. I want to abandon ship but I'm not letting myself. Gonna try and stick it out...try not to be too sensitive...not sure this chick is equipped to deal with me. I've always believed that in order to develop a good therapeutic relationship the therapist has to be stronger than the client or at least the client has to have this impression. I can be an animal so this makes the search that much harder...I can be an animal but I'm hypersensitive so the combination is one that really kills me..we'll see what happens.

A fix for crazy in brief

I'm a big fan of the show, the Mentalist. If you've never watched it I'd say take a look when you get a chance. For a large part of my early life, I lived my life observing everything that went on around me. I was quiet to the extreme as I'm sure I mentioned at some point in this long story. I mention this because the main character figures shit out by just being super observant noticing shit you might not have paid any mind to...so interesting.. Anyhow, I digress...in one of the first shows the main character makes a comment that has stuck with me and I think about all too often, " a therapist is a disease posing as a cure"...I went to see the new therapist. She's bright which is good...she is a teensy bit judgmental and I don't think she's too keen on us having the same degree from the same University and knowing almost all of the same people. Every time I mentioned someone she would fill in their last name...hmmm...given it a chance. Gonna try and do the 10 first sessions allotted by my insurance and see what happens. I left there feeling worse than when I went in so that being said, at the first hint that I am regressing..it's all balls to the wall and I'm outta there but I have to give it a chance. It can't be that every therapist sucks..sometimes it's gotta be that I'm just super sensitive. The shit is, if you're therapist has issues..you're fucked. The number one thing I remember from grad school was a professor mentioning that all of us were studying to do therapy not because we wanted to help people but because of our own issues that needed to be resolved. I totally agree though I'm sure most therapist might not..but the truth is, most of the therapists I've met are fucked in the head. It's like the fact that the majority of drug counselors have a history...coincidence? don't thin so..crazy fixers have their own experiences as well. So I tread carefully.

BTW, the friggin antenna up my crotch..bitch and a half...just thought I'd mention it.

The Doc

I love my doctor..my RE that is..have I mentioned this? She's beautiful inside and out and just the nicest person you can ever imagine..seems unreal sometimes. I'm at times a very nosey person..I say at times as there are others where you'd think I would want to know something and I really couldn't care less. So yesterday when I'm sitting with Kay for countless hours she asks me about my doctor..how old is she..does she have kids..where does she live? How the frick should I know. I never thought about it..never thought about her and you know what, sometimes you're better off not knowing. I think if it wasn't for the nature of my job, where you receive more information about people than you would ever want to know..their deepest, darkest and dirtiest, I'd probably be more inquisitive in general but well, it kind of changes stuff for me but when Kay asked, I quickly got to work digging...wish I hadn't. Ended up seeing a pic of her in an intimate pic with her family of her after giving birth. She has 2 children btw, both boys, and a handsome husband who is from the same country as her though his job is not nearly as prestigious as hers...she's early 30's and he's late 30's...I know exact ages but really what I found was too much information. Sometimes, you're better off not knowing that some people are indeed ..just human...lost some of that ethereal quality she had about her though she still is a sweety! You ever meet someone that you wish you could be even a little like? I think..how do you grow up to be a person like this..so nice, caring, loving and beautiful to boot? Don't know..something to strive towards emulating I suppose..(good luck with that one Gem)!

She called me today regarding the plans. She said continue with meds..blah blah and she was thinking..this is what she says..she was thinking I could probably remove these tubes myself..oh lawd!..will be removing them Monday night..myself! sheesh! I figure if I can inject myself in the rear..this should be a cinch..at least I can reach and use a mirror (her suggestion, the mirror).

Went to a meeting for "D" this morning as they are signing "D" up for a work program. They explained "D" felt 12 hours a week would be fine..I said, you know "D" has no concept of what 12 hours is right?..."really?"...yes, really...how bout we start with 8 hours as last time "D" tried working it was 2 hours a week and poor "D" was terminated..poor kid..terminated and devestated. Went to Walmart afterwards..a big trip as it's not that nearby..love that store! can't get over how cheap everything is there...you can buy Jeans for $20..sometimes even cheaper!! Bought a whole bunch of men's long sleeved t's for the weekends...comfy and I don't give a shit what they look like really as I feel gross about my body right now so don't want to spend tons on clothes. Went home and took a walk with Tess but really I think I try to do too much..I have to try and rest more.

Next embryo transplant..I have to take it easy..Doc implied it might not happen until February..that's fine too. Can't stress. I didn't mention that one of my facebook friends..my age...just announced yesterday that she's expecting again..her *cough..6th! She was looking for hand-me-downs...interesting..as I would have never thought to post a request..sometimes I think I'm a bit of a snob that way..expecting everything to be new for a new baby... Got a text today from an ex-coworker (who I don't particularly care for) saying one of her children (2 are currently pregnant..AGAIN!!) is expecting a girl! It's a girl! I really want to write back..who gives a shit you bragging moron??!!! but I can't so instead I just don't reply...can't anymore. Kay says, just think how great it'll be when you can announce yours..I suppose...you know you're a grump when Kay is seeing the glass as half full as opposed to you..Gonna try to stay positive. I do feel hopeful. Felt hopeful after hanging up with the doctor. She told me they had to remove more of the fibroid than they thought..it isn't a separate fibroid like Kay said, it's actually the one on the outside that's growing into the inside...lovely..whatever. I hope that if I do get pregnant I can ask the ob/gyn to do a c-section and remove the fibroid at the same time. My thinking is my chances of a c-section are high because of my weight...might as well kill two birds with one stone as the fibroid is too large for laproscopic surgery..it's actually larger than my uterus..scary so I want it out..don't need anything in me that might in any way be cancer. Waiting for pathology on the D&C which scares me...the word pathology itself scares me now..don't find anything please! So that's that..Monday tubes come out which I can't wait as it's beyond even describable of what it's like though not the worse thing I've ever had..thank God..just want to be able to feel like I don't have to walk gingerly with something hanging between my legs.

Oh, my sister called me today...surprising..but it was good to connect. Have to accept was is given rather than be disappointed that the connection didn't have what I was looking for. It is what it is and I have to be grateful as I need my family..disfunctional as it may be..

Say What?!

So I go in for my "uterine study" today which also included a D&C...glad I didn't know about that til the last minute as I would have freaked. So I'm in there for a good 2 hours come out in recovery in mega pain...morphine...pain...more morphine...pain...more morphine.. Laying in recovery with my friend Kay who deserves to win the lotto as she has been just too good to me, really, her name should appear where it says father of the child, and so I"m trying to just feel better so I can go and I'm moving around and feel I need to go pee. Kay gets the nurse who takes me to the bathroom and tells me to ring the buzzer if there's a problem or when I'm done. So I go to sit down and feel something...hmmmm...reach down and there's definitely something down there that's not a baby..WTF???..in my morphine haze I'm trying to calm myself down and make sure I'm not hallucinating..WTF??!!..WTF? I look..I've got some cables coming out of my vagina..like the ones you plug behind the computer sort of...hmm..wtf?..I look again and think..'are you hallucinating Gem?'...'uh, no, there's cables there'...call the nurse...she says..."what? Are you sure?"..yes I'm sure.."what is it". I tell her well it's not a penis!.."can I see"..umm....another nurse comes..Kay comes..THANK GOD FOR KAY!! who says, the Dr. mentioned a catheter...Oh says one nurse, I heard of another Dr. doing this...whew! thought my Dr. had forgotten to finish up. Just pee with it on and pat dry they tell me..Okay. I have to have this shit in me for 20 days..on closer inspection the tubes go from inside and are taped to the side of my leg..interesting..how do you bathe with this? No idea. This baby better behave when it's born...and it better sleep and grow up to be a Dr. or an engineer or something good..better not give me a lick of trouble I tell you as I've already been throug hell it seems..but in the end it'll be worth it. They found a fibroid that they hadn't realized was there..good. Almost made it home but upon entering my complex had to yell at Kay to stop the car, flung the door open and still wearing my seatbelt puked my brains out, and puked, and puked, and puked..didn't think I'd ever get inside. Finally was able to eat something around 9..that was my day. My doctor also informed me my iron is extremely deficient and my thyroid levels are extremely low...both too low for a baby...gotta go hustle to my other doctors and get this fixed.. but at least I know and thank God for kick ass insurance! Exhausted but got through it. God is good.

Not my Funday..

I don't know what it is about Sundays...for me they're never good..then again I think I'm starting to become a pessimist or maybe it's all the hormones. It seems like I'm super-sensitive lately...just spinning myself into a small bout of the blues. Today I dyed my hair and hung out with Tess. Texted my sister to see if she wanted me to pick something up on the way to my mother's. She tells me they're leaving as my other sibling was called into work. That's the shit with those two..when they're together nobody gives a shit about me but if one of them doesn't come down my phone doesn't stop..it really hurts my feelings. I went out with them yesterday and of course nobody asked about how my trying is going. I'd like to say I don't care but that's not true in any way shape or form. Just wish they gave a shit..really gave a shit..not just when they need me or when the other isn't around. I went to my mother's anyway and I shouldn't have. She was as usual, trying to get me to do what she wants me to do and having a fit when I wouldn't bend, though she tried all her tricks a total of 3, count them, 3, times...lady is a trip. Needless to say I stayed for less than an hour..feeling shitty about myself...feeling shitty about "D"...just feeling shitty. So Tess and I are back home and she's here next to me sleeping while I stew in my guilt and feel sorry for myself.. I did have a nice talk with Diana last night and even though it was only a half hour it always makes me feel like I'm not alone in the world and that someone else speaks the same language as me...I didn't even talk as it was mostly her shit with her husband but all the same, it made me feel less alone. I don't know..don't know where I'm going or what I'm doing. I get my procedure done Tuesday..hope it doesn't hurt too much and start the new shrinky dink Thursday and hope she's not a total waste..I'm looking for someone who is sharp but not too bossy and not hell bent on her opinion being the only way. I'm not (for the most part) crazy...just somewhat tormented by too much shit. We'll see.

Really Universe? At WW?

So I wake up at the crack of ass this morning to get ready to go in for prelinaries at the hospital. Drop Tess off at my mother's house, and drive an hour through New Jersey following my GPS system. Get there...wait...wait...get a nice nurse who weighs exactly the same as me she tells me and also tells me...you're not morbidly obese according to the guidelines...well isn't that nice..and in a way it was..to know there are people with bigger weight issues out there. The experience as a whole was more pleasant than anything else and I get out of there on time to make it to my 10:30 Weight watcher's meeting..lost a pound..woo hoo...did I mention I gained 4 last week..shit. Anyhow, as I enter, the meeting leader who I think secretly hates me..(I really do)..mentions as she's flashing through her phone..you want to see a picture of my new baby..she's not talking to me so I keep walking and flashign through my head is...new puppy..new car..could be anything but alas..at the end of the meeting yes, you guessed it..fucking meeting leader is pregnant with her second child...well God bless.. I mean really! Really God?! Well isn't that fucking so typical? I came home, put a pot of coffee on and vaccuumed my rug because what else is there to do? I left Tess at my mom's..I figured why should she stew in my misery when she's got her 2 dog cousins at my mom's to play with and my sister's who love her..Am I whining and sounding like a baby..maybe..but really I'm sick of this shit...really sick of it.. It's always someone else getting married, having the fucking baby, buying the beautiful fucking house, winning the fucking lotto, and Lord knows I've been blessed with a good job good education good brain but I'm fucking alone!! afuckinglone and I don't really get that...why go through all of this shit if it's just to end up alone? It's so hard to stay positive sometimes. I know I have to keep the faith but sometimes I think this is a cruel joke the universe is playing because okay, you don't want to give it to me or it's not in the cards for me but can you please not have it all around me...surrounding me..drowning me in this shit? Really? Is there no safe place? Can't take much more of this really. It's fucking killing me.

Thanksgiving

I woke up today around 6:30 a.m. feeling grateful and thankful for all that I have; A family, friends, a good job, my Tess...and too many blessings to really count. This week one of my coworkers let me in to the fact that she had nowhere to go for Thanksgivng..this is a real crazy lady and she really doesn't work for us per se but near us and so she comes in daily to water my plants, get a little free therapy as she is going through something, help me with my mail, and just shoot the shit. People stay away from her but all in all she's not terrible though I've had my share of bad experiences with her. So she's got nowhere to go and reluctantly I invited her to visit the disfunction junction though she declined and it made me think how lucky I was to have a family to spend the holiday with. Onward moved the day, I finished making what I was bringing with and for whatever reason I terrible sense of sadness has come in to swoop over me. Thinking about Pussyface and Asshole...not having my own family..my own baby..a partner of any kind...just made me sad. So here I am putting this down here before I had out to face la familia and try not to destroy a holiday with my craziness. I don't know what it'll take to make me feel some sort of serenity in my life...not happiness per se but just serenity..always feeling like I am not enough in some way or harping on the past. Have to move forward in a more positive light. I have faith that this is possible but I have to make some changes in my life beginning with myself to see this happen...beginning with feeling more grateful...more glass half full.

Canada

I went to see the Canadians today. Only Robby was there which was fine and we also had a couple of people on the phone bridge. When the meeting ended Robby asked me about the baby making thing, the food thing, and in general how am I holding up. I told her the whole baby making fiasco story and also how my eating is out of control and I can't seem to get a grip...the worst it's been in a long time. She made me promise to go to another meeting this week and I'm going to try and really do it not just say it or make an excuse. We had a nice long talk and basically she told me I needed more meetings and to just get 3 days in and I would start from there. On the baby making topic, she told me to not give up, to try and lose some weight to make it easier to carry and shared how she never tried and now at 60-something has major regrets...even tried to adopt when she was in her 50's but realized she was just too old...said it was the biggest regret of her life. I left there feeling hopeful..more hopeful than I had in a long time. I set up a meeting with a new therapist yesterday for next week..don't believe I mentioned it. We'll see how it goes. I'm going to really try with this chick unless she's a complete psycho freak...have to get my mental affairs in order.

It was a difficult day...the boss was emailing me like she'd just discovered the shit, clients were lining up like we were giving away toasters and we just didn't have the man power, my mother's shrink called to advocate for my mother (and that's a story for another day...didn't go too well for the shrink and we'll leave it at that), and I ended the work day at my endocrinologist office which was fine but for whatever reason I always leave there feeling like fuck so tried to rush home...took me almost an hour and wanted to cry with the frustration of the day and cancel on the Canadians but God is good and I'm thankful I didn't as it turned into a nice night.

Don't drink and cry

This was an extremely long weekend...not long in the good way..exhausting long. Last night Lexi, the young girl from work who's 23 year old came over. It was supposed to be "girls night in"..her idea and Kay was supposed to come over. I feel bad for Lex as she works with all old people so we're it in terms of fun..me who's 40 and Kay who is pushing 59 with both hands..Kay couldn't make it. Her son was in the war and right now, he's not doing well so she didn't feel like she could leave him so it ended up just me and Lexi. She brought over, I gag as I think back to it..fruit punch and coconut rum..mix those together and what do you get?...some bad ass puking if you drink too much of that..I limited myself to a tiny bit. It was a nice night but she was here until 1 a.m. and I was tired though I'm usually up that late but not with company. Today we had "brunch" for my father's birthday at some ritzy place my sister's wanted to go to..I put brunch in quotes as they called it brunch but it was 1p.m so....we'd been there before and really..it's good but out of the way and still pricey for "brunch" anyway. Drank too many mimosas, and now after a weekend of too much shitty booze I want to play the crying game. Am trying not to and trying to keep in mind it's the booze crying not me though in reality I think it's a little of both. Another day spent with my sister's where nobody asks how things are going with the baby making...cool right? Fuckers. I promised myself, I am not bringing it up just to be shot down again, and I'm sticking to my word...not that anybody gives a shit but... It wouldn't be so bad if it didn't make me feel so alone. If I was with someone I imagine that it wouldn't be so bad if they didn't ask me as I'd be in this with someone..but to do it alone and not have the support of your family...not a good feeling. We're not having company for Thanksgiving..which is really unheard of in my house so no distractions from each other....suuuuckkks!!

This week I'm working a three day week..which is excellent but I start tomorrow with a management meeting which is not so excellent..worst shit I do at work but hoping it just goes by fast and I can just sit there and do what I have to do and get out...just want the week to go by. Haven't heard anything from my Dr. about going into the hospital for the uterus study..want that done and have to call the cryobank to see when the old guy I was using has more juice available... I just want to get on with this already but by the same token I feel so unravelled at times that I just want to stop and take a break from it all..not sure. I'm going to try to call that therapist that I found, this week. The shit is that when I'm working, as stressful as it is..I feel better and then think well I'm alright I don't need a therapist right now..then I get to the weekends and my real life and I"m hanging on to sanity for dear life..ain't that the way of things. Anyhow..we'll see what this brings..hoping this weekend isn't horrible..trying not to stress out.

I'm Up!

I got a call from my RE today. I was supposed to have called this week and had every intention of calling yesterday when I left work early but really couldn't bring myself to do it, emotionally. She calls me today and says she's reviewed my chart and wants to do a study of my uterus..she explains my insurance pays for it and she sees on the films she has there is a tiny flap which she wants to look at more closely and shave down if she can..she doesn't think it's a big deal but wants to cover all angles. She calls in a script to my pharmacy for birth control to stop the thickening of my uterine lining which I have to start immediately she says...I have to go to a hospital not her clinic for a procedure though she'll be the one doing it..it's either Tuesday next week (doubtful) or the Tuesday the following week. I nod, say yes, agree, hang up and want to break into tears. This means I again have to go for xrays, ekg, and all that crap I just finished last month. Have to take time off from work, find someone to drive me, and just get my shit together when emotionally I'm just tired but I gotta do what I gotta do. If the hospital was local it wouldn't be so bad but of course it's in the next state and about an hour away..making it more difficult. I had someone at work today tell me that I'm lucky I don't have children as they really do tire you out..said like a person who had no problems having kids, got married at the right age, and life is just ho-hos and bon bons.. To these people I would like to say, "fuck you idiot!"...but you can't. Anyhow, this round I'm going to take time off and do things the right way. The girl who'd made the comment that she felt I should have taken it easy last time and I did too much, talked to me today and apologized for saying it. I told her next time tell me as I'm doing it as this is my base M.O. it's how I've always done things full steam ahead and it really is my base line..I'm constantly running, constantly stressed, constantly rushing and pushing myself until I can't anymore and I don't realize I do it until I'm falling on my face. I explained that until she said it I didn't even realize I was doing it and I was so glad she said it as it didn't even occur to me..the only thought in my head was that after the insemination I had gone out to lunch with a friend..thinking maybe I shouldn't have been sitting up..never realized I'd been running around..!!!!!I'm such a moron sometimes.... I'll be getting more Personal time in January which is good as it's time where they can't ask you what you're doing or deny you...unlike sick whereas if you use 3 days in a row you need a doctor's note with an explanation..I'm going to use my time and make sure I'm relaxed even if it cuts into my maternity leave time..I'll have to save more money and just pay my own way if I don't have the time..shit happens...and I have to stop being so greedy..just have to cut my expenses and pinch pennies and watch my Christmas shopping.

Getting back to the conversation with the Doc, she said that she wants me to keep trying as she thinks my chances are good. I'm scared that she's wrong but know I'll use every last cent to try and when that's gone...I don't know. Just hoping this next one takes..please God. I have to get away from the stress at work and it's so intense. I walk out of there on a regular basis with a pit in my stomach and it's really from the bitches not from the actual work...today it even included one of the guys..soo fucking arrogant. He was pissed that I told him I didn't want him speaking to the opposing's attorney without our attorney or the client..at all! no sharing of information..he thought it was because I didn't feel comfortable speaking to attorneys but he explained to me this is something he was quite comfortable with and had experience doing..I had to explain that it had to do with confidentiality...fucking idiot big dick penis head!! and told him that any fool could speak to an attorney..idiot. I spoke to the boss today about the shit going on with my staff and just briefly let her know that there is trouble with horse-face who is very pissed at me right now and that she might hear some shit come down the pike..she said she appreciates being warned but the truth is you know if the shit hits the fan she'll take pleasure in frying my ass...oh well...can't keep thinking about that place and the drama there. Have to think about me-Gem! and my hopes and dreams and how if I don't relax..it's not going to happen..I wish I knew how to relax...if you asked me the most relaxing thing for me I'd tell you a cigarette with a glass of wine but for whatever reason..I don't think that's the answer in this situation (joke).