Shitty....(yes, yes, witty I know)

I'm feeling shitty today as you may have guessed. I was back at the grind and was only overwhelmed momentarily by the humongous pile of mail on my desk and it's not the kind you can just skim....I actually have to read each line looking for certain shit in there...if you saw the piles you'd cry. Thankfully one of the other chicks (who is supposed to pick up my slack in my absence) had actually stepped up and read a pile commenting holy shit you get a ton of mail..no shit. So work was fine...there was the usual email full of greek gobbledy gook that I don't understand and a bit of the normal chaos but nothing outstanding which usually means we'll get the backlash the next day...that's how my job is...if it ain't crazy on a Monday just wait for it as it's coming. Any ol' how I was talking to Kay about my 5 little embryos in my belly or whatever is left of them. Each time I go to the bathroom and wipe (yes, tmi but oh well), I think, did I just wipe away my baby? Probably. I have this pit in my stomach that it just won't happen and I asked Kay twice now to repeat what the doctor said...that they're all 6 and 8 cells with no fragments which I know is just a bit of an increase to my odds but I need reassurance that the odds were better this time.  I have this overwhelming feeling of melancholia...not depression where you feel like life is hopeless but this deep sadness in the very core of me...this ache really...just grasping at the last strings of hope...so emotionally painful. I'm supposed to go see the Canadians tomorrow but don't think I can....just don't want the questions ...too much I tell you...just too much for me. I go Friday to the doctor for my test...it wouldn't be so bad if I could have the weekend to regroup but a weekend where I have to interact with my family seems like it might put me over the edge. I want to scream at the frustration of the situation and I think, Why? Why did I wait so long to do this shit? Why did I have to be so scared? There is nothing to fear in this life yet I'm always running scared and I think why the fuck did I have to be such a chicken waiting for some man that wasn't coming to rescue me and give me the support I never really needed except in the fairy tails swimming in my fucking head? I should have tried a year after I got the cancer clearance...but alas I didn't and I have to move forward with this one regret hanging in my life. Too painful really. These stupid celebrities making it seem like we have forever when we don't...why do we buy into their bullshit hype. Don't know.

Later this same day....
I don't know why I can't seem to pull myself up today. Though I'm not necessarily feeling like I'm unraveling per se I just am in somewhat of a funk...perhaps preparing myself for Friday in a way...a premature mourning...trying to protect myself ..as usual. I just want this whole fight to be over...just for someone to either give me my gift or chop me off at the knees already..it's such a torturous limbo to live in..not knowing if what you are living is a pipe dream or not. I thank God for Kay as I'd never would have been able to hang in here for this long...she's my main support which is pretty pathetic but there it is. I'm playing the crying game tonight and I can't seem to help myself...just need to soothe myself in some way and once again dream of the day when I can sit out on my balcony with either  a glass of wine or a beer and a cigarette and finally exhale from this suspended nightmare. Today at work I felt a flicker of excitement and I had to tamp it down..I can't do this to myself again and would rather go from sad to happy than from happy to sad...status quo is fine but I don't want to plummet...just can't keep plummeting month after month. Oh well...this is all out of my hands and I guess I have no choice but to let go and let God and see what the future brings. I read a quote someone wrote yesterday that said God never says no, His answer is Yes, Not Yet, or I have something better for you...hope this is true though can't imagine better. Have to trust and keep the Faith. As they say in "the rooms" thanks for letting me share. These posting have so helped me just unload.
BTW, I wanted to post that I have been having few if any symptoms...only small sharp pains which I believe are a result of the progesterone as they seem familiar from last time. No sore boobs or none of the other fake pregnancy crap I've usually gotten which is good.

Wow upside down

"Wow upside down" is the code name we use for my mother when she's within earshot(genius I know..sigh). I was just there and I can't remember a time whenever I've come back from there when I felt good about myself. Today was no different.  There've been times when I thought it was me and my fault and I'll admit I contribute as I won't let shit just go...but I know it's mostly the insanity of what is my family. This weekend my youngest sibling, the one with th history of a breakdown decided that they couldn't come....it was just too much for them as they'd been traumatized from last weekend but last minute decided to change their mind....shortly regretted it...when I tell you the situation ain't easy it ain't.  The thing is my mother...she's not your typical mother and never has been really...had a bad childhood .....a fact we were (or I should say are) reminded of on a regular basis growing up and until this day it is a main topic of conversation for her....can't see that anyone else has suffered...just her...will dismiss anybody else's pain saying hers is or was worse. You bring up that you went to the doctor and are having such and such a problem...she will only acknowledge to say she went and hers is worse...always whatever she is going through, went through is worse...is a miser and would like you to pay for everything..never mind that not a one of us is married and has someone to share the bills with and any opportunity she has is trying to get you to do something for her... every. opportunity. every. single. one. And this applies to anyone. Has lost contact with many people who no longer wish to speak to her as she will squeeze the life from you ....never asks how you are..nothing. My older sib explains it like this...if it has nothing to do with her..it's not important. Sadly this is about 99%  true. I love her but it ain't easy and she's one of those people that if you try and sit down to talk to them about it gets so defensive that she ends up making you feel like you are the lowest piece of shit ever. I find I am similar to her in some respects which scares the shit out of me. I acknowledge but don't accept and have to make a conscious effort to be aware. I do care about others and definitely don't think my life has been the worst and am told I'm a pretty good listening so it's none of those things..but I tend to be a bit argumentative (maybe more than a bit) and can at times be a bit of a know it all not including anything at work of course (duh and shit). Anyhow, I left there telling her a joke to make myself feel better and run run running to the safety of my own place, wtih my own things, done my own way, with nobody asking me to do anything except for Tess who seems to always want me to play play play and I just really don't feel like it lately. The reality of it is, that my mother will drive you crazy and we as the twisted "children" who are full of resentments make the situation worse. She can't help herself as she can't see her behavior but we can see our but for some reason can't seem to be able to control ourselves...I know I'm not explaining it right it's just a weird family phenomenon that happens when we're with her and everyone ends up miserable including her...very frigging healthy.
Anyhow, on the IVF front, I have been feeling no different than any other day, actually less symptomatic than the last two week wait and I can't help but think this is a failure...positive thinking I know but it's honest if nothing else. I'm not sure if I mentioned that the anesthesiologist was quite intrigued by my job and for whatever reason as it was somewhat of a stretch, related it to the movie the Shawshak redemption....would not stop talking about the friggin movie and I couldn't help but think back to that episode of "Friends" where Phoebe (if you know the show) is having triplets and the OBGYN keeps referring back to episodes of Happy Days and the Fonz...I mean the guy would not get off of Shawshank Redemption..even Kay thought it was weird. He was nice though so he was forgiven...so of course after my lovely time at my mother's I come home flick on the boob and sure enough...Hello Morgan Freeman! Shawshank..of course. It's not a sign though it's just a coincidence. Last time I was in the 2 week waiting period I kept bumping into picks of Bradley Cooper...significant because my donor supposedly resembles Bradley Cooper...I kept thinking maybe it was a sign but obvioulsy it meant nothing other than Mr. Copper sure is popular...same thing with Shawshank but when I spoke to Kay we laughed like idiots...you gotta ask yourself...what the fuck man? Really? So that's that. So yes, my donor looks like Bradley Copper and also supposedly looks like the blonde guy with the long hair from Lost...not the hobbit guy the other hot one. This is normally not my taste of men and initially I had picked someone completely different...average looking but then I said hell, if I'm going to pick from all these choices..I'm picking the creme de la creme...someone who would never sleep with me in real life and the truth is looks matter so if I have to give this kid no father, at least let me give the kid a fighting chance in the looks department...Kay who helped me agreed..pick the most gorgeous one you can find and Bradley Cooper was it (truthfully, I had to look him up as I'm not a celebrity drooler). Don't know what the combo of me and him would look like but I'm sure it would beat me picking someone that looks like Howdie Doodie (my first choice was red haired and I later learned incedibly freckled, which combined with my freckles would be a Hell No!).
I had Sunday night anxiety tonight which I don't think I've had in a while....all because I gotta go back tomorrow. I just don't like work right now as I'm dealing with too many statistical shit and it always throws me for a loop...should have been an accountant with all the number shit I have to do and I'm not good at it at all. Sucks. I wish I knew the job better...I know this must sounds strange that I supervise people doing a job I know very little about but it is what it is...it's the effed up position I'm in right now and have been for a few years. I've learned a ton about it since taking over but if you've never actually had to do the work then it's all just theory really..sucks..did I mention that? sucks.

Voodoo dolls and the TWW....again

This two week wait seems a little different...no false hopes. I'm thinking this ain't it. Why? Because it's the safest thing to think...a safer thought that doesn't hurt as much....negative and I know that's not good but neither is crying for a month afterwards soo... Listened to two relaxation tapes this morning as I feel a pit in my stomach and scheduled a session with the acupuncturist for tomorrow though mine is away so will have to see the guy Marc. Did I tell you about Marc...I saw him once before ..it was awkward as he's about my age and we were talking about my period and really dude you're not a doctor so...I told him so...just said this conversation is uncomfortable...awesome and tactful but it's how I am..ugh. He's Kay's regular acupuncturist at another place where he works. Anyhow I have a session with him tomorrow and I hope I can relax. I have cramps which I read back to my last TWW posts and this is the norm. Weird how you forget from each time to each time though you never forget the unbearable feeling of waiting. I'd forgotten that last time I'd only had 3 embryo put back in and I knew even when he did it that my chances weren't good so there is a slight edge this time..does that sound too positive..ha ha...that's as excited as I'll get. I would think my chances were very good this time but I'm scared to think this...just scared at where I am at this point in the process really...no more insurance money, dwindling hope, increase in anxiety, and 41. Not sure if I mentioned that my friend Lexi brought me over a fertility doll that her mom had made...it's very adorable...she said she put "corn rows" in her hair...and her body is stuffed with rice. I showed Kay a photo..she noted the blue eyes and I told her the corn rows and rice were from my side of the family...yup, I got jokes! Lexi explained that you have to name the doll so I gave it a combo of my girl and boy name picks for my babies. Have had them picked out for years now.

Weirdly cute right?  Anyhow, I had always thought I'd have a twin boy and girl...maybe this is just what everyone fantasizes about but I really thought I would...if it happened I'd be over the moon...just one and I'd be over the moon. Yesterday and today I kept praying and praying and I finally said to God, listen, you know what my prayer is so I'm not going to just keep repeating it a million times during the day as I feel like this is just me begging. I asked for it to be His will and I'll pray at night as usual and my brief morning salutations. I'm not going to lose my mind over it as if it doesn't happen my fear is I'll lose my faith and I need my faith...it's what helps keep me "sane" or whatever this mental state is called. It has always been my light in the uncertain dark. Something more powerful than me that I guess I have to hold onto and grasp because without it life is just to lonely and scary so I don't want to lose it.

Resting among frustrations

Sometimes I wonder if I don't sabotage my own shit...I don't think I mean to. I started the day (of rest mind you) thinking I would install the router to my computer...the box says it's easy and two of my friends said..piece of cake 10 minutes max...so why 2 hours later am I sitting with the cable guy on the phone having lost all internet connection and telephone connection crying like a child in frustration? And then I think I'm going to do a little cleaning as it always makes me feel better when the house is nice. I took it slow and made sure I didn't exert myself or overheat. I guess my thinking is laying on the couch is not going to improve my chances from what I've read and several sites say you should do some activity though nothing to taxing. House cleaning was one of the can do items...now I know there are a lot of articles that say none of this and none of that but my doctor said I can resume all activity including sexual intercourse though in my case there's nobody around here to resume that with so...Anyhow I cleaned, got over the router shit, had a friend over for dinner..I cooked but had to order chinese as I'm no chef and it was ...well..it was just okay..not suitable for company really...damn weight watchers recipes! Anyhow my friend came over stayed til a little past 11 which was nice and I tried again with the router...no go. Shit happens and fuck it..so frustrating. Anyhow that was my first day with 5 embryo inside and I hope they all stayed safe...and that they grow...please grow. Don't know if this was on the news all over the U.S. but it was here in NY so I thought I'd share as I found this particularly interesting especially after the balling out I received from my holier than though doctor. A teacher, I believe in either NY or NJ who worked in the Catholic school system was fired for trying to conceive a child with her hubby via IVF. The Bishop or whoever said that IVF was evil and went on to spew a whole bunch of other crap. Not for nothing and I'm Catholic but who the heck died and left this guy boss. I'm all for Priests and nuns teaching about religion but sometimes I just think how can they make statements like this really, with any sort of conviction? What happened to God helps those who help themselves, He who is without sin cast the first stone, et cetera et cetera. I don't believe that God is against this..I just don't. I think that life is life and things have changed and progress itself is His will. Not going to get too into it as I do not like discussing religion; it's too personal and private and I'm somewhat twisted I suppose as though I call myself Catholic I'm sure there are those that might disagree...whateva for you people!

All Aboard!!

Today was embryo transfer day. I wasn't sure as they had said I needed to call in the morning and of course when I called they still weren't sure and poor Kay was at home waiting around to see whether or not she was calling into work today. Finally, at about 9 a.m. they finally had an answer and told me to be there by 10:30 a.m. Kay came over at a quarter to 10 and off we went. The doctor explained that we had several 6 and 8 cell embryo that were good though not as strong as the original batch we had on my first go around. She asked if it'd be okay with me if we put 5 in but asked if more than 2 took would I be willing to reduce for the safety of the babies? Holy shit I think and Yes, I say. But deep in my heart I think..God, please only give me one or better yet 2..I don't want to have to make that type of decision. Last night, right around the 3rd or 4th time I awoke during the night, I had a dream about a child. These baby dreams have happened now 3 times to me. They are always male children though in my previous 2 dreams there has also been a girl but she would never come forward towards me. I believe in dreams, I believe in a 6th sense and all of that. In this dream my sibling is driving a van (it's a van my father owned many years ago..long gone) and I'm in the passenger seat. It's a hazy day and I say, you see the kid on the bike? My sibling sarcastically replies duh, this one and makes as if to hit it with the van and the unthinkable happens..the kid is hit. We jump out and the kids body is entangled with the tire though I see he's moving. I reach for him to lift the tire off of him. I hold him in my arms...he's a baby.. a little boy with golden brown curly hair...he's precious and dear and I feel love for him instantly. That's my dream. I hope he's in my uterus as we speak. Time will tell.

Zen

So I pretty much ran, ran, ran through my whole shift at work including an awesome meeting with several attorneys and other big wigs where I said not a peep as I didn't know shit they were talking about...just nodded when they asked me if something was right, something was happening, something was coming..yes yes yes asshole I don't know shit! Thank you. So after work I have my appointment with the acupuncturist who is preparing me for the possibility that is tomorrow. As I'm leaving the guy at the desk says..."have you gotten any checks from your insurance company?"...Me: Not yet. "no? Hmmm...they usually come a few weeks into this" Me: No, I haven't but as soon as I do I'll bring them...more conversation and now I'm uncomfortable. I want to say, Listen asswipe, just because I'm a fucking minority doesn't mean I'm going to steal your little shit check..I probably make more than twice your fucking salary. but I don't say this...I am polite..I swallow my shit...I lose my feeling of zen...thank you asshole I think as I walk out but on the ride home I realize...I lost my zen because of my own insecurities..I'm not saying that my race didn't have anything to do with the conversation..because my experience has been that race has a lot more to do with shit than people care to admit...but I should be secure enough in myself to let it fly but I'm not. And then I begin to think Gem, you are one crazy chick...a thought I have more often than I care to admit...but I begin to think of all the people I know and what I consider their idiosyncracies..their crazy bits if you would...I'm not crazy..I'm average...perhaps a bit neurotic but it could be worse....cut yourself a break my friend. So I get home and immediately get a call from "D". "D" usually calls me an average of 4 or more times daily actually calls all the sibs a million times...well me and the oldest really as the youngest rarely calls "D" back or anyone for that matter. So "D" calls me and I hear the upset in their voice. What's wrong? Nothing. "D", what's wrong? Just tell me...the kids were making fun of me...Who? Jerkity Jerk and Rudy Rude...why were they making fun of you? Because they were saying that my sister Gem is fat...Ugh!...I say well I may be fat but at least I don't steal (Jerkity Jerk was caught stealing last week) and "D", I'm okay with being fat, but at least I'm not an Asshole...Loud laughter from "D" as we never curse in front of "D"...all is now well in the world and "D" says, I'm fat too..good grief, now we're a club..shit. I realize as soon as I have my baby or if there is no baby, I gotta get rid of this weight...I don't want my kid being made fun of or my "D" for that matter. That is my day. My day of Zen before the (possible) big day. I gotta call in the a.m. to see if tomorrow is my day or the next day or the next day...awesome...sounds really stress free and relaxing. Well alas, I must do my best. Will try to listen to relaxation tapes and chill. Shit happens. Zen my ass...Zen happens in drips and dribbles in my world...in everyone's it seems. Ugh, fuck a duck.

Future Possibilities

Got a call today from the doctor's office. 12 mature eggs and 9 fertilized...it may not seem like that much but that's the most I've had thus far so I'm cautiously thrilled. They called back to tell me that I need to call either Wednesday a.m. to see if I need to come in that day or it'll be Thursday or Friday...I hate this. I'd so much rather have a difinitive day so I can plan shit but alas..that's I guess, unrealistic. I'm praying, and being greedy mind you, that all of them survive or at least 7 of them survive. Enough that they can freeze a few so I can use them in the event this cycle is a bust. I'm trying to not get my hopes up as it was so painful last time and though, I didn't go back to read my older posts, I have a sneaky suspicion I said the same thing last time. It just hurts..it's a childlike feeling of upset and just so painful but it is what it is I suppose and just one of many things you have to go through to get through this process. I try and tell myself, Gem, you'll go through other emotionally painful things when you have a child like when they no longer think you're so smart, or don't want to hang with you, or are disrespectful to you..it'll happen and hurt so maybe this is just prep work for what lies ahead.

23 on the 22nd

Kay tells me 22 is her lucky number. She came to pick me up this morning at 7:40 a.m. for my egg retrieval...is that a good friend or what?!? They got 23 eggs. I'm trying to think of it as 22 eggs and one for good luck on today the 22nd of April. The only reason 22 is her lucky number is due to her being a Mets fan and loving Al Leiter (retired) who was number 22..that's Kay for you. I babbled after the procedure to my doctor telling her what a doll she was and all kinds of stuff and yup, she's pregnant...asked the nurse who didn't want to say but finally said and gave me the scoop..she doesn't want her patients to feel bad and blah blah blah..hurts but not like it would with anybody else..she deserves it..really does. If you met her you'd understand...a beautiful person inside and out like no other...a real doll just like I babbled to her. I spent the morning sleeping and eating bagels..a food a rarely allow myself...ate bagels all day which is really not good. Gotta freeze the rest of them as it really is a trigger for me. Went to my mom's for a minute where I got an eyeroll from my sibling when I told them I couldn't lift a bed frame wtih them...piece of work as they knew what I'd had done today...I wasn't even supposed to be driving for cripes sake..can you imagine? Probably yes and I don't even know why I'm surprised...I'm the fool really but alas trying not to let them blow my zen feeling. I've only wanted to cry a few times today which is pretty good as I've been a baller this whole month. I go to work tomorrow and Tuesday am off on Wednesday and Thursday and am thinking I'll call out Friday...we'll see how things go. Just praying for some fertilizations tomorrow. The nurse today, told me she has 3 children which include a set of "IVF twins" as she put it. She said "people think because you try when you're young it's going to happen but it's not that easy"...girl please! I think each and every baby is a miracle and I just don't even know how people get it done naturally...really..it's just amazing. My doctor seemed so hopeful today for me as did the nurse but me, I am trying not to dream too high..am thinking one more time after this and I gotta throw in the towel but then again if it doesn't happen on this or the next who knows what I'll feel. Where do you stop though really? Do you try til you're bankrupt and unable to give the child all you'd like to? I don't know. I really don't. My friend Mike (who is like a cousin to me as we all grew up together) was telling me him and his wife were trying and stopped at $40K...money they can't afford...alas, no baby, two dogs and no babies, and they stopped trying..can't blame them. I'd originally said I'd stop at $30K but not sure...that really is only enough for 2 more tries any ol' way. So I'll just keep praying and see what God has in store for me...hoping it's a baby.

Yeah, this will work..

I'm supposed to be staying stress free and zen but I believe I mentioned I promised my Godmother to take her dog to the groomer. So I call her tonight and tell her it's going to be earlier than planned and please be dressed in case you have to go with and the dogs aren't getting along (they've never met). She tells me she has other plans with her neighbor to take her other dog and yes, she is 81 with 2 dogs less than a year old each ..one of which is a pit bull...only my Godmother...anyhow, I understand but I have to handle these two dogs and get to the doctor...she tells me her dog is black with dirt. Hmmmm...trying to figure out how not to be totally gross by the time I get to the doctor. So the plan is pick up her dog, it's some kind of cockapoo or labapoo or something..fairly large curly haired white dog, keep my tiny Tess from killing her dog and drive to East Jabib where my groomer is located than go across the county to my doctor's appointment..try to fit in either some shopping (as I desperately need new pants) or a massage (as I just received a million gift certificates for my birthday - actually I got 5 of them..woo hoo for me). After that pick the dogs back up, drop off my Godmom's, run home and change to go to dinner for my mother's birthday which is also happening in East Jabib..next state over (not my idea obviously). Today was also a run run run day. Did work. Got a call to trigger tonight at 9...really 9? That's smack in the middle of my night chaos. And will be going into the clinic at 8:30 on Sunday. So of course I get a call to pick up one of my siblings tonight at 7:30 p.m. which is the usual time. Sibling wants to run into the pharmacy. We are now looking at 8:30 p.m. and thankfully I threw in the HCG shot into my laundry bag just in case I didn't make it home in time which obviously was not going to happen. Get to my mother's to drop sibling off and at precisely 9:01 p.m. as it has to be on the dot..I inject myself in my mother's powder room...gross..I hate my mother's house...but in it went. So I ran today, will be running around tomorrow and Sunday will have to get up at the crack of ass to drop Tess off, come back home, and have Kay pick me up at 7:40 a.m. giving us just the right amount of time to get to the Doctor's by 8:30 a.m. Marathon weekend as usual but it is what it is and I'm more relaxed than I've been in a while so that's that. I've been trying to not focus on the things that I don't have and trying not to be jealous of others. Trying not to think about PFace and Asshole and the fact that their baby is here by now...the same month I had calculated mine would come had the first try worked..weird how shit like that happens. It's okay really...hurts but it's okay though please God and I know I've said this before, but please God, just send me my baby...don't make me lust after everything. Maybe this is sick..not sure but it's how I feel and really I think it's normal so...

Side effects

I just wanted to mention as I forgot in my previous post that this cycle the most severe side effect is a feeling of complete exhaustion. Exhaustion like I experienced when working two jobs and doing my masters, or when I worked graveyard and went to school during the day..that kind of exhaustion....except I'm not young anymore! The worst part is that when I do go to sleep, I can't seem to stay asleep so I sit in bed for hours knowing I'll be suffering all day for not having slept. It's crazy really. I think it's the Lupron or the Menopur as the follistim I'd taken before without consequences such as this. It's so bad that it's an effort to walk and lift my arms...not good.