Zen

So I pretty much ran, ran, ran through my whole shift at work including an awesome meeting with several attorneys and other big wigs where I said not a peep as I didn't know shit they were talking about...just nodded when they asked me if something was right, something was happening, something was coming..yes yes yes asshole I don't know shit! Thank you. So after work I have my appointment with the acupuncturist who is preparing me for the possibility that is tomorrow. As I'm leaving the guy at the desk says..."have you gotten any checks from your insurance company?"...Me: Not yet. "no? Hmmm...they usually come a few weeks into this" Me: No, I haven't but as soon as I do I'll bring them...more conversation and now I'm uncomfortable. I want to say, Listen asswipe, just because I'm a fucking minority doesn't mean I'm going to steal your little shit check..I probably make more than twice your fucking salary. but I don't say this...I am polite..I swallow my shit...I lose my feeling of zen...thank you asshole I think as I walk out but on the ride home I realize...I lost my zen because of my own insecurities..I'm not saying that my race didn't have anything to do with the conversation..because my experience has been that race has a lot more to do with shit than people care to admit...but I should be secure enough in myself to let it fly but I'm not. And then I begin to think Gem, you are one crazy chick...a thought I have more often than I care to admit...but I begin to think of all the people I know and what I consider their idiosyncracies..their crazy bits if you would...I'm not crazy..I'm average...perhaps a bit neurotic but it could be worse....cut yourself a break my friend. So I get home and immediately get a call from "D". "D" usually calls me an average of 4 or more times daily actually calls all the sibs a million times...well me and the oldest really as the youngest rarely calls "D" back or anyone for that matter. So "D" calls me and I hear the upset in their voice. What's wrong? Nothing. "D", what's wrong? Just tell me...the kids were making fun of me...Who? Jerkity Jerk and Rudy Rude...why were they making fun of you? Because they were saying that my sister Gem is fat...Ugh!...I say well I may be fat but at least I don't steal (Jerkity Jerk was caught stealing last week) and "D", I'm okay with being fat, but at least I'm not an Asshole...Loud laughter from "D" as we never curse in front of "D"...all is now well in the world and "D" says, I'm fat too..good grief, now we're a club..shit. I realize as soon as I have my baby or if there is no baby, I gotta get rid of this weight...I don't want my kid being made fun of or my "D" for that matter. That is my day. My day of Zen before the (possible) big day. I gotta call in the a.m. to see if tomorrow is my day or the next day or the next day...awesome...sounds really stress free and relaxing. Well alas, I must do my best. Will try to listen to relaxation tapes and chill. Shit happens. Zen my ass...Zen happens in drips and dribbles in my world...in everyone's it seems. Ugh, fuck a duck.