No news is No news

I haven't written because really nothing has been happening on the baby making front, the dieting front, or any other front taking up space in my brain and body. Tonight I finally finished the medication prescribed to me after having had my uterine study last month and I have my period..or what appears to be my period. Went for blood work this morning for my thyroid levels and iron levels which are both all fucked up as usual..at least the iron thing is as usual. My uncle is here from wherever he's from which is great as it seems that we never see family from wherever they're from as much as we'd like. His wife is due to fly in next week. He's fixing crap up in my condo which is awesome. Upon his arrival, my other uncle, who really isn't my uncle, came over with his wife. The wife told me my mother told her I was trying, told her she's not happy about it, and of course nobody could understand why she isn't...duh..anyhow my uncles wife told me she's praying that it happens for me and she'd be happy to help me when the time comes with babysitting and such..cool huh? I thought it was very nice of her. Anyhow, not gonna bore you with the rest of the b.s. but wanted to touch base to say I'm still out here fighting the fight, or at least preparing to fight it, rolling with the punches, and trying to make life happen for myself. We'll see how it turns out.

Faeries, Thieves, and Showers

I was invited by my fairy godmother to the babyshower of her grandson who is all of 21 and his girlfriend who is about that age as well, is pregnant with her 3rd, count them, 3rd child (by different guys mind you). Anyhow, I was scared to go for a million different reason but I mustered up my courage Friday night and took "D" with me shopping which ended up being just okay and not as heartbreaking as I thought.. Really, I just chose several of the on sale outfits and shoved them in a gift bag...fine. Saturday I dropped Tess off at my mom's to stay with my sibs two dogs and off I went. I was greeted by my godmother's husband Jules who is a show-off but like my Godmom..honest to a fault. I come into the house and he promptly tells me that I better lock my purse in my car as his Grandson is going to be at the party and it won't be safe inside. Right off the bat I know I'll be fine..I mingle, I help clean, I help serve, I get buzzed, it's all good. Her presents were simple gifts really and even though I was unusually conservative with my gift, it was one of the more generous bags. The highlight of my evening was when my Godmother announced in her high pitched voice how I'm trying but due to the fact that I'm single will be getting inseminated! I wanted to ring her neck..I jabbed her in her 80 year old ribs instead and told her to hush it. And that my friends was another lovely weekend!

Emotional Ass Whoopings

Tomorrow I see the doctor. It's been a while since I've been to the clinic and I'm trying to prepare myself for another bout of emotional ass whoopings. I used to walk in there smiling and walk out of there euphoric but alas, reality has reared it's ugly head one too many times to give me negative news related to that joint... so I go in tomorrow with a heavy heart and a fear that I won't recognize anyone; that everyone would have gotten their little piece of heaven and I'm still at the starting gate waiting, just waiting and hoping that there's a little piece left for me. We all sit there together and you get to know your group...there's the orthodox couple where the woman is a teeny tiny young beautiful thing and the guy is gross and mistreats her...the other couple with the beautiful tiny wife and big ugly dude who treats her like a princess...the yuppy couple who speak in nods and eye movements not daring to move their lips..and the list goes on..we all notice each other, raise our brows to each other but never speak to each other...weird really. I imagine that I'm the "woman who is never there with her partner"..if they labeled the way I labeled, I imagine that's who I'd be..the "no partner is ever with her" woman. I'm cool with that in theory, but at times it is, I'll admit, an emotional bummer. So I go in tomorrow to see my beautiful, inside and out, doctor who I imagine has the perfect life with her beautiful husband and two boys..(yes, I think I mentioned I looked her up and found out, regrettably in retrospect, too much information about her...uh, I'm a total nosey stalker)..I don't resent her blessings as she's that nice..too nice to even be jealous about..like a lovely angel really. This is how I see her..ethereal..and I'm not alone..Kay says the same thing, that there's something ethereal and almost glowing like about her..weird, huh? That's my doctor. I'll see her and she'll pump me up with hope and then soothe me with her gentle words when my world comes crashing down. Hoping that tomorrow doesn't bring any bad news..she said she was waiting for the pathology report and historyically, this hasn't been a good thing for me, these pathology reports....Don't even want to go there but the brain goes where it goes. I imagine if it was horrible news I'd of gotten a phone call so..that's good. Going to try and go in with some semblance of a positive outlook..it'll work this next time I'm sure..God willing..please God..

Oh, ..my fairy Godmother called to invite me to....drum roll please...a fucking baby shower! Yes, yes, no fucking applause at my luck but it's all good. It's her fucked up grandson's girlfriend who is having a baby and I don't think there's one person happy about it. I'm totally fine with it really...it just hurts the teeniest tiniest little bit..totally tolerable pain. I even get to go baby shopping for a nice gift..now that, yes that'll hurt.

She couldn't have been raised by this woman

I went to my mother's house today with a sense of relief as I knew she was gone for the day. Off to Atlantic city to play the slots which she does on occasion. So the younger sibling was home as they had agreed to spend the day caring for "D". It went surprisingly well...we went shopping and had a pretty decent conversation about where we were going in our lives. As soon as my mother arrived my hackles went up...she was home earlier than I'd thought and I immediately began to scramble getting my belongings together...she named a million things she'd left to be done, rattling off the list asking if they'd been done, and I called up to my younger sib to be on the watch as she was on a roll. I'd almost made it out when I said the unthinkable..."mom, keep in mind that this is {sibling's} weekend too and don't ask for too much tomorrow". Yeah,.. wrong thing to say. Went off on a tirade of what do I ever do for her...what does sibling do for her..she insisted I tell her so I did...pissed her the fuck off. Gave her the laundry list: go to the supermarket, go to the pharmacy, write out her checks, take her to church, pick her up, do her hair, call her doctors, read this letter, et cetera et fucking cetera... She stone walled me. As I try to explain that my goal isn't to upset her but just have her try to keep in mind that we get tired too. She tells me we have no consideration for her and what is my problem with her. We have no consideration of you? I ask..are you out of your mind?! She stopped talking to me...completely stone walled me. That's usually my father's move to stop speaking. I told her that I always seem to upset her but the truth is I'm the only one who'll say something to her. I tried to say it all calmly and conversation like. I told her maybe it's better that I don't visit any more...Nothing. She won't answer. I left. I feel bad and think it is me. It must be me as even she, who has whatever it is she has, dementia?, has noticed that it's me...point blank said.."I don't know what your problem is with me". It must be me. I think to myself that it's probably better that I don't go back there...too much stress and I wonder where did this anger come from. I feel a definite anger towards her and it comes out.. I won't lie about that. I call her on all her shit and won't let one slip by though each day that I drive to her house I pray on my way there that I don't upset anyone and that I don't get upset. I wonder sometimes who this lady is...why she isn't the mother that I want..not why she can't be..why I can't accept her...I'm not sure...I don't know what it is about me that expects her to be more than she is..maybe more than she can be or could've been..where did this come from. I am an angry bitter person I think to myself. I am an angry hostile person. I think of my doctor...Dr. B who is all things good and sweet...beautiful inside and out and I wonder how her mom was towards her. What surrounded her to make her so sweet or was it just how she was meant to be. I think of that show...19 kids and counting and how the mother on the show explained that she consciously makes an effort to speak to them sweetly as that's what type of mother she wants to be and what she wants her kids to experience and her husband explains that if they don't speak to them with respect there'll be no trust and respect reflected back and I think..Is this my problem, what went wrong with me? Why can't I be a sweet warm person, what made me this hard angry hypersensitive person? And what did I want from them..what exactly did they do that made me so angry at them? Just annoy me really...maybe I am magnifying her deficits more than the average person..maybe... I'm not even sure of anything any more. All I know is that when I leave there, I feel like a bad person. When I'm there I just want to eat and eat and eat..I want to yell and yell and yell and argue argue argue and I always leave upset..can't recall a time that I left there feeling adequate or sane..always a bad feeling. I have nowhere to run..no sanctuary outside of my home where I can go to tell someone. The new therapist doesn't seem like a resource, at least not yet..probably not ever though I don't want to be such a pessimist..Not sure. What I do know is that something needs to give..something needs to change..I need to change my reaction to her. She had me list anything I do for her...I'm listing laundry fucking detergent puchases for crying outloud. Fuck. Fuck, I tell you. Fuck. Grocery shopping trips. Listing shit I do for "D". Since when do I have to qualify what I do for her. I asked her, what do you do for me? Can you list something? Just one thing? Fuck. How petty. How motherfucking petty.

You know, mother's are so important. It's our refuge I think and when you don't have one you're lost. My mother never had one and in turn she could never be our refuge..MY refuge as I have to learn to keep it in the "I" and not speak for my siblings. I've felt lost for as long as I can remember though we all try and go back to the house to find our peace...the missing piece..I wonder what type of mother I would be if given the opportunity. Would I be supportive, argumentative, angry? Would I love enough? Would it be enough to satisfy a child..with my broken self? I think yes at times as I think I love Tess too much..smother her, overdress her for the weather, baby her. Is this good mothering? Does anyone really know what it is? Not sure.

Me without my hat

I went to weight watchers this morning only to find that it was closed for removations. The chick from work was there too along with a slew of other people who were directed to go to another Town...two seconds from where I just came from (home)..I decide I'll go shopping. Now, I had thought I might go shopping after ww and had planned to bring my hat and put that crap on in the bathroom after the meeting. Usually, if I go out during the day, I have a prop, a disguise of sorts. Some glasses, a hat, a hood, whatever..so of course..left the friggin hat at home. I'm at a home store looking at all the knick knack patty whacks feeling all to conspicuous and lo and behold I bump into one of "D"'s old staff members...someone who knows way too many secrets about my family..someone I'd rather not see. So I do the chit chat, the kiss, the b.s. b.s that accompanies this type of meeting..and feeling like shit, abandon my cart and make a beeline to the exit. I decide I'll go to the department store across the way..get through the traffic and it's mobbed...what are the chances I won't bump into someone I know? Zero to none...trek across the parking lot past the fucking baby store..and jump on the thruway home. Weird you think right? How I don't want to be seen? There are too many demons, not skeletons, demons in my closet. Things that haunt me and hurt me. It's nothing I've done per se but shit I've been through and all here in this tiny fucking place that I wish I could leave with way too many people that I know...too many. If you spend 1 hour out with me in public you would say holy shit Gem, how many friggin people do you know? A lot. A whole fucking lot and it's the good the bad and the ugly..a mixed lot from a mixed life and I hate it. Too sensitive you think? Yes, absolutely too sensitive..guilty.

I'm home. I think of going to the 12:30 meeting near me but don't want to..torn between two lovers really as I want to get the info packet they're giving out today regarding their new program. Going to go out with my other sister later (I think)..the other sister who I never hang with and of course with "D" as my mother is away and my other sib is half way around the world for work.

I saw the new therapist again this past Wednesday. I want to abandon ship but I'm not letting myself. Gonna try and stick it out...try not to be too sensitive...not sure this chick is equipped to deal with me. I've always believed that in order to develop a good therapeutic relationship the therapist has to be stronger than the client or at least the client has to have this impression. I can be an animal so this makes the search that much harder...I can be an animal but I'm hypersensitive so the combination is one that really kills me..we'll see what happens.

A fix for crazy in brief

I'm a big fan of the show, the Mentalist. If you've never watched it I'd say take a look when you get a chance. For a large part of my early life, I lived my life observing everything that went on around me. I was quiet to the extreme as I'm sure I mentioned at some point in this long story. I mention this because the main character figures shit out by just being super observant noticing shit you might not have paid any mind to...so interesting.. Anyhow, I digress...in one of the first shows the main character makes a comment that has stuck with me and I think about all too often, " a therapist is a disease posing as a cure"...I went to see the new therapist. She's bright which is good...she is a teensy bit judgmental and I don't think she's too keen on us having the same degree from the same University and knowing almost all of the same people. Every time I mentioned someone she would fill in their last name...hmmm...given it a chance. Gonna try and do the 10 first sessions allotted by my insurance and see what happens. I left there feeling worse than when I went in so that being said, at the first hint that I am regressing..it's all balls to the wall and I'm outta there but I have to give it a chance. It can't be that every therapist sucks..sometimes it's gotta be that I'm just super sensitive. The shit is, if you're therapist has issues..you're fucked. The number one thing I remember from grad school was a professor mentioning that all of us were studying to do therapy not because we wanted to help people but because of our own issues that needed to be resolved. I totally agree though I'm sure most therapist might not..but the truth is, most of the therapists I've met are fucked in the head. It's like the fact that the majority of drug counselors have a history...coincidence? don't thin so..crazy fixers have their own experiences as well. So I tread carefully.

BTW, the friggin antenna up my crotch..bitch and a half...just thought I'd mention it.

The Doc

I love my doctor..my RE that is..have I mentioned this? She's beautiful inside and out and just the nicest person you can ever imagine..seems unreal sometimes. I'm at times a very nosey person..I say at times as there are others where you'd think I would want to know something and I really couldn't care less. So yesterday when I'm sitting with Kay for countless hours she asks me about my doctor..how old is she..does she have kids..where does she live? How the frick should I know. I never thought about it..never thought about her and you know what, sometimes you're better off not knowing. I think if it wasn't for the nature of my job, where you receive more information about people than you would ever want to know..their deepest, darkest and dirtiest, I'd probably be more inquisitive in general but well, it kind of changes stuff for me but when Kay asked, I quickly got to work digging...wish I hadn't. Ended up seeing a pic of her in an intimate pic with her family of her after giving birth. She has 2 children btw, both boys, and a handsome husband who is from the same country as her though his job is not nearly as prestigious as hers...she's early 30's and he's late 30's...I know exact ages but really what I found was too much information. Sometimes, you're better off not knowing that some people are indeed ..just human...lost some of that ethereal quality she had about her though she still is a sweety! You ever meet someone that you wish you could be even a little like? I think..how do you grow up to be a person like this..so nice, caring, loving and beautiful to boot? Don't know..something to strive towards emulating I suppose..(good luck with that one Gem)!

She called me today regarding the plans. She said continue with meds..blah blah and she was thinking..this is what she says..she was thinking I could probably remove these tubes myself..oh lawd!..will be removing them Monday night..myself! sheesh! I figure if I can inject myself in the rear..this should be a cinch..at least I can reach and use a mirror (her suggestion, the mirror).

Went to a meeting for "D" this morning as they are signing "D" up for a work program. They explained "D" felt 12 hours a week would be fine..I said, you know "D" has no concept of what 12 hours is right?..."really?"...yes, really...how bout we start with 8 hours as last time "D" tried working it was 2 hours a week and poor "D" was terminated..poor kid..terminated and devestated. Went to Walmart afterwards..a big trip as it's not that nearby..love that store! can't get over how cheap everything is there...you can buy Jeans for $20..sometimes even cheaper!! Bought a whole bunch of men's long sleeved t's for the weekends...comfy and I don't give a shit what they look like really as I feel gross about my body right now so don't want to spend tons on clothes. Went home and took a walk with Tess but really I think I try to do too much..I have to try and rest more.

Next embryo transplant..I have to take it easy..Doc implied it might not happen until February..that's fine too. Can't stress. I didn't mention that one of my facebook friends..my age...just announced yesterday that she's expecting again..her *cough..6th! She was looking for hand-me-downs...interesting..as I would have never thought to post a request..sometimes I think I'm a bit of a snob that way..expecting everything to be new for a new baby... Got a text today from an ex-coworker (who I don't particularly care for) saying one of her children (2 are currently pregnant..AGAIN!!) is expecting a girl! It's a girl! I really want to write back..who gives a shit you bragging moron??!!! but I can't so instead I just don't reply...can't anymore. Kay says, just think how great it'll be when you can announce yours..I suppose...you know you're a grump when Kay is seeing the glass as half full as opposed to you..Gonna try to stay positive. I do feel hopeful. Felt hopeful after hanging up with the doctor. She told me they had to remove more of the fibroid than they thought..it isn't a separate fibroid like Kay said, it's actually the one on the outside that's growing into the inside...lovely..whatever. I hope that if I do get pregnant I can ask the ob/gyn to do a c-section and remove the fibroid at the same time. My thinking is my chances of a c-section are high because of my weight...might as well kill two birds with one stone as the fibroid is too large for laproscopic surgery..it's actually larger than my uterus..scary so I want it out..don't need anything in me that might in any way be cancer. Waiting for pathology on the D&C which scares me...the word pathology itself scares me now..don't find anything please! So that's that..Monday tubes come out which I can't wait as it's beyond even describable of what it's like though not the worse thing I've ever had..thank God..just want to be able to feel like I don't have to walk gingerly with something hanging between my legs.

Oh, my sister called me today...surprising..but it was good to connect. Have to accept was is given rather than be disappointed that the connection didn't have what I was looking for. It is what it is and I have to be grateful as I need my family..disfunctional as it may be..

Say What?!

So I go in for my "uterine study" today which also included a D&C...glad I didn't know about that til the last minute as I would have freaked. So I'm in there for a good 2 hours come out in recovery in mega pain...morphine...pain...more morphine...pain...more morphine.. Laying in recovery with my friend Kay who deserves to win the lotto as she has been just too good to me, really, her name should appear where it says father of the child, and so I"m trying to just feel better so I can go and I'm moving around and feel I need to go pee. Kay gets the nurse who takes me to the bathroom and tells me to ring the buzzer if there's a problem or when I'm done. So I go to sit down and feel something...hmmmm...reach down and there's definitely something down there that's not a baby..WTF???..in my morphine haze I'm trying to calm myself down and make sure I'm not hallucinating..WTF??!!..WTF? I look..I've got some cables coming out of my vagina..like the ones you plug behind the computer sort of...hmm..wtf?..I look again and think..'are you hallucinating Gem?'...'uh, no, there's cables there'...call the nurse...she says..."what? Are you sure?"..yes I'm sure.."what is it". I tell her well it's not a penis!.."can I see"..umm....another nurse comes..Kay comes..THANK GOD FOR KAY!! who says, the Dr. mentioned a catheter...Oh says one nurse, I heard of another Dr. doing this...whew! thought my Dr. had forgotten to finish up. Just pee with it on and pat dry they tell me..Okay. I have to have this shit in me for 20 days..on closer inspection the tubes go from inside and are taped to the side of my leg..interesting..how do you bathe with this? No idea. This baby better behave when it's born...and it better sleep and grow up to be a Dr. or an engineer or something good..better not give me a lick of trouble I tell you as I've already been throug hell it seems..but in the end it'll be worth it. They found a fibroid that they hadn't realized was there..good. Almost made it home but upon entering my complex had to yell at Kay to stop the car, flung the door open and still wearing my seatbelt puked my brains out, and puked, and puked, and puked..didn't think I'd ever get inside. Finally was able to eat something around 9..that was my day. My doctor also informed me my iron is extremely deficient and my thyroid levels are extremely low...both too low for a baby...gotta go hustle to my other doctors and get this fixed.. but at least I know and thank God for kick ass insurance! Exhausted but got through it. God is good.

Not my Funday..

I don't know what it is about Sundays...for me they're never good..then again I think I'm starting to become a pessimist or maybe it's all the hormones. It seems like I'm super-sensitive lately...just spinning myself into a small bout of the blues. Today I dyed my hair and hung out with Tess. Texted my sister to see if she wanted me to pick something up on the way to my mother's. She tells me they're leaving as my other sibling was called into work. That's the shit with those two..when they're together nobody gives a shit about me but if one of them doesn't come down my phone doesn't stop..it really hurts my feelings. I went out with them yesterday and of course nobody asked about how my trying is going. I'd like to say I don't care but that's not true in any way shape or form. Just wish they gave a shit..really gave a shit..not just when they need me or when the other isn't around. I went to my mother's anyway and I shouldn't have. She was as usual, trying to get me to do what she wants me to do and having a fit when I wouldn't bend, though she tried all her tricks a total of 3, count them, 3, times...lady is a trip. Needless to say I stayed for less than an hour..feeling shitty about myself...feeling shitty about "D"...just feeling shitty. So Tess and I are back home and she's here next to me sleeping while I stew in my guilt and feel sorry for myself.. I did have a nice talk with Diana last night and even though it was only a half hour it always makes me feel like I'm not alone in the world and that someone else speaks the same language as me...I didn't even talk as it was mostly her shit with her husband but all the same, it made me feel less alone. I don't know..don't know where I'm going or what I'm doing. I get my procedure done Tuesday..hope it doesn't hurt too much and start the new shrinky dink Thursday and hope she's not a total waste..I'm looking for someone who is sharp but not too bossy and not hell bent on her opinion being the only way. I'm not (for the most part) crazy...just somewhat tormented by too much shit. We'll see.

Really Universe? At WW?

So I wake up at the crack of ass this morning to get ready to go in for prelinaries at the hospital. Drop Tess off at my mother's house, and drive an hour through New Jersey following my GPS system. Get there...wait...wait...get a nice nurse who weighs exactly the same as me she tells me and also tells me...you're not morbidly obese according to the guidelines...well isn't that nice..and in a way it was..to know there are people with bigger weight issues out there. The experience as a whole was more pleasant than anything else and I get out of there on time to make it to my 10:30 Weight watcher's meeting..lost a pound..woo hoo...did I mention I gained 4 last week..shit. Anyhow, as I enter, the meeting leader who I think secretly hates me..(I really do)..mentions as she's flashing through her phone..you want to see a picture of my new baby..she's not talking to me so I keep walking and flashign through my head is...new puppy..new car..could be anything but alas..at the end of the meeting yes, you guessed it..fucking meeting leader is pregnant with her second child...well God bless.. I mean really! Really God?! Well isn't that fucking so typical? I came home, put a pot of coffee on and vaccuumed my rug because what else is there to do? I left Tess at my mom's..I figured why should she stew in my misery when she's got her 2 dog cousins at my mom's to play with and my sister's who love her..Am I whining and sounding like a baby..maybe..but really I'm sick of this shit...really sick of it.. It's always someone else getting married, having the fucking baby, buying the beautiful fucking house, winning the fucking lotto, and Lord knows I've been blessed with a good job good education good brain but I'm fucking alone!! afuckinglone and I don't really get that...why go through all of this shit if it's just to end up alone? It's so hard to stay positive sometimes. I know I have to keep the faith but sometimes I think this is a cruel joke the universe is playing because okay, you don't want to give it to me or it's not in the cards for me but can you please not have it all around me...surrounding me..drowning me in this shit? Really? Is there no safe place? Can't take much more of this really. It's fucking killing me.