Not now anxiety

There have been various times in my life where I've suffered bouts of anxiety attacks...well this whole thing with "D" appears to have triggered them something fierce..(the meeting didn't go well, in fact it went as bad as it could go)...I felt ready to jump out of my skin all weekend with a twitch in my face and a tremor throughout my body...lovely! Anyhow, one of my siblings who also sufferes from anxiety tried to teach me some breathing excercises and the acupuncturis yesterday tried to calm me down and finally today I treated myself to a massage (they're $28 for an hour at this new place..woo hoo)which did the trick at least for a while..I just have to get my wits back together. It doesn't help that Kay has not been at work and she is usually my anchor...she does nothing but be there but just knowing that there is someone you can fully trust in the building works wonders. It doesn't look like she'll be back tomorrow either. I know I've mentioned before that I've gone through some shit with "D" and I don't really elaborate because really it's just painful shit that only someone who has tried to use 'the system" would really understand..and I guess I have some form of PTSD or some residue of trauma from the past that this recent shit is kicking up...I just can't keep fighting the system for this kid..I want to say UNCLE but I have to keep fighting and I explained to my sibling this weekend I just can't do this alone anymore and I need them to go to the meetings with me even if they don't understand what the fuck they are talking about I'm just not the war horse I used to be..I'm fucked up emotionally to a certain extent after all the shit that's gone down these past 10 years....one of my sibs actually said, Gem, I think this is why you can't get pregnant..you have too much stress in your life..Really? Wow..psychic and a genius..Anyhow enough with the sarcasm..the fact that they acknowledged I was trying was impressive. I am so trying to make this my month...I started the acupuncture, am doing a new regimen of meds and am trying to stay stress free/positive/hopeful and here comes anxiety...something I haven't seen in quite a while..rearing its ugly head shaking my world. Kay even mentioned tonight when I spoke to her how it's been a while since I've had this anxiety shit..she's right it has but it's been sitting there in the wings and once I experienced that shit..it never really went away..never left me alone and I've felt shaky every since..I think I mentioned going to a shrink once who diagnosed me with PTSD..well whatever the fuck it is..it's an ass kicker. Gonna try to beat it and treat myself to relaxation whatevers whenever I can...just have to be zen..oh if it were only so easy. Time will tell. This week I stop the BC pills on Wednesday and go see the doctor on Friday...gonna buy a six pack of beer tomorrow and have myself one just to try and chill a bit...we'll see.