Relief

Did you ever get to one of those points in your life where you just can't find a way to make yourself feel normal again; like you're crawling out of your skin and you don't know what to do to temper that feeling? I'm in between wanting to smoke, wanting to drink, wanting to drug myself just a little, and wanting to just slip into some sort of peaceful coma...just for a little while..just to rest my brain and my heart for a little bit. None of those things would help me...maybe combining a few of them but that could also kill me and I don't want to die but I do want to rest; just to be able to get rid of this ache in my chest from too much of everything in life. It's really just too much sometimes..too much for one person really. I wonder if it's different if you're going through life with someone else...a partner sharing your grief..I don't know. I imagine it has to be in some ways.

I had a phone call today from my Godmother's neighbor Javier. He and his wife babysat for my Tess one day as they have a tiny dog too. They are also having fertility problems. His wife can get pregnant but she miscarries. She actually got to 6 months along one time and miscarried in her bathroom, the babies little feet dangling from between her legs. Torturous. We have from time to time touched base though the wife is super shy, super sweet but super shy. He's older and I'm guessing has a drinking problem...he has a drinking problem. Anyhow he called me out of the blue to ask me how the fertility shit is going so we talked for a bit. It was good to talk to someone about it who wasn't directly going through it but knew the struggle. I at times wish I could really just freely talk to someone about what it is I feel...not just the process but the actual emotions going through my soul and body. It's not good. It's really not good. My edges seem to be fraying this time around. The clinic told me to call the doctor's assistant to set up a phone consult but I haven't done it yet. I'm building up the...what?..courage? I'm not sure what I'm building up but maybe it's just getting my bearings. Just putting this all together..my brain together.

I'm having trouble at work...getting the work done. My job requires thinking. Lots of fucking thinking. Thinking, planning, strategizing. None of these things are really my forte...I'm more of a talking kind of person...more social service type shit. Anyhow, I'm struggling. Struggling not to just say to people, leave me the fuck alone! My brain is shit! But of course I can't say that. I have to go through the shit..the meetings, the bullshit, the staff crap, and of course my asshole director who is the type of person who asks you a question but already has the answer she wants...you know...the type of person who thinks her brain cells are the best...good..fuck it..fuck you lady...don't ask me and make me think just to tell me that's not the answer..answer your own fucking question...just tell me where I'm going and what to say.

I'm drowning really. My father is really to shit. Really to shit. I saw him last night and I could have cried with how fucked up he is. Just a shell of what he once was.

On top of that I finally looked at all my credit card statements, savings and all that shit and it's not good. I have about 10K in credit cards, and not as much as I thought in savings. I get my tax money back and I'm hoping that's at least 4k and that's it. It's exasperating to think about paying the $20+K for the donor egg thing though at least with this idea, the donor egg idea, I've made peace. I've done all I can, all within my power to do my own eggs...it's just not happening. So for now I'm on a strict no spend budget and we'll see what happens. I figure I'm going to borrow the $10k from my pension plan (which they make you pay back in 5 years), 5K from savings, and I'll either borrow the rest from my other retirement account (I set this up separately) or put it on my credit card. That's that. I'll be fucked for 5 years as that's how long I have to go to pay back my master's degree as well and then it'll be a little relief.

I hadn't written because in truth I didn't want to speak. I think I stayed silent for two solid days...what's to say really except that it felt like it feels for everybody else; like my heart was literally breaking apart in two; a feeling I expected and was preparing myself for. It hurt any ol' way. How do you prepare yourself for agony? I don't know. I did my best and lived to tell the tale so I guess that's success. J from the 3 girls I met at the clinic was super cool about it and supportive, R tried to be but she's younger. She had her transfer yesterday. I believe I mentioned she produced 2 good blasts that she planned on transferrring individually as she wanted to avoid twins. One of them unfortunately didn't survive the thaw and they had to ask her if it was okay to defrost the other...so it's inside and she's waiting to see what happens. I hope it takes for her sake. The pain is too much really...too much for even the biggest asshole in the world to deserve and she really is a nice girl.

Anyhow, that's it for me. Had to put this all out there so it didn't swallow me whole...so I could breathe just a little. Thank you.